(The scene opens and we find ourselves inside the very site of the next installment of the EWA'a highly anticipated Wednesday Night War...the ICenter. We find ourselves in the back of the arena as the camera closes in on a locker room door. The door is slightly ajar, as the cameraman invites himself inside. Upon his entrance, we don't see anyone inside, but we do hear some running water. After a moment, the water stops and out comes none other Jack Daniels. Daniels is wearing nothing but a towel around his waist. Daniels is getting some water out of his ear with his finger when he looks up and spots the cameraman...)
Jack Daniels: What the...ya fuckin' pervert. Can't a man take a shower in peace without some fuckin' perverted cameraman all up in my drunken ass? You're damn lucky I don't take that camera and stick it so far up your ass that it'll record what little activity is goin' on in that pea brain of yours. *The cameraman starts to backup as to leave the locker room*. Wait, where the fuck do ya think you're goin' jackass? Plant your pathetic ass right there and keep that thing pointed on Jack Daniels, cuz he's got a promo to cut for his match tomorrow night. Jack Daniels didn't tell your overpaid, lazy ass to sit down. Get up bitch and stand up while Jack Daniels verbally tears Haywood a new asshole.
(Daniels sits down on the leather couch as his chest is still dripping of water. Daniels leans back and puts his feet up on the table in front of him as he continues speaking...)
Jack Daniels: If it isn't good ol' Wood Jublome. It's been quite a while Wood. What brings ya to this side of the rasslin' world 'Wood? I mean ya don't have your other little cocksuckin' buddies to keep ya busy and to help ya win all your matches and do your work for ya. Oh wait, I know...Duane Gates blackmailed your ass into rasslin' for him. One mention of your name, he unzipped...ya opened your mouth and ya finally answered to your own name. Well congratu-fuckin'-lations Haywood, for once ya have accomplished something. But don't think for one single solitary second that it's gonna be that easy to make your way to the top here int he EWA and earn yourself the number one contender's spot. Nah, no ass kissin' or no wrappin' your lips 'round influential peoples' members to get what ya want. And ya know, I'm a bit surprised with ya Haywood. I thought I knew ya. I thought ya were a man of honor...a man of merit...a man that would earn everythin' he's gotten thus far in his career. But Jack Daniels realizes that ya lost it as of late Haywood. I don't know if it's the pressure or just the numerous shots to the head that Jack Daniels has given ya, but ramblin' on 'bout the Vietnam War when ya should be focusin' on moi...well that just leads Jack Daniels to believe that maybe you're just not all there up h ere *Daniels points to his head*.
But ya know, somethin' is obviously not right 'round here. I don't know if it's Haywood, if it's me...or if there was just some weird omen or spell placed on this here arena or the EWA all together. Ya see, ya are probably wonderin' just why Jack Daniels is here a day early for his match. No, contrary to popular belief, Jack Daniels hasn't lost it...just yet. Ya see, actually Jack Daniels came here to see Duane Gates. And no ya perverted motherfuckers, he didn't come here for the same reaseon that Haywood goes to see good ol' Gates in his office. Ya see, Jack Daniels came to the ICenter with the intentions of resignin' from the EWA. Yeah ya heard this drunken bastard right, don't adjust the volume on your television sets...Jack Daniels came here with the intentions of resignin' from the EWA. But then something strange happened. 'Fore Jack Daniels could make it down to Gate's office, he noticed Haywood's little promo on the EWA Interview Network. Hell, I figured I could use a good laught, but instead of laughin'...something rather strange happened. Haywood struck a few chords within me and made me think. Ya know, jack Daniels ain't a quitter...and he never has been or quit for that matter. I give it a hundered and tenfuckin' percent each and every time I step in that squared circle, and suprisingly, Haywood would be the first to tell ya that. But like he said, when the goin' gets tough...Jack Daniels just doesn't get goin' most of the time. And that little fact just sits in knots in my drunken stomach and eats away at me. Well to that I say fuck it...cuz ya see as of late, Jack Daniels has developed a new attitude. An attitude that will prove to be not only a success...but deadly. Ya see, back in my good ol' days, Jack Daniels would sit back, rleax and enjoy life and his matches. He would do things the right way and make sure he would please the fans. But that's where I was always wrong. Ya can't listen to the fans, or they'll fuckin' kill your career. And there ain't no damn time to sit back and relax. Ya gotta gove it one hundred and fifty percent a hundred percent of the time. But not only that. Ya see, Jack Daniels couldn't give two shits anymore 'bout who he stabs in the back, or who he has to step over to get what he wants. Jack Daniels is gonna start pullin' out all the stops when necessary. Yeah that's right Haywood...Jack Daniels is not only gonna talk the talk...he;s gonna walk the walk and show ya motherfuckers a side of Jack Daniels that ya wish ya never knew.
