(The scene opens and we find ourselves somewhere we haven't been at in a while..Lynchburg, Tennessee. And we all know there's only one drunken legend that lives in Tennessee. And it seems as if we're about to pay the drunken bastard a visit cuz we find ourselves right outside his luxurious home. It's a bright sunny day outside as the camera works it's way around the back of Daniel's home. The cameraman finally makes his way around to the back where we find none other than Jack Daniels. Daniels is relaxing in the whirlpool section of his rather large swimming pool. But he's not alone. Oh my god...look at who's with him. It's...it's Electra. Where has she been? Hell, who cares, as long as she around doing her thing. Anyhow, Daniels is sitting back along side Electra, with his bottle of Old No.7 resting behind Daniels. Daniels reaches back, takes himself a swig from his bottle of liquor and begins speaking...)
Jack Daniels: Hey Electra, ya might wanna go inside for a bit cuz this drunken bastard has some business to take care of here.
Electra: Sure thing. I can understand that you and the cameraman wanna be left alone.
(Electra snickers a bit as she gives Daniels a kiss on the cheek. She stands up in her purple bikini that looks like it's made up of two pieces of thread, and walks inside the house. Daniels takes another swig from his bottle of Old No.7 as he looks into the camera and speaks...)
Jack Daniels: Ya see, to everyone here it's all fun and games. It's all one big fuckin' joke. They all look at Jack Daniels and think the same damn thing. They think Jack Daniels is just a drunk and a joke. Hell, this drunken bastard likes to have himself a good time every now and then. Shit, Jack Daniel's unusual style to break down his opposition even got him the World Title for over two months. But ever since then, all they have done is pointed and laughed. But little do they know that it's gonna be this drunken bastard laughing at the very end. Ya see, week in and week out Jack Daniels has to deal with these asshole that think that Jack Daniels is nuttin' but a fuckin' joke. Take Marcus for example. This sorry motherfucker has triggered this drunken bastard's nerves these last few weeks. But ya see, it ain't Marcus in Jack Daniel's way this week. Oh no... instead the higher ups decided it would be a good idea to put this drunken bastard in a ring with that rasslin' fossil Erik Draven. Yeah ya heard me right Draven...this drunken bastard called ya a fossil. So what'cha gonna do 'bout it little Erik? Ya gonna put your wheelchair in third gear and try and run this drunken bastard down? Or are ya gonna limp on over and start beatin' me with your wooden cane? (Daniels laughs a bit) Hell, i better shut my drunken mouth 'fore Drave takes out his dentures and heaves 'em this way.
I hope ya enjoyed that there Draven. Cuz that's 'bout the only thing that's gonna be enjoyable for ya in this interview and durin' our match. Ya see, Jack Daniels ain't just makin' cracks 'bout ya cuz he's got nuttin' better to do. Oh no, believe me, this drunken bastard could be havin' a high impact workout with Electra inside. Ya see Drave, Jack Daniels is simply tellin' ya just how it is. Yeah that's right...something ya like to call the truth. And it hurts sometimes when ya hear Draven. It really hurts. You're talkin' to someone who knows that first hand. And now...now it's time for someone else to know that first hand. And just who's that gonna be? Well, if ya guessed Erik Draven, then you're right. Johnny...tell 'em what he's won. (imitating a gameshow announcer) Well Erik, ya have won one ass whoopen courtesy of your's and everyone's drunken hero...Jack Daniels (Daniels pauses for a moment as he takes a swig from his bottle of Old No.7 and then continues speaking...)
Jack Daniels: Ya know Erik, Jack Daniels could have come out here and humiliated ya in many different ways. Just like he has all his other previous opponents. But the truth here is that you're simply not worth it Erik. Yeah, ya heard me right. You're just not worth Jack Daniel's time. Maybe at some point in your less that thrillin' career ya might have been. But not now...not in your current state. Ya see, once upon a time, there was a name in this industry that everyone feared. And that name was Erik Draven. A seven foot monster that would absolutely tear through his opposition and in the process, racked up a helluva lot of gold. But ya see, the key word there is...once upon a time. Ya see the fact of the matter is that you're a has been. Yeah, ya had your run, and hell, a good one at that. But it's over. It was over a long ass time ago. Ya had your time in the spotlight back when this industry was filled with the Joe Lemons and the Serpent Men that didn't know the difference between a wristlock and a wristwatch. Ya never had a drunken bastard like myself to deal with. But guess what Drave, ya do now. And there ain't a damn thing ya can do 'bout it except shit in your pants and take the ass whoopen that has your name written all over it. You're scared of this drunken bastard...I know ya are Draven. It's ok, ya can admit to it. Shit, how the hell are ya gonna admit to it Draven when ya can even bring yourself to vut a promo regardin' our match? Huh Draven? Is that how ya wanna go out? Is that how ya want the fans and everyone in this business to remember ya...as a pussy? As a piece of ol' chicken shit that didn't have the peach fuzz on his balls to step in front of a camera and talk shit 'bout this drunken bastard? Hell, that's a first cuz believe it or not Erik, a helluva lot of people love to talk shit 'bout Jack Daniels. Except for ya. And why? Why ya may wonder? Cuz we all know for a damn fact that whatever ya say...whatever bullshit comes outta your mouth Draven, there's no way in hell that ya'll be able to back it up.
Ya know Drave, after all of that is now said and thought 'bout, Jack Daniels feels a little differently 'bout our match here. Believe it or not Erik, this drunken bastard is somewhat glad that Best signed this match. Why? Jack Daniels is gonna use this match to give ya somethin' ya really...really need Drave. No, not an ass whoopen, although ya do need that. But a reality check. Cuz if ya think that ya can step in that squared circle and teach Jack Daniels a thing or two 'bout rasslin', well then ya got 'nother thing comin'. Ya see Draven, in a way a match with your sorry ass is a waste of time, yet it's worthwhile. While Jack Daniels can whoop your ass from pillar to fuckin' post and make ya realize that you're absolutely shit and should have hung up the boots when ya first thought of it. But then 'gain, whoopin' your pathetic ass would prove what Erik? What the fuck would it prove? That this drunken bastard has still got blood flowin' through his veins? That Jack Daniel's heart is still pumpin'? Actually, what it proves is ABSOLUTELY-FUCKIN'-NUTTIN'!
(Daniels reaches behind him and picks up his bottle of Old No.7. He takes a swig from the bottle. He then holds the bottle in front of him as he looks at it for a moment and then continues speaking...)
Jack Daniels: Ya know, there's seems to be quite a few people that think Jack Daniel's career...Jack Daniel's life depends on this here bottle of Ol' No.7. But the fact of the matter is that it doesn't. And Erik, you're gonna be the first to realize that. You're gonna be the first in a long line of people to find out there's more than meets the eye. That there's more to Jack Daniels than just drinkin' liquor and whoopin' ass. A helluva lot more. And come Monday night...this drunken juggernaut is gonna fuckin' explode right in your has been ass.
Till then...BITCH!
(Daniels takes another swig from his bottle of Old No.7 as the scene fades to black...)