(The scene opens and we find ourselves on the third floor of a hospital wing. The cameraman makes his way down the wing until he reaches a door. The door is cracked open. The camera forces his way into the room, only to find an empty bed with the signs that someone had been using. A small table and two chairs are seen flipped over on the side of the bed. The camera goes in for a closer look, and spots a clippboard hanging on the side of the bed. And the name on it sticks out...Jack Daniels. Daniels was here. But why? Why was Daniels in a hospital bed? For those who may be a bit lost, why don't we quickly refresh our memories of just how Daniels ended up in a hospital bed just a few days ago. The camera spots the television hanging over the bed. And how convienent, it was left on and on ESPN...the only damn channel that would broadcast absolute shit like this: )
Chris Berman: As reported earlier, history has gone down once again in the wrestling industry. But it has been overshadowed by disgust and controversy. Kanyon might have well won the UEFA Cup Championship from Jack Daniels, but that didn't make an ounce of a difference when compared to what went down just moments following the match.
Stuart Scott: Just moments after screwing Daniels out of the Cup Championship, Dark Force Rising went crazy on his drunken ass. But when all was said and done, it was the good Old No.7 that put that fire out. Literally, Grady, Venom, Haywood and Willmott drenched Daniels with his very own liquor. I'm surprised riots didn't break out at the site of this.
Berman: Me as well. Folks, the footage is too graphic to be shown on cable television. However, those who wish to witness this disgusting display, it can be viewed on some other network with no moral values. ( Click Here To View)
(Scene fades in and we find ourselves inside a bary located nearby the hospital. The bar is somewhat dim, and empty. But one man stand out from the few rest, and he's sitting all the way down at the end of the bar. A zoom in by the camera confirms that it's none other than Jack Daniels. Daniels just sits there, looking down at the counter as he begins to speak...)
Jack Daniels: Ya know, very few times in his life has Jack Daniels been this badly beaten. Very few times has Jack Daniels been this pissed off. And very few times has Jack Daniels sat down and shot from the hip 'bout how it was..is..and always will be. But ya know what, today is one of the very few times. And what ya see here today, will be something ya'll never fuckin' forget. So as the good ol' Jack Daniels used to say...for all ya marks, pop in a tape to the vcr and hit that record button cuz history is gonna go down. But it won't be the kind of history that ya look back on and makes ya feel good. It'll be the type that makes ya sick to your fuckin' stomach, which oddly makes ya wanna see it 'gain and 'gain and fuckin' 'gain.
(Suddenly, the bartender walks over nad places a bottle of Old No.7 in front of Daniels. Daniels looks at it as he continues speaking...)
Jack Daniels:Ya see, the actions that went down this past week in the UEFA have had a tremendous impact on me in a couple of aspects. One of 'em obviosuly physically as I was found in a hospital wearing a ridiculous looking hospital gown. But that impact doesn't compare to the mental and emotional impact from these actions. Some may think that it puts Jack Daniels in the frame of mind of retirin' or some bullshit like that. No it didn't, but what state of mind it put me in is exactly the state of mind in which DFR does not want to see Jack Daniels in. After smellin' those liquor fumes from the bottles of Old No.7 that rained on me, the feelin' came back. Jack Daniels ol' state of mind came back. That temptaion just came back. (Daniels grabs the bottle and takes a long swig and then speaks) The good ol' Jack Daniels is back. The Jack Daniels that's whoops asses and takes names later. The Jack Daniels that has a fire lit under his ass 24-7. And five sorry ass motherfuckers have lit that fire under my ass once 'gain. And this Monday night, they will have the ever so pleasant opportunity of puttin' it out. So let's take a look at who these brave firefighters will be.
