This drunken legend is just getting started
This drunken legend is just getting started
(The scene opens and we find ourselves at the Airport in Boston, site of this past week’s Countdown to Detonation where all hell broke loose. But that old news. Cuz in just days, Detonation is gonna set it all off. Title matches, Buried Alive Matches, Ultimate Grudge Casket matches…you name it…it doesn’t matter cuz none is as significant and as anticipated as the Main Event for the Heavyweight Title at Detonation. Spencer Barrington, Grady Smith, and the NEWF Heavyweight Champion, Jack Daniels, will all do battle over the most coveted prize in the industry. The cameraman approaches…the Duty Free Shop. He walks in and walks through the store. He’s on a mission for something or somebody. Wait a damn second. Who’s that up at the counter? It’s Jack Daniels. Let’s get in closer and see what the drunken bastard is up to now…)
Jack Daniels: What do ya mean I can’t?!
Employee: I mean you can’t. ou can only bring a certain amount of liquor with you on board.
Jack Daniels: And how many would that be?
Employee: Two.
Jack Daniels: TWO?!?! I don’t think so. That ain’t gonna cut it. Today is Friday and Detonation isn’t till Sunday night. Shit, I have two bottles for breakfast.
Employee: Then maybe you shouldn’t take this flight to New Hampshire. Maybe you should catch a ride to the nearest AA meeting or counsler or something. You’re only getting two bottles.
Jack Daniels: Oh yeah…that’s what ya think? (Daniels brings his carry on bag in front of him. He opens the zipper, reaches in and pulls out a piece of paper. He opens it up, smiles as he looks at it and then hands it to the cashier.) There…how do ya like that?
Employee: What’s this?
Jack Daniels: It’s a legal note for my medical condition. I require a certain number of prescriptions for two full days there. It’s there on the bottom pal, why don’t ya check it out for yourself.
Employee: (eyes popping out of his head he can’t believe what he’s seeing here) You got to be kidding me? How can you drink all that? You’re completely nuts.
Jack Daniels: Yes, this drunken bastard already knows that. Now give me my damn liquor.
(The cashier walks to the back as Daniels looks into the camera. I can’t believe Daniels has a note to get more liquor if he needs to.)
Jack Daniels: Those bastards have got to be kiddin’ me…only two bottles. C’mon, they outta know by know that Jack Daniels has to defend his title at Detonation this Sunday. I need more than 2 bottles. Otherwise how would Jack Daniels be the whole drunken show? He wouldn’t…
(The cashier comes walking back in the picture with a good sized case…)
Employee: Here, ya might as well take the whole case. What’s a few more?
Jack Daniels: Now that’s what Jack Daniels wants to hear. Have that sent to New Hampshire. And make sure it’s there by the time I arrive there. Oh wait hold up. (Daniels opens the case and pulls out a bottle and puts it in his carry on bag. He looks up at the cashier) Need one for the flight. Now have that box taped up ‘gain and shipped out and make sure it all comes in one piece.
(Daniels walk out of the shop and towards his gate as he begins speaking…)
Jack Daniels: Opportunity. That’s the word that buzzin’ ‘round here. The opportunity to shock the ‘rasslin world if Spencer won the Heavyweight Title. The opportunity for very established ‘rassler in Grady Smith, to add one more accolade to his list. The opportunity for a livin’ legend to stand his ground…keep his title…and bring that title to such unbelievable heights, that no one will ever be able to come even close to or match. And speakin’ of tryin’ to match and duplicate, Spencer and Grady…both of ya bastards tried to take a shot at this drunken bastard by beatin’ him at his own game. Ya both went out there and tried to duplicate what Jack Daniels does best…and that’s entertainin’ the crowd. But ya see, ya failed…and ya failed miserably. Spencer, ya bored us worse than that Oliver North trial. And Grady, hell, ya even mentioned yourself son…ya stunk up the damn place in classic fashion. Ya see fellas, there’s somethin’ ‘bout this drunken bastard that ya don’t seem to get. Everyone has tried it, but no one can come close. Which only leads your drunken hero to believe…Jack Daniels often imitated…but NEVER DUPLICATED!
