TME...the greatest thing since sliced bread??? I think NOT!
TME...the greatest thing since sliced bread??? I think NOT!
(The scene opens, and we find ourselves in Charlotte North Carolina. What could we be doing here? Well just sit back and relax and you’ll find out soon enough. Actually, you’re about to find out sooner than you think. The camera focuses in, and can someone tell us why we are standing outside of the Wonder Bread Headquarters? Ah, I know who can tell us what’s going on around here. How about Jack Daniels? I mean, he’s standing right here in front of a regional Wonder Bread Headquarters, maybe he can fill us in as he takes himself one of his trademark swigs from his bottle of Old No.7 and then begins speaking…)
Jack Daniels: Well…well…oh fuckin’ well. Now I bet all ya drunkaholics at home are wonderin’ "just what in the hell is Jack Daniels doin’ here?" Well now, just sit back, grabs yourselves a nice bottle of Ol’ No.7 (holds up his bottle)…open it up (opens his bottle)…take yourselves a nice swig (takes one of his trademark swigs)…and relax, cuz this drunken bastard is gonna get to that in due time. Ya see, just last week Jack Daniels was out here sayin’ he was gonna whoop Spencer’s ass…and when Shockwave rolled ‘round, he did just that qualifyin’ his drunken ass for the finals of this Heavyweight Title tournament of sorts, this Sunday at Boston Massacre. And let’s not forget some jackass that cheated his way into the finals since the second his pen touched an NEWF contract, and this jackass’ name just so happens to be The Main Event. Which brings me to why this drunken bastard is standing out here in front of Wonder Bread. Ya see, TME fills his head up lies and crap when he tells everyone, especially himself, that he’s the "greatest thing since sliced bread". Well, we’re just gonna have to investigate that little case and see what this drunken jury finds him. So why don’t head inside these headquarters first and get to the bottom of this.
Ya know TME, Jack Daniels always thought that condoms were the greatest thing since sliced bread. But that theory was proved wrong the day your old man impregnated your mama. Then this drunken bastard thought that SUVs were the greatest thing since sliced bread. But that theory has yet to be proven cuz one of ‘em sunuva bitches have yet to hit your sorry ass and put ya outta your misery. And now, now ya say that ya, The Main Event, is thee greatest thing since sliced bread. I hate to rain on your parade bitch, but that has yet to be proven as well. Ah, here we are…
(Daniels walks up to the front entrance and opens the door. He walks in and is greeted by a receptionist.)
Receptionist: May I help you sir?
Jack Daniels: Yeah, ya can grab this drunken bastard ‘nother bottle of Ol’ No.7. (Daniels takes the last swig from his and tosses the bottle aside once finished)
Receptionist: No no, can I help you. I mean are you looking for a job or would you like a tour of the place, or have a meeting with someone?
Jack Daniels: Actually, I just have a question. I need to know what the greatest thing since sliced bread is…
Receptionist: Hmm, sounds like you need the tour with the history of Wonder Bread.
Jack Daniels: No…no this drunken bastard doesn’t need a tour of anythin’. All he needs to know is what the greatest thing since sliced bread is.
Receptionist: Sounds like maybe you should talk with some higher ups about a job here.
(Too late cuz the receptionist is already on the phone talking to someone about Daniels getting a job here. After a moment she hangs up the phone and directs Daniels…)
Receptionist: Down the hall, third door on the right. Mr. Wonder will see you.
Jack Daniels: Mr. Wonder?
(Daniels walks down the hall and walks into the third room on the right. He enters the office which is filled with pictures and newspaper articles, all about Wonder Bread. A large, leather swivel chair turns around and there is Mr. Wonder…)
Mr. Wonder: Well hello there. The receptionist down there tells me you’re interested in a job here at Wonder Bread.
Jack Daniels: Actually, all this drunken bastard has is one question…
Mr. Wonder: I know…I know what you want to know…
Jack Daniels: Finally, someone here is listenin’.
Mr. Wonder: Your salary will be based on how you score on our preliminary exam. However, all benefits and medical plans will apply to you.
Jack Daniels: Who gives a rat’s ass ‘bout salary and benefits.
Mr. Wonder: Are you saying you would like to volunteer your time?
Jack Daniels: Volunteer, hell no. Look Wonder jackass, all this drunken bastard has got is one question and all he wants is an answer. What is the greatest thing since sliced bread?
Mr. Wonder: The greatest thing since sliced bread? Well gee, to be quite honest, I don’t think there HAS been anything as great as sliced bread since its inception in 1921. You see since 1921, we here at Wonder bread have always made our products with pride. Let me give you the tour. It all started…
(Mr. Wonder and Daniels walk out of the office. Mr. Wonder walks one way and Daniels simply goes another. Mr. Wonder has no clue Daniels has bailed, so he is still going on and on and no one but the walls are listening. Daniels walks out of the Headquarters as he begins speaking…)
Jack Daniels: Damn, all these Wonder Bread bastards wanna do is give ya a damn tour of the fuckin’ place. Hell, I wasted all my drunken time on this stupid place and they don’t even answer my damn question. But that’s quite alright, cuz this drunken bastard can answer the question for ya himself. Ya see TME, it’s rather quite simple. Ya ain’t the greatest thing since sliced bread…ya ain’t all that…plain and simple, ya ain’t JACK SHIT! Now what’s it gonna take for ya to get that through your thick skull TME? Does Jack Daniels have to sit here and explain to ya just why ya ABSOLUTELY SUCK?! Or does he have to step in that squared circle and mop the floor with your pathetic ass? Hell, it must be your lucky day bitch, cuz you’re gonna get both…two for the price of one. First the verbal beatdown, and then if you’re still not convinced, this drunken bastard will just have to hand ya your ass come Sunday night.
