(The scene opens and we find ourselves in the same city that is hosting EWA's highly anticipated Pay Per View Wrestlecade II, Chicago. We get a nice aerial shot of the city before the scene cuts to a ground shot of a building. A very tall building in that as well as famous building...the Sears Towers. The camera pans up to get a shot of thebuilding and before you know it, we're right up there on top of the building. But we're not alone, because someone else is standing atop the Sears Towers looking down at everything else. Wait a second, that's one half of the EWA Tag Team Champions...Jack Daniels. Daniels has a bottle of Old No.7 in hand as he looks down from the top of the Sears Tower and begins speaking...)
Jack Daniels: Ya know, everythin' seems so insignificant from up here. All those people on the sidewalks...all those cars in the street...they're just little ants that Jack Daniels steps on and crushes on his way to greatness. But ya see, there's no one as insignificant as Jack Daniel's opponent at Wrestlecade...Evan Douglas. Ya see all that meaningless crap down there? (The camera leans over the edge of the building and gets a shot of the ground down below) They all look like fuckin' cockroaches from my perspective. Hell, they all look like ya Evan. Ya see, you're just like a fuckin' cockroach bitch. You're annoyin'...repulsive...and have no point in life. Ya like to think that ya actually are worth two drops of baboon piss, but the fact of the matter is, YOU'RE NOT! Ya like to think that you're thr greatest fuckin' thin since sliced bread...but YOU'RE NOT! It's time that Jack Daniels sits ya down Evan and gives ya a much needed reality check, cuz by the looks of it, ya definitley need one. So sit down, shaddup and listen and let Jack Daniels put things into perspective for ya Evan.
Let me ask ya a question Evan...where's this so called "greatness" you're always talkin' 'bout. Each and every fuckin' week it's Evan is great and you will touch greatness. Well Jack Daniels will tell ya what he did touch. A tape arrived at the hotel labeled "Evan's Promo". Jack Daniels popped it into the VCR and when he hit the play button, he touched the most unoriginal, pathetic, pile of horse shit promo he ever saw in his drunken life. I mean what the fuck Evan? Why the hell is Jack Daniels wastin' his time with a piece of shit like yourself? Ya know, there was a time when Jack Daniels was actually impressed with your skills and talent. There was a time when Jack Daniels would have gave ya all the respect in the world. But now...you're FUCKIN' PATHETIC! And Jack Daniels will tell ya why. Ya only like to rise to the ocassion when ya fuckin' feel like it. If ya wanna be great as ya say, ya gotta be on top of your game each and every night and gettin' the job done. But that's all ya'll be doin' Wednesday night...the J...O...B! Your ego has taken over and your head has inflated to the size of a hot air balloon. Yeah I know what you're thinkin' Evan, Jack Daniels might have an ego of his own. But what ya don't realize is that I have this ego for a damn reason. I've earned my way 'round here since day fuckin' one. I've beaten the best time and time 'gain and have consistently been atop of the rasslin' world for the last two years. But where have ya been bitch? Ya have been gettin' stepped on by pathetic mid-carders like a fuckin' cockroach all these years, and now that Jack Daniels decides to put ya on a higher podium for the world to see ya, ya think you're the shit. Hello McFly? Are ya that fuckin' stupid Evan? Hell ya must be, I mean look at ya. Just look at how fuckin' stupid and naive ya are bitch. Ya actually believed that Jack Daniels wanted ya at his side in the most godlike stable ever created in FTW. Wake up and smell the coffee bitch, cuz all ya were was a mere example of what happens to sory motherfuckers like yourself, that get in the way of Jack Daniels and FTW. Ya were used and abused and Jack Daniels made his point loud and fuckin' clear. Too bad your sorry ass was unconscious to hear it...BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(Daniels takes a swig from his bottle of Old No.7 and continues speaking...)
