Another one bites the dust…
Another one bites the dust…
(The scene opens and we find ourselves at…The Grand Canyon? What the hell are we doing way out there? Well, why don’t we just find out? The camera pans the canyon, and there look…it’s none other than Jack Daniels. He’s sitting up against a large rock as he takes a swig from his bottle of Old No.7. Daniels is decked out in a pair of black dress pants and a black silk buttoned down shirt with gold designs on it, except the shirt ain’t buttoned down, rather Daniels has left it unbuttoned. Those sunglasses Daniels is wearing is preventing the bright sun from blinding him. Daniels looks up as he begins spekaing…)
Jack Daniels: Well…well…oh fuckin’ well. Ya know, ever since this drunken bastard has set foot in the IWF, he has been raising hell like no one else can. From not callin’ Smirt’s match too damn near cripplin’ the sorry sunuva bitch. But ya see, that’s nuttin’ compared to what this drunken bastard is gonna do to his opponent which, unfortunately for ya, it’s The Crippler. Now this drunken bastard knows that all ya marks out there are askin’ yourselves the same question over and over and over again, "Why in the hell is Jack Daniels sitting atop the Grand Canyon?" Now don’t get your panties in a bunch here, this drunken bastard will answer all questions in due time. Ya see, Crip and Jack Daniels ain’t strangers to one ‘nother. We have gone toe to toe…the Looney One has gone one on one with The Drunk One ‘fore. But ya see, all those matches we had were meaningless until we once again went met in the CWA. Which brings me to the Grand Canyon.
(Daniels pauses to take a swig from his bottle of Old No.7.)
Ya see, The Looney One and The Drunk One just didn’t have a match in the CWA. We didn’t just ‘rassle. We engaged in a fuckin’ war which had us both fightin’ for our lives…literally. Ya see, that looney bastard and this drunken bastard were placed atop of this very fuckin’ canyon. Right here…RIGHT FUCKIN’ HERE! Now unless ya have absolutely no common sense in ya , ya would realize that Jack Daniels and The Crippler have both survived that match. But let this drunken bastard tell ya…JUST FUCKIN’ BARELY! We were both launched over the edge of the canyon and still live to tell ‘bout it. Ya see Crip, that shows Jack Daniels that ya have the intestinal fortitude, as well as the testicular fortitude, to survive a round of Jack Daniels. That’s good…that’s good Loonman. Cuz ya see, you’re gonna need every bit of that intestinal and testicular fortitude, and then some, to take down this round of Jack Daniels that’s gonna be served to ya this Sunday night. Ya see, after that night was all said and done, ya might have been able to walk on your own two feet, but not me…not this drunken bastard. He was all beat up, on the outside and the inside. Hell, for two weeks, people thought that this drunken bastard was dead and hell, some thought that Jack Daniels was soberin’ up. Ya see, it doesn’t fuckin’ matter what anyone thought or exactly where The Drunk One was, cuz the fact of the matter is that this drunken bastard will pull out all the stops and take as much punishment as drunkenly possible to not only beat Crippler, but to rid this business of a piece of shit like the Looney One.
(Daniels stands up and signals for the cameraman to follow him. Daniels walks out to the very edge of the canyon, as he grabs the camera and points it down into the canyon.)
There. Ya remember that Crip? This bring back memories that ya wouldn’t care to remember? Well it fuckin’ should cuz that right there is the exact path ya took straight down into the Grand Fuckin’ Canyon. This drunken bastard launched your looney ass right off this very edge and right down into that hell hole. Ya remember that Crip? Remember when your life was flashin’ right in front of your eyes? Remember what was runnin’ through your head as ya plummeted to near death? Do ya remember the look on this drunken bastard’s face when ya looked up after bein’ launched off of this cliff? Well Jack Daniels is glad to see that ya do cuz this time ‘round…this Sunday night…ya won’t even have a split second to remember any of those things cuz this drunken bastard is gonna knock ya the fuck out. He’s done it ‘fore so don’t think that for one single solitary fuckin’ second that Jack Daniels can do it again.
Ya see, ya have always had this one small problem Crip. This one problem that has kept ya from becomin’ a legend like this drunken bastard. And that itty bitty problem is that ya just can’t get over that hump. Sure, ya win your share of matches against those mid card hoes that no one could give two shits ‘bout. And ya might put some gold ‘round your waist that means absolutely shit. But it always seems like ya just can’t beat those top names in this business. Ya can’t beat the established talent. Hell, take this past week for example. Ya even had the upper hand on that sorry sunuva bitch Haywood, and ya still couldn’t beat the motherfucker. Ya played this whole mystery angle out, leavin’ Haywoodsomeonegivemeadollarsoicouldbuyafuckingclue guessin’ and wonderin’ how he should prepare for the match. And ya still couldn’t beat the bastard. And don’t tell Jack Daniels ya almost did, cuz almost doesn’t count in this drunken book. Ya don’t get it Loonman, do ya? Ya see, as long as ya can’t compete up to the level of legends like myself, then you’re always gonna be a nobody…a nuttin’…a FUCKIN’ PEON INTHIS BUSINESS! And you’re just gonna have to deal with that. The truth hurt…don’t it?
But not as much as the ass whoopen this drunken bastard is gonna hand ya come Sunday night. Cuz ya see Loonman, Sunday night, Jack Daniels is settin’ out to make his mark on the IWF. This drunken bastard has made his presence felt and now it’s time to raise hell in the drunken ring and show everyone just why Jack Daniels is gonna straight up and grab what he came here for…the IWF Heavyweight Title. Now Crippler, whether ya came here for the same thing or just a good ol’ fashioned ass whoopen by yours truly, Jack Daniels couldn’t give a flyin’ fuck. The Drunk One is gonna use ya for one reason and one reason only Lunatikk, and that’s to use your pathetic ass as a steppin’ stone and make my drunken way to the gold. Crip, you’re gonna feel what it’s like to be used and humiliated come Sunday night, along with findin’ out once more for good ol’ times sake, just why…(Daniels looks into the camera and pulls his sunglasses down, causing his eyes to pierce through the camera lens…)
JACK DANIELS AIN’T TO BE FUCKED WITH!!!
Till then…ya LOONEY ASS SUNUVA BITCH!
(Daniels takes one more of his trademark swigs from his bottle of Old No.7 as the scene fades to black…)