(The scene opens to one of those days where you just hvae to get up and get out of the house. The sun is out, the birds are chirpping and we got ourselves a camera crew, so what the hell...let's cut a promo like we used to in the good old days. We find ourselves in front of a large federal building, more specifically a Federal Courthouse. What could we be doing at a courthouse? Well, why don't we just find out? How do ya ask? How about asking our tour guide standing right over there... Jack Daniels. Daniels is standing on the steps of the courthouse as he looks at the address on the building to make sure he's got the right one. Daniels spots the camera and begins speaking...)
Jack Daniels: Justice. It's the one simple thing that everyone looks for and wants when they have been screwed. And ya can include Jack Daniels in that list. Ya see, just this past Sunday, Jack Daniels walked into Foxboro Stadium as the NEWF World Heavyweight Champion. And when Sunday night was all said and done, Jack Daniels just left Foxboro Stadium sixteen pounds lighter. And of all the people, the one who took that sixteen pounds of gold and claimed it as his, was none other than Grady Smith. Now ya see, Jack Daniels wouldn't have had a problem droppin' the title to Hailey's criminal ass, cuz quite frankly he holds an ounce more of talent than Grady, which isn't a howle lot to begin with. But Grady? Losin' the most wanted prize in this industry to Grady not only makes me want to turn 'round and puke...it not only makes me want to fuckin' kill myself for bein' represented by such a fossiled jackass...but it makes me want to whoop his old pathetic ass just that much more. And ya better believe that Jack Daniels will do just that come Monday night.
Now don't think for one single solitary second that Jack Daniels actually came here to this courthouse today to take action 'gainst such a travesty to the rasslin' world as handin' Grady Smith the NEWF or NPWA or whatver fuckin' title ya wanna call it. Oh no, cuz I realize there ain't nuttin' that I can say or do to change that fact. So instead, Jack Daniels thinks 'head...he thinks to the future. And the way he sees it, Jack Daniels has got hismelf a title match this Monday night. And as all of ya history buffs and marks out there know, this ain't quite the first meetin' between Grady Smith and Jack Daniels. As a matter of fact, they should start documentin' our matches just like the do the Super Bowls cuz quite frankly, we're right 'round the same number of Super Bowls that have been played, if not more. So the question comes up..."Just who is better?" Ya see, even the documentation of each Jack Daniels and Grady Smith classic can't provide us with a clear cut answer. Well quite honestly I come up with a clear cut answer of Jack Daniels. But seein' as how Grady is probably the last person on this earth that would take my word for anything, this drunken bastard figured he'd take a higher authoritie's word. (Daniels looks down at his watch) One o'clock already? We better get inside cuz our case is just 'bout to get started, and who better than someone who actually knows all 'bout the squared circle to judge this case.
(Daniels walks up the remaining steps of the courthouse and walks in the front door which is provided with a metal detector and a couple of security guards. Daniels gets by with ease and heads down a hallway before approaching a large double wooden door that read "Room 2". Daniels opens the door and walks into a quite filled courtroom. Daniels walks by the spectators and sits in a chair on the plaintiff's side. Daniels sits alone on his side. The camera pans theroom and we see a panel of jurors sitting off to the side, just your normal everyday jurors. The camera cuts over to the defendant's side and sitting in a chair behind a table there is a short, fat, ugly looking bald man, wearing an obvious toupee, rummaging through some papers. Suddenly the baliff walks into the room and speaks...)
Baliff: Ladies and gentlemen of the courtroom, please rise as the honorable Judge Mills Lane takes the stand.
(WHAT?! MILLS LANE?! We're in Judge Mills Lane courtroom, and there he is...Mills La...err..Judge Mills Lane himself. He walks into the courtroom and sits down in his chair as does everyone else in the courtroom. Judge Lane begins speaking...)
Judge Mills Lane: Will the plaintiff's side please begin with their opening statement.
Jack Daniels: Well your honor, I will be representin' Jack Daniels.
Judge Mills Lane: Well where's Jack Daniels?
Jack Daniels: He's right here.
Judge Mills Lane: Where...I don't see him?
Jack Daniels: Let me rephrase that for ya. I'll be representin' myself in this case Judge Lane and not only is this drunken bastard gonna make his opening statement right now, he's gonna get right down into this. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, for quite a few years now, the rasslin' world has been insulted, bored and tortured each and every time Grady Smith has set foot in the ring. As a matter of fact, Grady Smith has had such a negative impact on the rasslin' industry, he's actually reversin' the progress the industry has made over the years. He lowers fan interest and gate attendance. Here, I provide ya with Exhibit A. A short tape shwoin' ya just what kind of negative impact the sorry bastard has had.
Judge Mills Lane: Now before you show your little tape here Mr. Daniels, you will watch your language in my courtroom and you'll address me with respect, or I'll have to hold you in contempt of court.
Jack Daniels: Aw c'mon Mills, don't ya see? That's my gimmick. Just like your gimmick is the down to business, in control of situations with that southern accent, livin' your job and your gimmick. As for respect, I respect how ya like to sit 'round, watch and yell at guys for hittin' each other in their family jewels.
(Judge Lane simply grins at Daniels comments as he lets them go. a television is rolled in on a stand and a tape is inserted. The play button is pushed and now the camera focuses on the tv screen. We see an arena, packed to the gills with fans going ballistic just as a match has ended. Suddenly, some music is heard but not very clearly. The volume is turned up and it turns out to be rather familiar music. Wait, that's "Dogs of War" by Pink Floyd. And look at the crowd, they must know exactly who it is because all of a sudden, more than half the arena begins heading for the exits. Wait, look it's Grady Smith coming down the entrance ramp and into the ring, but there's barely anyone left in the arena. The video package quickly fades to black as the stop button on the vcr is pressed and Daniels speaks again...)
