(The scene opens to a beautiful sunny day. We get an aerial view of a rather large parking lot of some large shopping center, which is fairly packed with cars and people. But what are we doing at a shopping center? We cut to a ground level shot and look there…it’s your NEWF Heavyweight Champion, Jack Daniels. Looks like Daniels is going shopping. Hell, he must be out of Old No.7, cuz we all know that drunken bastard doesn’t shop for anything else but that. And he must be prepared to wipe out the store, cuz Daniels is pushing a shopping cart into the store. Why don’t we find out what’s going on here. Daniels begins speaking…)
Jack Daniels: ‘Nother one bites the dust. Yeah that’s right, ‘nother challenger to my title, and ‘nother ass has hit the canvas long ‘nuff for the ref’s hand to hit the mat three consecutive times. And the latest victim, Bazooka Joe. He had the most to gain here, but he couldn’t step up for the challenge. He could have made a name for himself, but he failed. Just like every other sorry bastard that has tried to put these drunken shoulders down for three seconds, whether it be for the title or not. Which brings me to this week’s sorry sunuva bitch that’s gonna have his ass handed to him in a paper bag, William "Wicked Witch" of the West. Which also bring me to why Jack Daniels is standing here on the outside of this shopping center. Ya see, my match with West in a non-title match, rightfully so. So seein’ that the sorry bastard is only gonna get an ass whoopen and a half courtesy of this drunken bastard, Jack Daniels decided to go out and do a little shoppin’ for him. Ya see, Will said don’t be surprised if we see him one day fightin’ for the title. Well Will, ya don’t deserve a title shot…not by a fuckin’ longshot. So this drunken bastard decided to go out and get ya what ya need to become that number one contender to the most coveted prize in this industry today…the NEWF Heavyweight Title. So follow this drunken bastard inside while we go on a shoppin’ spree and make a NEWF superstar.
(Daniels pushes the cart and walks into the large Walmart type store. Daniels tries to spot out what he’s looking for but he doesn’t so Daniels just takes off and heads in a direction as he pushes the shopping cart.)
Now one has got to think to himself and ask, now what makes a NEWF superstar? One might think a bottle of liquor and a Tennessee accent. But that’s where ya are wrong. That’s no superstar…that’s legendary status. But let’s just take it one step at a time here West. Now the first thing that comes to mind is a good gimmick. And by the looks of it Will, that’s where you’re runnin’ into a problem…a huge problem. I mean take a look at yourself Will. Do ya even know what you’re doin’…what your purpose is? I mean the one minute you’re runnin’ ‘round stickin’ people with needles and then the next, you’re callin’ yourself "Would Be Savior"? I don’t get it Will, and it’s not just the liquor that’s makin’ this drunken bastard not see it. What ya could save us from Will, is your pathetic attempt to get over and your pathetic attempts at interviews. So what do ya do for a new gimmick? Hmmm…I got an idea that could hit big…well at least bigger than the one ya got yourself mixed up in now. (Daniels spots an employee stocking the shelves and walks over to them to ask them a question) Umm, excuse me…where are household cleansers and that kinda stuff?
Employee: Three aisles over.
(Daniels walks to the end of the aisle, makes a right and walks over three aisles before turning down another aisle. Daniels walks down about halfway until he sees what he’s looking for and then continues speaking…)
Jack Daniels: Ya see Will, somethin’ came to mind when I made that little crack ‘bout your name. Ya can drop the Would Be Savior and incorporate your last name, West, into your gimmick. Confused already Will? Then here, maybe this will help ya clear things up. (Daniels reaches and grabs a…broom? He extends his arm as if to offer the broom to someone.) Ya see, ya can be Will "The Wicked Witch of the West". Think ‘about it Will, ya got a niche as far as a gimmick is concerned. There’s no other witches ridin’ brooms to the ring out there. I mean ya already got the big ass nose and warts all over your ugly mug. All ya need is a big hat and your set. It’s gold Willie…gold. Or if ya ain’t down with the whole Witch gimmick, don’t sweat it Will, cuz this drunken bastard has got ‘nother one for ya. Hell, ya can keep the broom, but ya can also carry ‘round this here… (Daniels picks up a bucket and then some plastic bottles of different types of liquid soap, and detergent and a sponge in puts them in the bucket). Shit, ya can be Mr. Clean. All ya gotta do is shave your head. Think ‘bout it, ya can walk ‘round and start cleanin’ up the NEWF from the foul mouthed, bad influences on society. Now there, you’re sure to be a big hit. And even if you’re not, it’ll get ya places that your current gimmick will never come within a hundred feet of. Either way Will, you’re a winner in the fact that ya do the fans a favor and stop borin’ ‘em half to fuckin’ death…and ya do yourself a favor by takin’ your career somewhere it has never been…to that second rung on that ladder of success. So let’s just put all of these in this here shoppin’ cart, and which ever one ya decide to use, well it’s right here waitin’ for ya.
