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Hailey, ya used up your last get outta jail free card

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(The scene opens and we find ourselves in the media capital of the world…the city that never sleeps…New York City. As the camera zooms in, we see none other than Jack Daniels. Daniels is walking along, obviously looking for something. Daniels has himself a bottle of Old No.7, what else is new? Anyhow, Daniels takes a swig from the bottle as he walks along. The camera sets itself in as Daniels turns to the camera and begins speaking…)

Jack Daniels: Now I bet all ya drunkaholics are wonderin’ just what this drunken bastard is doin’ here in New York City, when he’s got himself a match in Rhode Island this Monday night. But ya know, ya won’t be the only ones wonderin’. Cuz ya see, there’s gonna be on more sorry sunuva bitch wonderin’…or should I say assumin’ why Jack Daniels is here in New York City. Ya see, we got the biggest piece of criminal horse shit walkin’ the streets callin’ Jack Daniels a pussy. (Daniels kinda smirks) It just goes to show how much ya know Hailey. Cuz the fact of the matter is, Jack Daniels is anythin’ but that. A drunk…naturally. A scholar…of course. An entertainer…hell yeah. But a pussy..far from it. Ya see Hailey, assumin’ this drunken bastard is a pussy, that’s where u make an ass outta yourself and only your criminal self. Ya must have been locked up for too damn long to see Jack Daniels acquire such scars onhis body. Ya must have been in that corner of your jail cell getting’ off on how ya killed your brother when Jack Daniels was takin’ plunges from twenty feet up through multiple tables…when he was getting’ shot with nailguns…when he was getting’ wrapped in fuckin’ barbwire. Ya must have been pickin’ up the soap while this drunken bastard never…ever said no or backed outta a challenge. But what it all comes down to is that Jack Daniels is quite possible the toughest sunuva bitch that anyone will ever come across. Grady knows it…Public Enemy knows…and soon ‘nuff, your criminal ass is gonna know it.

So why was everyone’s drunken hero at the Rhode Island State Police just a few days ago? Ya see, Jack Daniels ain’t lookin’ to avoid his match with Hailey. As a matter of fact, he’s lookin’ forward to. But the fact of the matter is this, Jack Daniels ain’t used to handlin’ criminals like yourself Hailey. This drunken bastard has fought just ‘bout every other type out there…psychos, egomaniacs, hell even a fuckin’ mannequin. But he’s never stepped in the ring with a criminal…with a man that would go as far as to murder his own flesh and blood just to get ‘head in life. Hell, this drunken bastard wouldn’t be surprised if ya stabbed me just to drain out all the damn liquor flowin’ throughout this drunken body, and then go down the street and sell it to a bum for a blowjob and a cheeseburger. Which brings me to why Jack Daniels is here in New York City today and not in Rhode Island.

(Daniels spots a building. He takes out a piece of paper fromhis pocket, looks at it, and then looks at the address of the building. He must have the right building, cuz the next thing you know, Daniels walks into the building. Daniels walks into the elevator and continues to speak as he’s going up in the elevator…)

Jack Daniels: Ya see, Jack Daniels figured that he might need a little more backup durin’ his match at Shockwave with Marcus. Not that the rest of Simply The Best couldn’t get the job done, cuz they could any day of the fuckin’ week. But this job, this is a job for two special guys that Jack Daniels has known longer than anyone else. And since the Rhode Island police did absolutely jack shit to help this drunken bastard, it looks as if Jack Daniels is gonna have to take matters into his own hands.

(The elevator stops and the door opens. Daniels steps out and walks down the hall. He walks up to a door. He knocks on it, but no one answers. He knocks on it again, but again, no answer. Finally, Daniels just opens the door. He walks in, but there’s no sign of life. He looks around, and goes from room to room, but no luck.)

Jack Daniels: Damn, where are those bastards? I told ‘em that this drunken bastard was gonna be in town and had a job for ‘em. (Daniels sits down in a recliner) Now I know Marcus and all the drunkaholics out there are on the edge of their seats just waitin’ to see what this drunken bastard has in store for ‘em. Well, Jack Daniels would love to show ya, but until they get here…

(Suddenly a voice is heard in the background…)

Voice: FREEZE! PUT YOUR HANDS UP! GET DOWN ON YOUR FUCKING KNEES!

Jack Daniels: No wait…

(Another voice is heard now…)

Voice#2: SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU HEARD THE MAN, PUT YOUR HANDS UP AND GET DOWN ON YOUR FUCKING KNEES!

