This drunken bastard being all he can be
This drunken bastard being all he can be
(The scene opens to the clear blue sky. There’s that something in the air that just makes ya want to get up and climb a mountain. Or in this case, go to an Army base? Yup, that’s exactly where we are…at an Army base. But why in the hell are we at an Army base? Well, this may give us all a small clue. Look at who’s walking onto the premises…it’s none other than our NEWF Heavyweight Champion, Jack Daniels. I don’t like the looks of this. What is that drunken bastard up to now? With a bottle of Old No.7 in hand Daniels walks up to a building. The sign on the front door says "Administration Office". Daniels looks at it for a moment, and then opens the door and walks in. Daniels walks up to the front desk where a stern man is standing and begins speaking…)
Jack Daniels: Yeah, who does this drunken bastard gotta see to sign up for the Army.
Clerk: YOU?! You want to join the Army? Now why would someone like you want to join the Army?
Jack Daniels: Well ya see, Jack Daniels has got to fight this ex-military sharpshooter motherfucker. So this drunken bastard figured he would polish up on his military skills and surprise the sorry jackass.
Clerk: I see. Well that bottle of poison isn’t going to do you much good.
Jack Daniels: Isn’t gonna do me much good? Now ya see, that’s where you’re wrong. Now I can’t get into why and all that and Jack Daniels knows that ya want to know. But that’s ‘nother story for ‘nother day. Now is this drunken bastard in or what?
Clerk: (Takes the application in his hand and throws it aside) Yeah…yeah. Go right down this hall and through the double doors. General Fitz will be waiting for you.
(Daniels walks away from the clerk and down the hall. He walks right through the double doors and enters a rather large office. Someone is on the phone, but we can’t see his face because he is facing the other way, looking out the window. We can hear the last words of his conversation on the phone…and he sounds might pissed. He slams the phone down and turns around in his swivel chair…)
General Fitz: (mumbling) Maggot… (looks up at Daniels) What the hell do you want? A handout? Well get out of here you bum.
Jack Daniels: BUM?! Bazooka Joe is here? Where is he?
General Fitz: What the hell are you talking about?
Jack Daniels: Huh…oh nevermind that. So General Ford…
General Fitz: That’s Fitz…
Jack Daniels: Oh…so General Motors…where does this drunken bastard start. I’m ready for my trainin’…Jack Daniels is ready to be all he can be.
General Fitz: You know, a person like you makes me sick. You freely walk around here wasting your life with that poison. And what’s even worse is that your happy with that. You need to be taught a lesson. Yeah…and training is what you need.
Jack Daniels: Nah, this drunken bastard doesn’t want to go to Bazooka Joe Gimmick School…he just needs to find out how to get in his head and beat him at his own game.
General Fitz: Yeah maybe you’re right. Maybe you just need to visualize and witness what a normal, sober, healthy lifestyle is all about. Let me at least give you a tour of the place.
Jack Daniels: Yeah, now you’re talkin’ Futz…
(General Fitz gets up as he and Daniels leave the office. They walk outside and turn a corner. In the distance, you can see recruits doing jumping jacks, marching and other various tasks. General Fitz begins to speak…)
General Fitz: You see Jack, here at the Army, we not only teach you to be all you can…
Jack Daniels: This drunken bastard doesn’t care what ya teach Futz. No cuz ya see, it’s what Jack Daniels is gonna teach Bazooka Joe come Monday night. Now ‘fore this drunken bastard goes ‘head and rips BJ a new asshole here, let me ask ya Futz…ya got different classes of Army recruits, right? What are they?
General Fitz: Well, you got Trainees over there doing calisthenics. There you have Privates, and over there are Team Leaders.
Jack Daniels: And that’s goin’ from the lowest rankin’ to the highest, right General?
General Fitz: Affirmative.
Jack Daniels: Well ya see, just like ya have ranks and classes of Army recruits, well we have ranks and classes of ‘rasslers. Ya see we got curtain jerkers. Those are the scum of the roster. Those are the people that try and keep the fans busy and entertained ‘fore a live show even begins. They know what bein’ dark is all ‘bout. Then ya got your mid-cards…kinda like those Privates over there. Now BJ, that’s exactly where ya fit in. No, you’re not the NEWF Television Champion. You’re the NEWF Mid-Card Champion. You’re the top mid-carder and that’s all your worthless title means. It’s true BJ, but ya just can’t seem to get a grasp of reality. Well, that’s quite alright Joe. Just leave it to Jack Daniels to give your sorry ass a REALITY CHECK! A reality check in many different areas BJ.
Ya see those Privates over there BJ? In many ways, you’re just like ‘em. Ya may have done some time and moved on up just like those Privates over there. But ya haven’t made your way up that far yet. Hell, ya can even call yourself a Team Leader if ya want cuz it doesn’t even make a fuckin’ difference. Ya see, Jack Daniels is at a level far more superior than yours BJ. Hell, Jack Daniels is your drunken Colonel, Lieutenant and General for all your concerned Joe. Ya see, The Drunk One runs this show. Not ya…not DFR…NO ONE…but Jack Daniels. That’s just one of the responsibilities that comes ‘long with havin’ the Heavyweight Title ‘round your waist. One that Jack Daniels has done just so well…and will continue to do so whether it be ‘gainst Grady Smith…TME…Spencer Barrington…or even Bazooka Joe. Now if ya have opened your eyes BJ, ya would have witnessed that this drunken bastard has overcome all of his opponents in title defenses. Whether it be by the slimmest of margins or by a huge squash…the fact of the matter is that there is STILL sixteen pounds of gold ‘round this drunken waist. Now granted BJ, ya have done almost the same. Ya have beaten every single opponent that has been thrown in your direction. Now Jack Daniels says almost cuz just take a look at the level of your competition. The man with a kindergarten education Johnny Napalm, Craven Blood, Adam Weitz and Cutthroat. I think one word sums up all of these suns a bitches…Who? They’re mere nobodies in this business. And they always will be. And ya know what? Ya top of that lists. Yeah, that’s the sorry bunch of losers ya get to represent, cuz that’s exactly what ya are BJ…a pathetic piece of white, inbred, Army trash. And believe it or not, those are the man’s good qualities.
