(The scene opens and we find ourselves standing right outside an arena...The Hartford Civic Center to be more exact. What could we be doing here? We all know that The Final Countdown is being held in Foxboro Stadium. Oh well, why don't we find out. The scene cuts to the inside of the arenaand look, there's Jack Daniels. Maybe Daniels can shed some light as to why we're here at the Civic Center. Daniels is sitting in the 200s section of the arena as he sits back and begins speaking...)
Jack Daniels: The Hartford Civic Center. Does this bring back any memories? No? Well that's quite surprising cuz ya see, it does for Jack Daniels. No, this ain't where Jack Daniels won his first NEWF Heayweight Title or his first NEWF match. In fact, this little memory has nuttin' to do with Jack Daniels, well not the focal point at least. Ya see, this is the very same arena in which DFR cemented its foundation here in the NEWF. What was a very anticipated night, turned out to be the worst night in NEWF history. After successfully defendin' the title here 'gainst Granny Smith, the whole world includin' Jack Daniels was eager to see Grady's wife be killed by this mysterious kidnapper who demanded Grady win the title. But only such a ridiculous, pathetic attempt to gain attention and be the focal point could be put together by such assholes as Grady and Hailey. And after all the drama that wasn't even good 'nuff for your mama, ya bastards decided to get one over on good ol' Jack Daniels. That was day one motherfuckers. From that second...it was on motherfuckers. Ya know, I bet both of ya were hopin' that Jack Daniels would have forgotten somethin' like that seein' as he's always so drunk. Well I'm not...and I haven't forgotten bitches. Ya see, that was the line ya bastards crossed the line. But ya see, payback wasn't handed out in it's entirity. Yeah, Armageddon has gotten quite a few over on ya sorry suns a bitches, but ya see, that just quite ain't 'nuff for Jack Daniels. Oh no...not by a fuckin' longshot. Jack Daniels wants to hit ya motherfuckers where it hurts most...no not in the family jewels cuz as we all have witnessed by your cowardly acts, ya bastards ain't got any. What I'm talkin' 'bout is showin' both ya bastards up on the biggest night in NEWF history, in front of the biggest live crowd the NEWF has seen, and in front of the largest television viewin' audience. Ya see, Jack Daniels knows just how damn much DFR loves the spotlight. Well congradu-fuckin'-lations fellas, cuz both of ya managed to sneak your way into MY spotlight. Yeah, it's my spotlight bitches, and ya motherfuckers might be in it for 'bout a half an hour on Sunday night cuz what it all comes down to is that I have no other choice. Yeah, I bet both of ya are lovin' it now, huh? Well don't get too attached to the idea cuz it's al the spotlight ya'll be seein' for a long...loooong time. Cuz ya see, Jack Daniels HAS the choice to beat the ever livin' shit outta the both of ya. Jack Daniels HAS the choice to hand ya both an ass whoopen of a fuckin' lifetime. JacK Daniels HAS the choice to end both of your careers. Jack Daniels HAS the choice...to do whatever the fuck he wants.
But ya know, I won't end both of your careers. And not cuz I can't cuz I sure as hell can 'fore ya can blink your eyes, but cuz that's my choice. Ya see, Jack Daniels is gonna take the both of ya, and beat ya and beat ya and fuckin' beat ya within an half inch of your fuckin' pathetic lives. And just as you're both 'bout to go, Jack Daniels is gonna let up and leave ya barely breathin'. Killin' ya would be too damn easy and compared to what I would have alrady done to ya, it would be a gift to kill ya. That's why Jack Daniels is gonna leave the both of ya breathin' outta half your nostril, so he can make both ya motherfuckers suffer for the rest of your pathetic, worthless lives. I'm gonna leave both of ya bastards scarred physically, mentally and emotionally. Each and every day of your lives, ya'll be feelin' the effects of this one. Each and every day of your lives, both of ya will look in the mirror and see the physical scars left on your bodies and be forced to remember the night that your asses were handed to ya by none other than Jack Daniels. And just like Jack Daniels is sittin' here in the Hartford Civic Center today, claimin' this the site to host to the worst night in NEWF history when DFR laid its foundation, both Grady and Hailey one day will be found doin' exactly the same in Foxboro Stadium, proclaimin' it to be the worst day of their lives. And at that exact moment, will ya bastards think back and regret the day that ya ever fucked with Jack Daniels.
