(The scene opens and we find ourselves inside some sort of television studio. Cameras are set up along the side and ready to shoot. In front of the cameras is a normal set up. A black background with a simple chair in front of it. But it's who's sitting in the chair that makes this whole set up a bit unusual. Some old fart with a beard is sitting in the chair with a make up artist standing over him, putting the final touches on him. She moves out of the way as the cameraman counts down...)
Voice: And in 5...4...3...2.......
(The cameras begin rolling as a spotlight is shun on the old man sitting in front of the camera.)
Old Man: In the course of history, there has been great fear among teenagers and young adults about date rape. But there is no greater fear than there is today. Our surveys show that 37% of first dates among teenagers ends up with some sort of physical violence or unwanted sexual advances. 37 percent. It makes stop and wonder if you really know the person you're going...*Door slamming int he background is heard*...out with.
(Suddenly a large figure is standing behind the old man. The old man stops and looks behind him as the camera pans up to get a glimpse of his face. It's JACK DANIELS! Daniels picks up the old man by the collar and tosses him to the side...)
Jack Daniels: Ya just got the hook old man. Jack Daniels knew this was the studio to cut his promo in when he heard that old fart talkin' 'bout rape. Cuz ya see, when anyone in the rasslin' industry hears the word rape, the first person that comes to mind is the sorry motherfucker that Jack Daniels is gonna whoop this Thursday night...Venom. So sit back, relax, grab yourselves a bottle of Ol' No.7 and listen to Jack Daniels lay down a verbal barrage on Venom. Now don't get your panties in a bunch Venom, cuz Jack Daniels ain't here to lecture ya on rapin' and all that like the old fart was earlier. But what Jack Daniels will do is give ya a look into the very near future if things keep goin' the way they're going for ya Venom.
(Daniels steps in front of the chair and sits down in it. He adjusts his shirt a bit and clears his throat as he points to the camera as if to tell the cameraman to begin rolling and Daniels speaks...)
Jack Daniels: In every sport, greats arise and seperate themselves from the ordinary. Legends are made and sometimes they are broken. The good guys are casted as heroes and the bad guys are casted as villians. But no matter what any individual has done or achived...no matter hero or villian...no matter legend or not, one day their time comes and they call it quits. There's only so many chair shots the human head can take. There's only so much abuse the human body can take in the ring. There's only so many profanities that can be said and so many two dollar hookers that can be employed for their services and then thrown off the balcony. And the question everyone asks when old rasslin' memories pop into their heads is..."Where Are They Now?" And this they wonder 'bout one superstar. No not SmirtDogg...or Haywood or Bunda or Richards. Well, yeah they wonder 'bout those legends...but Jack Daniels ain't gonna bring up to date on 'em. Instead, this drunken bastard is gonna tell ya 'bout Venom and exactly where he is now. But 'fore we get to that, let's give ya a look at the ol' Venom and show ya just how he ended up where he is today.
Ya see, the name says it all...Venom. A poisonous liquid that is often ejected by snakes. Ya see, throughout his career, this poisonous liquid filled Venom's head and made him disillusioned. It made him disillusioned at the fact at how terrible he really was, when he in fact thought he was the greatest thing since sliced bread. He was disillusioned at the fact that he was far from bein' the "heat magnet" that he thought he was. Just like the poisonous fluid venom does, Venom killed the fans' interest in rasslin'. Venom killed the ratings. Venom killed two dollar hookers by droppin' 'em off his balcony. The people didn't hate him for his extreme acts of violence or his vulgar language. The people didn't hate him for his connivin' plots and stabbings ol' friends in the back. The people hated him for his desperate attempts to draw attention to himself and come off as something he is not. Fakin' injuries, sickin'g rabid dogs on people, runnin' down innocent people with a truck, stabbin' ol' friends in the back...his desperate acts lead him to a plcae that only he deserved to go. No, not jail...not hell...although he deserves to be in both of those places. But today, ya can still find him in a squared circle, performin' in front of crowds of no more than 50 people, fightin' the likes of Joe Lemon and Serpent Man and holdin' just as impressive loss record as those two have. And when he's not in the ring, he's on the street, sellin' his fifty cent hookers...some of ya may know them as his sisters and his mother. Some of ya probably wish ya never asked where he is now, but that's the sad truth 'bout a lowlife piece of garbage like Venom. He's livin' a life of luxury considerin' his past actions haven't put himn in the slammer just yet. But ya can count on this drunken bastard when he tells ya that the enxt time he comes on the air and gives ya his "Where Are They Now" update, that Venom will be exactly where he deserves to be...IN HELL! MUAWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(And with that the scene fades...what did ya actually think this promo was over. Not by a longshot jackass. But Daniel's "Where Are They Now" special is, as the camera's stop rolling and the spotlight turns off and all the other lights come back on. The EWA camera keeps rolling as Daniels sits in the chair and signals for the camera to come in closer and keep rolling...)