Jack Daniels: Ya see what happened there? The crowd is full of energy after a great openin' match and as soon as Grady's music hit, the arena emptied. No one cares to watch him...look at him...or listen to him. Hell, instead the fans headed for the exists to either take a piss, grab a cold beer, or as most of them do, go to the vendors' tables and buy themselves some Jack Daniels merchandise 'fore it sells out. And this isn't just on every night people. This happens each and every card that Grady is booked for. Hell, I could sit here and show ya each and every match he has had and ya will see for yourselves. But one, I'm not tryin' to make this as long as the O.J. trial and two...I really don't think cameras were invented back in Grady's early rasslin' days. Now that piece of evidence speaks for itself. Grady is a strain on the rasslin' industry and always has been, but for some unexplainable reason, fed heads just keep on hirin' him and bookin' him. I can't figure it out, maybe we should call Fox Mulder and Agent Scully to figure out this case.
Voice: I OBJECT YOUR HONOR!
(The short, fat, bald, ugly looking guy on the defendant's side stands up and yas just yelled out the I object. If he's on the defendant's side, he's got to be representing Grady Smith.)
Grady's Lawyer: As Mr. Smith's attorney, I object to that last statement. Fox Mulder and Agent Scully are in no way affiliated with this case and therefore should not be even mentioned.
Jack Daniels: Hey jackass, relax...it was just a joke. I see grady paid top notch doller for your fat ass. Where did you get your degree from, the back of a book of matches?
Judge Mills Lane: Alright Mr. Daniels, that's enough. If you don't have any further arguments, then I'll let Mr. whatever his name is over here plead his case.
Jack Daniels: Like hell I don't. Ya see Judge Lane and people of the jury...Jack Daniels and Granny Smith have had encounters with each other numerous times. And ya know, the fact that Jack Daniels has whooped his ass numerous time 'fore doesn't even factor in this case here cuz that was then and this is now. We're livin' in the present and lookin' forward to the future...not the past. And when ya think 'bout the future, ya gotta stop and ask, "Do ya really want Grady representin' each and every sunuvabitch in the rasslin' industry?" "Do ya want Grady to signify the future of this business?" Now if the answer no doesn't hit ya quicker than a Roger Clemens fastball, then ya got problems. And I'll tell ya why ya got problems. Cuz if ya think for one single solitary second that Grady is the future of the NPWA or the industry as a whole together, then it's quite obvious that you're a Grady mark. And that's 'bout the last thing ya wanna be. Hell, ya would probably be better off dead than being a Grady mark. And let me tell ya just why. Ya see, Grady is like a parasite. He finds something or someone for this matter, and clings onto it like white on rice. For example, Hailey. Look at how he just stood behind the sorry bastard, kissed his ass till he led him to gold, not once but TWICE already. And let's not forget 'bout how he used and abused Hailey's own younger brother Smirt. I still think I see some of Smirt's ass hairs right 'bove Grady's upper lip. And besides all of that, think 'bout what you'd have to put up with. No no...ya don't have to think believe it or not. Here...i'll show ya.
(Daniels askes the baliff to turn on the tv again and he does. He presses the play button and suddenly an image pops up on the television screen. We two kids walking down the street, and look, they're wearing Grady Smith T-Shirts. Damn, I didn't even know they had those around. I thought they were only used for toilet paper now since so many went unsold. Anyhow, suddenly, a group of people surround the two kids and begin making fun of them. Making fun of them quickly becomes pushing and pushing quickly becomes fighting. The two Grady marks hit the concrete and hit it hard as the other group of kids leave them laying in a bloody mess. Look, one of the kids even had the audacity to spray paint a huge "X" over the kids Grady T-Shirt. Serves him right...)
Jack Daniels: I think ya get the picture. Just 'nother mark...I don't think so. And quite frankly, I don't think Grady should be allowed to embarras his pathetic self in the ring each and every week, let alone be the champion of a fed whose name he doesn't even know. All he knows is that he's got a title with some letters on it tellin' him he's the best. But that's where he's wrong. Cuz the fact of the matter is he ain't. Hell, I ain't sayin' Jack Daniels is the best, although he most likely is...but I deserve that title a helluva lot more than that sorry piece of...(Judge Lane gives Daniels a stern look as if to know what he's about to say) monkey waste. I can bring in witness upon witness and turn this into the Puff Daddy or P. Diddy or whatever his name is, trial. But the fact is our match is this Monday night, and Grady just might not be physically capable of attendin' or even comprehendin' this here trial. And the fact is I could go on and on for days at a time tellin' ya just why Jack Daniels is that much better..wait excuse me. Tellin' ya just why Jack Daniels is a helluva lot better than Grady Smith whether it be fightin' in the squared circle or verbally tearin' someone a new rectal openin' when I cut a promo. The facts in this case are known. Jack Daniels: 21-time champion in just under 3 years, as compared to grady Smith: 15-time champion in just under...hmmm, when was the Stone Age 'gain? Well, let's just say since the Stone Age. Jack Daniels: 2-time NEWF Heavyweight Champion, includin' the longest title reign in the fed's history. Grady Smith: also 2-time NEWF Ass kissin' Champion, includin' the longest ass kissin' session in the fed's history.
Judge Mills Lane: Alright, that's enough for today. Court is adjourned for today and we'll continue with round 2 tomorrow. And you better believe that when tomorrow comes, we're gonna GET IT ON!
(And with that, Judge Lane bangs his gavel and adjourns court for the today, where we'll resume tomorrow with Day Two of the trial of the Best...Scene fades...)