(Fade in. The picture provides us with a bright, blurry shot. Some minor adjustments and some focusing will do the trick. The camera shot zooms out a bit and the picture begins to clear up a bit. We begin to see some sort of inscriptions in gold. As the camera keeps zooming out, we begin to make out some letters here and there. Look there's an "E"...and an "A"...and an "L". The camera zooms out a bit more and the following can be seen inscripted in gold...NEWF WORLD TITLE JACK DANIELS. HOLY SHIT! That's a shot of the NEWF WORLD TITLE! Everything starts becoming more clear as the camera zooms out. It's the Newf Title...and look around whose waist it's around...JACK DANIELS! And there's the two-time NEWF Heavyweight Champion himself, Jack Daniels walking down and even though he is a two time NEWF Heavyweight Champion, the deamenor on his face tells us a different story. What could be on his mind? Why don't we just find out...)
Jack Daniels: Ya know, this is unethical. This is un heard of. This is UN-FUCKIN'-BELIEVABLE! I can't fuckin' believe what they did. (OK, a little more pissed than I thought) Ya know, never, in as long as Jack Daniels has been whoopen ass in that ring...never has this happened. I...the NEWF Heavy...no no no...the TWO-TIME NEWF Heavyweight Champion, is put in a match...(Daniels pauses for a moment before continuing) is put in a match that's...not headlin' a card? What the fuck has this world come to? I'm Jack Fuckin' Daniels...and I'm the NEWF Heavyweight Fuckin' Champion. Jack Daniels owns The Main Event(pun intended). And speakin' of The Main Event, it seems as if the bastard is gonna be my partner in this Lethal Lottery Tourney. Which is why I'm out here walking down this street. Ya see, Jack Daniels figured he would keep his anger and temper in check by focusin' on this match and maybe not the fact that it ain't headlinin' Slugfest. It's fuckin' Slugfest for cryin' out loud. (Daniels shakes his head).
Anyway, ya see...the fact is that he's my partner and there ain't a damn thing I can do 'bout it. So Jack Daniels thought he would make the best of this little situation that has got everyone and their momma markin' like little twelve year bitches. All the fans and all the people out there are predictin' that Daniels and TME are gonna plow through their competition. And for once intheir pathetic lives, the fans are actually right. But savor the favor jackasses, cuz it sure as hell won't happen in this century. Ah, here we go...
(Daniel swings a door open and walks into a store. As we walk in, we realize it's a drug store similiar to the likes of a CVS or a Right Aid. Daniels walks down a few aisles and after a few turns, Daniels spots what he's looking for. He scratches his head, obviously confused...)
Jack Daniels: There's like twenty different typs and formulas here. How the hell am I know which one he uses?
(The camera shifts to get a shot at what Daniels is looking at. It's...it's NYQUIL?! NyQuil...of course. That's what TME loves to drink and to help him gain an advantage over opponents from time to time. Daniels picks up two different formulas of NyQuil as he looks them over. Suddenly an employee of the drug store approaches Daniels...)
Employee: Can I help you with anything sir?
Jack Daniels: Yeah, I'm lookin' for a certain type of NyQuil. But I'm not sure if it's this one or that one.
Employee: Well what are the symptoms sir? This one here is for a fever and a nasal and chest congestion. The other one is mainly for cough and nasal and chest congestion.
Jack Daniels: Ya see, it ain't for me Skip. It's for my partner. But I could find out which one I need cuz I know how it feels to have it spat all over my face. So can ya just stand there for a second and help me out?
Employee: Ummm...ok Mister.
(Daniels opens up the first one and takes a swig from the small plastic bottle. He turns to the employee and sprays it all over his face, just like TME would. Daniels opens the second one, takes a swig and sprays the NyQuil in the employee's face again.)
Jack Daniels: Now, did either one of 'em kinda burn your eyes or did any of it get in your nose and kinda sting?
Employee: Yeah, they both did.
Jack Daniels: Oh, so then I guess it doens't matter which one I get. Wait a second, they have drowsy or non-drowsy. Hmmm, that could make all the difference in the world. I better go with the drowsy formula. Since it's quite obvious that Jack Daniels could take care of both of his opponents all by his lonesome self...and the fans paid to see their NEWF World Heavyweight Champion rassle and not TME, hopefully this drowsy formula will knock him the fuck out and save him from embarrasin' himself like he does each and every time when he steps in the ring with Jack Daniels. (Daniels puts the opened ones away and grabs a few of the drowsy formula ones) I'll take these.
Employee: Alright, that will be $14.87.
Jack Daniels: Maybe ya didn't hear your NEWF Champion right. I said...I'll TAKE these.