(Daniels takes a seat as he waits for his flight to board. He reaches into his bag and pulls out that bottle of Old No.7. He opens it up and takes himself a swig. He wipes his mouth and continues speaking…)
Jack Daniels: Spencer…what the hell were ya thinkin’…to even puttin’ yourself in a match at the opportunity to fight Jack Daniels? Yeah, ya might have won somehow, but ya see Spencer, in reality, ya really lost. Cuz ultimately, ya will have to step in the way of a drunken bastard. A drunken bastard that has stomped all over your Canadian ass plenty of time ‘fore…and a drunken bastard that will do whatever it may fuckin’ take to keep kickin’ your stanky ass and retain my title. Now although ya might be used to it by now Spencer, it’s just ‘bout to get a helluva lot better. Better for this drunken bastard that is. Ya see, ya have just paid your "ticket" to receive one ass whoopen of monumental proportions. Cuz not only did ya put your Canadian crippled ass in this situation, but ya came out and gave the most pathetic excuse for an interview known to this rasslin’ world. And that’s the next to worst thing ya could do to Jack Daniels, next to fuckin’ with his liquor o’ course. And what does that do to Jack Daniels? Well Spencer, remember just how bad The Drunk One beat your sorry ass in and out of that ring on a couple of occasions? Good, now think ‘bout all that for a moment. (Pauses) Done? Good. Now get that image…that feelin’ in your mind and multiply that by 37, double that number and add 2…and that’s just how bad Jack Daniels plans on whoopin’ your rookie ass. And ya know, there’s only two things ya can do ‘bout it Spencer…
1) Nuttin’
2)Like It
Now Spencer, ya may be a part of this match. Ya may factor in this match. Ya may have some sorta impact on this match. But there’s one thing that ya won’t have and that’s my Heavyweight title. Ya see, Jack Daniels ain’t ‘bout to let all his god damn work go down the fuckin’ drain just cuz some jackass rookie gets lucky in one match and changes the course of a drunken champion to continue dominatin’. Not today Spencer…not ANY FUCKIN’ DAY! Hell son, if ya had any brains up in that empty Canadian head of yours, ya would realize that this Sunday night, in that Main Event…ya have no place in it. Ya would let your drunken champion and someone with a little better shot than ya but still far from me, go to work and show ya how it’s done Spencer. Ya may got some talent, and a pinch of ability. But ya ain’t got that instinct. Ya ain’t got the mentality ya need to be in such a position…such a match. TME has only lead your ass half way, as he obviously is concerned with himself just a little bit more than before. And now he has left ya hangin’. He left ya like raw meat to a pack of wolves. And Jack Daniels is gonna chew ya up and spit ya out so ya can see this drunken bastard goin’ on and retainin’ his sixteen pounds of gold. And then and only then will ya become just ‘nother Canadian failure.