Ray "Hand me my tea and crumpets" Willmott. Ray, ya need two things and Jack Daniels will give only one of 'em cuz the first ya need to do by your lonesome self. Ya need to SHUT THE FUCK UP so Jack Daniels can give ya a much needed REALITY CHECK! Lately, ya have been runnin' 'round yappin' your mouth to all your brit friends and their mommas how ya beat Jack Daniels. (imitating Willmott) "I beat Jack Daniels, I beat Jack Daniels...I pinned the many, the myth, the legend himself Jack Daniels..."(end of imitation) WRONG BITCH! Ya see, ya and Rhino didn't fucking touch Jack Daniels. Rhino beat that Canadian piece of shit TME, an no one else. Hell, if your crumpet munchin' mind remembers, the second Jack Daniels stepped in between those ropes and started to beat the livin' shit outta ya, ya ran to your corner to tag in Rhino...how fuckin' convienent Way-Way. Fact is ya could never beat Jack Daniels no matter how hard ya fuckin' try kissin' my drunken ass tellin' me just how much of a mark ya are for me. That's all ya'll ever be Willmott, a fuckin' mark. Look at yourself, ya blew your load at the very idea of simply steppin' in the ring with Jack Daniels. But stop and think for a second Willmott. Yeah, I know it's hard, just put down that cup of tea and throw away the crumpets for a moment and use that thing that's two feet above your ass...your head. Ever since the Dirty Fuckin' Retards decided to allow ya to be a part of 'em, your head and ego grew 'bout ten more feet wide. But stop and think 'bout it for a second Ray. Why do ya think they REALLY want ya in their faction Willmott? Do ya really want me to answer it for ya? No ya don't, but seein' as your one stupid motherfucker, I have no other choice. They let ya in to simply play the role of the BITCH! Think 'bout it Willmott. They needed someone to do the dirty work...that's ya. They needed somebody to use as a shield to punishment, and you're that shield Willmott. Just like that time Venom pulled ya in front of him so that ya would get clobbered by Draven, not him. You're the comic relief of DFR cuz every now and then, a good laugh is needed. And all they have to do is listen to ya make a pathetc attempt at cuttin' a promo or watch ya drink your tea. Bottoml line Way-Way is that your DFR's little bitch boy. When the toilets at DFR headquarters need cleanin', it's good ol' Ray they will call to do the cleanin'. You're DFR's weakest link, and ya will be exposed for that. Bring all the sledgehammers ya want big man. But the simple fact of ya bein' DFR's little bitch boy and that you're a fuckin' pussy will never change. The truth hurts...don't it BITCH?!
(Daniels takes a swig from hia bottle of Old No.7 and then continues to speak...)
Jack Daniels: And then ya got good ol' Granny "Asslickin'" Smith. Why asslickin'? Think 'bout it Grady. What have ya accomplished in your pathetic career? A few titles here and there and some other meaningless accolades that no one on this green earth could give two drops of monkey piss 'bout. Fact of the matter is, your whole damn rasslin' career, ya have depended on others to take ya places ya could never make it on your own. First ya had Hailey's younger brother SmirtDogg. Your mustache was completely composed of Smirt's ass hairs. Ya clinged to his ass like it was gold, cuz eventually, that's where it would get ya. Time and time 'gain, whether it be part of the Ghetto Warriors or the No Limit Soldiers or whatever pathetic ghetto name ya motherfuckers came up with to relate to your kind. Ya used him like a shield and bought your way to the top at the same time. And now, now ya got good ol' Hailey to bring ya yet to 'nother level. Ya see a pattern here? I thought ya would. But that's all your worthless, pathetic career is all 'bout. Each and every week when ya put your ugly mug in front of a camera, you're in Asslickingville in upstate New York, covered in snow with a total population of three. Ya...the cameraman and good ol' Chris Furman givin' ya head in between camera shots. Hey Grady, I heard your good ol' dear friend Collins lives somewhere up there. Maybe next time ya decide to invite the cameraman, ya can invite himover to give ya head, something different for a change. Oh wait, nevermind, ya already had that. Ya see, it's the same ol' song and dance for ya Granny. Ya wait too the last possible minute to let your words be heard cuz fact is, ya can't come up with anythin' remotely close to original. Ya feed off of everyone else's smack and then twist it and turn it in ways to make the other peson look bad. Well here ya go Grady...a whole shitload of smack just waitin' for ya. Have a ball, but don't strain your brain tryin' to twist this all 'round and make Jack Daniels look like the fool, cuz that just ain't gonna happen in this fuckin' lifetime.
Oh my god, let's not forget 'bout Mr. Extreme Bitch himself, Venom. Ah Venom, you're too easy...just too fuckin' easy. Get as many people as ya can to hate ya. Make as many enemies as ya can by burnin' bridges, stabbin' people and friends in the back, turnin' on your own kind. Yeah, everyone will then hate ya with a fuckin' passion. Job well done, right? Seemingly....seemingly it is to ya and every other moron out there who doesn't know their ass from a hole in the ground. But ya see, ya get in too over your over inflated head. Ya have 'bout half of the NEWF roster huntin' after your ass. And naively, ya think they will never get to ya. Well, what happens when they do Venom? What happens when like seven different people or factions attack ya at different points in the same night? Oh yeah, ya should know 'bout that. And hell, Jack Daniels knows 'bout that too. Cuz it was the FTW of ol' tha that played this role like it should be played to the fuckin' tee. It was the both of us that kept the original FTW tight and on top for as long as we were. And we would have the second time 'round, until ya stabbed me in the back and decided to go with the ever so controversial Blank Panthers thing. Ya can call it a racial issue or whatever the fuck ya want. But I call it time for fuckin' payback bitch. And this time Jack Daniels will get his payback cuz unlike every other time and fed ya have been in, ya ain't gonna skip out and leave just when you're 'bout to get yours. Ya ain't gonna start a war behind the scenes 'bout some political bullshit and force the NEWF to close it's doors cuz of talent relations and moral. Uh-uh bitch. This time 'round, it's Jack Daniels and Armageddon that's gonna be puttin' the knuckles to your ham 'n eggin' ass. Now try and swerve your way out this one motherfucker.