(Daniels takes the bottles of NyQuil and puts them in his pocket as he walks out of the store and heads back up the street as he continues to talk...)
Jack Daniels: I think TME will be happy with this little gift here. But if anyone here should be buyin' the gifts, it should be TME buyin' one for Jack Daniels. Ya see, when ya stop and think 'bout it, TME is the one comin' out the winner when we're paired together. Ya see, he doesn't have to worry 'bout Jack Daniels catchin' up on his record win total, cuz a win for Jack Daniels is also a win for TME. And let's not forget that this will bring TME instant credibility and fame as an NEWF great cuz bein' associated with Jack Daniels will do just that. And finally, it will give TME yet 'nother piece of gold in the NEWF Tag Titles. And the journey to the Tag Titles starts this Sunday night 'gainst little Way-Way Willmott and Rhino. A quick look at the facts. Way-Way and Rhino, two men that have never crossed paths 'fore...hell, that probably never even heard of each other until two weeks ago when Kanyon announced 'em as tag team partners. Now frommy standpoint, Jack Daniels doesn't see much cohesiveness here. Jack Daniels doesn't see a superstar tag team here. Jack Daniels doesn't see a fuckin' chance for these two. Now Jack Daniels and TME, hell we both know each other like the back of our own hands. We know what the other is gonna do 'fore he even does it. We know what the other is thinin' 'fore he even thinks it. Just look at what's written on paper Way-Way and Rhino...32 wins between the two of us, 4 Title reings 3 of 'em bein' this title right here that everyone in this damn industry just drools over (Daniels points down to his Heavyweight Title). And as for Wilmott and Rhino, well Jack Daniels doesn't want to completely humilaite 'em until Sunday night, so we won't even mention what's written down on paper for those two.
Now it's time to give Way-Way a reality check here cuz for some strange reason, he seems to belive that Jack Daniels isn't the man. Well I don't know exactly where ya get your news stories from, but from wherver ya do Willmott, they obviously don't know their ass from a hole in the ground. Ya see, these sixteen pounds of gold hangin' 'round my waist right now suggests otherwise. It suggests that I'm the very best out there. It suggests that I'm the man and am on top of the rasslin' world. And yeah, it also suggest that I'm a marked man. And Jack Daniels isn't just talkin' 'bout every member on the NEWF roster. He's talkin' 'bout every damn rassler in this industry. But let's take the Dirty Fuckin' Retards for example. Ya know, 'em bastards disappoint me. Now Hailey is no doubt pissed that he lost the most precious he ver owned in the NEWF Title. And all of DFR is pissed cuz I think it finally soaked into their minds that Armageddon is damn serious 'bout wakin' control of the NEWF and puttin' DFR out on the sidelines. So seein' as they Armageddon is one up on 'em, they went ahead and evened the numbers with little Way-Way. Now do ya know what ya just did to DFR Willmott? Yeah, ya weakened 'em...ya watered down DFR. Ya see, there's an old sayin' Willmott and it goes like "A chain is only as strong as it's weakest link". By lettin' ya in on the action Willmott, DFR has just signed their own death certificate cuz Armageddon thrives on takin' others' weaknesses and exploitin' 'em to make little pieces of shit like ya Way-Way realize that they ain't worth the shit stuck on the bottom of their own shoe.
Ya know Willmott, it amazes me. It amazes me how quick ya can turn 'round and let your ass do all the talkin', cuz what ya came out and said regardin' Jack Daniels was nuttin' more than bullshit. Ya see, not too long ago, ya would run 'round and tell everyone just how big of a Jack Daniels mark ya were. Hell, ya probably still are, I mean who isn't a Jack Daniels mark? But now...now that ya get the chance to step in the same ring with a legend like Jack Daniels, all the markin' comes to a stop and suddenly you're this tough, smack talkin' motherfucker that thinks he owns the NEWF. Well wake up bitch cuz ya don't own jack shit. And ya never will until ya earn an ounce of respect from everyone else. And at the rate you're goin', ya'll never 'mount to nuttin' but a big pile of horse shit. Ya realized that ya had no time to waste and that ya needed to get int he spotlight right away. So ya went ahead and sold your soul to Dicks For a Reason. Well congradu-fuckin'-lations Willmott cuz ya just brought this match to a whole new level. Ya brought it down to the high mid-card. Something unheard of for a World Champ like myself. Ya see Willmott, ya and your little partner there have brought me outta the spotlight for Slugfest, and ya better believe that pisses me off. A word to the wise Way-Way...maybe ya should forget 'bout bringin' up my past and tryin' to play the role of my psychiatrist. If I needed one, I would have asked ya to set me up an appoitment with yours cuz he obviously has a headache on his hands with ya. Ya know Willmott, maybe ya should focus more on the present situation. The fact that I' the NEWF Heavyweight Champion. The fact that I haven't swallowed a drop of Ol' No.7 in weeks. The fact that ya have the most impossible task 'head of ya this Sunday night. Or if that's too much for ya Willmott, maybe ya should focus on what the future holds for ya. Complete failure. And if that's still too much for ya, then maybe ya should focus on the immediate future...reservin' yourself a room in a nearby hospital after the ass whoopen and a half that has your name all over it is delivered with a smile.
