Class is in session
Class is in session
(The scene opens and we find ourselves right outside John A. Adams Junior High School. Oh no. This can’t be. Please don’t tell me that Jack Daniels has quit drinking again just because he has one of the most difficult tasks ahead of him, in beating Spencer Barrington and Grady Smith. This isn’t the first time Daniels showed his face at some AA meeting in an elementary school. I guess we might as well cut to the inside of the school and get the official word from the man himself. Did anyone else notice that it’s morning hours and it’s a weekday? Maybe it was just me…)
(We cut to the inside of the school, in the auditor…wait, actually we’re right outside the… PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE?! What are we doing here? Too bad we can’t look in and see what’s going on because the office door has a cloudy window where u can only see shadows inside. Wait, we see a figure stand up…a large figure. Suddenly, the shadow gets closer and closer, the figure is heading towards the door. The camera back up a step as the door swings open…IT’S Jack Daniels! Daniels looks back into the office as he steps out and speaks to the principal I guess…)
Jack Daniels: Thanks Mr. Wilson. Thanks for lettin’ this drun…err…me speak to a few of the classes. (waives to principal)
(We get a quick glimpse of the principal as Daniels closes the door. Daniels looks into the camera and begins speaking…)
Jack Daniels: Ah, this drunken bastard is glad to see ya made it here to get all of this on tape. Ya see, good ol’ Principal Wilson here let Jack Daniels go ‘round to a few classes and speak to ‘em. And Jack Daniels found this as a great opportunity to let some certain facts be known and educate ‘em on a few things. And Jack Daniels, found this as a good opportunity to spend some time thinkin’ ‘bout his upcomin’ match at Detonation this Sunday night.
(Daniels walks down the hall a little until he spots a certain locker. Daniels looks around and notices the coast is clear. Daniels easily opens the locker, reaches in and pulls out…a bottle of Old No.7! Look at the drunken bastard, he had a bottle of Old No.7 hidden in somebody’s locker. Daniels opens it up and takes himself a swig. Daniels walks down the hall until he hears something intriguing. Daniels stops outside the room and looks into the door. Daniels nods his head and smiles when this is heard coming from the kids…)
Class: "Bonjour, je m'appelle…"
(It sounds like they’re in French Class. Daniels grins and walks into the room. The teacher turns to see Daniels and speaks…)
Teacher: Can I help you?
Jack Daniels: Oh hey there. Yeah Principal Wilson assigned me as a guest speaker in your class.
Teacher: Oh really? Huh, that’s funny, George didn’t tell me anything about it.
Jack Daniels: Well, why don’t ya go down to his office and find out for sure.
Teacher: Yeah, that’s a good idea. Uh, watch the kids for a moment…I’ll be right back.
Jack Daniels: (Watching the teacher leave the room) No problem. (Turns to the kids and begins speaking…) Hey there kids. Now ya all know this drunken bastard, so we’ll just skip the intros here. Ya see, Principal Jackass told Jack Daniels to talk to ya guys ‘bout drugs and alcohol and crap and how it’s not good for ya. (Daniels pauses to take a swig from his bottle of Old No.7.) But Jack Daniels has got somethin’ else on his drunken mind here. Ya see, this drunken bastard was walkin’ by and overheard ya guy speakin’ French. That was what ya were speakin’ right?
(Most of the kids in the class nod their head "yes".)
Jack Daniels: Alright then, maybe ya bastards can help me. Ya see, as ya all know, I’m the NEWF Heavyweight Champ. And this week, Jack Daniels has got to defend his title ‘gainst two…not one…but two opponents. And one of those opponents is one of your own I guess. Canadian people speak French right?
(One girl in the class speaks up…)
Girl: (Speaking annoyingly fast.) Well actually in Canada they speak these different dialects of French that have originated…
Jack Daniels: Just say yes or no.
Girl: Yes.
Jack Daniels: Good then. Ya see, Jack Daniels knows how Spencer Barrington is from Canada, workin’ here without a green card. And Jack Daniels knows how he could hae a hard time understandin’ just what Jack Daniels says from time to time. Just like last time. Your Drunken Hero told him to stay on home and don’t bother comin’ to the arena cuz his ass would get whooped like never ‘fore. And that’s exactly what happened. So I’m leadin’ to believe that he’s havin’ problems understandin’. So Jack Daniels needs to maybe try and learn this language. So class, I need your help. I need to get a message across to Spencer, so ya gotta tell me how to say something in French. Ok, how ‘bout this, Spencer ya just absolutely suck. There’s no way of ya winnin’ this match.
