(The scene opens and we find ourselves in a park on a bright, sunny day. People are rollerblading, others are walking trails, and others are enjoying a nice picninc and bbq. As the camera pans the park, we see none other than Jack Daniels walking with nothing else but a bottle of Old No.7 in hand. It's been a while since we've seen him with one of those bottles. Anyhow, Daniels is walking and as he looks up into the camera, Daniels begins speaking...)
Jack Daniels: Well...well...oh fuckin' well. Ya know, probably all the marks out there are askin' themselves, "How can Jack Daniels be walking in the park after the events that took place last week?" Well ya see, Jack Daniels doesn't like to dwell on past events, instead he likes to look at the present situation and the future. And what does Jack Daniels see? Well, quite honestly, he sees a walk in the park for himself and Nukeman come Wesdnesday night. Yeah, Jack Daniels knows damn well, exactly who he's up 'gainst. But do ya think it really matters? Do ya think that it makes the slightest difference in the world that our opponents tomorrow night are the EWA Heavyweight Champion Cold Hard-On Cash and Raven? (Daniels laughs) I don't fuckin' think so. And do ya know why? Well, let me refresh the memories of Cash and Raven, as well as all the drunkaholics out there, that the team of Nukeman and Jack Daniels is one that has existed 'fore. The team of Nukeman and Jack Daniels were CWA Tag Team Champions for near two damn months. The tam of Nukeman and Jack Daniels is, in one word...UN-FUCKIN'-STOPPABLE! And that's exactly what Hard-On and Raven will come to find out Wesdnesday night.
Now Jack Daniels doesn't have to sit here and tell ya why Jack Daniels and Nukeman are such an unstoppable force, cuz all ya marks out there with the slightest bit of rasslin' knowledge will know just why we are. So that brings Jack Daniels to the sorry ass opponents that will have their asses handed to 'em on a silver fuckin' platter. Cash, ya must think you're big shit now. Ya must think you're pure money. Well the fact of the matter is that ya ain't shit no matter what ya think, and quite frankly, ya'll never be nuttin' but shit. Take a long good look at how the match came 'bout last Wesdnesday Cash. Think 'bout it...why do ya fuckin' think ya won? Well let's see, it took Haywood lockin' on The Chronic on Draven. It took Raven comin' out with that slut Electra to get my attention and then hittin' the Even Flow...and then it took the most professional...the most technical...the most devastin' move that only an elite few know how to use in this business(Daniels is just dripping with sarcasm at this point)...and let's not forget the term that describes ya the most Cash...a small package. Is that how ya wanna be known Cash? The man who won the prestigious EWA World Heavyweight Title with a...SMALL PACKAGE?! I hope not Cash, cuz quite honestly, a three month old fetus could show your ass up and take away that gold from ya. It's sad but true...I know. An inbred redneck from Kentucky, whose repetoire of rasslin' moves contains of a punch, a kick, a jump off the top rope and a small package. Not too bad Hard-On, considerin' this time last year ya only had three moves in your pathetic repetoire. I see that you're movin' your way up in the rasslin' world. Ya see Cash, what ya fail to realize is that you're nuttin' without Jack Daniels. I carry your sorry ass each and every time we step in the ring with each other. And quite frankly Jack Daniels is sick and fuckin' tired of it. That's why he could care less 'bout your pathetic inbred ass in this match tomorrow night. Jack Daniels has got bigger fish to fry. But let it be known Cash, that if by some miracle ya get past your first title defense 'gainst Nukeman, then ya got this drunken bastard to deal with and it ain't gonna be a walk in the park motherfucker.
(Daniels takes a swig from that bottle of Old No.7 as he continues to walk through the park and enjoy the scenary. Daniels looks over at a couple with two little kids about three or four years old each, running around and having a blast. Daniels then looks over at another family. It looks like their having a reunion cuz there's abotu twenty of them all sitting back, cooking burgers and hot dogs and playing volleyball on the side. Daniels then walks down a bit more and sees a family of three, the mother is unpacking a picnic basket, while the father is helping his son to fly a kite. Daniels takes this all in and begins to speak again...)
Jack Daniels: Ah, would ya look at all the fun and all the love that is bein' shared by those families. Just look at that father helpin' his little boy to fly that kite. Ya know, all that love and all that crap is gonna help that boy grow up to be a normal, intelligent man that resolves matters in other more civilized ways rather than their fists or turnin' to the bottle. What do ya feel Raven? What do ya think or feel when ya see these families coexistin' and havin' a ball with each other? Wait, let Jack Daniels guess. It makes ya wanna punch a hole through the wall. But be careful, make sure it's not concrete and ya break your hand jackass. Or even worse, it just makes ya wanna pound on the first person ya see in front of ya. Whether it be a 85 year old woman or a two year old helpless baby. Or wait, does it just make your eyes swell up and start ballin' all over the fuckin' place like the little crybaby bitch that ya are? (Daniels reaches into his pocket and pulls out a handkerchief) Here ya go Raven, ya might need this. And as soon as I leave from this park, I'll go buy ya a whole big box of kleenex, yeah the type ya like, the extra soft with aloe. And then ya can cry yourself a river Raven...just like the little pathetic bitch that ya are.
