(The scene opens and we find ourselves in some in downtown Richmond. But not exactly the type of place one would want to be. Not the downtown part apcked with cheerful bars and hopping clubs and streets where families can walk along while they eat their ice cream cones. Oh no, we must be on the other side of town, cuz all we see here are crack whores walking along the streets, bums with their shopping carts sleeping in alley ways, and the osund of gunshots being fired in the air. And walking along these dangerous, dirty, dispictable parts of town is none other than Jack Daniels. What the hell is Daniels doing in this part of town? Well why don't we just find out...yes let's...)
Jack Daniels: Ya know, some pieces of trash actually have the honor of callin' this...home. Who would want to call a cesspool like this home? Only pieces of trash that have no place else to go, cuz quite frankly, they couldn't cut it anywhere else. Ya know, it's beginnin' to remind me a lot of my opponent this week in the EWA...Shawn Copeland. Ya see, Copeland has been 'round just as long as Jack Daniels has in this business. And unlike Jack Daniels who has traveled and toured all 'round the world and country with only the best of promotions, Copeland has had his feet glued to the ground and has stayed loayal to Gates and the EWA for as long as he's been 'round. Well...well...oh fuckin' well...isn't that so loyal of the sorry bastard?
I don't fuckin' think so. Actually, the way Jack Daniels sees it, it's takin' the pussy way out. Now it's understandable that maybe Copeland didn't want anyone else violatin' him the way Gates would...or wouldn't want his lips wrapped 'round anyone elses' dick other than Gates, but to stay in the EWA and only the EWA. To compete in the EWA and only the EWA...Jack Daniels finds somethin' rather odd here and Jack Daniels knows exactly what it is. Ya see, the EWA's mini franchise here in Copeland is just like all the bums...all the crack whores...all the cheap, fat, perverted strip club owners here in this part of Richmond. Just look at Copeland, the sorry motherfucker just looks like he belongs to this part of town. Damn, ya'd swear ya just saw him last week diggin' through that garbage can over there. But just like everyone else here, Copeland simply knows he can't cut it anywhere else. He calls the EWA home cuz he damn well knows that no matter where else he'd go and how hard he'd try, there would just be no way in fuckin' hell that he would be able to make a name for himself, let alone remain there for more than two weeks straight.
(Daniels walks along the dirty streets as he looks up and in front of him he sees a liquor store. He walks by it...whoa whoa...Daniels just walked by a liquor store and didn't buy any Old No.7? Damn, hope all those marks had their VCRs recording. Daniels then walks by a gun store and shakes his head in disbelief as he begins speaking..)
Jack Daniels: Now let Jack Daniels illustrate somethin' to ya Copeland. So pick that vaseline down and pick Gate's pants back up and pay close attention to what Jack Daniels is tellin' ya here. Ya see this dump of a town here? Well, consider this the EWA Copeland. Now ya see this liquor store here and this gun store, or the ones across the street for that matter? Why do ya think they're there? Why do ya fuckin' think there's a liquor store and gun store down every block ya walk? They're tryin' to give ya a little message, and since ya it never got through your thick fuckin' skull, they're just puttin' everythin' out there to do it yourself. They want ya to kill yourself. Yeah, pick your jaw up off of the ground and listen to Jack Daniels 'gain, I'll even slow it down for ya...*Talking slow* They...want...ya...to...kill...yourself.
Now exactly who is "they"? They...they are the fans. They are the rest of the EWA roster. They are everyone who has ever had the misfortune of watchin' Shawn Copeland rassle or cut a promo. They is...Jack Daniels. And "they" will definitely make sure ya get the message loud and clear come Wednesday night, cuz quite frankly, "they" think that you're aboslutley worthless Copeland and a waste of everyones' time. Ya see Copeland, you're no better than that two bit whore right down the street over there. *The camera pans toward some hooker down the street before Daniels yanks it back in front of him* Put that camera back on my jackass. We don't want to get a glimpse of Copeland's mother while she's tryin' to make her livin'. Shawn, ya have pimped yourself to the EWA and quite frankly, ya got more than ya bargained for. Yeah at first, ya might have had your fair shot just like everyone else had. But think 'bout it Copeland, what do ya have to look forward to now? ABSOLUTELY-FUCKIN'-NUTTIN! Your carreer is fucked Copeland...you're life is fucked. Ya have no other option than to bend over and let the EWA and it's committee fuck ya straight up the ass cuz they can do so and ya can't do jack shit 'bout it. Ya have sold yourself to the EWA and have nowhere else to go...no other options. Ya see, the EWA is doin' exactly what Jack Daniels is gonna do to ya Wednesday night...Usin' and Abusin' ya. They're danglin' that title belt in front of ya just like the farmer would dangle that carrot in front of the donkey. And like the jackass that ya are, ya actually believe that one day you're gonna get that title that ya so rightfully deserve. Excuse Jack Daniels for a moment here...
BWAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Jack Daniels: Copeland, ya have got to be the most pathetic piece of shit a monkey could ever crap out. What makes ya think ya'll ever be anythin' 'gain in this business? Yeah, that's what I thought bitch. Face it, only your home town knows your name. you're nuttin' but a local piece of shit, that the people of the town pitty, not look up to. And the very second that your hometown jackasses begin to look up to ya and actually believe that you're not as bad as they originally thought, what do ya do? Ya drop the fuckin' ball. Ya hightail it outta here quicker than a blink of an eye. And why Copeland? What's this obsession all 'bout Copeland? Is it your ego? Ya wanna go out on top cuz ya know damn well that once ya win a title, a week later it will be 'round someone else's waist. Or is it cuz ya wanna be remembered as a champion cuz otherwise, ya would be remembered as out-dated, over-rated, piece of shit that couldn't rassle his way outta a paper bag.
Now ya think ya know me so damn well...don't ya Copeland? Well elt me tell ya...ya don't know a fuckin' thing 'bout Jack Daniels bitch. What ya see is NOT what ya get with Jack Daniels. I bring a physical presence like none other...I bring a fuckin' fight to the ring like no other. But I also bring somethin' that ya never have Copeland...heart and balls. Somethin' ya would have no idea 'bout cuz all ya depend on is nuttin' but pure luck. Ya like to think that ya bring a strong presence to the table...a strong reputation. Hell, Jack Daniels won't argue that ya have bent over on more than one ocassion for the EWA...five to be exact. But what does that prove Copeland? Face it, ya haven't done jack shit outta the EWA and that's your downfall. All your pathetic life, ya'll be known as the loyal bastard who got nuttin' but an ass rapin' for his services. And after Wednesday night is all said and done, believe me Copeland, it will feel just like ya got as raped and violated in the worst of ways cuz Jack Daniels ain't one for takin' it easy on guys who talk out there ass and can't translate their words in the ring.
Ya know Copeland, I could sit here and tell ya every little last detail of what Jack Daniels is gonna so to your sorry ass. But why bother? For one, it's most likely gonna make ya develop that yellow streak down your back and ass, turn 'round and high tail it outta the arena like the chicken shit that ya are. Hell, I don't blame ya Copeland, cuz I sure as hell would do the same if I were ya and had Jack Daniels to worry 'bout. But I'm not ya...and thank god I'm not. But ya need to realize just exactly who ya are Copeland. You're not the man who made the EWA. You're not the EWA's franchise. People like SmirtDogg, Jeff Bunda and Prodigy made the EWA what it is today...not ya. They raised the bar and brought forth a new standard of rasslin' 'fore Jack Daniels took it and raised it yet 'nother level. All ya did Copeland was sit back, watch and follow 'long. So ya had two World Title Reigns. What, ya think that makes ya some type of legend 'round here? I don't fuckin' think so Copeland. Ya wanna talk legends, then look no further Copeland cuz there's one starin' ya right in the face right the fuck now. When ya have had 5 World Title reigns...when ya have amassed over twenty individual titles... when ya have had and won over 150 matches...when ya have been thrown off the Grand Canyon...been shot with nail guns...hit fourteen consecutive times with a chair...plummeted over forty feet through three stories of tables...then come and talk to Jack Daniels 'bout bein' a legend bitch. But until then, the words Shawn Copeland and legend don't even belong in the same sentence unless you're sayin', "Shawn Copeland is nowhere near beain' a legend what-so-fuckin'-ever". Damn, moral lessons...history lessons and now grammar lesson...you're really gettin' your monies worth today Copeland.
(Suddenly, some ugly ass hooker comes up to Daniels and taps him on the shoulder...)
Hooker: Hey big boy...how about it? How about a couple of hours with me, if you could handle it that is.
Jack Daniels: *turns to the camera* What, is the whole family out ont he street tonight Copeland? Listen bitch, I just got done tearin' your little brother a new asshole and the last thing ya want is Jack Daniels doin' the same to ya. So step the fuck off bitch.
Hooker: Aw come on. I need to feed my family, especially my brother who couldn't wrestle for his life.
Jack Daniels: Here I'll tell you what...take a twenty spot *Daniels reaches into his pocket, pulls out a bill and hands it to her*. Go buy yourself and your brother Shawn a hearty meal cuz Jack Daniels on an empty stomach could really fuck him up to levels beyond belief. Then take the change, and tell the sorry bastard to go buy himself three things...some skills...a gimmick...and a FUCKIN' MIRACLE! *The hooker goes to reach for the bill, but Daniels drops it on the floor and makes her bend down to get it. As she does Daniels walks by her and purposely knocks here over to the ground and just continues walking*. BWAHAHAHAHAHA...stupid bitch.
Copeland, I've given ya more than ya could ask for. In addition to the verbal assault I handed ya, I gave ya a history lesson, moral lesson, economic lesson, some charity and some advice no one else could give ya. What more do ya want Copeland? A shot of Jack Daniels? Hell I'll give your sorry ass a shot of Jack Daniels...straight no fuckin' chaser. But that alone will put ya out on your ass, so what mkaes ya think that ya can handle a double shot of Jack Daniels? Yeah, that's what I fuckin' thought...ya just can't. So let this be a lesson to ya Copeland, think 'fore ya open your mouth and spew out some bullshit, bury yourself six feet deep in it and then can't dig your way out of. After Wednesday night, not only are ya gonna be buried six feet under bullshit...but you're gonna be drownin' in six feet deep of Jack Daniels.
Till then...BITCH!
(Daniels stops and looks around, looking for a way out of the hell hole that he's in as the scene fades to black...)