Time to go to school Johnny Boy
Time to go to school Johnny Boy
(The scene opens and we find ourselves in some remote location. We can tell it’s somewhere in the Northeast because it’s so damn cold outside and that snow on the ground seems like it’s never gonna melt. Anyway, the camera pans the location to get some sort of idea where we actually are, but it’s too late. Why you ask? Well, to answer your question, the camera gets a shot of none other than The Drunk One himself Jack Daniels. Daniels, with of course bottle of Old No.7 in hand, is walking int his frigid cold weather, obviously in search of something. Daniels spots the camera and begins speaking…)
Jack Daniels: Well…well…oh fuckin’ well. Ya know, as each and every week passes by, Jack Daniels seems to think that his chances at a rematch for the Heavyweight Title are getting’ further and further away from reach. Just look at what Jack Daniels has been asked to do ever since he dropped his title back a few weeks ago. First, this drunken bastard takes on Marcus Hailey. Nuttin’ too bad, but a step back, nonetheless. Then, Jack Daniels is given the week off, as if he needed one. And now, now is where Jack Daniels has hit rockbottom in the NEWF. Ya see, the higher ups here in the NEWF have just scheduled your Drunken Hero to go one on one with little Johnny Storm. Now granted, Jon-Jon has won himself a few matches here and there by some miracle. But Jack Daniels thinks…nah, Jack Daniels knows that this sorry sunuva bitch doesn’t know a wristlock from a wristwatch, let alone what he’s getting’ himself into here.
Now some are optimistic ‘bout the issue at hand here. Some might see it as an opportunity for a guy like Johnny Storm to advance himself up to The Drunk One’s level. And some…some see it as Jack Daniel’s takin’ quite a few steps down from his level to meet Jon-Jon somewhere in the middle. Ya see, the truth of the matter is this. There ain’t no one…and Jack Daniels means NO ONE…who can ever step up to this drunken bastard’s level. There might be a few who come mighty close, but that’s as far as they’ll get. Now as far as Jon-Jon is concerned, well for him to even come close to Jack Daniel’s level, he’s gonna have to do a few things. And hell, being the nice drunken bastard that Jack Daniels is, he’s gonna help ya out a little bit here Johnny. It’s no problem Johnny, you’re welcome. Alright…alright, maybe one day ya can return the favor by buyin’ Jack Daniels a bottle of Ol’ No.7 or two. Ah here we are now…
(Daniels approaches a building. It’s seems to be a little run down and old, but that’s irrelevant here. What should be noticed is that sign right outside the building. Yeah that one that said "Academy of Wrestling" on it. A closer look and we see in smaller print under that, it reads "Critical Mass Pro Wrestling". What…is this what I think it is? Well, only time will tell. Daniels walks in through the front door and then he walks through another door. Finally, we find ourselves in a gym of sorts. We see about twelve to fifteen people in there, and let’s not forget about that ring. Everyone in the gym stops and looks at Daniels as he begins speaking…)
Jack Daniels: Oh, don’t mind me guys. I just wanted to take in a practice and see what ya guys are all ‘bout.
(What seems to be the instructor and the man in charge simply nods his head ok, and everyone resumes what they were doing. Daniels walks around a bit and begins speaking…)
Jack Daniels: Ok now little Johnny Storm, we’ll start from the beginnin’. Now ya see that big square thing right there? The one with the ropes going ‘round it? Yeah, that big thin that those guys are jumpin’ ‘round in. Now that, that’s called a RING. Now say it with me Jon-Jon…ring. R-I-N-G…ring. Get it? Got it? Good. Now just so ya don’t get all confused or lost durin’ this promo, or any other for that matter, it can also be referred to as a squared circle. Now Johnny, grab yourselves a Webster dictionary and tell Jack Daniels what it says next to ring. I’ll have myself a drink while ya do that.
