(The scene opens and we find ourselves in a building where a long line has formed. There are a few windows with clerks behind them serving the people. Wait, something doesn't look right here. Look at the front of the line...it's the NWF United States Champion and one half of the NWF Tag Team Champions Jack Daniels! Daniels has both titles, each one draped over a shoulder. Daniels looks over at the cameraman and he speaks...)
Jack Daniels: Well it's 'bout time your worthless ass got here. I've been waitin' on this fuckin' line all day long. I could've cut a promo or something the whole time I was here. I could've cut thirty promos the whole time I was here...but instead I sat here with the rest of these worthless civilians with nuttin' to do. This is no way to treat a double champion.
Voice: NEXT PLEASE!
Jack Daniels: C'mon...follow me.
(Daniels walks up to the next available window where a women is waiting.)
Woman: Name please.
Jack Daniels: Ya mean ya don't recognize this drunken mug? *An obvious no answer can be assumed by the way the lady looks at him and chews her gum* NWF United States Champ and one half of the NWF Tag Team Champs...Jack Daniels. WHat have ya been livin' under a rock your whole life?
Woman: How long have you been out of work?
Jack Daniels: Say what? Does it look like this drunken bastard is outta work? I mean I'm here sportin' double gold, dressed like a million bucks and ya think Jack Daniels is out of a job? *Laughing* Not in this lifetime lady.
Woman: Then why are you here wasting my time and everyone elses' time?
Jack Daniels: Oh ya see, I'm not here for me. I'm here for this other jackass. Technically, the sorry sunuva bitch was supposed to be fired last week...but he worked 'round that. But after this week...after Sunday night, this sorry jackass is gonna be unemployed just like the rest of these bums here.
Woman: What does he like to do? Any special talents or interests? Maybe we can match him up with a job that he oculd be useful at.
Jack Daniels: Hmmm...what does Harmston like? What's he good at? I don't know the bastard all that well...but this drunken bastard will thin of somethin'. I know he likes throwin' swerves out there. Although they aren't very good ones...he likes to try and throw 'em.
Woman: Throwing swerves? Oh you mean as in baseball...a baseball pitcher.
Jack Daniels: Yeah that might work. Oh, and I know he likes to kiss asses of those in power. The bastard is even sportin' a mustache made outta the president's ass hairs. But Jack Daniels is sure that's not the only thing on Edward's body that Harmston's lips touch...if ya catch this drunken bastard's drift. I think the jackass swing's that way.
Woman: Well, there's always the porn industry. They're always lookin' for new blood. Gay porn has become a very large industry.
Jack Daniels: Sounds good. Well listen lasy, ya should see his sorry ass in here first thing Monday mornin'. He'll be the one sportin' a fuckin' hangover.
Woman: A hangover? Is he gonna be drinkin' after he gets laid off on Sunday night?
Jack Daniels: Well, let's just say he's gonna have a few rounds of Jack Daniels that's sure to put him down on his ass.
(Daniels turns and leaves the building as he begins speaking...)
Jack Daniels: Why? Why in the hell is Jack Daniels goin' outta his drunken way to find me a job? I know that's exactly what you're thinkin' Harmston. Hell, maybe this drunken bastard is just a nice guy. Or maybe it's cuz Jack Daniels knows that after Sunday night Harmston, you're gonna wish ya stuck to your little agreement there with Edwards and were fired after ya lost the US TItle Gauntlet Match. Ya see, if ya were then ya wouldn't have been in the very unfortunate position of havin' to go One on One with The Drunk One. But Jack Daniels will admit, aside from the ass whoopen...aside from the pain and the hangover that follows the next mornin'...steppin' in that squared circle with this drunken legend is the best move ya could ever make.
