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American Express...Never Leave Home Without It

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**OOC Note: This interview was taped and conducted Early Friday morning**

(The scene opens to the break of dawn. Seriously, it is damn early…5:53am to be exact on this Black Friday, well at least that’s what the sign at the bank says right down the street. Anyway, for it being so early, the streets are quite packed. Look, there’s actually lines coming out the stores as people are actually waiting for them to open at 6am, which they usually do on the busiest shopping day of the year. As the camera pans the scene, it comes across a store that has a line, not a huge one, but a line with waiting customers for the store to open its doors. Josh AuClair, the NEWF’s esteemed reporter, is on the scene and looking to catch all the excitement on the busiest shopping day of the year, and hopefully promote the NEWF and their huge upcoming events.)

AuClair: Hello and welcome NEWF fans, as well as prospective NEWF fans. We’re are only three days away from another huge Monday night Shockwave, and only a little over a week away from the NEWF’s first Pay Per View event which promises to be huge…Oh my god, I can’t believe it, that’s…that’s Jack Daniels?!

(The camera quickly cuts and there, at the very front of the line, we see none other than Jack Daniels. But Daniels, at 6 in the morning, at the front of the line to go shopping? It doesn’t sound like the good ole Jack Daniels that I know. Why don’t we find out what’s going on. AuClair rushes up to Daniels like the amazing reporter he is…)

AuClair: Jack…Jack, may I ask you what you are doing in line here at…(AuClair looks at his watch)…5:55 am?

Jack Daniels: Well what on the hell is looks like I’m doin’ jackass? This drunken bastard is waiting in line to do some shoppin’ here.

AuClair: Shopping? Oh, you mean for Christmas. You’re getting your holiday shopping done on the very first holiday shopping day of the year, Black Friday.

Jack Daniels: Holiday shoppin’? No…Jack Daniels is doin’ his everyday shoppin’.

AuClair: Everyday shopping? Where are we anyway?

(Good question…the camera pans up toward the sign on the top of the store to get an idea of just what Daniels is shopping for. Wine and Spirits? Wait a damn second…Daniels is on line to get in the…LIQUOR STORE! That drunken bastard is out to buy his good Ol’ No.7.)

AuClair: Liquor store? You’re out here at 6 in the morning, waiting in line to get in the liquor store?

Jack Daniels: Yeah, ya got a problem with that slappy?

(AuClair wisely shakes his head no.)

Jack Daniels: Ya see, Jack Daniels needs to start his day off right. He needs his daily vitamins…his grains and proteins to get him through the day. (Suddenly, the liquor store owner walks up to the door and opens it. Daniels takes a step in before turning around and saying…) This drunken bastard will be back out in a minute, so wait right here so Jack Daniels can cut ‘nother one of his trademark drunken promos.

(About a minute or two goes by, and out comes Jack Daniels, with what else, but a bottle of Old No.7 in hand and already about a quarter empty.)

Jack Daniels: Ya know jerky, this drunken bastard was doin’ some thinkin’ while he was in there. Ya know, maybe it ain’t such a bad idea to do some holiday shoppin’.

AuClair: Oh that’s sounds like fun. For who…Electra?

Jack Daniels: Nah, not for Electra…nor for my drunken self.

AuClair: Then for who?

Jack Daniels: The same two men that are gonna experience what an ass whoopen and a half tastes like this Monday night.

AuClair: You mean…

Jack Daniels: That’s right skippy…Good ol’ Spencer and the Hoffer.

AuClair: But what are you going to buy them?

Jack Daniels: Ya know what, you’re no longer needed here slappy. And plus, ya ask too many damn annoyin’ questions. Be gone…jackass.

