(The scene opens and we are provided with an aerial shot of a large ballpark. Upon closer inspection, we realize that it is none other than Fenway Park. The shot cuts to one of ground level and we realize we have cut in on a game in progress. The New York Yankees are in town and you better believe they sold out Fenway as these division rivals go at it. Anyhow, we find ourselves in the first few rows of seats by the first base side. As the camera pans the area, we notice a Yankee hat being sported in a crowd full of Boston hats. The camera zooms in to see just who this person is...and it's Jack Daniels. Daniels is sitting back enjoying the game, and why shouldn't he, the Yankees are winning and he's rubbing it in the Boston fans' faces...)
Jack Daniels: Yeah, what ya Boston motherfuckers got to say now huh? That's what I thought...SHADDUP! Ah, this is great...bein' the sole Yankee fan here in this area...playin' the role of the heel so to say. But maybe that quite isn't role that Jack Daniels should be playin' at this current time. Cuz ya see, this Saturday night, Jack Daniels has himself a match with none other than the siccest, sorriest, most hated motherfucker to set foot on God's green earth..."The Extreme Heel" Venom. Now it only makes sense that since everyone and their momma hates Venom, and I couldn't blame 'em one fuckin' bit for doin' so, maybe it's just fit for Jack Daniels to play the role of... what do they call it? Well, maybe I should just save FACE, and play the role of the good guy...the one everyone cheers for...the hero.
Fan: C'mon Pedro...strike that asshole Jeter out. Yo beerman...bring me some Vawdka naw. Bawston rules...yawh baby.
Jack Daniels: Damn Boston fans...they're the worst...the absolute worst. Can't even cut a fuckin' promo in this hell hole. Follow me jackass...
(Daniels signals for the cameraman to follow him as Daniels gets up from his seat and walks up some steps and through a door opening that brings him behind the seating in the park. Daniels is walking around trying to find a spot where there's some peace so he can cut his promo.)
Jack Daniels: Damn, can't go anywhere without these Boston suns a bitches eatin' bean soup and drinking Vodka like it was Viagra. Ah, this might be a good spot...
(Daniels comes up to a door that reads "Personnel Only". Daniels opens the door anyway and walks in. Wait a second, we're in the players' clubhouse. We see a lot of lockers, the open wooden type ones, an equipment room to the side and the shower and hot tub area in the back. Daniels walks in and continues speaking...)
Jack Daniels: Finally, some peace and fuckin' quiet. Now the fact that this here match is a baseball match couldn't be anymore perfect. Ya see Venom, we both have our issues to be pissed 'bout. And there ain't nuttin like bein' pissed, pickin' up a bat, swingin' with all your might...all your force, and connectin' hopefully with a human skull. And in this case, it's gonna be your skull Venom cuz Jack Daniels is pissed. But I ain't pissed just cuz I lost the Heavyweight Title at The Final Countdown. I ain't ppissed just cuz I failed to regain the Heavyweight Title just this past week. Ya see Venom, the anger that sits within Jack Daniels has been brewin' for some time now. It has heated up to a simmer, and it's 'bout to come to a boil. Ya see Venom, this goes way back, and ya know damn well where I'm goin' with this. Well tuff shit bitch...you're gonna have to shut your fuckin' hole for two seconds if that's possible, and listen to it 'gain and 'gain and 'gain. Think back to the days of the EWA Venom. Think back to how Jack Daniels and Venom used to run together and raise all sorts of hell. Think back to the bitches...to the liquor...and to the bitches, those were some good days. And those days could have continued, until ya decided to stick that dagger in my back and roll with your homies. Well to that I say fuck that and fuck ya Venom.
And while the EWA is at focus here...ya happen to remember how we left that bitch Venom? We left it out on top. We were runnin' the show. We were the ones everyone wanted a piece of. And we held the tag team titles. Then, just 'bout two weeks ago, the announcement came that the EWA was gonna open it's doors 'gain and welcome back all title holders. Well Jack Daniels was there...but where were ya? Jack Daniels was there to claim one half of his tag team titles...but where the fuck were ya Venom? Were ya too occupied up in some hotel room with 'nother one of your Vietnamese hookers? Were ya violatin' some young innoncent little bitch only to be called a rapist and be arrested? Were ya with your long time friend The Kaze cuttin' up fetuses like the good ol' days? Did ya even care? Or was it all of the 'bove? That's what I thought.