(Daniels continues walking as he pauses for a moment before he continues to speak...)
Jack Daniels: And then there's the man beast Rhino. A rookie in this business. A guy with the determination...with the desire to make it somewhere in this business. Well here's your chance Rhino. It's bein' served to ya on a fuckin' silver platter. I mean could it get any easier for ya? Damn, just how much head do ya give Best and the other suits to be handed an opportunity of a fuckin' lifetime. First match in the NEWF, ya get tossed up right in the high mid-card area 'gainst one of the greats this business has seen in Haywood. Of course, ya BLEW it. Now ya got 'nother shot to not only redeem yourself, but to make a fuckin' name for yourself. Hopefully a new name cuz Rhino...Uh uh son...it just ain't gonna cut it. Ya know, Jack Daniels just can't help but notice how ya like to bleed. Well bleedin' is nuttin' new to Jack Daniels. Ya see, for years Jack Daniels came out and gave everythin' he had. He gave 'em his sweat...his Ol' No.7...and he gave 'em his blood. Whether it was gettin' shit in the arm with a nail gun...whether it was fallin' twenty feet through three stacked tables...whether it was bein' wrapped in barb wire from head to toe...Jack Daniels bled. And after all the blood was poured outta this drunken body, Jack Daniels began to make a name for himself and is now the most feared motherfucker to step in the squared circle. Now don't get Jack Daniels wrong Rhino, he wasn't the only one doin' the bleedin'. He made each and every sorry sunuva bitch that pissed him off...he made 'em pour their blood out to him to show him their worthiness. Bottle after bottle after fuckin' bottle of Ol' No.7 was cracked over dozen's of skulls. But now Rhino, I make my opponents bleed the hard way...with my fists. Whether it takes three seconds or three hours...Jack Daniels would make 'em feel just what it was like ot be in my position when I was first breakin' in. And ya Rhino, will be no different. Bein' how much ya get off on the site of blood, Jack Daniels will make have have an orgasm like those three Vietnamese hookers that Venom violated. But that blood won't be mine. Oh no Rhino, not by a fuckin' longshot. Ya want to get by Jack Daniels and his partner for a shot at the NEWF Tag Titles? Well you're gonna have to BLEED to get it. Hell, you're not only gonna have to bleed bitch, you're gonna have to pull out a miracle from your Rhino sized ass to beat a legend like Jack Daniels and his tag team partner. But regardless, after Jack Daniels is done with son, everyone will have forgotten the name Rhino.
(Daniels stops for a second and notices a liquor store beside him. He walks in and a half moment later walks out with a bottle of Old No.7 in hand and continues speaking...)
Jack Daniels: Now seein' that both of ya, Way-Way and Rhino, seem to be a little stubborn and thick headed to acceptin' the fact that Jack Daniels and TME will plow right throw ya, Jack Daniels is gonna give ya bastards a visual so maybe it will finally soak into your small minds. (Daniels walks down an alley towards a dumpster and then pulls out the bottle of Old No.7 and one of the bottles of NyQuil he picked up earlier.) Ya see fellas, this dumpster here represents your determination...your desire...your chances...your talents and abilities. Or in other words...a big pile of nuttin'. Now let's just see what happens to that nuttin' when it tries and fucks with Jack Daniels and TME.
(Daniels opens up the bottle of Nyquil and empties it in the dumpster. He thenopens the bottle of Ol' No.7 and empties that into the dumpster. He reaches into his back pocket and pulls out...A MATCH! Daniels lights the match, looks at it for a second and then tosses it in the dumpster...SWOOOOOOSH! The dumpster goes up in flames instantaneously.)
Jack Daniels: It goes up in flames and gets burnt to a motherfuckin' crisp. Just like your dreams of ever havin' the opportunity to wear an ounce of gold 'round your waist. And just like your thoughts and predictions of beatin' Jack Daniels in that ring Sunday night.
Till then...MOTHERFUCKERS! MUAWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(And with that, the scene fades to Willmott's and Rhino's chances going up in flames...)