(By this time, the cameraman has hit the deck. But he slowly begins to bring the camera back into focus. He slowly pans over to the other side of the room, where the voices are coming from. We can see two men. As the shot becomes a little more clear, we can see they are wearing police uniforms. The cameraman focuses in even better…wait one damn second. HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! THAT’S…THAT’S.……..IT’S FIVE-0!! That’s right, it’s Rodney K. Beater and O.J. Bruiser, collectively known as Five-0…the legendary tag team that took the NYSWF by storm and wreaked havoc all over the place. That’s who Jack Daniels was calling last time from Rhode Island. That’s the backup that Jack Daniels wants for Shockwave…Five-0. Hell, can you blame him…)

RKB: Hey O.J., go around and cuff the stupid prick that breaks into our place.

OJB: Affirmative. Watch my back…

Jack Daniels: Wait guys, it’s…

RKB: I SAID SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!

(O.J. slowly walks around the recliner with his gun in hand. O.J. slowly gets his handcuffs out. As he walks around and gets a view of just who it is, he stops. O.J. puts the cuffs away and turns to Rodney…)

OJB: Hey Rod, it’s JACK!

RKB: Jack? Oh shit, I forgot, he said he was coming up. Oh damn.

(Daniels gets up from his position as Rodney and O.J. both come over to apologize and quickly embrace. Daniels starts speaking…)

Jack Daniels: What’s wrong with ya guys. Get down on your knees…shit, I ain’t like Marcus Hailey lickin’ Grady’s ass or givin’ Grady head so he can take him places that he’ll never be.

RKB: Yeah, like out of the slammer…BWAHAHAHAHA!

OJB: Seriously Jack, we did some research on this convict Hailey and I think it’s a damn good idea that we be in Rhode Island on Monday night. This guy isn’t all there.

RKB: Yeah, he might try something funny. But don’t sweat it Jack, because if he does, we’ll be there to lay a beating on his felon ass.

Jack Daniels: Now that’s what this drunken bastard likes to hear boys. This little bastard is sick…and I mean sick. Did ya guys see what he did to Haywood at Detonation?

RKB: No we didn’t.

Jack Daniels: Shit, I bet ya could put his ass away just for what he did that night. Anyway, Jack Daniels appreciates the fact that ya wanna be in Rhode Island on Monday night. And hell, you’re more than welcome to come, Jack Daniels ain’t gonna stop ya. But ya see, Jack Daniels is sick and fuckin’ tired of this little dipshit runnin’ his damn mouth ‘bout Jack Daniels bein’ a pussy, when in fact, Jack Daniels is far from that. And ya fellas can confirm that.

OJB: Oh yeah, that’s affirmative.

Jack Daniels: Ya see, what Jack Daniels had in mind was if ya officers of the law, could show Jack Daniels some effective holds or some real good shots that will really knock Marcus the fuck out. Or maybe how to get inside this assholes mind and mess with him.

OJB: Well Jack, you have to understand first and foremost is that someone as shallow and as self-centered as Hailey has nothing but a black heart…

RKB: If any heart at all. And let’s not forget, he’s a coward Jack.

Jack Daniels: How do ya figure that? I mean he did take on Haywood in a fuckin’ graveyard match in the middle of a cemetery. Ya gotta give him some kinda credit for that, don’t ya?

RKB: Credit? You want to give this asshole some credit? You don’t understand Jack. His main purpose in life, his main goal was to become even bigger than his brother Smirt, wasn’t it?

Jack Daniels: Yeah, I reckon.

RKB: Well, someone with some dignity and a set of nuts would do it the right way. They would beat them out head on. Hailey took the easy way out. He took his brother out of the picture, because he knew damn well, there was no other way of obtaining his main goal in his pathetic life.

OJB: And then to secure himself, he got Grady and the Public Enemy to give him the security he needs.

(Suddenly, Rodney’s police radio goes off. It’s hard to make out what is being said on those damn things unless you put it up to your ear and listen closely.)

RKB: Damn, O.J. let’s go.

Jack Daniels: Where ya guys goin’?

RKB: We got a 519 a few blocks down. We’re called for backup.