Face the facts bitch...right now, you're a nobody...a nuttin'...a fuckin' peon. No one gave two shits if ya were fired or not at Shattered Dreams. Hell, no one even knew ya were part of the match itself. The only thing they knew was Jack Daniels was in it...Jack Daniels was the hands down favorite to win...and that Jack Daniels is now the NWF United States Champion, not to mention one half of the NWF Tag Team Champion as well. And now...now that ya signed your life over to that egomaniac of a president and have offered him your worthless services, ya think you're somethin' now. Ya think you're some type of big shot on his way to the top...on his way to fame and notoriety. Ehhhh...WRONG MOTHERFUCKER! What road you're headed down...Jack Daniels doesn't know and quite frankly, Jack Daniels doesn't really fuckin' care. But what he does know is that your ticket to fame and notoriety is steppin' in that squared circle with the Whole Drunken Show...Jack Daniels.
Just look at these right here bitch *Daniels points to the titles draped over each shoulder*. Name me one other person that has won two titles in their very first two matches in a federation. Go 'head hotshot...name ONE ! Ain't nuttin' comin' outta that big mouth of yours now, is there? I didn't fuckin' think so. And that's cuz there ain't nobody...and Jack Daniels MEANS NOBODY that can ever duplicate or emmulate what this drunken legend has done in his career...especially not ya or any of your other Flawless bitches.
(Daniels turns and walks through the door to a bar. Daniels walks up tot he bar and has a seat up on the stool as a bartender walks over.)
Jack Daniels: Hey Doc...ya know the drill.
Bartender: Yup...a bottle of the good stuff *Grabbing a bottle of Old No.7 and handing it to Daniels*. You know, someone was in here looking for you earlier. Some guy named Alex Harmston or something.
Jack Daniels: Oh he was, was he? What did the poor bastard have to say?
Bartender: Something about taking your title. He just kept babbling I had to get away.
Jack Daniels: Yeah I hear ya. But let me ask ya this...what did he have to drink?
Bartender: Well he tried a shot of some good Old No.7, but his ass fell right off the stool and was yacking up a lung. Then he sipped on a dry Martini with three olives, and it had to be perfect...no nor perfect, flawless.
Jack Daniels: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! a Martini with olives...only pussies drink that.
Let me explain somethin' to ya little Alex...ya can be as flawless as ya fuckin' want. In the ring...outta the ring...wherever. But ya see, it ain't gonna get ya anywhere. It ain't gonna help ya in the ring or in life. Ya see to get anywhere in this business...to be a livin' legend...a fuckin' icon like Jack Daniels, ya need to have Absolute Power. And until ya do...the only thing ya'll have to show for is Edward's ball hairs stuck between your teeth and a imprint of my size 13 boot on your ass.
Ya see, Jack Daniels has won those big pressure matches time after time after fuckin' time. Hell, it's what Jack Daniels thrives on. But ya my friend...ya don't know what pressure is. Ya don't know what it's like to step in the middle of the ring, headlinin' a card or a Pay Per View...with the World Title up for grabs and at least one other opponent ready to fight for his fuckin' life for it. Ya don't know what it's like to be under scrutiny by the entire fuckin' rasslin' world each and every time ya step in the sqaured circle to defend a title. Ya can't imagine the pressure that's laid upon people in these types of situations. Ya can't imagine what it takes to get over the hump, as they say. Well ya better start imaginin' it bitch, cuz come Sunday night, the ball is gonna be in your court. Jack Daniels has done his part time and time 'gain...and he's done it one more time. This drunken bastard knows exactly what he has to do to get the job done...but ya don't. Ya don't realize the fact that ya have to fight for your fuckin' pathetic life to take this title away from and take claim to a champion. Ya don't realize that ya have to beat Jack Daniels...and not the other way 'round. Ya don't realize that the pressure is all on ya bitch. As "wood would say...it most definitely SUX2BU!
And after Sunday night is all said and done and in the record books...this drunken bastard will make ya realize just why...
Till then...MOTHERFUCKER!
(Daniels takes a long swig from his bottle of Old No.7 and slams it down on the bar as the scene fades to black...)