(Daniels pushes AuClair out of the picture and takes himself a swig from his bottle of Old No.7. He looks back at the camera as he walks down the street and continues talkin’…)

Ya see, this drunken bastard has gotten himself into the holiday spirit here and decided, instead of just givin’ Spencer and Hoffman an ass whoopen, he might as well buy ‘em a few gifts to accommodate those ass whoopens nicely. So many gifts to buy between the two bastards, who should Jack Daniels get out of the way first here? How ‘bout the Hoffer, seein’ as the sunuva bitch only really needs one gift. But ya see, it’s not the amount of gifts ya get someone, it’s the thought behind it that makes it so special. So follow me while this drunken bastard makes his way there.

Ya see, Hoffman has always pushed these drunken buttons. But it wasn’t until a week or so ago when he pushed ‘em to far and crossed the line. Ya see, it’s one thing to try and kill somebody and throw ‘em off the Grand Canyon. But to try and sober ‘em up and take away the one thing in life that he thirsts for…the one thing that he needs…now that is just fucked up in this drunken bastard’s opinion. Matt, what did Jack Daniels ever do to ya to deserve this kinda crap? Hell, if anythin’, Jack Daniels was helpin’ your pathetic ass make a name for itself. I gave ya the opportunity to become famous by lettin’ ya team with me…lettin’ ya pick up a win here and there. But you’re obviously too damn stupid to realize that. Ya thought Jack Daniels didn’t give a fuck, when in fact he did. He tried helpin’ ya and givin’ ya a head start in your career. And what kind of thanks does Jack Daniels get? He gets launched off the Grand Canyon. He gets sent to the Betty Ford Clinic. He gets injections to make him quit the one thing he loves most…his Ol’ No.7. Now it’s time for Jack Dnaiels to give ya somethin’ other than an ass whoopen of monumental proportions. Ah, and here we are…Jim’s Masonry. Yeah, ya heard this drunken bastard right…a masonry.

(Daniels walks into the front entrance and walks up to the front desk. In the store we see samples of his work by having tombstones and such displayed in his showroom. Jim, the owner, comes out from behind a door and speak with Daniels…)

Jim: Yes, may I help you sir?

Jack Daniels: Yeah, I’m lookin’ for a tombstone for some sorry sunuva bitch.

Jim: Well then, I guess you don’t really care what type of tombstone you want?

Jack Daniels: Hell, I actually wouldn’t mind just some old piece of rock with his name written on it, but this drunken bastard figured he go all out bein’ it’s so damn close to the holidays.

Jim: Ok, we’ll go with the traditional tombstone you see there. Now what do you want it to read?

Jack Daniels: Hmm…ok how ‘bout this:

Jack Daniels: Yeah, I think that will do it. Now can ya have that for me by Monday night.

Jim: Yeah that will be no problem.

(Daniels leaves the store as he takes himself a swig from his bottle of liquor and continues speaking…)

Jack Daniels: Now that Hoffman is outta the way, let’s focus on the other sorry sunuva bitch that is gonna get beaten from pillar to post, good ol’ Spencer Barrington. Ah, what to get good ol’ Spencer? That question haunts everyone one every holiday season. But not this drunken bastard. He knows exactly what Spencer needs, other than a new name and a new gimmick. So follow me cuz we’re gonna have to hit a few stores here.

Spencer, ya must be damn foolish too actually think ya stand a fuckin’ chance in this match Monday night. Just take a look at who you’re goin’ up ‘gainst. Forget ‘bout Hoffman, cuz he’ll be done ‘fore ya even step in the ring. Ya got a multi time World Heavyweight Champion. Ya got a livin’ legend with more wins than ya can count. Ya got a drunken bastard that’ll do whatever it fuckin’ takes to win and ultimately strap that gold ‘round his drunken waist. One word…ya got somethin’ that’s…UNBEATABLE! But yet, ya still like to sit there and babble on and on until ya put the insomniacs to sleep ‘bout how Jack Daniels doesn’t stand a chance…’bout how Jack Daniels sucks and ya don’t…’bout how it’s gonna be ya and TME in the finals. Well, let this drunken bastard bring ya back into reality bitch, TME sucks…Canada sucks…and ya, no ya don’t suck…ya ABSOLUTELY SUCK! Ya have come here to the NEWF and have won yourself two outta three matches. Whoop-te-fuckin’-doo. I know that probably brings your career total up to three, and it’s something for ya to blow your load over, but your little celebration and your wishful thinkin’ ends here. As much as ya would like to think that ya and your little butt buddy are gonna be in the finals, don’t forget ya still got this drunken bastard to go through. And for someone like yourself…someone with your capabilities and talents…all you’re gonna need is a FUCKIN’ MIRACLE!