(Suddenly the scene fades to black for momentarily, beforing fading back in. But this time, we're not in the Hartford Civic Center. This time, we're standing right outside an...Army base? What the...oh wait a second, I think I know what's going on. And that man should to...Jack Daniels. )
Jack Daniels: And ya thought I would forget 'bout ya, didn't ya Bazooka? Well, not tonight...you're not that lucky bitch. And ya won't be lucky Sunday night either Bazooka. And let me tell ya just why. No it ain't cuz ya absolutely suck, although ya do. There's a more logical explanation for this other than that BJ. Now correct Jack Daniels if he's wrong, but for years ya served your country in the army, in the military...whatever, it doesn't even matter. But ya see, the fact remains that ya served your country. Ya acted like the little bitch that ya are and ya did your time and served the country and the people of this country. Well, it's good to see that you're used to servin' when you're demanded to do so. Hell, not only did we see it when ya were servin' the country, but wee all saw it when ya were servin' Armageddon as the bitch. Ya that's right Bazooka, ya heard it here first. Ya see, me and Mikey were the ones runnin' things and Evan, well let's just say he's head was up in the clouds. but as for ya...think 'bout it Bazooka. Why do ya think ya were always the one doin' the dirty work? Why do ya think ya were always the one to take the hit? Why do ya fuckin' think it was ya that the filthy, two bit whore Cassandra decided to violate? And why do ya think that it will be ya to step into that ring Sunday night and do your job, and that's to serve your leader...your master...Jack Daniels. Ya see Bazooka, if it weren't for Mikey and myself, ya wouldn't even find yourself here today. We have saved your ass time and time 'gain, and quite frankly, it got old and tirin'. But let me assure ya of somethin' Bazooka. Come Sunday night, when the first fall is goin' down and we're all fightin' for your worthless title, don't expect Jack Daniels to come runnin' over and lend ya a helpin' hand like ol' times. If your ass gets beat by Grady or Hailey or even myself... nah I couldn't beat ya. I'd be fuckin' ashamed to wear such a worthless title as the NEw England title. But nevertheless, if you're Nazi ass is gettin' beat by Grady and Hailey, don't expect for Jack Daniels to drop everythin' and come save your ass for the 32nd time.
Ya see Bazooka, just like the Army made ya all that ya can be...Jack Daniels made ya all that ya are. Think 'bout it Bazooka. Ya were a nobody when ya walked in here. Ya took on Jack Daniels for the first time and your name was immeadiatley recognized throughout the region. Ya took on Jack Daniels for the second time for the World Title, and your name was immediately recognized across the country. Suddenly, ya had little army men followin' ya 'round just like the millions of drunkaholics would follow their hero 'round. Then, ya become the bitch of Armageddon and what do ya know, your name is instantly recognized worldwide. What a coincidence, right? WRONG bitch! What a Jack Daniels is more like it. I brought your maggot screamin' ass to where it is today. And although it's still way down there on the ladder, hell, it's a huge improvement from bein' buried six feet under the ground. What I'm sayin' bitch is, it's time to pay your dues Bazooka. Ya may not think so but quite frankly, it doesn't matter what ya think Bazooka...it's what I say that matters. Jack Daniels ain't askin' ya to lie down or sit back and take it easy...oh no. Jack Daniels is TELLIN' ya that IF ya don't sit back and do somthing stupid, then ya will get knocked the fuck out by yours truly. Remember bitch...I made ya and I can break ya. So think 'fore ya speak...think 'fore ya act. Don't say or do anythin' your gonna regret bitch.
(The scene fades again momentarily before fading back in and this time, we find ourselves at Foxboro Stadium now. Daniels is down by where ringside would be. The NEWF World Title is hanging over his shoulder as he looks at it and then looks back at the camera and speaks...)