OJB: We’ll be back in a few…

(Both Rodney and O.J. storm out of there, leaving Daniels and the cameraman in their place. Daniels turns to the camera as he takes a swig from his bottle of Old No.7. He wipes his mouth, looks straight into the camera and begins speaking…)

Jack Daniels: What do ya see Marcus? What do ya see when ya look into these drunken eyes Marcus? Do ya see fear? No ya don’t. Do ya see cowardliness? No ya don’t. Still can’t figure it out, can ya bitch? Hell, Jack Daniels will tell ya just what exactly you’re lookin’ at. You’re lookin’ at one ruthless…dangerous…pissed off drunken bastard that is determined to hand ya an ass whoopen that would make those yard fights back in the slammer look like recess at a playground. Ya know, you’re quite a few things to this drunken bastard. A criminal…an asshole…a follower…an ebonic speakin’ ugly motherfucker…hell, the list can go on for days. But there’s one that really hits a nerve with Jack Daniels. And that’s a fuckin’ hypocrite. How? Just how is Marcus a hypocrite? Just look at yourself Hailey. Ya wanna talk ‘bout heart? Shit, The Drunk One isn’t gonna sit here and tell ya for the 716^th time just how much fuckin’ heart he has cuz everyone and their momma knows it. But ya…ya don’t have a heart. Hell, ya might put up one helluva fight, but heart…that’s missin’ in two areas with ya Hailey. In your body and in your vocabulary. But the great thing is, it doesn’t end there Marcus. Your hypocrisy is just beginnin’. Ya see, ya just don’t accuse Jack Daniels of not havin’ a heart, but ya accuse him of not havin’ any dignity. Hell, ya don’t have any common sense Marcus, cuz it’s quite obvious whose dignity has been shattered in this situation.

Ya take dignity in the fact that ya took your brother outta the picture only to benefit yourself? Ya take dignity in the fact that ya took on your brother’s longest, and best friend in life, Haywood Jublome, and buried him ten feet into the ground? Ya see, ya took the easy way out. Ya couldn’t do what ya set out to do head on. No, ya had to take your brother out. Ya had to eliminate him from the equation. Well, ya obviously didn’t do your match right, cuz if ya did, ya would have come up with the right answer. (Hailey – Smirt) x Jack Daniels + Ol’ No.7 = AN ASS WHOOPEN OF EPIC PROPORTIONS! It’s a given Marcus. It’s a given that you’re just gonna have to accept. Ya can try all ya fuckin’ want to change things, but that ain’t just gonna happen. Cuz ya see, you’re never gonna change. Your always gonna be lookin’ for the easy way out when your knee high in shit, whether it be stealin’, killin’ or rapin’…ya won’t hesitate to fuckin’ do it. And as long as ya keep doin’ just that, you’re never gonna get anywhere in this industry Marcus. Ya can tag along with whomever ya want. Ya can kiss the ass of the most powerful and influential person in this sport, but it still won’t get ya anywhere Marcus.

(Daniels pauses for a moment to take a swig from his bottle of Old No.7 and then continues speaking…)

Jack Daniels: And to top it all off, ya come out and say this drunken bastard is a walkin’ billboard for Ol’ No.7? Well maybe ya should take a look at yourself Marcus. Look at ya…in that orange jumpsuit. Hell, all ya need to do now is write the letters "HBO" on it and the time. This way, we all know what time to turn on the boob tube and watch "OZ". Ya see Marcus, you’re comin’ off a career victory over Haywood in that cemetery from last week. So cherish that feelin’ while ya can, cuz ya will never get that same feelin’ ‘gain. Cuz once Monday night rolls ‘round, ya gotta dance with this drunken bastard inside that squared circle…one on one. No Grady…no Bazooka Joe…no DFR…no STB. Just ya and The Drunk One…mono e mono. And it’s not even a question if ya can handle a round of Jack Daniels…cuz once Monday night is all said and done…once all the dust has settled…once that last drop of liquor hits these drunken lips…the whole damn world will all realize that ya can’t take a shot of Jack Daniels without getting’ knocked on your criminal ass more than once.

Till then…MOTHERFUCKER!

(Suddenly, Rodney and O.J. walk back into the apartment and back into the picture..)

RKB: Sorry about that Jack, but duty called.

Jack Daniels: Hey, it’s all good with this drunken bastard. Now, ya gonna show Jack Daniels a few things or what?

RKB: Yeah alright.

OJB: Hey, I know what will really get under Hailey’s skin…

Jack Daniels: What’s that?

OJB: THIS!

(O.J. pulls out…his NIGHTSTICK! Daniels smiles as O.J. hands it to him. Daniels gets a fell for it as both Rodney and O.J. begin to show him just how to use that nightstick effectively as the scene fades to black…)