Jack Daniels: Ya see Evan, ya were just a little toy that Jack Daniels played with, broke and threw away like yesterday's garbage. And only Jack Daniels can do that cuz he has the power to do so. And you're gonna remember that for the rest of your pathetic life Evan. Every time ya look in the mirror, you're gonna see those three larger than life letters in F.T.W. And you're gonna immediately remember the night Jack Daniels played ya for the fuckin' fool ya are and humiliated your ass in front of the world. But it wasn't your first, and it sure as hell won't be your last cuz ya still got a date with a drunken devil in a squared circle Wednesday night, and his name is Jack Daniels. And he's gonna exploit ya for the unoriginal, pathetic piece of shit that ya are Evan. I mean, ya could have at least come up with something that hasn't been done to death 'gainst Jack Daniels. (Imitating Evan) "Gee let's see, let's walk into a bar, ask the jackass of a bartneder 'bout Jack Daniels...drink some Ol' No.7, then buy a whole shitload of the stuff and throw it off my balcony in a pathetic attempt to symbolize Jack Daniels demise" (end of imitation). Yeah, we got an Einstein on our hands now. But aside from all that unoriginality and acts of stupidity, Jack Daniels saw 'nother side to ya Evan that has finally decided to step outta the closet. The temper side...the anger side of ya Evan. And ya know what it reminded me of? It reminded me that episode of Seinfeld where Jerry tried letting out his anger and ya know what everyone else did? They laughed at him. And everyone is laughin' at ya bitch. From the smart marks...to the clueless fans...to the boys in the locker room...and especially Jack Daniels...we're all laughin' at how ya just get pissed on more than a fuckin' fire hydrant. Don't ya get it Evan? No one 'round here takes your ass seriously. You're a fuckin' joke. Hell, me and the boys sit back in the locker room and place bets on how fast ya lose your stinkfest of a match. Hell, Jack Daniels has made some good money off your ass so maybe that entitles ya to some dividends. Oh, but they won't be int he form of money...oh no damn way. Instead, your dividends will come in the form of a personalized ass whoopin', made out just to ya...and Jack Daniels signature will be all the fuck over it. And to think Evan, one day when you're gathered up 'round a campfire with your ol' pathetic rasslin' buddies, ya'll be able to tell 'em how ya got Jack Daniel's autographed ass whoopin'. And I'm sure they'll tell ya the same cuz chances are, I kicked their pathetic ass 'long the way to the fuckin' top.
(Daniels takes a swig from his bottle of Old No.7 and then leans over the edge of the building and spits it out in the air and watches it fall from the top before he continues speaking...)
Jack Daniels: Ya know, that will probably kill some jackass down there. 'Nother cockroach gets stepped on. Evan, you're gonna get stepped all over once 'gain bitch and realize that ya just can't hang a round with Jack Daniels. Get Jack Daniels a little psychotic and who knows, he may even kill your sorry ass Evan. And ya know why? CUZ JACK DANIELS CAN! That's the best part of this. Not cuz Jack Daniels can out rassle ya...not cuz Jack Daniels is godlike...but cuz JACK DANIELS CAN! How many people can say that? No-fuckin'-body! Especially ya Evan. Ya can... NUTTIN'! That's how great Jack Daniels is Evan. I can do whatever the fuck I want...whenever the fuck I want...to whomever the fuck I want. And they're ain't a damn thing ya or anyone else for that matter, could do 'bout it. See, ya just think that havin' tenure will automatically push ya to the top of the ladder. Uh uh bitch...not by a fuckin' longshot. At least not when it's a long tenure of gettin' your ass whooped and humiliated like yours has. But instead, it's the ones who have a long tenure of whoopin' those asses and humiliatin' 'em that get to the top and can look down on all of ya motherfuckers and spit on ya...just cuz we CAN.
How does it feel Evan? How does it feel knowin' that you're nuttin' but a fuckin' cockroach and at any given moment, someone can just step on ya and put ya out of your misery? I'm sure the misery part kinda makes all that sound worthwhile. Cuz think 'bout it Evan, you're goin' one on one with The Drunk One. This ain't like your gift of a title shot down south 'gainst Grady Smith. This ain't 'bout titles. This is 'bout pride. This is 'bout who wants it more cuz you're put in a position where ya have everythin' to gain here. You're steppin' into my spotlight, which is more than 'nuff for your ass. But don't think for one single solitary second that Jack Daniels won't throw ya right the fuck back out, cuz I will quicker than ya could say "Bartender, hit me up with 'nother round." No bitch, ya won't get to round 2 cuz one round of Jack Daniels is way too much for ya to handle. Yeah, ya might have heard that once 'fore Evan, but this time ya find out first hand. If ya are stupid 'nuff to think that the beatin' Jack Daniels handed ya at TnT was painful and humiliatin', then ya have no fuckin' clue of what's in store for ya at Wrestlecade. Ya see, that's the beauty of Jack Daniels and FTW Evan. We're too fuckin' unpredictable and never...ever hold back. So let Jack Daniels give ya a bit of advice here...
Ya use some of this so-called greatness of yours, pray to the god of holy ass whoopens, that one doesn't come your way cuz it'll sicken ya to your fuckin' stomach to see what Jack Daniels does to ya...and to see it on tape in the hospital the next day.
I know for damn sure there's a fire lit under your ass Evan. And Jack Daniels is gonna be the one who puts it out. Ya have the toughest match of your carreer starin' ya in the face. Ya have your most challengin' opponent breathin' down on ya. Ya have your most difficult obstacle in your carreer to overcome. What do ya do Evan...what do ya do? Do ya blow it like evey other chance in the sun ya get? No. Ya don't blow anythin', cuz Jack Daniels blows up in your face and puts ya right back in your place...at the bottom to mid end of this talent pool until ya earn your way up my fuckin' ladder. No pain...no gain bitch...remember that.
Till then...MOTHERFUCKER!
(Daniels takes another swig from his bottle of Old No.7 and spits it in the camera...signifying end of promo. Scene fades to a shot from a camera lens covered with Old No.7, to Daniels standing tall on top of the Sears Tower. Wonder if he can touch greatness from up here...)