(Daniels walks around the clubhouse a bit and into the equipment room. Daniels picks up a baseball bat and lightly smacks it across his left palm a few times as he continues speaking...)
Jack Daniels: And as if all that wasn't 'nuff for your sorry ass, ya then went and set Jack Daniels and Armageddon up to those Dirty Fuckin' Retards. Whoop-te-fuckin'-doo Venom, ya pulled the swerve of the century. But where did it get ya, huh? I didn't see ya with the World Title, nor did I see ya at Disney World. I hope ya enjoyed it all while ya could, cuz the joke's over bitch. Reality has set in for ya when ya lost your Television Title just this past week to Michael Draven. And you're in for a harder dose of reality this week Venom. Ya might not have any titles to lose this time 'round, but what ya do have to lose are your teeth and brain cells after this bat repeatedly comes crashin' down 'cross your fuckin' skull. And ya better believe that Jack Daniels is gonna be swingin' the bat like McGwire swingin' for number 70.
Ya know Venom, I don't know what I saw in ya in the first place. Now that Jack Daniels takes a good look at ya and sees what you're all 'bout, he realizes that you're all talk and nuttin' else. Ya obviously took 'nuff lessons from Hailey over there and are now sufferin' from the same disorder as he is...diarrhea of the mouth. But the only difference with ya is that your shit stinks a helluva lot more than Hailey's does...as scary as that might sound. But let me ask ya somethin' Venom, how does it feel How does it feel for your career...for your life to be totally dependant on someone else? I'm sorry Venom, was that too articulate for your incoherent, ebonic speakin' ass? Let me rephrase that for ya bitch. How does it feel to kiss Hailey's ass and let him take your career to levels it's never been 'fore? Pretty damn good...doesn't it? Ya think you're gettin' plcaes now, but the fact of the matter is that it ain't gettin' ya nowhere. Kissin' that ass like it was milk chocolate ain't the answer to your problems Venom. The answer to your problems is Viagra bitch. Well that's what the hookers and strippers down the street told me earlier. And that's what that bitch Cassandra told me too. It's alright Venom, ya can admit it. And it all makes sense cuz they saythose whol like to constantly brag 'bout it, have somethin' to hide and in return, make themselves feel more confident 'bout it. The truth hurts...don't it Venom?
But it ain't gonna hurt more than this...
(Daniels grips the bat in his hands and WHAM! Daniels just swung and connected with a pole on a steel mesh fence seperating the equipment room from the rest of the clubhouse. Daniels looks back into the camera...)
Jack Daniels: Venom, ya can leave your Ford Excursion at home, cuz just in case ya didn't realize it just yet, this here is a baseball bat match...not a let's see who is a bigger pussy match and hop behind the wheel of an SUV and try and run people over so we look like big bad men when it's all said and done. Ya know Venom, that's how it's always been with ya. Ever since I have known ya it's been 'bout going way over the edge. It's been 'bout raisin' some eyebrows out there. It's been 'bout causin' controversy and a huge stir that may very well shake the foundation of a single federation. Well ya know Venom? As a special tribute to ya... just for ya Venom, Jack Daniels is gonna do just that. I'm gonna go overboard in this match here. I'm gonna pull out all the fuckin' stops necessary. I'm gonna cause so much fuckin' controversy, riots will break out in the Arlington Convention Center. Ya see Venom, after it's all said and done...all the dust has settled...all the blood has poured out...I'm gonna make your worst nightmares come true. After this lumber gets very well acquainted with your skull, I'm gonna have the fans hatin' Jack Daniels and at the same time, the fans will feel sympathy for ya Venom. Yeah I thought that would get your attention and scare the shit outta ya. But that's not what ya should be scared 'bout Venom. What ya should be fearin' is when Jack Daniels gets a hold of this wooden bat and begins swingin' for the fences. Cuz ya see, Jack Daniels ain't just gonna hit one outta the park come Sunday night. Oh no Venom...Jack Daniels is gonna be battin' a thousand cuz there ain't no way he can miss your big, over inflated, shallow head of yours.
(Daniels grabs three more bats, for a total of four and rests them up against his shoulder as he begins walking out of the clubhouse...)
Till Sunday night...MOTHERFUCKER!
(Scene fades to black...)