(The scene opens and we find ourselves at the very site of the EWA's TNT, The Delta Center in Salt Laki City, Utah. And surprisingly, we find ourselves looking right at the door of the Men's bathroom. If the cameraman had to take himself a dump, then maybe he should of taken care of that before the interview that's about to take place. Suddenly, the bathroom door swings open and out comes none other than Jack Daniels! Jack Daniels stops, and zips up his pants before he steps out of the bathroom. Daniels looks up and notices the cameraman pointing the camera right at him as Daniiels begins speaking...)
Jack Daniels: Damn, ya know some things just never change. Jack Daniels is MIA for 'bout a month or so, and his first match back...his very first match back and the EWA has got this pathetic excuse for a cameraman all jammed up my drunken ass, in hopes that Jack Daniels lays down one of his traditional, epic verbal tirades that only Jack Daniels can produce. Well ya know, normally Jack Daniels wouldn't hesitate a single solitary second in doin' so. But ya see, seein' as how Jack Daniel's opponent this week happens to be Dredd, there's only one thing that Jack Daniels can do. And that's take a shit, which is exactly what I just got doin'.
Ya see Dredd, everytime Jack Daniels just hears the name "Dredd"...everytime Jack Daniels thinks 'bout how ya have yourslef a match with the Drunken Legend, it just makes me produce a mass amount of feces. And no Dredd, don't humor yourself and think that for one second that Jack Daniels fears your pathetic ass. Ya see, it's simple jackass, when Jack Daniels thinks Dredd, he thinks shit cuz that's exactly what all your years in this circuit...all your accolades...all your accomplishments amount to...a big pile of shit. And when ya think 'bout it and add it all up, basically the bottom line is that Dredd is nuttin' but shit. That couldn't be any closer to the truth if ya ask me. Hell, that would explain the crowd of flies always circlin' Dredd in and out of the ring.
(Daniels steps away from the bathroom and begins walking around the Delta Center as he continues speaking...)
Jack Daniels: Ya know, that would also explain the reason why Miss Gang Bang Chang has decided to be by your side. One piece of shit for 'nother piece of shit. Hell, if ya ask me there couldn't be a better match than these two. Think 'bout it for a second. Ya got Miss Bang Chang, who changed guys quicker than her underwear. Scratch that, word in the locker room is that she doens't even wear underwear cuz she can never keep it on for that long. Nevertheless, she would come in, do what she had to do and take off 'fore she could even get her first paycheck. She disappears for an eternity and then comes back as if nuttin' ever happened. As if she didn't put a whole roster of men out of a job time after time. Now how does that remind me of ya Dredd? Ya see, in a way your the same piece of work. Ya kissed ass and gave head everywhere ya could in order to climb up that ladder. Once ya were PUT up there, never really earnin' your spot, ya would take off for months. And now, ya come back and endanger us all of bein' outta a job. How ya ask? Shit, have ya ever seen yourself in the ring Dredd? Yeah, it's that bad Dredd, and just the sight of ya in the ring makes almost all of the viewers and fans in attendance run for the bathroom. Yeah ratings might hit an all time low when your fat ass in the ring puttin' us all in jeopardy. But don't forget, flushin' is at an all time high once your ugly mug pops up on the screen.
Now what's sad 'bout this whole situation is that Jack Daniels knows exactly what Dredd is gonna come out sayin', tryin' to sound all big and tough and like the better, more deservin' competitor here. (Mocking Dredd) Gee Jack-O, remember how Dredd used to beat you up in the NYSWF for the World Title? My all time record against you is...(end mocking) no one really gives a shit. But that's typical of ya Dredd. Cuz that was back in the day when no one knew the inside of Collins ass better than your dick. What have ya done since then Dredd? Tell me, ever since your "great days in the NYSWF", what in the hell have ya done since then? Havin' a hard time comin' up with an answer, eh Dredd? Well don't sweat it cuz Jack Daniels has got an answer for ya...a nice two word answer for ya...JACK FUCKIN' SHIT! Make that a three word answer. Ya see, that's what seperates the likes of ya from the likes of a Jack Daniels...the good from the great. Just in case ya haven't noticed, Jack Daniels went on to more titles than ya could count on your fingers and toes. Jack Daniels has moved on up to that Upper Echelon that everyone dreams of doin', but only very few do. Hell, I don't have to tell ya just how fuckin' great Jack Daniels is...ya know first hand. That size 13 boot mark on your right ass cheek will tell ya just how fuckin' great Jack Daniels is. To be put in a match with the likes of a washed up never has been is a fuckin' insult to Jack Daniels. I am what the EWA is all 'bout. Former EWA 2-time Tag Team Champion, Hardcore Champion and Intercontinental Champion. Jack Daniels has been here since day one of the EWA re-opening. I brought the EWA up to what it is now. When there were no other big names here, I carried all of the EWA on my drunken shoulders...nobody else.
You my friend, you couldn't even carry a sack of potatoes. Ya are way past your prime Dredd. Thinkin' otherwise is just laughable. But you're the butt of the joke Dredd...you've always been. You're incoherent babblin' ya call a promo puts viewers in a coma...those viewers that were able to fight off the urge of runnin' to the bathroom that is and takin' a Dredd. You're gonna come out and say how Jack Daniels is no threat to ya and that you're gonna beat him from pillar to post. That's real nice to hear jackass. Think what ya wanna think, it's a free fuckin' country. But the second ya come on the EWA airwaves to bore the people half to death, put in the most effort ya have in years behind your promo and ramble on and on and fuckin' on, all paranoid that it still won't be 'nuff to handle a round of Jack Daniels...that right there just proves to me...ya...and the rest of the rasslin' world that ya know ya can't beat Jack Daniels. Don't worry jackass, I'll take it easy on your washed up ass. I'll tell ya what, I'll even give ya a head start on the beginning of a new carreer after Jack Daniels puts an end to your joke of a rasslin' carreer. Ya have a bright future in the medicine area Dredd. Ya'll put Pepto Bismol, Exlax, Maalox...ya'll put 'em all out of business with your new treatment for constipation.
(Daniels stops walking and looks into the camera as he adjusts his voice to represent one of those infomercial guys that tell you about a product...)
Jack Daniels: Ever find yourself running to the bathroom, holding your stomach, yet nothing comes out? Ever find yourserlf pushing harder and harder, yet nothing comes of it? Ever find yourself drinking that pink stuff by the bottle only to realize you wasted your money? Wll have none of that no more, because the new method of relieving constipation is here folks. All you need is a tv or a camera. And to prove our method never fails and is 100% guaranteed to work, we're going to give you a free sample. So just take a look at the television screen and begin unbuckling your pants now. (Suddenly a picture of Dredd comes up on the screen as Daniels voice is heard int he background) That's it, run...run for the bathroom and don't hold back. (The picture of Dredd fades and we see Daniels once again) It's simple, and all you need to remember is this simple equation... Dredd = SHIT!
And come Thursday night jackass, Dredd = 1 dead sunuva bitch!
Till then...MOTHERFUCKER!
(And with that, the scene fades to black...)