(Daniels pauses for a moment to take a swig from that bottle of Old No.7. Damn, Daniels is hot and on a roll. I can't remember the last time we have seen him this worked up and shooting down guys left and right. Daniels wipes his mouth and continues speaking...)
Jack Daniels: And then there was one...Marcus "Ya have the right to remain silent" Hailey. Ya see, that's just the problem. ya have the right to remain silent and benefit the entire world if ya do. But just like your younger brother Kelvin, ya like to come out and define just what diarrhea of the mouth really means. And ya know, that makes me think. Since it does run in the family and in your blood obviously, that must mean that other things run in your blood as well. Other things in life must be very similiar to that of your younger brother. And one in particular sticks out in this drunken mind. The fact how Smirt was handed title after title after fuckin' title. Each and every fed head kissed his black ass like it was milk chocolate. They gave him whatever the fuck he demanded for. But in the end, was it all worth it? Was it worth it afterwards when he raised hell behind the scenes and hightailed it on over to the coastline? Will it be worth it for ya Best? Will lettin' Hailey and his pack of fuckin' asslickin' idiots run wild and hand 'em the gold when it's all said and done be worth it? Nah, I didn't think so. Fact is, Hailey is worth JACK SHIT! Since day one Hailey, ya thought ya fuckin' owned the place. Ya walked in and started raisin' hell like ya actaully earned an ounce of respect from anyone. Well, ya may have earned some respect from four other assholes that lick your filthy ass on a constant basis. But that doesn't make an ounce of a fuckin' difference. Cuz ya have yet to earn the respect of one man...one very important man...and that man is Jack Daniels. Now, you're probably thinkin' big fuckin' deal. Well it is Hailey. Cuz until ya earn my respect, that ya will be a hunted man. Ya will be beaten and beaten and beaten each and every fuckin' day for borin' me to death with your War and Peace promos and your complete incoherent, senseless, ebonic ways of speakin' that make a toothless, drunken bum pushin' a shoppin' cart full of garbage and soda cans sound intelligent.
Ya know, all your bullshit makes me fuckin' sick to my stomach, and no it ain't the Ol' No.7 doin' that. Ya know Hailey, why don't ya just go 'head nad plan out 'nother five on one attack on Jack Daniels. Let me consult my appointment book and see what bookin' spots I have open. (Daniels pulls out a small black book from his back pocket and looks at it for a moment) I seem to have an openin' right after our main event match at Shockwave if that's good with ya Hailey. Ya now, after witnessin' what went down in the UEFA on Sportscenter, it made me turn in disgust. A five on one attack, very manly of ya bastards. Just goes to prove that not one of ya motherfuckers have the hair on your balls, let alone the balls, to take on Jack Daniels. Nah, instead it's gotta be five of ya. Just goes to show how fuckin' cowardly ya assholes really are. Well, congradu-fuckin'-lations DFR cuz ya have outdone yourselves this time. Go 'head fellas, gloat 'bout it all ya fuckin' want cuz that's what ya bastards do best. Cuz ya see, Armageddon doesn't need to conduct a five man gangbang ass rapin' to prove a point. Nah, we retaliate where it counts most assholes. We retaliate in that ring cuz that's what people see and remember when it's all said and done...what happened in the ring and not in the back or in the parkin' lot or what have ya. (Daniels takes another swig and then speaks again) The Jack Daniels of ol' is back to his ol' ass whoopen ways. And when it's all said and done DFR, no ya won't realize that Jack Daniels ain't to be fucked with...ya won't regret ever fuckin' with Jack Daniels, cuz ya motherfuckers already know that. But when we outgun ya once 'gain and make your little antics look like recess during kindergarten class, ya will realize that your armageddon is closer than ya fuckin' thought.
Till then...MOTHERFUCKERS!
(Daniels spits right on the camera lens he's so disgusted and pissed at the recent events that occurred, as the scene fades to saliva dripping down the screen...)