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<title>Daniels on Spencer & Hoffman</title>

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(The scene opens to the cold, windy streets on this Thanksgiving Day. The streets are virtually empty as most people are in their homes with their families and relatives, watching football, while the little kids are raising havoc, and the women are putting the final touches on dinner. The wind blows the fallen leaves from one side of the street to the other. As the camera pans the area, we can see a line of people coming out of a building. What’s going on here? The camera moves in for a closer look. It’s a soup kitchen, and the people waiting on line are homeless. The camera moves to the inside of the soup kitchen, as volunteers from around the community are there to help and serve the homeless. Wait a damn second, look there, it’s…it’s Jack Daniels. Daniels is behind the line with the other volunteers. What the hell is Daniels doing there? Let’s find out…)

Jack Daniels: Well…well…oh fuckin’ well. Now ‘fore all ya drunkaholics get all worked up, let this drunken bastard explain what he’s doin’ here. Ya see, every year Jack Daniels finds a little spot in his drunken heart to come out here and help those who need the help. Whether it be givin’ ‘em a handout or pourin’ gravy on their turkey and mash potatoes just like this drunken bastard is doin’ now, Jack Daniels makes sure he does his part.

(Daniels pauses for a moment to pour some gravy on the plates of some homeless people. Daniels continues to speak…)

Jack Daniels: One step closer…yet still so far. Ya see, just last week, Jack Daniels got one step closer to the NEWF Heavyweight Title. Hell, he didn’t win, but even more importantly, he didn’t lose, this keepin’ in the title hunt. So this week, Jack Daniels has yet ‘nother three way match, but this time he’s gonna be dancin’ with two different sunuva bitches. Now quite honestly, it doesn’t even matter who the other two jackasses are cuz regardless of who it is, the end result is gonna be no different when this drunken bastard’s hand is raised in victory and then moves on to the last stage of becomin’ the first ever NEWF Heavyweight Champ. But ‘fore he can think ‘bout that, Jack Daniels has two sunuva bitches that he has to take care of…and quick. The first sorry jackass that’s gonna have his ass handed to him in a paper bag is none other than…Spencer Barrington? Spencer? What kind of fuckin’ name is that? How the hell do ya take someone serious when they got a name like Spencer? But maybe that’s the problem. Maybe people look at his name and don’t take the sunuva bitch seriously. I mean, hell he’s gotten this far. (stops and thinks for a moment) Nah, the asshole is nuttin’ but a big fuckin’ joke. I mean, the bitch comes out on television each and every week and bitches to Comissioner Kanyon ‘bout this and that. And worst of all...the biggest strike against ya is that you’re from the biggest hellhole this earth could produce, Calgary…Alberta Canada. Ya still aren’t convinced? Then why don’t ya just check out the bastard’s interview. It’s a natural sedative, like the one found in turkey, but this one knocks ya right the fuck out. Just like Jack Daniels is gonna do to your sorry ass come Monday night.

Volunteer: Hey Jack, you better go in the back and get some more gravy. There’s still a lot of people out there, cold and hungry.

(Daniels walks off into the back of the soup kitchen to fetch some more gravy.)

Now I don’t know if it’s cuz this bastard is from Canada or he’s just fuckin’ thick headed, cuz obviously the sorry sunuva bitch has no clue what he’s babblin’ ‘bout. A path to nowhere? Jack Daniels career has taken a path to…nowhere? Shit, ya must have been livin’ under a rock for the past 2 years bitch, cuz everyuone and their momma has watched and witnessed Jack Daniels rise not only to the top of this circuit, but to the top of this industry. Somethin’ ya have yet to do, and quite frankly will never do, unless this business changes it’s image and becomes "Who’s the biggest piece of Canadian horse shit that wrestle his way outta a fuckin’ paper bag". Ya see, what ya don’t realize is that you’re gonna be in the opposite corner of a legend. Something ya have yet to experience here. Yeah, ya might have beaten Canuck and Cameron Black, but please, give me a break. Black just came onto the rasslin’ scene outta nowhere and thinks he’s hot shit, when in fact he ain’t nuttin’. And Canuck, no don’t get me started with that bastard that holds the record for participating in the most feds for the least amount of time. Now granted, ya did go one on one with, I wouldn’t call him a legend just yet, but he’s above average, Grady Smith. And ya couldn’t even handle him? So what the fuck makes ya think that ya can handle a round of Jack Daniels? Fact is that ya can’t, and ya never will be able to. Ya might be able to go toe to toe with rookies, mid carders, main eventers, veterans or even superstars. But ya see, Jack Daniels isn’t any of those. And come Monday night, ya will see that ya can’t go toe to toe with a livin’ legend…and that ya can’t go toe to toe with The Whole Drunken Show.