Jack Daniels: This is all for the biggest prize...the NEWF World Title...MY NEWF World Title. And when ya think 'bout it, it's ironic how all four contestants in this match have been champ at one point or 'nother, except for Bazooka of course. Ya had your shot BJ, but ya just couldn't handle a round of Jack Daniels. But Grady and Hailey, they have had this gold in their possession once. And how do ya like that... Jack Daniels has had it, twice. What does that tell ya fellas? Yeah, that I'm just that much better than ya. Ya see Grady, I got every right to brag 'bout how I'm on the top of the ladder cuz I got the gold to prove it. Ya however, ain't got jack shit. Ya see Grady, ya take things the wrong way. When Jack Daniels tell ya your old and beyond your time, he doesn't mean physically, although ya could use some Ben Gay for those minor aches and pains due to arthritis. What Jack Daniels is talkin' 'bout is mentally...you're old mentally. Ya see, each and every time, it's the same song and dance for ya. Ya get over your head tryin' to become a poet or philosopher statin' all this crap that doesn't apply to the situation what so ever. You're in way over your head this time 'round Grady. Besides Grady, ya have other distractions that ya should be concerned 'bout. Just in case ya forgot, your good ol' butt buddy Marcus is in this match as well. Now what do ya do Grady? Do ya bend over and let him fuck ya in the ass like he has time and time 'gain, in and outta the ring? Or do ya for once grow some peach fuzz on your balls and stand up to the sorry motherfucker that's always askin' ya "Who's your daddy?" What do ya do Grady...what do ya do?
Ya know Hailey, it never ceases to amaze Jack Daniels that just as much shit comes outta your mouth than the amount that goes into the toilets at Penn Station. Hailey, quite frankly I don't know where ya get the nerve or the balls to even open your mouth and direct any comments what-so-fuckin'-ever at Jack Daniels. Ya talk and talk 'bout me as if ya have known me for an eternity. Now unless ya were watchin' Jack Daniels whoopin' ass all his career on the tube while ya were in the slammer, then that's understandable. But from what I understand, your time was occupied in other ways from guys named Bubba. But that's 'nother story for 'nother time...better yet, 'nother story for never. Ya want this gold back so bad it hurts, doesn't it Hailey? Well tell me this, how do ya plan on gettin' this gold back Hailey? Cuz ya see, just like I told ya last week, there's only one way. It ain't by beatin' me aor pinnin' me or anything like that. Ya see, that's just too fuckin' easy. Ya can break my legs and my arms, hell ya can break every single solitary limb on my fuckin' body, but ya still won't beat me for this title. Ya wanna beat me Hailey? Then ya have to FUCKIN' KILL ME! And we all know ya failed at that too when ya tried to kill your younger brother but only managed to paralyze him. Damn, ain't there anythin' ya can do right Hailey? Obviously not. Ya see Hailey, ya can talk yourself up all the smack ya want...smack yourself silly jackass. Ya can do whatever ya want, but ya see, it just doesn't make a fraction of a difference what ya do or what ya say. Cuz ya see, in the end, there's only gonna be ONE TURE winner. There's only gonna be one bastard with his hand raised in the air just like this (Daniels raises his hand in the air with the title then puts it down). And ya can rest assure that it won't be ya...but it'll be this drunken bastard.
And that goes for the rest of ya as well. Ya can kiss my ass all ya want Grady. Bazooka, ya can bring all the grenades and all the metal gloves that ya want, but it just won't make a fuckin' difference in the world. Four men walk in...two walk out with gold...but one walks out with THEE gold. And it's the man that's held it longer than everyone else has combined...Jack Fuckin' Daniels. Fuck with him and ya'll get knocked out on your ass. Wake up the next mornin' with a fuckin' hangover and ya'll regret the day ya ever fucked with him. Tick tock...tick tock...tick tock goes the clock...on your chances...on your opportunities...and more importanlty...on your fuckin' careers.
TILL THEN...MOTHERFUCKERS!
(And with that, the scene fades to a close up of the NEWF Wolrd Heavyweight Title. Something everyone wants, but no one else can have...)