(The scene opens and we find ourselves in downtown Ennis, site of the highly anticipated upcoming events of the NPWA. The NPWA has been red hot as of late, and there's no cooling down period in sight. Well, maybe I spoke too early, cuz we specifically find ourselves outside of a local tavern, or bar if you will. The cameraman enters inside the bar to see there's a pretty good crowd of people in there. Some people engaging in a game of pool, some are throwing darts. Others try their luck at video poker and slot machines off in the corner. And then others, well they're just getting shitfaced up at the bar. Regardless, everyone is enjoying a nice cold beverage on this hot summer night. Including that man down at the end of the bar...Jack Daniels. Daniels has himself a glass in front of him...that's right a glass, surprisingly no bottle today...but you can rest assured that's some Old No.7 on the rocks. Anyway, the camera creeps in as Daniels turns and begins speaking...)
Jack Daniels: Ya know some people will tell ya different things. Some say it's all in the words...it's what ya say that demoralizes a human being. Other say it's in your actions...it's what ya do and how ya do it that demoralizes a human being. So what to do, right? Well ya see, that's the beauty in Jack Daniels...a little bit of both packed into this drunken bastard. And one shot of Jack Daniels is all it takes to get the job done. And that's the case with the sorry motherfucker that's gonna be int he opposite corner from Jack Daniels come Monday night...Venom.
Ya know, I don't know what it is between ya and me Venom. We're the same in some aspects, yet have differences in others. I drink Ol' No.7...a man's drink. Venom drinks Long Island Ice Teas and Shirley Temples...drinks that a 6 year old could handle more of. Venom is obsessed with how he looks in the ring and makes damn sure everythin' he does is all technical and by the book. Jack Daniels, he just lets it fly and makes damn sure the job is done and done effectively. Venom likes to take advantage of ugly, dirty, cheap crack whores while Jack Daniels takes advantage of happy hour at the local bar and taverns. The differences are quite obvious. The similarities are as well...we hate each other with a fuckin' passion.
(Daniels lifts his glass and takes a sip of his drink and then another before he continues speaking...)
Jack Daniels: But there's one thing Venom, that seperates me from ya. There's one thing that people see and immediately make judgement on Venom. Ya see, Venom likes to toot his own horn and talk up all the shit in the world. Shit Venom, have ya ever sat down and listened to yourself incoheretly ramble on and on and on like the fuckin' moron ya are? If ya haven't, then you're missin' out Venom, cuz it's quite the comical show. Not so much how ya talk and what ya do...that's a given. But it's what ya say. (Imitating Venom) "I’M THE GREATEST FUCKING TECHNICAL WRESTLER IN THE WORLD TODAY... I'M THE MOST DANGEROUS MAN IN WRESTLING...I’LL FUCKING BREAK YOU APART. I’LL FUCKING BUST YOU UP. I’LL FUCK YOU UP."(End of imitation) Holy bejesus Venom...can ya fit anymore "fucks" in there, cuz I don't think ya quite got 'nuff. A few more and ya'll beat the infamous record of Joe Pesci's fuck fest in Good Fellas. Might be quite an accomplishment for ya Venom...hell, might be the only one for ya. But besides all the fucks and and beatin' of innoncent people in your promos...where do ya get off claimin' all this crap that ya do? No no...let Jack Daniels rephrase that, cuz we all know quite well that Venom does get off at makin' all these bullshit claims of his. On what basis can ya call yourself the greatest technical rassler in the world today? Huh Venom? Think for a second and answer me this, when was the last time ya used a technical move on anybody? No, schoolboy's don't ocunt, neither does trippin' over your own two fuckin' feet to fall on top of me and make a cover. I mean, ya do know that ya and Joe Lemon aren't the only two rasslers on this planet, right? Now Jack Daniels ain't callin' himself no technical master, cuz he gets his shit down his own way, and quite honestly, more effectively. But Jack Daniels does see what might be the problem here. Venom, I think ya got your mouth and your ass mixed up 'gain. Shit is only supposed to come outta your ass...not your mouth. And words come outta your mouth, not your ass.
