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An early Christmas gift just for ya Spencer...

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(The scene opens and we find ourselves in the parking lot of some huge mall. The parking lot is packed to the gills as inpatient pedestrians look for a parking space during this crazy holiday season. The scene cuts to the inside of the mall. It is absolutely packed. But what is making it look even worse is an enormous line running through the mall. What could this line be for? Just about everyone in line fits the same category…parents with their young ones. As the cameraman makes his way toward the front of the line, we realize that all the little kids in line are here to see Santa. We see Santa sitting in his chair as the kids are sitting in his lap and telling him what they want for Christmas. Suddenly, the Santa gets up to excuse himself. He makes his way down a corridor and walks into the men’s bathroom. It’s Jack Daniels! What the hell is Daniels doing here? Daniels has a bottle of Old No.7 clutched in his palm and a grin running across his face, as he walks into the men’s room behind Santa. The scene cuts and we’re inside the bathroom. Daniels is standing up against the stall’s door. Santa opens it and steps out, but is startled by Daniels as he begins to speak…)

Jack Daniels: Hey there Santa…

Santa: (startled) Why hello there fella.

Jack Daniels: Well?

Santa: Well what?

Jack Daniels: Well…aren’t ya gonna ask this drunken bastard what he wants for Christmas?

Santa: Well ok…what would you like for Christmas…uh… drunken person?

Jack Daniels: Jack Daniels wants…to be Santa Claus.

Santa: Well, how is Santa going to give you that?

(Daniels just stares at Santa and grins.)

Santa: Oh you mean…(Daniels nods his head) Gee, I don’t know about that. I could get in trouble. Plus what would I do for the last two hours of my shift? (Daniels holds up his bottle of Old No.7 for Santa to see and get a clue.) You got yourself a deal…

(Daniels smiles as the scene momentarily fades to black. The scene fades back in, right outside the men’s bathroom. The door swings open and out walks Daniels…I mean Santa…ok it’s Drunken Santa. With another bottle of Old No.7 in hand…where does he keep coming up with these bottles of liquor? Anyway, with liquor in hand, Daniels makes his way to Santa’s little village as he sits down and awaits the next little kid in line. A blonde kid with glasses walks up and sits on Drunken Santa’s lap…)

Drunken Santa: Well hello there little fella. What is your name? (The kid doesn’t say anything) Ok, ya wanna stay anonymous. So, what would ya like for Christmas? (Again, the kid doesn’t say anything.) Well, ya gotta want somethin’. A football? A bottle of Ol’ No.7? The NEWF Heavyweight Title? C’mon kid, spit it out.

Kid#1: (The kid finally looks up at Santa and works up enough courage to finally speak to the Drunken Santa) I want a B.B. gun.

Drunken Santa: What? Ya’ll shoot your eye out kid. (Daniels tosses the kid from his lap) Next…

(A Hispanic kid approaches Drunken Santa, as he jumps up on his lap…)

Drunken Santa: So little fella, what would ya like for Christmas?

Kid#2: Yo quiero uno bicecleta…

Drunken Santa: Say what? How ‘bout ya take your chihuahua ass and run for the liquor store and grab this drunken Santa a bottle of Ol’ No.7.

(Daniels tosses the Hispanic kid off of his lap as the next kid approaches Daniels. In fact, it’s a little girl as she hops up onto Daniels lap…)

Drunken Santa: So little girl, what would ya like for this Drunken Santa to bring ya on Christmas morning?

Kid#3: Santa, why does your breath smell like alcohol?

Drunken Santa: Oh no little girl…that’s not liquor. That’s the smell of your mom’s sweet…uhh so anyway, let’s not forget here, what do ya want for Christmas?

Kid#3: Well, I need something a little before Christmas Santa. You see, my favorite wrestler in the whole wide world is wrestling this Monday night.

Drunken Santa: Did ya say Monday night?

Kid#3: Yeah. His name is Jack Daniels.

Drunken Santa: Did ya just say…Jack Daniels?

Kid#3: Yeah, aren’t you listening? Anyway, all I ask for is that Jack Daniels beats that stupid Canadian Monday night. Can you make sure of that?

Drunken Santa: Oh, believe me sweetheart…this drunken Santa will make damn sure of that. Now where’s that kid with my Ol’ No.7? Ah, who is this Drunken Santa kiddin’, he probably got held up at Taco Bell as he headed for the border. Better go get it myself. (Daniels gets up and begins to leave as some of the parents and kids begin questioning what he’s doing.) Oh, this Drunken Santa will be right back folks, he has to take a break for a drink…

(Daniels walks away from the mob of people waiting to see Drunken Santa. After a minute or so, he takes off the hat and the fake beard and begins talking…)