Ya know Raven, Jack Daniels has come to the realization that ya really are dillusional for a few reasons. Jack Daniels still hasn't quite made the connection here. Now Jack Daniels realizes that your old man would hit the bottle, come home and beat the ever livin' shit outta ya. And hell, who could blame him? But what Jack Daniels doesn't realize is how he comes into the picture. Yeah, I like to hit the bottle every now then, so what the fuck is wrong with that? Do ya see me hittin' on little kids or other women? I don't fuckin' think so. As a matter of fact, the only thing Jack Daniels is gonna be hittin' is ya Raven. And he's gonna be hittin' ya ten times harder than your drunk old man would cuz ya cost me somethin' much more important. Ya see, ya cost your old man some money...a waste of time...and a good waste of sperm. But as for Jack Daniels...ya cost Jack Daniels his sixteen pounds of gold...the EWA World Heavyweight Title. Now instead, the title is worth jack shit cuz it lies 'round the waist of your worthless partner for this match. But don't think for one single solitary second that Jack Daniels forgot at what ya really cost him. Ya see, all the marks out there will tell ya what ya really cost Jack Daniels. A little over a year ago...Raven and his little partner Sting cost Jack Daniels his moment in the sun...he cost Jack Daniels immediate recognition for the rest of his life...he cost Jack Daniels his triple crown. The settin' was the original MTT. And it was my night...it was Jack Daniel's night. And ya and Sting went 'head and ruined it for me. Ya won that match on a technicality of bullshit. But that's 'nother story for 'nother time. Ya thought Jack Daniels would forget 'bout that...didn't ya Raven? Well, you're not that lucky cuz everyone and their mama knows just how damn important a tourney win is to Jack Daniels.And everyone knows that Jack Daniels would do just 'bout anythin' it takes to secure a tourney win. And the fact that ya took that from right under my belt...makes me even more inclined to whoop your neglected ass of such monemental proportions that the world would be talkin' 'bout it for years to come.
But it's not only the fact that ya see Jack Daniels as your father who abused ya that makes ya dillusional. I mean look at ya Raven...you're a fuckin' mess. One second your ramblin' on and on 'bout how Jack Daniels is the reason. And then the next second you're in the middle of receivin' an ass whoopen from your old man. Maybe one too many shits in the head for ya Raven. But what really convinces Jack Daniels that your absolutely dillusional is the fact that ya decide to bring that ugly, skanky, two bit whore 'long for the ride and to play with my drunken mind...Electra. I kicked her slutty ass to the curb for a reason...cuz she just wasn't gettin' the job done for me. Day in and day out it was the same bullshit and after a while...I needed to put a bag over her head while bangin' the shit outta her to keep me going. Now if ya want sloppy seconds Raven...well actually, by now it's probably sloppy thirty-seconds, then be my guest jackass. Cuz as ya'll obviously realize in just a matter of weeks, is that she's more of a liabilty then anythin' else. She'll cost ya money...she'll cost ya pain and sufferin'...and she'll cost ya matches. And if you're lucky like I was, she won't cost ya any STDs.
(Daniels takes another swig from his bottle of Old No.7 as he continues to walk through the park. Daniels continues speaking...)
Jack Daniels: Ya see fellas, this match here is a no brainer. Even someone with an IQ lower than my shoe size could tell ya the outcome of this match here. When ya got former CWA tag champs in Jack Daniels and Nukeman, a cohesive tag team that whooped ass like no other tag team could. And then ya got Cold Hard-On Cash and Raven. Two sunuva bitches wh ocouldn't be any more further apart from one another. Two men who have never teamed together or work together for that matter. Just listen to Raven...he doesn't even give two shits 'bout ya Cash. Is that the kind of partner that ya want Cash? A partner who won't even watch your back when it's 'gainst a wall. A partner who won't even run into the ring to make the save when your shoulders are bein' pinned 'gainst the matt. I didn't think so Cash. Ya could only wish ya had the tag team connection that Jack Daniels and Nukeman have. Yeah sure, maybe this drunken bastard and that nukin' bastard haven't tagged together for over a year, but does that even matter? Hell, I'd rather take those odds than the ones ya have got stacked 'gainst ya. Ya see Cash, I don't even have to worry 'bout your sorry ass cuz ya better believe that the Nukester has got that area covered as he's gonna give ya a little preview of next week.
(Daniels keeps on walking until he reachs a large sign. He looks at the plastic banner as the wind shuffles it around. Finally it settles down and we can read the following ont he banner: "Father-Son Olympics". We take a look and what we see is maybe thirty of forty sets of fathers and sons taking part is different activities...three legged races, potato sack races, volleyabll games, badmitton...you name it, it's a prat of the Father-Son Olympics. Daniels just watches them for a few moments before he conitnues speaking...)
Jack Daniels: Look at 'em Raven. Look at all the fathers and sons havin' a blast. Now don't ya wish that ya and your old man could partake in such father son bondin' activities? Hell, maybe next year they'll have the let's see how much ya can drink and how hard ya can wail on your son in the next Father-Son Olympics. Or ya know what would even be better Raven? We can hold that very same event tomorrow night in the Pepsi Arena. Well, we all know just how much Jack Daniels can drink. But what we're gonna find out is just how much Jack Daniels can wail on ya and make ya scream like the little bitch that ya are. And by the time is all said and done...I'm gonna show ya just WHO YOUR DADDY IS MOTHERFUCKER!
Till then...BITCH!
(Daniels continues walking through the park as the scene fades to black...)