(The class just sits and stares at Daniels as if he has three heads.)
Jack Daniels: Anyone? Anybody know how to say it? Ok, how ‘bout this, think ‘bout it and when ya figure it out, just tell Spencer yourselves. Alright, how ‘bout for now ya guys teach me what ya know. Teach Jack Daniels the basics so he can tell little Spencer that he should just stay home and outta the way this time.
(Just then, the teacher walks back in as she speaks…)
Teacher: Uh, Mr. Wilson said you should be in room 306, on the third floor.
Jack Daniels: Oh, I thought he said room number…umm… whatever this room’s number is.
(Daniels walks out of the room and back into the hall. He takes a swig from his bottle of Old No.7 and then begins speaking…)
Jack Daniels: Alright Spencer, try and keep up here. I know ya can’t comprehend this drunken tongue, but do your best jackass. Ya see Spencer, it ain’t as easy as ya might think. Ya might have yourself a handful of talent, ability and some technical rasslin’, but ya see, that’s only a fraction of what ya need to win my title. Ya see Spence, first off ya need somethin’ up in that empty head of yours. I mean, it’s only a given that Canadians have shit for brains. What else would explain why Spencer is conductin’ some retrarded trial that makes absolutely no sense. Ya know all of it is illegitimate to begin with, I mean they were swearing on TME. Now ya know something can’t be right if they’re swearin’ on that sorry bastard. But that’s ‘nother story for ‘nother time. Ya see Spencer, ya can’t expect for everyone ‘round here to take ya seriously. For one, you’re just a rookie that has been able to get by on your pure ability. But what ya don’t realize is that your pure ability just won’t cut it this Sunday night. Hell, it didn’t cut it the last two times this drunken bastard put your shoulders down on the mat for the one…two…three, now did it? So maybe if ya opened your beady little eyes, ya would realize that. Ya see, it takes a helluva lot more than just ability. It’s all ‘bout what ya got on the inside. Ya gotta have the heart…the determination…ya gotta have the fuckin’ balls to do whatever the fuck it takes to walk outta the arena sixteen pounds heavier. And thus far, ya haven’t shown any of that. That’s why Jack Daniels is standin’ atop the NEWF mountain right now, cuz he has all of those and then some. HE has worked his drunken ass off to get to where he is. Now Jack Daniels ain’t sayin’ that ya haven’t worked your Canadian ass off, but not nearly ‘nuff. Ya haven’t paid the dues that the likes of Jack Daniels or Grady Smith have paid throughout their careers. And this drunken bastard ain’t ‘bout to lose his pride and joy, the NEWF Heavyweight Title, to some rookie from Calgary…Alberta Canada. When ya stop and think ‘bout it, you’re a nobody…a nuttin…a FUCKIN PEON! Hell, Jack Daniels shits out bigger pieces of crap than ya. And for this drunken bastard to lose his strap to a piece of shit like yourself would be humiliatin’ to me and disgraceful to the NEWF as a whole. Don’t think this drunken bastard is gonna forget ‘bout your Canadian ass Spencer on Sunday night. Not by a longshot Spencer…not by a fuckin’ longshot.
(Daniels takes a swig from his bottle of Old No.7 as he continues walking throughout the halls of the school. Daniels stops by a classroom as he listens in. We can overhear the teacher speaking…)
Teacher: So class, who can tell me who was the 17th president and how he impacted the country?
Jack Daniels: Hmm…sounds like a history class. Maybe Jack Daniels should teach ‘em kids somethin’ ‘bout history.
(Daniels walks into the classroom. All the kids and the teacher look at Daniels as he just invites himself in.)
Teacher: Yes…can I help you?
Jack Daniels: Hey, my name is Jack Daniels. I’m givin’ the speech on drugs and all that to some of the classes. And yours was one of ‘em. So if ya want to go grab a cup of coffee or something, go right ‘head. I’ll be alright by myself.
Teacher: Oh…alrighty.