(Daniels finds a big pot of gravy and proceeds to empty some out into a metal pan to take back out. Before Daniels goes anywhere, he dips his finger in the gravy and tastes it…)

Jack Daniels: Ughh…this tastes like shit. But I think I know just what might spice this gravy up a bit.

(Daniels walks over to a closet and opens it. Inside we see a few jackets and bags hung up. Daniels opens up a duffel bag and pulls out…a BOTTLE of OLD NO.7. He opens it up and takes one of his trademark swigs. He walks over to the gravy, and looks around to make sure no one is there watching him. He then proceeds to empty almost half the bottle in the pot of gravy. Daniels stirs it around as he takes it back outside.)

Volunteer: Find the gravy?

Jack Daniels: (grinning) Sure did. Just like Hoffman’s ass is gonna find this drunken bastard’s foot. Hoffman…Hoffman…Hoffman…how long Jack Daniels has waited for this moment. This drunken bastard could care less that good ol’ Spencer here is gonna be in the way, just as long as your pathetic ass is in that squared circle at he same time as me. YA see Hoffer, words can’t even describe what Jack Daniels is gonna do to ya. From bein’ thrown of the Grand Canyon…from being sent to the Betty Ford Clinic to sober me up…to getting’ injected by a needle to weaken my cravin’ for my Ol’ No.7, thus weakenin’ me…Jack Daniels has yours comin’. Oh ya better believe he does Hoffer, and ya know what they say? Ya know that phrase a lot of people use? Payback is a bitch. Well no, not this time…not for ya Hoff. For ya…Payback is gonna be a MOTHERFUCKIN’ BITCH! And to be able to end your chances at any meaningful gold for ya, makes it that much sweeter. But what will make it bitter than a bottle of Ol’ No.7 for ya, is when ya wake up the next mornin’ with a fuckin’ hangover Hoffman, and realize one simple little thing. No not just the fact that Jack Daniels ain’t to be fucked with, it ain’t gonna be that simple. You’re gonna realize that your pathetic, meaningless career is gonna be over, cuz there ain’t gonna be no way that anyone…and Jack Daniels means NYONE is gonna be able to take the ass whoopen that’s in store for ya and be able to continue on with your normal life.

(Daniels continues to serve the homeless by pouring his special recipe Old No.7 gravy on their turkey and mash potatoes.)

Hoffmna, Spencer, whenya bastards look into these drunken eyes, what do ya see? WHAT DO YA FUCKIN’ SEE? Ya think ya see fear? Oh hell no, cuz this drunken bastard shows no fear…this drunken bastard has no fear. When ya look into these drunken eyes, ya should see that in here lies one sadistic, fearless sunuva bitch that will do whatever it fuckin’ takes to get what he wants. And what he wants is the NEWF Heavyweight Title. If that means inflictin’ pain on myself to inflict pain on ya sorry bastards…then so be it. If that means killin’ myself to kill ya sorry motherfuckers…then so fuckin’ be…well, let’s not get too carried away here. Ya see fellas, ya two have done jack shit for this business, but yet ya still think that ya both deserve gold ‘round your waists. Ya see, it doesn’t quite happen like that. And it sure as hell won’t as long as Jack Daniels has somethin’ to say ‘bout it.

(Suddenly, some of the homeless people are leaving the soup kitchen, well actually they are stumbling out to be more accurate. They look up at Daniels and give him their approval of the gravy. The drunken bums make their way out as Daniels continues to speak…)

Ya see, what it all boils down to is who wants it more..and that’s undoubtedly this drunken bastard. Hoffman, ya have your hell to pay, and it might not all come in the form of one single ass whoopen. It just very well might be ass whoopens each and every night for the rest of your pathetic life. And Spencer…Spencer Jack Daniels has only got 3 words for ya, and those words are that…YA ABSOLUTELY SUCK! Face the facts jackasses, ya just can’t win…and that’s that.

Good Luck…MOTHERFUCKERS…cuz you’re sure as hell gonna need it…BWAHAHAHAHA!

(And with that, the scene fades to Daniels continuin’ to serve up the bums some of his special Old No.7 recipe gravy, making it a Thanksgiving they will never forget.)