(Daniels walks right into some building without us even getting a chance to see exactly what building it is. Daniels walks up to some clerk behind a desk and begins speaking…)

Jack Daniels: Yeah, I need an application for a green card.

Clerk: You need a green card?

Jack Daniels: Oh no, not me. It’s for this other Canadian jackass that I’m fightin’ on Monday night. He’s been working here in the States without a green card or anything. I figure I would be nice and give him his Christmas gift a little early.

Clerk: Ah, I see. (Opens up a drawer and hands Daniels some papers) Here you go.

(Daniels walks out of the building and continues walking down the street as he begins to speak yet again…)

Hell, I’m sure Spencer will like this little gift. Now he doesn’t have to hide from immigration every time he crosses the border to come to work. Ya know, this still ain’t ‘nuff. I think I should buy the sorry bastard something else. But the question is what? Hey, this drunken bastard has got it, how ‘bout…yeah he’ll definitely like that, there’s no way he has one of his own.

(Daniels walks towards an intersection, and in the distance, we see some flags flying high in the air. As Daniels egts closer, we realize that it’s a Flags of the World store set up on the intersection of two major roads. Daniels walks up to the guy running the shop and speaks…)

Jack Daniels: Hey, this drunken bastard needs a nice, huge American flag.

Flag Guy: Alrighty. Are you planning on putting this up yourself?

Jack Daniels: No. I’m givin’ this to some damn Canadian as an early Christmas gift, after I whoop his Canadian ass on Monday night.

Flag Guy: Ah, I see. (hands Daniels the flag)

Jack Daniels: Wow, this is nice and soft. Ya know what, I’ll also take a Canadian flag.

Flag Guy: You going to give this to him too?

Jack Daniels: Nah, I need somethin’ soft for this drunken ass. Ya know how the toilet paper ‘round here is…it’s like fuckin’ sandpaper.

(Daniels takes both flags and walks off as he continues speaking…)

Ya see Spencer, just like ya, this Canadian flags deserves nuttin’ more than to be wiped all over this drunken ass. No one respects Canada…no one respects this flag…and no one sure as hell respects your sorry ass. The truth hurts…don’t it Spencer? But not as much as this ass whoopen that Jack Daniels has in store for ya Monday night. This drunken bastard is gonna show ya how we get things done the American way…the Drunken way. Ya see Barrington, Jack Daniels doesn’t build himself off of all lies and ill beliefs, like your pathetic ass has to resort to. Jack Daniels knows he’s the very damn best at what he does cuz he does one thing that ya can’t do...he PROVES IT! No, not just by downin’ bottle after bottle after fuckin’ bottle of Ol’ No.7, but by handin’ opponent after opponent after fuckin’ opponent, their asses when they step in that drunken ring and go One on One with The Drunk One. And once Monday night rolls ‘round, this drunken bastard is gonna prove to ya that ya just can’t handle a round of Jack Daniels.

Till then…MOTHERFUCKERS!

Hmm…should I buy Spencer his other gifts, some skills, maybe a new gimmick, a new haircut and maybe some new tights. Nah, I’ll leave some things for other people to buy ya, although I can’t imagine who would want to do somethin’ like that. Well, at least I beat the lines at the stores…

(Daniels takes one more of his trademark swigs from his bottle of Old No.7 as he walks off and the scene fades to black…)