(The scene opens and we find ourselves...at an EWA HOUSE SHOW?!?! When's the last time we've seen something like this? Well, except for last week when KG tried to pull this classic stunt off. Seems as if it's the only trick he knows how to do. Anyhow, the crowd has settled down and just as they have, the lights dim and some guitar riffs are heard. Suddenly, "The Fight Song" is heard being played throughout the arena. But the audio isn't sounded all that great to be quite honest. Sounds like it's been dubbed over or something. Anyhow, out on the entrance way has appeared quite arguably the greatest wrestler to ever grace the ring...Jack Daniels. Daniels, makes his way down to the ring as he grabs a mic and begins talking...)
Jack Daniels: CUT THE FUCKIN' MUSIC! Why don't ya bastards show some goddamn respect for the greatest sunuva bitch ya ever laid eyes on in this ring. (crowd boos) Now, let's get down to business. And business this week has hit an all time low, cuz ya see Jack Daniels has to fight the absolute worst sunuva bitch that has ever laced up a pair of boots and has stepped into my ring...KG. KG, do ya actually think ya stand a fuckin' chance 'gainst Jack Daniels? WRONG BITCH...YA DON'T! So shut the fuck up, bring your sorry ass to the ring and take note as to why JACK DANIELS AIN'T TO BE FUCKED WITH!(And with that, that odd sounding version of "The Fight Song" by Marilyn Manson plays throughout the arena once again as the scene fades to....whoa whoa whoa...that can't be it... CAN IT? The scene fades to black...but wait a damn second...it's fading back in to another location. Wait, we're in a room of a house. There's a big screen TV, a pool table, and a bar? Wait, that can only mean one thing...this has got to be the home of Jack Daniels. And indeed it is, cuz there's the man...the myth...the legend himself, Jack Daniels, relaxed on his leather couch with a remote in his hand. Daniels begins to speak...)
Jack Daniels: What, ya thought that was it KG? Oh no bitch...not by a fuckin' longshot. Ya see, Jack Daniels ain't gonna let ya off the hook that easily here. So what was up with that little teaser there in the beginnin'? Jack Daniels will tell ya what was up KG. Ya see, Jack Daniels figured he would rip a page outta your book and show ya just how fuckin' ridiculous it looks. Yeah, maybe everyone has cut a promo at a house show back in the ol' days. But that was then KG...and this is NOW! And just in case ya haven't notice KG, a helluva lot has changed. But ya haven't KG...and quite frankly, that's pretty pathetic.
Ya see KG, in this time and age, ya need to be on the cuttin' edge. Ya need to know what's goin' on 'round ya and what the standards are. But ya obviously don't know jack shit KG. Ya see KG, ya need to wake up and realize that yesterday's tactics and standards aren't gonna cut it today. Hell, they didn't cut it for ya back in the days of the ol' EWA and the NYSWGAY, so what the fuck makes ya think they're gonna work for ya now KG? I don't know what fuckin' possessed ya to step back into a ring and humilaite yourself more than ya ever in your ol' days. I mean, do ya get off on losin' KG? Do ya get off on bein' humiliated and havin' your ass handed to ya each and every fuckin' week? Ah wait a damn second, I see where you're comin' from KG. All the humiliatin'...all the losin'...it's your callin' card KG. Plain and simple...it's your fuckin' gimmick. You're the curtain jerker... you're the sorry sunuva bitch that helps put over the younger talent. Plain and simple KG...you're just 'nother Joe Lemon. Ouch...now that's gotta hurt.
But ya see KG, it's not gonna hurt as much as this ass whoopen that Jack Daniels is gonna hand ya. Ya see KG, normally I wouldn't get all this worked up 'bout fightin' a pathetic bastard like yourself. But ya don't realize what this does for my reputation KG...for my image. Ya see KG, ever since ya parted ways with the ring, Jack Daniels has gone on to super stardom, as ya already know. Five World Title Reigns...over 150 career wins...over twenty other Title reigns. I've been main eventin' longer than ya could only imagine KG. And now, Jack Daniels comes to the EWA for what...to get put in a match with K Fuckin' G? Do ya see what this does to Jack Daniels? Look, just look at what spot on the card this low profile match has placed me at. This is un-fuckin'-believable. And this is all your fuckin' fault KG. And now, you're gonna fuckin' pay...you're gonna pay big time bitch. Jack Daniels has got himself a goalllhe's on a mission...but now cuz of the fuckin' retards of a bookin' committee, everythin' has to be put aside for one pathetic, sorry ass sunuva bitch that doesn't know the difference between a wrist lock and a wrist watch. So I hope ya bastards are happy when KG steps into the sqaured circle and then a massacre ensues. Ya might wanna consider whoopin' out those censors come Wednesday night, cuz the things Jack Daniels is gonna do to this sorry bastard aren't gonna be pretty...but instead...it's gonna be fuckin' repulsive, offensive, everythin' the PTC hates and bans.
(Daniels puts the remote down and then takes a swig from his bottle of Old No.7 and then continues speaking...)
Jack Daniels: Now I know exactly what you're thinkin' KG, which is kinda creepy, but nevertheless...you're lookin' at Jack Daniels and see next to his name a big, fat 0-3 record. And you're sayin', things haven't changed a damn bit since the ol' days. But ya know, Jack Daniels is lookin' at your surprising 0-3 record, and ya know what he sees? He sees an 0-3 sorry sunuva bitch that couldn't rassle his way outta a paer bag. Think 'bout it KG...would ya want to face an 0-3 Jack Daniels or an 0-3 KG? Yeah that's what I fuckin' thought. Just take a look at who Jack Daniels has had to fight and lost to. Cold Hardin' Cash and Erik Draven in a triple threat World Title Match...Cold Hardin' Cash and Raven in a tag match...and Haywood Jublome in a number one contendors match. Now that's quite a list of guys right there that could all easily be champs on any given day. Now, how 'bout your tough competition to the road of a very unimpressive 0-3 record. Hmm let's see, we got Phoenix Dark...Rob Who? And then...the Butcher?!?! Excuse Jack Daniels for a moment...
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
You're kiddin' me right? Shit KG, ya just made Joe Lemon look like a fuckin' superstar. That has got to be the most pathetic list of losers anyone could ever dream of losin' to. And your dreams came true KG, cuz ya lost to each and every one of 'em. Congradu-fuckin-lations KG, ya have now been inducted to the biggest and sorriest losers hall of fame. How does it feel KG? How does it fuckin' feel to be the laughin' stock og the EWA? How does it feel to be the Joe Lemon of this circuit? How does it fuckin' feel to have your ass handed to ya each and every week in a fuckin' paper bag? Well, ya can take all those feelings of hurt and pain, roll 'em all into one, multiply it by a thousand and that's exactly what you're gonna be feelin' after Wednesday night is all said and done bitch. If ya have any common sense in that thick head of yours at all KG, ya will call Gates Wednesday mornin' and call out sick and tell him ya can't compete in your match 'gainst Jack Daniels cuz ya have been sick all day. But in reality, we'll all know that it will be cuz you're too fuckin' afraid of havin' your ass whooped by the greatest their is...Jack Fuckin' Daniels. That's my name bitch...and it'll be too soon if ya ever forget it after what I do to ya Wednesday night.
Till then...MOTHERFUCKER!
(Daniels picks up the remote...presses a button and just like that, we have faded to black...)