Jack Daniels: Now ya see Venom, what Jack Daniels just said was no joke. That's how you're gonna end up in the very near future if ya keep goin' the way ya are. But let me ask ya somethin' Venom...what happened to ya? What in the hell happened to "The Extreme Superstar"? I remeber a Venom cuttin' a hate filled promo, talkin' more smack than anyone else could, makin' his opponents look bad in and outta the ring. Now Venom...now ya ain't jack shit. No one gives two shits 'bout ya. Ya dropped your little fairy friends in F.T.W. and now you're absolutely fuckin' nuttin'. Ya were once up here Venom*Daniels holds his hand up near his head to signify just how high up*. But now...now you're all the way down here *Daniels lowers his hand down to about his waist*. And now it's time for Jack Daniels to take full advantage of that and hand ya an ass whoppin' that has been comin' your way for a long...loooong time.
Ya see Venom, ya and this drunken bastard go back a ways to right here in the EWA back 'bout 2 years ago. Back when we were runnin' together and rasin' hell left and right, only like the FTW of that time could. But then ya had to go and stab Jack Daniels in the back only months later in the infamous CWA, when ya, Kaze, Haywood and the rest of your Black Panther bruthas were trying to make some noise. Remember that oh so memorable battle royal that ya just happened to win back then Venom? Of course ya do cuz that was your one single solitary moment in the sun. Well, do ya remember who was the last one standin' in that ring with ya...the one ya had to throw over the top to win? Yeah, that's right bitch, you're lookin' at him. But ya couldn't quite do it yourself, so instead, your ass lickin' friend Haywood came and did the dirty work, like he's used to doin'. Fast forward to the NEWF/NPWA era. It wasn't 'nuff that ya beat down Jack Daniels with a baseball bat, but ya had two rabid dogs that ya sicked on this drunken bastard. Hell, I was in the hospital all fuckin' night long gettin' rabies shots...tetanus shots...Venom STD's shots...ya name, I got it. And after Jack Daniels finally got one up on ya just two months ago when he came down to ringside as ya and the rest of your FTW lackies were layin' the boots to Hardin' Cash, and swerved ya and the rest of the rasslin' world by beatin' the livin' hell outta ya...ya still had to come back and piss Jack Daniels off. Oh...don't think Jack Daniels forgot Venom...not by a fuckin' longshot.
But ya see Venom, that's all in the past and there's nuttin' that can be done 'bout that. Hell, I'm cool with that. Actually, there's one thing I can do 'bout everythin' that has gone down between us in the past. I can use that...use it as fuel and light a fire under this drunken ass and let ya try and put it out on Thursday night. But the way Jack Daniels sees it Venom, is that in fact ya need a fire lit under your ass cuz as of late, Jack Daniels is not even sure if ya have a pulse anymore. Jack Daniels is hopin' that the Venom of ol' comes back out and shows up Thursday night...cuz that's how I want it to be. That's how Jack Daniels wants to beat ya and finally settle the score and set everythin' straight once and for all. Jack Daniels doesn't want to beat an already half dead Venom and go on and win the title with that on my back for the rest of my life. But ya see Venom, regardless of exactly which side of ya comes out on Thursday night, Jack Daniels will live up to his word like he always does. Jack Daniels will hand ya your sorry ass on a fuckin' silver platter with your STD infested dick stickin' right out of it.
(Daniels gets up from the chair and walks off the set as he continues speaking...)
Jack Daniels: It's my time Venom. Hell it was my time months ago in the MTT2, but a certain tag team partner of mine fucked it all up for Jack Daniels and the Triple Crown slipped outta my hands. But after realizin' that there'll be plenty of other opportunities for that, Jack Daniels went on to do what he does best, and that's hand out 101 proof ass whoopens to anyone and everyone that steps in his drunken way. And as of late, there has been no one that could stop me either. And don't think you're gonna be the first to do so Venom. Ya see, that Heavyweight Title has Jack Daniel's name written all over it. And what better way to earn my shot and go on and win it by first beatin' your sorry pathetic ass. It's like buyin' two for the price of one...it's a win win situation for this drunken bastard. Not only does he get to whoop your ass all over Dayton Ohio, but he earns his shot at the EWA World Heavyweight Title. As ya can see Venom, it's a good time to be Jack Daniels. And it's 'bout time that ya realize just why...
Till then...MOTHERFUCKER!
(And with that, Daniels exits the door of the studio and the scene fades to black...)