(Daniels reaches over and grabs an open bottle of Old No.7 and takes himself a swig as he puts it back down and resumes speaking...)
Jack Daniels: Ya know, it's hard to believe that Haywood actually had a few valid points...it is indeed. But ya know, the bastard is right when he says Jack Daniels takes all his matches seriously, cuz as a matter of fact he does. I'm not gonna sit here and lie to ya Haywood and tell ya that Jack Daniels doesn't give a shit 'bout this match, when in fact Jack Daniels gives two shits 'bout this match and every other match. Just take a look at what I've done in the past just to win match or a title or whatever it may be. I've given up my one true love in life on multiple ocassions...my callin' card...my money maker...mu fuckin' gimmick... my Ol' No.7. THat right there says a helluva lot to what extents I'll go. I've rassled atop the Grand Canyon 'fore i was thrown off of it. Any other bastard would have shaved his nuts, tucked his dick in between his legs and cluck like the chicken shit they are. Prime example...good ol' Wood. Think 'bout it, to what extents has Wood gone just to win a match? Made a couple of long distance collect calls to his little ass lickin' homies to come and save his ass? Damn it Wood, haven't they told ya 'fore to use 1800-Collect. I dunno...thos are some serious consequences ya could have suffered there Wood.
Ya see Wood, while you're sittin' there trying to figure out exactly what my record has been as of late...what your record has been as of late...and what our records 'gainst each other has been as of late...Jack Daniels has figured out just exactly what you're good for, at least to me. Ya see Wood, back in the CWA, when Jack Daniels nearly ended your career, not to mention your life...Jack Daniels used your ass as a steepin' stone. After he beat ya in what was without a doubt the greatest feud this industry has seen in a loooong time...Jack Daniels elevated himself right 'bove everyone else. I took one giant leap 'bove the rest of ya and from there my career hasn't looked back. And now, here in the EWA...Jack Daniels is gonna do exactly what he did over a year ago. No not necessarily damn near end your career, but make no mistake 'bout it Wood, cuz this drunken bastard could do just that whenever he damn well pleases. Instead, Jack Daniels is gonna use ya once 'gain as a steppin' stonoe and earn himself his number one contendor spot. And from there, it's all history Wood, as Jack Daniels will go on to take the most coveted prize in this industry today. The one title that has made boys into men...stars into superstars...and legends into Gods. Of course, the last one will only apply to this drunken bastard. Yes Wood, there's no doubt in this drunken mind that ya will be...
Ya know Wood, this drunken bastard actually thought ya had somethin' inside your head for a moment with the validity of some of those points ya made. But ya obviously proved Jack Daniels wrong on that when ya started babblin' on like your normal self. Ya see Wood, ya can talk all the bullshit smack ya want. Hell, it's your gimmick...it wouldn't be a Wood promo without the nonsense, incoherent, ebonic soundin' smack that makes him sound as smart as a two and a half month old fetus. It's your callin' card...too bad only a certain demographic of the population can actually understand what the hell you're actually sayin'. Nut nonetheless, no matter what ya say...or how much bullshit comes outta your ass, that ya call a mouth...it won't make a fuckin' difference in the world Wood. Cuz what it all boils down to is just who wants it more...me or ya? Who is willin' to pull out all the stops...to do whatever the fuck it takes to get what he wants? There's no lookin' further, cuz you're lookin' at him Wood. Ya damn well better believe that Jack Daniels will step into that ring and take his number one conterdor spot by ANY MEANS FUCKIN' NECESSARY!
Ya see Wood, ya just lit a fire under this drunken ass, and the best part 'bout it is that now ya gotta put it out. And bein' the nice drunken bastard that I am, ya Wood are gonna have the opportunity...the pleasure...and the honor of witnessin' the new Jack Daniels attitude first hand. I used your ass once, and I will use it 'gain to get what I fuckin' want. Remember Wood, Wednesday night is my night bitch. It's gonna be the night that Jack Daniels sets his name in stone and carves his path to the ultimate prize. And for a change Wood...ya will realize just how much it SUX2BU!
Till then...BITCH!
(Daniels gets up from the leather couch and takes off the towel from around his waist, but in a way that it's still covering below his waist. Daniels throws the towel forwards as it covers the lens signaling the end of this interview, as we fade to...well to a white towel I guess...)