Jack Daniels: Ya know, come Christmas morning, kids of all nationalties....of all ages…boys and girls alike, will all wake up at the crack of dawn, run over to their little Christmas tree and open up the presents that they so kindly asked for days, weeks…even months in advance. But just like every other present they open, within two days, every little kid is gonna be sicked and tired of playin’ with it and won’t even be able to look at it. But not the one this drunken Santa was asked to deliver. A present so simple in deliverin’, yet so effective and memorable once unfolded. And that present is one 86 proof ass whoopen and a half for the sorry sunuva bitch that Jack Daniels has to defend his prestigious Heavyweight title ‘gainst…Spencer Barrington. Ya see Spencer, you’re just like all those materialistic presents that this drunken bastard was just talkin’ ‘bout. How ya ask? Cuz Jack Daniels is already tired of listenin’ to ya…and is tired as hell of whoopin’ your ass from pillar to post. Now granted, it might have only been once, but ya can rest assure that this drunken bastard is already tired of doin’ it cuz quite frankly, it doesn’t propose a challenge what-so-fuckin’-ever. Now granted, ya got yourself a handful of talent and skill that others in this industry couldn’t get if they were givin’ it away for free on the corner of the street. But what ya don’t understand Spencer is that it’s just not ‘nuff. It’s not ‘nuff to take down a round of Jack Daniels and still be standin’ on your own two feet. It’s not ‘nuff to go One on One with The Drunk One. It’s just not ‘nuff to beat Jack Daniels and become the NEWF Heavyweight Champion. Didn’t ya get that message the first time ‘round Spencer? Oh now wait…this drunken bastard almost forgot, you’re Canadian, which means ya tend to be thick headed and need to learn things the hard way. Jack Daniels will try to not hold that ‘gainst ya.

But what Jack Daniels will hold ‘gainst ya is your whinin’ and bitchin’…(begin Spencer imitation) It’s not fair that Daniels beat me. It’s all Commissioner Kanyon’s fault because he distracted me when TME came out to bring me a bottle of water, so I could spill it over my head and revive myself because Jack Daniels was whoopin’ my ass like never ‘fore…(end Spencer imitation) . Don’t ya realize that no gives a flyin’ fuck ‘bout ya or your excuses that sound like a 3-month-old fetus could come up with? No one is buyin’ into the fact that you’re as honorable as ya make yourself to be. Hell, I guess like mentor…like protégé, eh Spencer? Just like TME would preach all his beliefs and ill conceived ideas, ya like to preach how you’re the best the NEWF has to offer. A 21 year ol’ with some skill, but with flaws that make Joe Lemon look like a legend. Ya can eat, sleep and breathe this all ya want Spencer, but the fact of the matter is that ya have yet to pay your dues. That’s why no one respects ya….that’s why no one in this business gives two shits ‘bout your Canadian ass. If ya think ya can just set foot in this business and walk out with the Heavyweight Title after your fourth or fifth match, then you’re seriously mistaken. I couldn’t care how much fuckin’ talent ya may have, that’s just not happenin’…not as long as this drunken bastard has got somethin’ to say ‘bout it. Ya see, no matter how much talent or skill ya claim to have, there are a few other things that ya need…that ya pick up over the years of workin’ your ass off night in and night out. Determination…which ya seem to have got a hold of. But that will only get ya so far. Heart…somethin’ ya wouldn’t know a damn thing ‘bout. Ya look Jack Daniels in these drunken eyes and tell me that ya haven’t cheated your way to the top here in the NEWF, or at least attempted to do so every opportunity ya got. Fact is, ya don’t have the heart to tell Jack Daniels that, cuz it’s the truth…and the truth hurts, don’t it Spencer? Goin’ one match without a run in from TME, or Cassandra or Canuck or anyone else for that matter, is somethin’ that ya can’t do without cuz ya have come to rely on it to elevate ya to ‘nother level. Well, when your so called Canadian Connection come to realize that ya ABSOLUTELY SUCK…and leave ya hangin’, who’s gonna be there to give ya a helpin’ hand? ‘Nuff said. And finally, Balls…somethin’ ya’ll never know anythin’ ‘bout cuz the fact of the matter is that you’re too much of a fuckin’ pussy to take a bump that might actually have some consequences. This drunken bastard has been through more than everyone in that locker room has ever been through combined. Why? Cuz he ain’t afraid to fall fifteen plus feet through three tables. Cuz he ain’t afraid to get shot in the arm with a nailgun. Cuz Jack Daniels ain’t afraid to be wrapped in barb wire from head to toe. But ya, hell, you’re afraid when a little mouse goes runnin’ across the room. You’re afraid…afraid for your fuckin’ life that ya have to step in that squared circle ‘gainst a drunken bastard that is unpredictable and capable of doin’ that which ya don’t expect.

Just like at Boston Massacre…Jack Daniels pulled out all the fuckin’ stops to get what he wanted…and what he so rightfully deserved. Jack Daniels stepped into that Cell and for one hour…ONE FUCKIN’ HOUR…handed TME, your buddy…your partner…your MENTOR, and ass whoopen and a half. Hell, three men…THREE FUCKIN’ MEN…and it still couldn’t stop this drunken bastard. And one of ‘em was ya Spencer. Ya gave me the best ya had to offer…That’s Sensational, you’re version of a frog splash. But it still wasn’t ‘nuff to put away Jack Daniels. So I know Spencer, you’re sittin’ back right now, and runnin’ through your mind is a question that many have asked over the years…"What’s it gonna take to stop Jack Daniels…what’s it gonna take to put him out?" Now that’s a good question Spencer…and good luck findin’ out an answer. This drunken bastard would like to help ya find an answer but the truth of the matter is that Jack Daniels doesn’t even know how he can be stopped or contained. But come Monday night, Jack Daniels will help ya realize why I’m the NEWF Heavyweight Champion…and just why…

Till then…MOTHERFUCKER!

(And with that, Daniels walks off in his Drunken Santa outfit as the scene fades to black…)