(Daniels pauses for a moment to take a swig from his bottle of Old No.7 and then continues speaking…)
Jack Daniels: Alright Johnny, time’s up. Ya want the real definition of the word ring? Well here ya go Jon-Jon. "A square structure surrounded by ropes where Jack Daniels will just simply whoop your ass." Alright, now that lesson one is completed Johnny, Jack Daniels thinks you’re ready for lesson two. Ya seem to grasp the concept of a ring. Now we’re gonna step it up a notch and get into fallin’ and takin’ bumps. Now ya see Jon-Jon, there are different levels of bumps. Ya got level one bumps…level two bumps…level three bumps and so on. Now take a look right there in that ring Johnny. (The camera shifts focus on the ring as what looks to be a new student, is getting broke into the training) Now ya see how he’s just standin’ there and fallin’ on his back. Now that there is a level one bump. Now Jack Daniels ain’t tellin’ ya to do this at home…in fact ya little ones out there shouldn’t without adult supervision, and that includes ya as well Jon-Jon. All Jack Daniels is tellin’ ya to do is sit back and take some notes. Cuz as ya’ll learn in future lessons, it takes two to tango. One man can’t put on a show all by his lonesome self. Now Jack Daniels ain’t worried ‘bout beatin’ ya, cuz he has beat men light years beyond your pathetic ass. He’s worried ‘bout not givin’ the fans their monies worth. And seein’ as you’re still a little wet behind the ears, this drunken bastard thought that maybe a lesson or two couldn’t hurt.
(Suddenly someone walks over to Daniels and introduces himself…)
Guy: Hi there. My name is Will. I’m the instructor of this class.
Jack Daniels: Hey there…name is Jack Daniels.
Will: Are you interested in joining this class and getting some training.
Jack Daniels: Who me? Oh no. Fact is this drunken bastard could whoop everyone’s ass in here any day of the week and twice on Sunday. But Jack Daniels ain’t here for that.
Will: Oh I see. I notice you got a camera here with you.
Jack Daniels: Oh ya see, I got this opponent this week that’s still wearin’ diapers if ya catch my drift. So I figured a lesson or two wouldn’t hurt cuz I can’t be carryin’ his sorry ass all over the ring for the whole damn match. I mean Jack Daniels may be the Whole Drunken Show, but he can’t work fuckin’ miracles.
Will: Ah, completely understandable. Feel free to sit in and watch. And if you have any questions or seeing how you know your way around the ropes, feel free to step in and help out.
Jack Daniels: Let me put the final touches on yet ‘nother drunken promo and maybe this drunken bastard will show all of ya just how it’s done.
(The instructor walks back to the ring where his students are training as Daniels takes a swig from his bottle of Old No.7. Daniels looks back into the camera and continues speaking…)
Jack Daniels: Ya see Storm, if ya stop and think ‘bout it, your career here in the NEWF is nuttin’ but a fluke. Ya pulled a few big wins out your ass ‘gainst guys like Hailey and Canuck and Chip Masters. But ya fail to see the facts behind each of these so called career wins. With Hailey, well let’s just say if it wasn’t for that little guest appearance from Haywood, ya wouldn’t have heard the ref count 1..2…3 cuz your ass would have been knocked out. Canuck…your boot was a little too big for your foot, so ya decided to fill up that extra space with a nice chain that was introduced to Canuck’s head, while the ref was a takin’ a nap after ya insisted he should. And with the Chipper…does it even matter how? Chip was on his way out the very next week and we all knew that. Now don’t let these "career" victories mislead ya into thinkin’ that you’re some sort of rookie sensation or even ready to take on Jack Daniels. Cuz the fact of the matter is you’re far from it. Ya know that ladder of success that everyone is always talkin’ ‘bout ‘round here? Well to put things in perspective for ya Jon-Jon, right now, you’re at ‘bout the first or second rung and ya still got a long way until ya reach the top, or Jack Daniels for that matter. If ya thought your life changin’ in three weeks was somethin’ Jonny, then ya ain’t see nuttin’ yet cuz once ya step in that drunken ring and go one on one with The Drunk One, you’re never…ever gonna be the same ‘gain Johnny.
And come Tuesday morning, when ya wake up with that FUCKIN’ HANGOVER…you’re gonna regret the day that ya ever fucked with Jack Daniels. And this drunken bastard is not just gonna hand ya a round of Jack Daniels. He’s gonna serve ya up so damn much that you’re gonna drown in it. So don’t forget to bring yourself a life jacket and to say your little prayers the night ‘fore. No not for this drunken bastard to take it easy on ya, but for a FUCKIN’ MIRACLE…that ya walk outta that arena on your own two feet.
Till then…BITCH!
Now let’s go show these bastards how it’s done…
(Daniels turns and heads towards the ring where allt he other students and instructors are as the scene fades to black…)