(The scene opens and we see none other than the legend himself...Jack Daniels. Daniels is pacing back and forth outside of some building, with a duffel bag strapped around his shoulder and a cell phone in hand. Let's listen in on his phone conversation...)
Jack Daniels: What the hell do ya mean Copeland cut 'nother promo? I don't give a flyin' fuck what he did...All the words in the world couldn't save his sorry ass. WHAT?! Ya sent a camera crew...for what? Ya want Jack Daniels to cut 'nother promo? That wasn't in my contract. Yeah, you're damn right ya'll make up for it and since ya put it that way, I'll tear the sorry sunuva bitch 'nother asshole. Now where's my limo? My limo...where in the hell is it? Yeah, it damn well better be here in five minutes or ya can go find yourself a new camera crew if ya catch my drift. Alright...
(Daniels closes his cell phone and turns to see a camera all up in his ass...)
Jack Daniels: Yeah sure, you're here on time, but where the hell is my limo? Last time I let Gates arrange my accommodations to the arena. But since you're already hear and Jack Daniels has nuttin' better to do than to wait for this limo, plant your ass over there, point the camera at me and shaddup so Jack Daniels can tear this jackass Cooper his second asshole in just two days.
What's the matter Cope, couldn't get 'nuff of Jack Daniels the first time 'round so ya just had to come out and beg for some more, didn't ya? Ya know what they call that Copes? They call that a MARK. Now Jack Daniels couldn't blame ya one bit for bein' a mark of mine. But there's no need to hide it or deny it. Ya need to step outta the closet, well in more ways than one...now I can't disappoint my biggest mark and not throw in one gay reference that he jusy absolutely enjoys. Ya need to step out of the closet and admit it not only to Jack Daniels and the world, but to yourself. And ya know, that just might save ya from a monumental ass whoopen that Jack Daniels has in store for ya Wednesday night, to only an epic ass whoopen. Now that's a deal and a half if I ever saw one. But the one thing it won't save ya from is complete embarrasment and humiliation. *Suddenly a black stretch limo pulls up* Ya know, Jack Daniels is just gettin' started here, so why don't ya hop in and let's go for a ride Cope...A ride ya'll never ever forget for as long as ya live bitch.
(Daniels hops in the limo, as does the cameraman. Daniels gets comfortable in his seat and continues speaking as the limo drives off...)
Jack Daniels: Do me a favor Cooper...a huge favor for that matter. Take one of your borefests of a promo, pop it in your little VCR and just listen to youself for one consecutive minute. Go 'head Copes, do it. *Daniels pauses for a minute* What's the matter...can't do it can ya? I didn't think ya could, or anyone for that matter. Now from the three seconds that ya saw 'fore passin' out or breakin' the damn remote from tryin' to turn off your VCR, do ya hear just how stupid ya sound? Do ya actually think ya sound convincin'? Honestly, do ya actually think ya make a case for yourself? Hell son, the only case ya make for your sorry self is that you're a complete, stutterin' fool that doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground. Forget 'bout the titles ya have held in the past. Forget 'bout the miracles ya have pulled outta your ass and the flukes that have resulted in victories over half-decent opposition. Put that all aside and what are ya left with Cooper? I'll tell ya what you're left with. You're left with ABSOLUTELY NUTTIN'! You're left with nuttin' to brag 'bout. You're left with no accomplishments or accolades. You're left with no dignity...no pride...no self confidence. You're left with nuttin' but a big pile of bullshit to stare at and talk 'bout. Ya need to learn to deal with reality bitch, cuz no one in their right minds could give two shits 'bout ya or what pathetic feats ya have pulled off in the ring. And boy, wouldn't ya just love to sneak one by Jack Daniels? Wouldn't ya just love to take claim to holdin' a victory over Jack Daniels. Well keep on dreamin' motherfucker...cuz it sure as hell ain't happenin' in this lifetime.
Coop, do ya actually believe that ya can compare yourself with Jack Daniels? C'mon Cope, get serious now, will ya? It's like comparin' that yella stuff to Grey Poupon...it's like comparin' baby shrimp to lobster...peanuts to macadania nuts...cheap dip to caviar....ya get the picture. You're jst not in my class Copelan, and quite frankly puttin' me in a match 'gainst someone with the calibur as Copes, well it's just a plain fuckin' slap in the face... an insult to the worst degree. Ya belong with the KG's and the Joe Lemons of the industry. You're a has been that just doesn't know when to quit. Well, ya know when to quit, ya just don't know how to stay the fuck home and outta the ring. Don't ya get it Copeland, you're time is up. Not only in the EWA, but in this circuit all together. Everyone is sick and tired of havin' to put up with your bullshit and your bush league tactics. I tried tellin' ya that last time, but ya obviously can't get it through your thick fuckin' skull, now can ya?