Now seein' that Venom is "The Extreme Exxageratin' sorry sunuva bitch that couldn't rassle his way outta a fuckin' paper bag", let Jack Daniels put things in perspective for ya. 'Fore ya come out here and bore the world with 'nother one of your fuck fest promos, tellin' 'em how ya kicked Jack Daniels ass like never 'fore just two weeks ago in that ring... why don't ya tell everyone how it really was Venom? Why don't ya tell everyone how it felt to have blood pourin' outta your body, barely able to stand and see in front of ya? Tell 'em how ya shit your pants at the thought of your career, much less your life, bein' ended right there in the middle of the ring by this drunken bastard. Tell 'em how ya escaped that match and that situation by the fuckin' skin of your teeth. Yeah, I didn't think ya would cuz you're too fuckin' afraid to actually admit that for once, ya were almost beaten at your own game. That for once, ya actually feared for your life. That for once, your life flashed in front of your eyes and your career and your reputation that ya have been buildin' for years almost came shatterin' down into nuttin'. But it all makes sense cuz when ya apply the simple rule that people make up for the lack of their...manhood...in other areas. And Venom's obviously is his mouth and the amount of shit that comes outta it. And how does Jack Daniels know 'bout...(Daniels holds up his hand and extends his pinky finger)...well let's just say that's the word down the street among the crack whores that Jack Daniels overheard on his way here. And why else do ya think Venom kills all those bitches once he fucks 'em. Not to prove a point or to show his bad ass side...nah it's to protect himself from the truth.
And what is the truth? Do ya want it Venom? Maybe the more important question is, can ya handle it? Knowin' Venom like only I do, he'll act like he does on the outside...but on the inside, the sorry bitch is crackin' up 'bout it. He's throwin' a fit but won't let it crack his facade. Ya see Venom, your antics...your language...all the crap ya pull in your promos, it's just pure sickenin'. I'm damn surprised no one has sicked the PTC on your ass yet. The last time we met, it was a baseball bat from hell match. SO what did ya do? Ya went 'round the NPWA offices and brutally attacked innocent people with a bat. Yeah, you're a real original tough guy Venom. So let me ask ya Venom, since this here is gonna be a Unites States Title Match, does that mean you're gonna go 'round beatin' everyone up in the United States? Ya know what Venom? Jack Daniels is gonna save ya the trouble and do it himself...well the Jack Daniels way of course...
(Daniels signals the bartneder over and says something to him. the bartender reaches underneath the bar and places a couple of bottles of Old No.7 in front of Daniels. Damn, Daniels needs to really get fucked up to do this, eh? Daniels grabs a couple of the bottles and starts walking around the bar...wait, he's giving people some Old No.7. They're opening their mouths and Daniels is pouring it down. I guess that's the Jack Daniels way. After the bottles are empty, Daniels sits abck down at the bar and continues speaking...)
Jack Daniels: Don't ya see the pattern formin' Venom? Let Jack Daniels take ya back a month and a half ago. Armageddon arrived on the scene, lookin' to make noise and put ya DFR motherfuckers in their place. And the very first week, Daniels takes the Heavyweight Title away from Hailey and DFR, shiftin' the power and makin' ya bitches realize just who we were. Fast forward to the present day Venom. There's a new force in town now Venom, and it involves your good dear ol' pal Kanyon. Yeah I figured just the mere mention of his name would get your attnetion and get ya pissed off. And now, Jack Daniels is been given a US Title shot. Ya see the pattern Venom? Ya see what ya have been set up for bitch? Jack Daniels is once 'gain gonna shift powers here in the NPWA, by beatin' the hell outta your ass and takin' from ya, the only piece of gold that has ever meant anythin' to anybody in this circuit.
Go 'head Venom, curse yourself up a storm. Hell, it's what yado best...shit, it's the only thing ya do. Ya talk yourself up an amazin' game, but time after time, ya don't back that up in the ring. Ya pulled one outta your ass the last time 'round. Big-fuckin'-deal Venom. Yeah, ya might have won the braggin' rights, so go 'head and take 'em. I'm sure ya'll do 'em justice and brag yourself six feet deep in the ground. But ya see Venom, while you're talkin' and fillin' your head with all this bullshit, Jack Daniels is gonna be winnin' the matches that mean more...that have more of an impact on 'em. Go 'head and take claim to the baseball bat from hell match. Jack Daniels knows he got the better of ya, and ya know it to. But the only difference from then and this Monday night is when Jack Daniels gets the better of ya, not only will ya and I know it, but the whole fuckin' world is gonna know it after ya get...
Shine that title up real nice Venom. Enjoy it now while ya can, cuz after Monday night is all said and done...after all the dust has settled...after every little ounce of the monumental ass whoopen that I have in store for ya in handed to ya...ya will have nuttin' to show for all your ridiculous, fuck filled promos, except a bunch of dead and beaten bodies. Pretty pathetic bitch...JUST LIKE YA! And it goes like this...
Till then...MOTHERFUCKER!
(Daniels lifts his drink and finishes it off in one shot and slams the glass down on the bar almost shattering it as the scene fades to black...)