Merry Xmas Grady
Merry Xmas Grady
(The scene opens and we find ourselves inside the home of none other than the NEWF Heavyweight Champion, Jack Daniels. The interior of the house is all decked out for the holidays. The camera comes across the christmas tree, and even more noticeably then all the gifts under the tree is the ornament atop the tree. No, it’s not your traditional star or figurine that most normal people put atop the tree. Instead, there is an ornament of a bottle of Old No.7 that is lit up on the top of the tree. Typical Daniels fashion. Anyway, as the camera pans out a bit, we can see Daniels sitting in the room in a recliner. A bottle of Old No.7 by his side as the window behind him tells us that it’s snowing outside. Right by the window, the fireplace is going strong. Daniels takes himself a swig from his bottle of Old No.7 and then puts it down beside him as he begins to speak…)
Jack Daniels: Well…well…season greetings to all my drunkaholics out there from this drunken bastard. Jack Daniels is happy that all of ya out there are able to spend this holiday season with your favorite NEWF Heavyweight Champion…and your favorite piece of ass…
(With that, the stunning, ever so beautiful Electra walks into the room. Electra is decked out in a short silk robe that, leaving plenty to the imagination.)
Electra: Jaaack, can we open our presents now?
Jack Daniels: Now calm down there baby. We’ll open ‘em in just a little bit. First this drunken bastard needs to address a few issues that are on his drunken chest. Ya see, bein’ the Heavyweight Champion ain’t easy. Hell, no one said it would be. Ya see, I got what everyone in that locker room wants…the NEWF title. All eyes are on Jack Daniels. Everyone is gunnin’ for Jack Daniels. Each and every week this drunken bastard has to defend his title to prove that Jack Daniels is the absolute best at what he does…hand out ass whoopens and drink my Ol’ No.7. And this week, this week is no exception cuz ya see, Jack Daniels has to step in that squared circle and defend his title than none other than Grady Smith. Now I know what all ya drunkaholics out there are thinkin’… "we don’t want to see Daniels whoop Grady’s ass for the millionth time". Well, neither does Jack Daniels, but a drunken bastard has got to do what a drunken bastard has got to do. And if that means handin’ Grady his ass just once more to keep this gold ‘round this drunken waist, then so be it. Ya just don’t get it, do ya Grady? When are ya gonna realize that your time is up? When are ya gonna realize that ya have had one chance too many? Jack Daniels ain’t tryin’ to crack age jokes here cuz quite frankly, this ain’t the time nor the place. What Jack Daniels is tellin’ ya is that your time is up Grady. Ya have had more than your share of chances, and each and every time ya do the same thing with each and every one...ya choke under the pressure. Ya se Grady, that’s your problem. Ya never could get over that hump. Ya never could win the big matches to put ya on that elite level. Sure ya have won a few here and there, but ya see, that just doesn’t cut it in this business. Cuz ‘fore ya can blink an eye or snap a finger, ya’ll be a nobody…a nuttin…a FUCKIN’ PEON!
And ya see, that’s just why Grady was always a follower in his life, rather than a leader. Just look back at your career Grady and say it be so. Hell, is that facial hair ya got there Grady…or is that Smirt’s and Haywood’s ass hairs? Yeah ya heard this drunken bastard right. All ya did was kiss those bastards’ asses to get ya to levels in which ya didn’t belong. And Jack Daniels will give ya credit, cuz ya were able to adjust and bring your game up to the required levels…to a point. But don’t let that fool ya any Grady. Cuz the fact of the matter is that ya still ain’t up to this drunken bastard’s level. Now Jack Daniels has had his share of chances as well, but unlike ya, he makes somethin’ of ‘em. This drunken bastard doesn’t choke when it’s all on the line. He doesn’t look over his shoulder for help. And he sure as hell doesn’t make excuses like ya do or exaggerate the truth. He tells it like it was…is…and always will be. But in some ways Grady…you’re right. Ya see, people are always talkin’ ‘bout ya, even though Jack Daniels holds the gold. They talk ‘bout how ya relied on this drunken bastard to keep tag titles ‘round our waists for two months. They talk ‘bout how Jack Daniels made ya say the two words that no one wants to say cuz it makes ‘em out to be nuttin’ but a pussy…and those words were "I Quit". They talk ‘bout how ya tried to run Jack Daniels over in your 2000 Bonnesville during his match that spilled to the outside of the arena, cuz ya knew in your mind that there was no other way to rid the world of Jack Daniels. And they talk ‘bout how much ya ABSOLUTELY SUCK! Ya know, this drunken bastard is not a big fan of bringin’ up the past, but as ya can see, in this case, it’s a vital part in showin’ the world just what type of person ya are. But ya know what…Jack Daniels is here to change that for ya. Yup…that’s right. Ya see, this drunken bastard actually took the time outta his busy drinkin’ schedule to go out and buy ya a few gifts for the holiday season. And those gifts are lyin’ right there, under that tree. Why don’t we just open ‘em and show ya what Drunken Santa got ya for Chrsitmas.
(With that, Electra comes running back into the scene and grabs a present from under the tree. She turns and quickly hands it to Daniels…)
Electra: Here Jack! Open THIS ONE!