Now that we got ya a gimmick, the next important thing in becomin’ a superstar is talent and skill. Now Jack Daniels realizes the fact that ya ain’t got neither of the two. So this drunken bastard will do his damn best to get ya the best trainin’ ‘round. (Daniels gets behind the cart and pushes it along as he walks throughout the store) Now Jack Daniels knows that ya got all your trainin’ from a crappy videotape for $19.95. Now this drunken bastard has got more bang for your buck, and no it’s not The Best of Backyard Wrestling either. (Daniels spots another employee stocking up some shelves…) Excuse me, where do you keep video tapes and DVDs?
Employee: Other side of the store, in the corner.
(Daniels gets behind the cart and heads off to the other side of the store. As he’s going along, Daniels continues to reveal his secrets in becoming a wrestling superstar…)
Jack Daniels: Ya see, this drunken bastard ain’t sayin’ ya won’t learn anythin’ from The Best of Backyard Wrestling. Hell, ‘em bastards teach ya how to swing a chair and how to set up a table and all that good stuff. But the fact of the matter is, they don’t teach ya one single ’rasslin’ move. Not one technical move what-so-fuckin’-ever. But this one that Jack Daniels has in mind…it sure as hell to teach ya all the basics ya need, and then some. Ya might have your doubts ‘bout it Will, but trust this drunken bastard. (Daniels reaches the entertainment area as he is surrounded by thousands of videotapes and hundreds of DVDs.) Ah here it is. Now this here is sure to teach ya a thing or two. (Daniels picks up the tape and shows it to the camera. Wait, is that…Barney?!) Ya got it…Barney’s Special Workout Video. This big, purple, fun-lovin’ sunuva bitch is sure to teach ya a few things, especially the basics which ya obviously have no grasp of. Oh and Will, be careful of Barney, cuz ‘fore ya know it, ya’ll be just fun-lovin’ as he is, singin’ his special song at the end. Hell, there’s ‘nother gimmick idea for ya…a big purple, fun-lovin’ dinosaur, that likes to show his love for everyone, especially small children…
Now Jack Daniels got ya a new gimmick and a trainin’ video. The rest is up to ya Will. This drunken bastard ain’t gonna make it that easy for ya. Oh hell no, he ain’t gonna make it that easy for ya. Ya see, there’s a lot more in becomin’ a superstar. Ya gotta have the right look, the right gimmick, the talent…the skill, the personality. But most importantly, ya gotta know it for yourself. Ya gotta feel it inside that ya are a superstar. Does Jack Daniels feel that? Actually he doesn’t…and do ya know why? Cuz this drunken bastard ain’t no superstar…not by a fuckin’ longshot. Jack Daniels is a fuckin’ livin’ legend. He’s levels ‘bove ya Will, and it’ll take ya light years ‘fore ya can even come close to what Jack Daniels is. That’s the simple reality to this Will, and Jack Daniels is just layin’ it out for ya cuz after Monday night is all said and done, ya aren’t let down when ya don’t beat this drunken bastard and when ya realize that ya will never get anywhere as long as ya run ‘round claimin’ to be some sort of savior to somethin’ that ya don’t even know yet.
