(The scene opens as we find ourselves right outside an open door. We seem to be in a hotel of sorts. The cameraman slowly enters the dark room. There isn't much lighting the room, as the camera seems to trying to find the source of the light. After bumping into a few things, the camera finally tracks down the light source. It's a television. And how convienent is it that the television happens to be showing a recent promo cut by the NEWF's Cold Harding Cash. Look at CHC go on and on about an upcoming match. The camera pans the room and wouldn't you know it, there's good ole Jack Daniels snoozing away in that recliner. Can you blame him, look what's on the tube. Exactly. Next to Daniels on a table, is that empty bottle of Old No.7. Yup, the one Daniels was talking to the last time. Anyhow, as the screen on the television finally turns into static, Daniels finally starts to come to. Daniels rubs his eyes a bit and notices the camera staring right at him. Daniels shakes his head and then starts speaking...)
Jack Daniels: Ya know, it never ceases to amaze Jack Daniels just how many times a Cold Hardon Cash promo will make me fall asleep. And I'm sure it has knocked all of yaout as well at some point or other. HA, that's good ol' Cashman for ya. Ya see, the beauty of this bastard is, he never changes. And this time 'round was no different... was it Seven? (Daniels turns to that empty bottle of Old No.7 as the question was directed to it) Yeah I know, tell me 'bout it little buddy. I mean the sunuva bitch comes out and talks and talks and talks some innocent human bein' to fuckin' death. But that's not your biggest problem here Cashman. Ya see Hardon, ya have this one problem where ya talk yourself up a big game, and then when it's all said and done, ya never seem to...hmmm...what's the word Jack Daniels is lookin' for... (Daniels turns to his little buddy for help and then turns back to the camera)yes that's the word, thanks little buddy. Now like Jack Daniels was sayin', ya talk yourself a big game and when it's gone down in the books, ya never seem to CASH in on it.
So seein' as ya can't cash in on your opportunities oh Mr. Cashman, Jack Daniels is gonna do something for ya. He's gonna give ya a much needed lesson...a valuable one actually. Cuz Jack Daniels is gonna show ya just how to cash in on things. Let me give ya some examples first so ya get an idea of just what I'm talkin' 'bout. Remember when Jack Daniels was given his shot at the NEWF Title just a few months ago? Well I told TME and the world just how it would go down in that Iron Man Hell In a Cell match. And then he walked into the squared circle and CASHED in on that opportunity. Remember when Jack Daniels took both the Television and World Titles from ya in that other fed down south in New York? Oh don't ya just hate it when ya can't remember 'em Hardon? Well Jack Daniels refresh your memory a bit, cuz he told ya that he was takin' those titles from your waist and bring some respect and some virtue in 'em. And ya can bet your bottom dollar that's exactly I did. And as usual...Jack Daniels CASHED in on his word and opportunities. Now you got to realize Cashman, cashin' in doesn't mean usin' your food stamps your momma sends ya off to the market with. Cashin' in doesn't mean cashin' in empty soda cans and bottles found in the streets and dumpsters at a recyclin' machines at the supermarkets. Oh no Cold One. Ya see, until ya grasp the true meanin' of cashin' in on your words and opportunities, then you're really not cashin' in on your gimmick neither. Alright CHC, let me give your illiterate, inbred ass a few minutes to understand those simple, yet true statements.
(Daniels turns to "his little buddy", that empty bottle of Old No.7, and speaks in it's direction...)
Jack Daniels: So what else did the poor bastard say while I was in a coma from his promo? Really...ya don't say? He said I'm too stupid to beat him? (Daniels laughs) He's the one who comes from the highest populated illiterate state of Kentucky. That hole in the wall ahs a higher IQ than anyone else in Kentucky. And ya wanna talk 'bout stupidity? (Daniels laughs and then pauses for a second.) What? He's pissed how everyone tells him he's not like the ole CHC and doesn't have it anymore? Well ya can't get any closer to the fuckin' truth than that. Hell Hardin', ya should be down on your hands and knees, ya know, your normal position, and be kissin' the feet...even the asses...of those who even gave ya a chance in the ring. Yeah you're probably right. CHC most likely figured out what I was tryin' to say by know. And if he hasn't, which isn't uncommon for him, then he never will.
Now bein' the nice guy that I am, I'm gonna give ya a few tips that will help ya along your way if ya ever want to be money 'gain. First off, even from the first two minutes that Jack Daniels did get to watch 'fore goin' into coma, he realized that ya sir Cashman sound too much like a little fuckin' second grader talkin' the most intelligent smack ya can. (In a mocking sense, with a little kid's voice obviously directed at CHC) You're stupid...you like farm animals...you're a lardass (end of voice). Well it's good to see that Hooked on Phonics worked for ya CHC. But ya see, to be taken seriously, ya must speak seriously and with some sign of intelligence. Which I knows is hard for ya, seein' how intelligence in Kentucky is as hard to come by as seein' a pig fly in the air. So I'll tell ya what Jack Daniels is gonna do for ya. After he gets done whoopin' your ass and makin' ya the little bitch that ya are, Jack Daniels is gonna hand ya some money. No, not for your mammas daily dose of cigarettes and crack. But for ya do order Hooked On Phonics, Lesson 2. Maybe this will teach ya how to speak to somone and actually be coherent and understandable. Now who else would actually try and help ya out other than Jack Daniels? That's right...NOBODY! Cuz the fact of the matter is no one really gives two flyin' shits 'bout ya. now Jack Daniels ain't sayin' he gives two shits 'bout ya, or even three for that matter...cuz he doesn't.
(Daniels kind of shakes his head a bit before he continues spaking...)
Jack Daniels: But as much as I hate to admit it, we do have something in common. Ya like ya Cashman, Jack Daniels was once in your position...your depressed frameset. He too at one point was on the bottom of the barrell like ya are. Well, actually you're more of on the bottom of someone's shoe next to dog shit, but let's just pretend for argument's sake. But ya notice I said we had something in common, and was once in your position. Ya see, just the last two weeks, crazy thoughts have run through my mind. Thoughts of retirement...thoughts of leavin' for good...thoughts of not bein' able to cut if anymore. And those are probably the same thoughts that haunt ya CHC right now. Well, Jack Daniels has drowned these thoughts and is up and runnin' at full speed. I have left that mental state in the dust and I'm ready to answer your thoughts. Ya see, come Tuesday night, Jack Daniels will show ya how ya just can't cut it and why ya should just retire from bein' further humiliated.
As ya can see Cashman, this here is gonna be avery valuable lesson to ya. Just like Jack Daniels told ya it would be. Yeah it was your first lesson on how to play your gimmick. And maybe it was your first lesson onto success. But what it all boils down to is one single lesson that many 'fore have learned the hard way from Professor Daniels. Now I have already given ya lessons in Ass Whoopen 101 and handlin' rounds of Jack Daniels. But this Tuesday night...Tuesday night is gonna be your ver fisrt lesson in just why...
Jack Daniels: Consider this a small gift for ya Cashman. And the ass whoopen on Tuesday night, consider it a FUCKIN'G REALITY CHECK!
Till then...BITCH!
(And with that, the scene fades to black...)