Ya see TME, Jack Daniels heard ya askin’ for this and askin’ for that over the past few weeks. But ya can’t always get what ya want. Ya wanted an all Canadian final between ya and Spencer, but ya didn’t get that little wish cuz Jack Daniels had somethin’ to say ‘bout that. And ya know how ya want that Heavyweight Title ‘round your pathetic waist? Well guess fuckin’ what TME? You’re not gonna get this little wish either cuz this drunken bastard has somethin’ to say ‘bout that. Since day one, ya have been preachin’ how you’re the shit ‘round here. How ya are gonna end up Heavyweight Champ and lead the NEWF into a new era. Well, ya got your chance right in front of ya Sunday night. But ya only got one problem standin’ in your way…actually, ya got two problems. Number one bein’ this drunken bastard…and number two…your fuckin’ ego. Ya see, ya claim this and that and think ya intimidate the world. But what it all boils down to is that your full of shit. Yeah, ya have made it to the finals like ya said ya would. But how ya made it here is what makes Jack Daniels and everyone else think twice. Let’s take a look back, shall we…
5 Weeks Ago: Ya lose your first match in the NEWF to Cameron Black.
4 Week Ago: Ya beat Sean Boden, but ya beat him with the help of your new little Canadian butt buddy, Spencer Barrington. Ya actually needed the assistance from Spencer to beat Boden, pretty damn pathetic if ya ask The Drunk One.
3 Weeks Ago: Ya beat Grady Smith, someone Jack Daniels has disposed of plenty of times. But ya beat him with just a little help from none other than Spencer Barrington. Again, ya need the help from Spencer to beat a fossil like Grady Smith, once ‘gain, pretty damn pathetic if ya ask this drunken bastard.
2 Weeks Ago: Ya beat Matt Hoffman, once ‘gain with the help from, guess who…Amanda Barrington. Now correct me if I’m wrong, but I see somethin’ similar here week in and week out. Hmm…I wonder what it could be?
Last Week: Ya beat Grady Smith and Cameron Black, with once ‘gain the help from who else, but Spencer Barrington. Ya see a pattern formin’ here?
Well, if ya haven’t by now ya should be smacked upside your dense head a few times. Ya see, after the first week when he lost to Black, he realized he won’t be able to cut it by himself. He realized that he won’t be able to go nowhere without cheatin’ his way to the top. So hell, the bastard grabbed one of his Canadian jackass buddies, and decided to use him to get himself to the top of the world. Nice little plan ya got there TME, but let this drunken bastard fill ya in on a little somethin’. It ain’t gonna work…no, not as long as Jack Daniels has got somethin’ to say ‘bout it. Face it TME, ya can’t cut it by yourself. Ya can’t cut it in the ring like ya used to. But your inflated ego thinks otherwise. Well, it’s ‘bout time that someone deflates your head of all that hot air and brings ya back into reality, cuz TME, ya not only will need the help from Spencer to win this title match at Boston Massacre…ya’ll need a FUCKIN’ MIRACLE!
Ya see TME, each and every week Jack Daniels has come out here and busted his drunken ass to get to the point he’s out right now. He’s gone up against the best and he’s beaten the best. And no, not with the help of some little piece of shit that clings to your ass like a Mexican on the back of a landscaping truck. Jack Daniels got here to this point cuz he has three things that ya’ll never…eeeever have. This drunken bastard has got heart. Somethin’ which ya obviously don’t. This drunken bastard has got balls. ‘Gain, somethin’ which ya don’t have, so I hear from Spencer. And third…this drunken bastard has got determination. And ya…well you’re gonna have a size thirteen boot stuck up your ass when Sunday night is all said and done TME. Ya know, it’s quite interestin’ how TME could never get the job done. Wait, not the right wordin’ there cuz he always gets the JOB done. It’s quite interestin’ how TME could never get over that hump. Sure, the bastard has won his share of titles, but just take a look at ‘em titles. There all from some piece of shit fed that no one in this world has heard of. I’m sorry TME, but winnin’ titles from feds filled with Joe Lemons and Serpent Men doesn’t count in my drunken book. But aside from all of that, the fact is that TME could never beat the big names in this business. He couldn’t go toe to toe with the likes of the SmirtDoggs and the Haywoods ‘round here. But guess who has? Yeah that’s right, Jack Daniels has. He has beaten those elite names on more occasions than they would like to remember. Ya see, Jack Daniels has been down this road ‘fore, so it’s nuttin’ new to him. He has gotten over the hump time and time ‘gain. So that means all the pressure is on ya bitch. Ya have to prove yourself here, not Jack Daniels. Ya have to do somethin’ that ya have never done ‘fore in this circuit, and that’s get over that hump.
Ya know TME, ya claim that you’re the "greatest thing since sliced bread". But that obviously can’t be true with the given facts that Jack Daniels has just laid out for ya. What it all comes down to is that you’re nuttin’ but a cheatin’, pathetic bastard that just can’t admit the fact that he can’t win a match without some sort of screwjob. And ya know TME, when Boston Massacre is all said and done…when all the smoke has cleared…when the last drop of liquor touch these drunken lips…and when this drunken bastard’s arm is raised in victory…ya will be able to admit that…
Till then…MOTHERFUCKER!
(And with that said, Daniels turns away from the Wonder Bread Headquarters and walks away as the scene fades to black…)