Ya see Will, you’re wrong. You’re wrong when ya seem to believe that it was ya and this drunken bastard in the ring once ‘fore. You’re wrong when ya seem to believe that it was ya and this drunken bastard on the top of the Grabd Fuckin’ Canyon. Jack Daniels was there…but ya weren’t Will. No, that wasn’t ya…that was Lunatikk Crippler. Will and Crippler are two completely different people. Ya see, the Crip was himself. He was his own lunatic, no pun intended, self. He wasn’t tryin’ to be someone he’s not. He wasn’t pretendin’ to be someone he’s not. That’s what made Crippler so damn good and so fuckin’ convincin’, cuz it was just an extension of your real life. And that’s the best gimmick ya can have Will, it can’t get anymore seamless than that. That’s why all the drunkaholics out there believe in this drunken bastard. That’s why I have sixteen pounds of gold ‘round this drunken waist. Cuz this is just an extension of my real drunken life. I ain’t tryin’ to be someone that I’m not. What ya see is what ya get. Don’t try and be someone you’re not Will. It obviously ain’t workin’ and no one is buyin’ it for one single solitary second.
(Daniels walks up to the checkout counter and is ready to pay for Will’s new gimmicks. HE empties the contents of the shopping cart onto the counter and the cashier speaks…)
Cashier: Will there be anything else for you today sir?
Jack Daniels: Actually yeah…two more things. First, this drunken bastard needs a bottle of Ol’ No.7. Damn I can’t believe I cut an entire promo without takin’ a swig.
Cashier: Sure thing. (picks up the phone and presses a button so she canbe heard on the store’s PA system) Attention liquor department…I need a bottle of Old No.7 at register number 4 ASAP. Thank you. What else sir?
Jack Daniels: Well ya see, I’m tryin’ to help out this old friend of mine. See, he’s tryin’ to be someone he’s obviously not, and it quite ain’t workin’ out. So as long as he won’t realize this, I figured I would be the good drunken bastard that I am and try and help him out. I mean I got him a couple of killer gimmicks right here, and an awesome trainin’ tape. But there’s one more thing I need to get him for our match this Monday night, and Jack Daniels wasn’t quite sure which aisle it was in…hell, he wasn’t even sure if ya guys sold it or not.
Cashier: And what might that be sir?
Jack Daniels: Well Jack Daniels realized just one more thing that Will is gonna need, not only to beat this drunken bastard Monday night, but to also be successful down the road. And that’s a FUCKIN’ MIRACLE! What aisle could I find that in?
Cashier: Oh, I’m sorry sir, but we don’t sell that.
Jack Daniels: Oh, I see…
Cashier: But you might want to try the church down the street. I hear they can sometimes help if you go there and get down on your knees and ask them for it.
Jack Daniels: Well, who would this drunken bastard ask?
Cashier: Well, I’m not really sure. You just kinda have to talk to an imaginary person. He’s not really there…but in a sense, he is. Will there be anything else for you sir?
Jack Daniels: No…that’ll do it.
Cashier: Will that be cash or charge sir?
Jack Daniels: (reaches down into his wallet and pulls out a credit card) American Express…never leave home without it.
(Daniels pays for his purchase and walks out of the store. As soon as he walks out, he reaches into one of the bags and grabs the bottle of Old No.7. He opens it up and takes one of his trademark swigs. C’mon, you didn’t think the drunken bastard would cut a promo without takin’ at least one swig from his bottle of liquor, now did ya? Anyway, Daniels wipes his mouth and continues speaking…)
Jack Daniels: Now Will, you’re wrong with just one more thing here. Ya see, Jack Daniels doesn’t have to prove ya wrong. Nah, ya see, this drunken bastard has been provin’ all the non-drunkaholics and every man on that roster wrong for the past two months. Everyone thought my title win over TME was a fluke…a string of luck. But for the past two months, Jack Daniels has taken out every sorry bastard that has stepped up and not only tried to take away my title, but take away my pride. And ya know what, no one has been successful yet. And that makes ya no exception Willie. No, instead you’re gonna have to prove Jack Daniels wrong and show this drunken bastard that ya can handle a round of Jack Daniels. Now Lunatikk Crippler, I would say had a chance to do so. But ya Willie…ya don’t STAND A FUCKIN’ CHANCE!
Till then…BITCH!
(Daniels takes himself another one of his trademark swigs as he walks into the parking lot and the scene fades to black…)