The fact that ya had yourself a few matches with some big names and pulled out a few miracles outta your ass means jack shit Cooper, cuz not even two weeks later, ya cough up the gold or ya hightail it outta here to save yourself the embarassment of losin' it in a squash 'gainst the Joe Lemons and the Serpant Men. Ya see Cope, the key to makin' a name for yourself is not only to win those big money matches, but to keep on winnin' in those pressure situations, just like Jack Daniels has time and time 'gain. People would criticize this drunken bastard cuz he couldn't get over that hump. Well one day he said fuck ya all and from there on in, thrived in clutch situations. But ya still can't seem to grasp that concept...that skill...and quite frankly, ya never will. Cuz ya like to run your mouth like the little bitch that ya are and just don't know when to stop. And 'fore ya know it, you're already dug yourself a hole six feet deep in the ground and all that's left to do is to spit on ya and dump the dirt on ya.
Ya know Copes, bein't the kind drunken bastard that Jack Daniels is, he's gonnna help ya out a bit here. Ya see, I know fully well that after Jack Daniels makes your pathetic ass known and whoops it from here to holy hell, that you're gonna be left out on the streets, right alongside the rest of your family. But Jack Daniels has just the idea for ya. Ya see, 'fore I dozed off durin' those promos of yours Cooper, I noticed something ya like to do an awful lot other than bitch and whine. Ya like to pick apart your opponents post...ya pick, pick and fuckin' pick like it was your nose or your ass, thinkin' that it's gonna give ya some sort of advantage over your opponent. Hell, in some cases it might son, but in your case...it ain't gonna do a damn thing for ya except turn back on ya and bite ya in the ass. But there's still a handful of people out there that are like ya Copeland, naive and don't know their elbow from their ass. So here's an idea for ya...why don't ya make yourself an instructional veideo teachin' youngsters who are breakin' into the business the art and makin' of a promo. Since ya seem to be the expert crtique, just seems fittin'. But then 'gain, we don't want a bunch of talentless motherfuckers who don't know any better than to mimic Mr. Welfare Check Shawn Copeland. Shit, ya wouldn't put a single ass in the seats and bring this business to an all time low. That wouldn't be good for business...hell, that wouldn't be good for anyone.
(The limo comes to a stop as the driver gets out, walks around to Daniel's door and opens it. Daniels steps out of the limo as does the cameraman. We're standing in front of the Richmond Arena where tonight's classic Clash Of the Champions is set to go down. Daniels looks at the arena and walks in as he heads for his locker room but continues speaking...)
Jack Daniels: Ya see this place here Cope? This is the very arena where you're carreer and your life weill be changed for ever. The EWA...yeah in a way Copes, right now it may be thr Broadway of rasslin' since the lockin' of the doors of that fed down south. And Clash of the Champions, is it's premiere show...it's premiere performance...it's "money maker" if ya will. But the so-called Money Maker won't make the EWA's Money Maker anymore different or special than it already is. Yeah go 'head Copes, go 'head and make fun of a one and three record that Jack Daniels ain't fuckin' happy 'bout at all. But ya see, ya don't want nuttin' to do with a one and three Jack Daniels Copes cuz ya know damn well as does everyone else, that Jack Daniels will do whatever it fuckin' takes to get this back on track and put all the fuckin' critics to rest...especially your critiquing ass. Tonight Shawnie boy, tonight ya are gonna get what's been comin' to ya for a long...loooong time. Your mouth never seems to stop but I will make it stop once and for all...whether Jack Daniels has to beat ya within an inch of your life or step in some dog shit and then stick his size thirteen boot in it...Jack Daniels will shut it the fuck up. Go 'head Copes...I dare ya...I fuckin' dare ya to come out here 'gain and try and talk shit 'bout Jack Daniels. Hell, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if ya did cuz ya obviously realize that ya absolutely stand no fuckin' chance unless ya get some cheap advantage in your favor. Go 'head bitch...make my fuckin' day. And Jack Daniels will make your night a fuckin' livin' hell, and will make damn sure ya wake up the next morning with a FUCKIN' HANGOVER!
But regardless, one thing is for sure Copeland. Jack Daniels uses and abuses ya here tonight and marks his road on his journey to the greatest prize in the game today...the EWA World Title. And after Jack Daniels gets done humiliatin' your pathetic ass in front of millions of viewers...ya and the rest of 'em will be...JUST 'NOTHER MARK! Here, I'll save ya the trouble and embarrasment now.
(Daniels walks halfway down the hall, and spots a locker room door with the words "Shawn Copeland" written on them. Daniels pulls out a piece of paper and produces a pen. Daniels scribbles on it for a moment and then sticks it on Copeland's door. Daniels looks at the camera and gives the finger as he walks off and heads for his own locker room. But what does that piece of paper say? Why don't we just find out...)
(Scene fades...)