(Daniels pauses to take a swig from his bottle of Old No.7 and then continues speaking…)
Jack Daniels: And then we got good ol’ Granny…err…Grady. Ya know, this drunken bastard must admit…he’s a bit surprised at ya Grady. Now Jack Daniels suspected to Spencer to go that route…but not ya Grady. He didn’t think ya would lowball me and try to beat Jack Daniels at his own game. But ya did…just like Spencer tried to. And the sad thing is Grady, the result is the same as Spencer’s…it absolutely blew the big one. This drunken bastard actually thought ya had a bit of decency in ya…maybe even a little bit of class. But I guessed wrong. Jack Daniels now realizes just how low ya will go Grady. To just what desperate measure ya will go to strip my drunken waist of the Heavyweight Title. Ya eat beatin’ me for the title…ya sleep beatin’ me for the title…ya fuckin’ breathe beatin’ this drunken bastard for the title. But ya know what Grady, just as much as ya want this title off of my waist…just as much as ya want that title ‘round your waist…Jack Daniels wants it just a little bit more. Ya see, for years, ya have been followin’ Jack Daniels ‘round, from promotion to tournament to promotion. And each and every time ya try and dethrone Jack Daniels or take him out of the picture. CWA…tryin’ to run Jack Daniels over in your 2000 Bonnesville. In the NYSWF, takin’ the title from ‘round my drunken waist to end my third reign. And then there was when ya realized ya had no choice but kiss my drunken ass. Like bein’ my tag team partner to eventually hittin’ gold. O’ course, Jack Daniels did pretty much all of the work in getting’ and holdin’ on to the gold, only like this drunken bastard knows.
And it ends this Sunday night at Detonation Grady. (Daniels is focused now and a lot more serious) There will be no more Grady Smith bein’ a pain in my drunken ass. There will be no more Grady Smith tryin’ to dethrone me or takin’ me away from my spotlight. And lastly, there will be no more Grady Smith bitchin’, whinin’ and cryin’ how he should have won that match or the other match. How he got screwed outta a half of fuckin’ second. Fact is Grady, no one could give two shits ‘bout it. All everyone wants from ya is to speak the damn truth and tell everyone just how ya could never beat the man…the myth…the legend…Jack Fuckin’ Daniels. No, not Grady Fuckin’ Smith…cuz Grady Smith has had one chances too damn many. And now, Jack Daniels is not only gonna take care of business, but he’s gonna get the job done. Your Drunken Hero is gonna make damn sure that ya never set foot in a Main Event ‘gain. Hell, Jack Daniels is gonna make damn sure ya don’t step in a ring within 3000 miles of me. And the fact of the matter is that I can do that. And I will Grady. Finally, I will show the entire rasslin’ world, and even the biggest doubter of ‘em all…Grady Smith…that your time is over and it’s time for ya to step aside and let the young bucs and the legends put on the shows.
(Suddenly, a voice is heard over the airport’s PA system.)
Voice: Flight 412 to New Hampshire is now boarding in Gate 17. Take off will be in approximately 30 minutes.
(Daniels gets up and begins to make his way towards that gate…as he continues speaking…)
Jack Daniels: Ya see, both men tried to be as charismatic, as entertainin’, as humorous as Jack Daniels. But they both just couldn’t quite do it as damn good as only Jack Daniels can. Ya know…I know it…and all the drunkaholics know it. Ya bastards tryin’ to beat The Drunk One at his own game. Uh-uh, it ain’t gonna work tonight or any night for that matter. And by the time this is all said and done, ya motherfuckers will have become JUST ‘NOTHER MARK!
Sunday night…Detonation. Opportunity…it’s an opportunity, a great one at that, for that beady eyed Canadian Spencer, and that has been Grady to realize that what they’re fuckin’ with ain’t no joke. That what they’re fuckin’ with will whoop ass. That what they’re fuckin’ with is the REAL FUCKIN’ DEAL! Jack Daniels ain’t no joke of a champion. He’s been provin’ that for the last two months. And whether ya bastards like it or not, he’s gonna continue to do so. Neither of ya bastards will prove me wrong. Neither of ya will ever be the same after this. Neither of ya will…(pause) touch my belt. So get a good look now fellas. (Daniels whips the title outta his carry on bag and drapes it over his shoulder.) Cuz this is the closest either one of ya will ever come within this Heavyweight Title.
(Daniels walks into the gate and up to the airline employees to present his boarding pass as the cameraman follows. The lady hands it back tot Daniels and lets him by. Daniels takes a few steps before getting onto the long plank that leads into the plane. Daniels stops and looks back into the camera…)
Till Detonation…MOTHERFUCKERS!
(Scene fades…)