(Daniels pauses for a second to take himself a swig from his bottle of Old No.7. General Fitz speaks up…)
General Fitz: Now let’s go to the…
Jack Daniels: Hold up there Futz…this drunken bastard ain’t done just yet. Ya see, in the meantime BJ, while ya were havin’ fun with those peons…Jack Daniels was whoopin’ ass of the best the NEWF had to throw at me. Spencer Barrington…his title shot maybe arguable, but he has shown the talent to maybe one day, with the right direction, be standing in The Drunk One’s spotlight. TME…he may be one conceited sunuva bitch preachin’ a load of lies and bullshit. But the man can sure as hell put up a fight when he wants to. Grady Smith…does I need to get into what Grady has done in and outta the ring in his prime? Jack Daniels didn’t think so. Ya see that’s the difference between ya and me. Ya may have a title ‘round your waist…but you’re givin’ it a bad name. However, this drunken bastard has made that sixteen pounds of gold the most prized possession in this industry. Jack Daniels is on the top of ‘bout a dozen of peoples’ lists. And here ya are BJ, wastin’ The Drunk One’s time when he could be out there takin’ care of those other bastards and shoot ‘em done one by one. Ya sidetracked this drunken bastard from that and now your G.I. ass is gonna pay.
(Both men start walking again. They pass a bunch of recruits that are marching forward. Suddenly, one of their voices is heard and all of the recruits begin singing and dancing somewhat as they march on…)
Recruits: Oh don’t ya know, that’s the sound of the men… *single voice* Get back…*everyone again*working on the chain…Yeah ee yeah. Oh don’t ya know, that’s the sound of the men, working on the chain. Ooohh, aaahhhh…Ooohh, aaahhhh… Oh don’t ya know, that’s the sound of the men…*single voice* Get back…*everyone again* working on the chain…Yeah ee yeah. Oh don’t ya know, that’s the sound of the men, working on the chain. Ooohh, aaahhhh…Ooohh, aaahhhh…
General Fitz: That there is our top recruit (pointing him out)
Jack Daniels: His name doesn’t happen to be Private Bean?
General Fitz: Yeah, how did you know?
Jack Daniels: Lucky guess ya could say. But BJ won’t be so lucky come Monday night. Hell Joe, now Jack Daniels can understand why you’re straighter than a grizzly’s dick, other than the fact that ya haven’t gotten laid since Vietnam. Havin’ to march ‘round and sing that crap all day long would drive this drunken bastard to utter insanity like it has done to ya. But ya know what drives this drunken bastard even more crazy, and I’m sure the same goes for ya BJ, when people come out here and call ya a joke. Ya see, people have called Jack Daniels that cuz well, he likes to go out and have himself a little fun every now and then and he likes to endulge in Ol’ No.7. And cuz of all that, people like ya Joe look at this drunken bastard and immediately think that Jack Daniels is some fuckin’ joke. Well does it look like Jack Daniels is jokin’? I didn’t fuckin’ think so. Title defense after title defense…this drunken bastard has come out and has taken care of business each and every time he has been asked to. Ya see, there’s a difference between ya and Jack Daniels. Daniels proves himself a worthy champion night in and night out ‘gainst top talent. But as for yourself, ya haven’t proven JACK SHIT! The only thing ya have proven is that you’re the top mid-carder right now in the NEWF…nuttin’ more and nuttin’ less. Ya have in no way proven just why ya have yourself a shot at my title.
Now Jack Daniels has beaten ya ‘fore BJ…and ya better fuckin’ believe that he will do so ‘gain in a fuckin’ heartbeat. It doesn’t matter if you’re Television Champion or not. It doesn’t matter if Jack Daniels is drunk or not. The bottom line is quite simple…so simple in fact that even someone thick headed like yourself BJ, can comprehend that a round of Jack Daniels is not only too much for ya to handle…but it knock ya right on your ass. Yeah, ya knocked Daniels out on his ass two weeks ago and ya cost him the match just this past week. But rather than attackin’ this drunken bastard from behind like ya so cowardly do, why don’t ya try while he’s lookin’ this time. Why don’t ya try while ya got his full attention. Or do ya realize the simple fact that everyone else has come to realize through time and ass whoopens that…
Either which way ya look at it BJ, come Monday night…you’re gonna find that out for the second time.
Till then…MOTHERFUCKER!
(Daniels takes himself a swig from his bottle of Old No.7 as he begins to walk away, we can hear Daniels singing somewhat…)
Jack Daniels: Oh don’t ya know, that’s the sound of the men…get back, working on the chain…Yeah ee yeah…Oh don’t ya know, that’s the sound of the men…working on the chain……
(Scene fades to black…)