Jack Daniels: (Grabbing the present from her hand…) Why? We all know damn well that in this here box is a bottle of Ol’ No.7, and nuttin’ else. (Daniels puts it down and points to another present…) Give me that one over there. The one that says Grady on the label. Yeah that one. (Electra hands Daniels the package.) Now, when ya think of Christmas, not only do ya think of the presents, the trees, the lights, the time spent with your family…but just sitting back and watchin’ all the Christmas movie classics on a station that plays movies for guys who like movies. Such classics like A Christmas Story, and Willa Wonka and the Chocolate Factory are a few that come to mind that are played all day long. So bein’ the nice drunken bastard that Jack Daniels is, he used those movies for some really thoughtful gifts…just for ya Grady. So let’s open this one first.
(Daniels begins to unwrap this long, thin present. Daniels tears all the paper off to reveal a white box with the words "Red Ryder" written on the box. Daniels continues speaking…)
That’s right Grady, your very own Red Ryder B.B. gun. Just like little Ralphie always wanted and then eventually got from good ol’ St. Nick. Ya see, ya got people from all ‘round tellin’ ya that ya just can’t cut it. And just like little Ralphie, ya can’t come to facin’ the truth. Ya let it go in one ear and immediately out the other. And then at the end ya learn the hard way. After everyone told ya that it would happen, it finally does and ya realize just what a jackass ya are. But hopefully, when ya shoot your eye out, ya’ll do a helluva lot more damage to yourself than little Ralphie did. Hand me that one over there Electra. (Electra hand Daniels a rather small present, some what of a square, but flat. Daniels begins to unwrap it. It’s… it’s…a WONKA BAR?!) That’s right Grady, a bar of chocolate from that candy genius, Willy Wonka. Your very own Wonka Bar, but the best is still to come. Ya see, cuz when ya open up the bar of chocolate to eat it, you’re gonna find yourself a piece of gold tin foil inside. Ya got it…the golden ticket. But not to the chocolate factory, oh no Grady. This ticket is good for admittance into a mental institution of your choice. Hell, if ya think ya can beat Jack Daniels and walk away with his gold, that he worked his drunken ass off for…then ya deserve to be nowhere else but a fuckin’ mental institution, cuz ya obviously ain’t all there (pointing to head). Hand me the last one Electra. (Electra hands Daniels another present. Seems like a pretty normal size gift. Daniels begins to open it.) Ya see Grady, this drunken bastard realized that ya just might never have one of these ‘gain. Hell, who are we kiddin’…ya never will have one of these ‘gain…not as long as Jack Daniels has got something to say ‘bout it. So Drunken Santa went out and got ya one of your very own, that ya can keep and never risk it. (Daniels opens the box and pulls out…THE NEWF HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE?!) Now don’t get all excited there Grady. This ain’t Jack Daniel’s gold. This ain’t THEE NEWF Heavyweight Title that was given to this drunken bastard for workin’ his drunken ass off for. This here is a replica of my title…just for ya Grady. We all know ya will never have one of your own, but Jack Daniels didn’t want ya to feel left out. So he had one made especially for ya. And I even had it personalized just for ya… "NEWF Prehistoric Champion: GradySmithasoraus." I just had to…this drunken bastard couldn’t resist.
(Daniels puts the replica title down to the side and then picks up the very first one that Electra handed him, the one which Daniels didn’t open. Daniels looks at it for a moment and then begins speaking…)
Ya see this Grady? (holds up present) This here is a bottle of Ol’ No.7. And just to prove it to ya, Jack Daniels is gonna open it for ya. (Daniels opens it, and just like he said, it’s a bottle of Old No.7.) Now do ya know why Jack Daniels passed up on this gift and didn’t even want it? No, it’s not cuz Jack Daniels is confused once ‘gain. No, Jack Daniels is not debatin’ whether to be The Drunk One or The Sober One…cuz without a shadow of a doubt, Jack Daniels is and always will be The Drunk One. But ya see, for our match on New Years Day, it doesn’t matter whether I’m a drunken bastard or a sober bastard. That’s how well I know ya Grady. That’s how fucked up this situation is. We’ve been through hell and high water together. We’ve fought each other…we’ve fought together against others…and we damn near killed each other. Jack Daniels owns ya. I’ve held your career and your life in these drunken hands ‘fore Grady. I’ve kept gold ‘round our waist for damn near two months. I made ya do exactly that which ya didn’t want to do. I made ya admit to me…the world…and most importantly yourself…that you’re nuttin’ more than a coward…a FUCKIN’ PUSSY! Remember when this drunken bastard was holding a piece of broken glass by your eye, ready to carve it out until ya yelled the two magical words that denounced your manhood…"I Quit". How did it feel to be powerless Grady? How did it feel to have Jack Daniels in control of your life and ya couldn’t do a damn thing ‘bout it? If ya can’t remember the feelin’, don’t sweat it Grady cuz once New Years Day rolls ‘round…you’re gonna find out for a second time just how it feels to be powerless and have no control of your career…or your life…and not be able to do a damn thing ‘bout it.
Till then…MOTHERFUCKER!
(With that, the scene fades to black…)