(The teacher leaves the room and Daniels turns towards the class and begins speaking…)
Jack Daniels: Now they told this drunken bastard to talk to ya ‘bout drugs and alcohol and all that. Drugs are bad, don’t do ‘em. Alcohol…(Daniels pauses then takes himself one long swig before continuing) Alcohol fuckin’ rules. There, no one can say I didn’t do what I was supposed to. But now, now this drunken bastard wants to give all of ya and one other person a history lesson. And that other person is someone ya might have heard of when ya visited the prehistoric museum last month…Grady Smith. Ya see, time and time ‘gain, this drunken bastard has pinned the bastard’s shoulders for the one…two…three. Now granted, Grady has gotten the better part of your drunken hero from time to time. But that’s beside the point. The bottom line here is that Grady Smith is one thing and one thing only. Yeah, he might be prehistoric as well…but Grady is my PERSONAL BITCH!
Student: Hey, you can’t say that word. It’s bad.
Jack Daniels: What word…Grady?
Student: No, that word that described Grady. That "b" word.
Jack Daniels: Borin’? (student shakes his head no) Bad? (student shakes his head no) Bisexual? (student shakes his head no) Bastard? (student shakes his head no) Bum? (student shakes his head no) Oh ya mean bitch… (finally the student shakes his head yes) Oh, well I’m sorry, but ya see little man, this drunken bastard has gotta tell it how it is. I mean Jack Daniels has beaten Grady Smith more times than he has handled a round of Jack Daniels, so in essence it’s true.
(Suddenly, the teacher walks back into the room…)
Teacher: You all done?
Jack Daniels: Uh yeah. So tell your wonderful teacher what ya have learned today…
Class: That Grady Smith is Jack Daniel’s personal bitch.
Teacher: Wha…wha…WHAT?!
(The teacher turns to Daniels, but how do ya like that…the drunken bastard has high tailed it outta there already. Daniels is already down the hall as the cameraman catches up with him…)
Jack Daniels: Alright Grady, ‘nuff of the age jokes. But ya gotta understand, they’re just too damn hard to avoid cuz it does seem as if ya have been ‘round since the beginning of time. But with age comes experience and knowledge. And we all know Grady has both of those put away for a special night…for a certain challenge. Well Grady, ya better whip those out…and everything else for that matter, cuz this ain’t gonna be an easy night’s work. Last time ya and this drunken bastard stepped in the ring, ya gave it everythin’ ya fuckin’ had in ya. And ya still couldn’t get the job done. Hell ya had my drunken shoulders down, but it was just a damn shame that ya were just a split second to late in pinnin’ ‘em. And ya call yourself championship material? Hell, ya have lost to someone fresh of the farm from Calgary…a rookie in Spencer on multiple occasions. And your record…5-4-2? That doesn’t really represent the record of a champion. What, just cuz ya run ‘round with Smirt’s little convict of a brother and a tag team that has been ‘round longer than Grady, if that is in fact possible, hangin’ off of your ass as if it were white chocolate…ya think ya deserve to be champion? Well ya see, it doesn’t work that way Grady. Ya have been dyin’ for this belt…day in and day out…night in and night out. Well here’s your opportunity Grady. Here’s your… "golden ticket". Ya see, Jack Daniels is aware of how he can get royally screwed here. Ya got Spencer in this match as well, so all ya gotta do is pin him twice, and ya could have the belt without even pinnin’ this drunken bastard. But don’t think that Jack Daniels will just sit back and let something like that happen. In fact, Jack Daniels is gonna make damn sure it doesn’t. C’mon Grady, ya wanna prove to the world that you’re all big and bad? Ya wanna prove that you’re the best? Well I’m gonna be in that squared circle on Sunday night. And all ya gotta do is pin ME…TWICE! Fuck Spencer, cuz we both know he ain’t worth shit. C’mon, do ya really wanna win the gold like that and be known as a paper champion? I didn’t think so Grady. But that might be your only option cuz The Drunk One ain’t lettin’ this gold go until the day he dies.
(Daniels takes another swig from his bottle of Old No.7 and then continues speaking…)
Ya see fellas, what ya don’t realize is that Jack Daniels is on a completely different level than the both of ya. And Jack Daniels is tryin’ to help ya both get to that level by teachin’ ya a few lessons here. Ya see, you’re both the clueless students and I’m the professor in this sport of rasslin’. Now don’t worry, my tutorin’ won’t cost ya a dime. However, one of course does…and that’s Ass Whoopen 101. And that’s exactly what this drunken bastard is gonna be teachin’ Sunday night at Detonation. And in both cases, it’s gonna cost ya your ass, and more likely, your careers.
Till then…MOTHERFUCKERS!
(Daniels walks out a back door of the schools as his work is done there. Scene fades to black…)