*The scene opens and we find ourselves staring at a closed elevator door. Suddenly a "ding" is heard and the elvevator door opens. The elevator is almost full. We notice a few people standing in front crying their eyes out. And theres some ruckus in the back. THe people in front are pushed out of the way and out from the elevator emerges none other than Jack Daniels...*
Jack Daniels: Damn, ya thought someone died or something.
*Daniels stops and looks around. Suddenly a stretcher is rolled right by Daniels with a couple of EMTs surrounding it. The body is covered with a body bag.*
Jack Daniels: Damn, maybe somebody did. *Daniels looks around until he spots a lady in a nurse's uniform* 'Scuse me, where is room 1397?
Nurse: Down the hall to your right.
*Daniels begins down the hall and now we finally realize exactly where we are...a hospital. But who could Daniels be visiting. On the way, Daniels spots a gift shop and walks in there instead.*
Jack Daniels: Maybe a nice little present will cheer him up. The visit from this drunken bastard is reason 'nuff to cheer him up, but we all know how he could be at times. And I know exactly what he needs. *Daniels walks up to a lady working in the gift shop* Yeah let me get a bottle of Ol' No.7.
Woman: Uh sir, this is a gift shop, not a liquor store.
Jack Daniels: Yeah, no shit sherlock. And there ain't no better gift than a bottle of Ol' No.7. So lay it in these drunken hands 'long with one of those Hallmark cards that says feel better or some heartfelt shit like that and we're in business.
Woman: The Hallmark card I have. But no Old No.7 sir. How about a bouqet of flowers or some balloons?
Jack Daniels: Say what? Look at me lady. Look at me. Is my name Alexander Harmston? NO, I don't fuckin' think so. Is my name Lunatikk Crippler? NO, I don't fuckin' think so. Now maybe those two Fairy Ass Gullible Goons Own This Shit, or even buy 'em on a regular basis. But not this drunken bastard. I don't participate in such disgustin' activities like 'em.
Woman: Wait, now that I think of it, we do have these chocolates. *The woman reaches up on a shelf and grabs a box of chocolates* These are licquer chocolates. Each piece of chocolate has a different licquer in it. See, this one has Kahlua, this one has Amaretto Di Sarrona, and look, this one is filled with Jack Daniel's Old No.7.
Jack Daniels: Alright, I guess that will do. Just have to drain out all the liquor from the chocolates and drink it then. *Daniels pays for the chocolates and the card and heads for room #1397.* The nerve of that lady to think for one second I'm like my two pathetic opponents this week. I don't swing that way. It's just a damn shame that the World Champion and the US and tag team champion is represented by the two biggest jackasses this side of the earth. *Daniels approaches room 1397. He slightly opens the door and walks in to find none other than Evan Douglas, whose right arm is in a cast and in one of those bed slings.* Look at this sorry bastard. What's the matter, can't jerk off now that you're arm is all broken? *Daniels laughs*
Evan Douglas: Fuck you bro.
Jack Daniels: Ya know I'm just playin' with ya. Here, I got ya something. *Daniels hands Evan the Hallmark card and the box of licquer chocolates*
Evan Douglas: What happened, the gift shop didn't have any Old No.7?
Jack Daniels: Nope...fuckin' bastards. Anyway, got ya the next best thing, chocolates with a whole shitload of liquor in 'em. That oughta take some of that poain in your arm away.
Evan Douglas: The least ya can do seeing as you are the one who broke my arm.
Jack Daniels: Ya still on that? Damn, ya know it was a freak accident. Hailey reversed the Irish whip and directed me right to ya.
*Suddenly a hot looking nurse walks into the room. The kind that only exists in the movies, and in this case, in promos.*
Nurse: Evaaaan, it's time for your sponge bath and massage.
*A hige grin comes over Evan's face as he waves goodbye to Daniels as the nurse pulls the curtain around Evan's bed, allowing us to see only their shadows. That lucky bastard. Anyway, Daniels turns his back to the curtain and sits on the vacant bed in the room. Daniels turns to the camera, but before he speaks, he reaches in his pocket, pulls out...that's one of the chocolates. As a matter of fact, it's the Old No.7 one. He opens it, bites off the top of it and turns the chocolate bottle upside downand drinks the Old No.7 out of the chocolate before speaking.*
Jack Daniels: Oh I'm sorry, did this drunken bastard keep ya guys waitin'? How rude of Jack Daniels to keep the NWF World Heavyeight Champion and the NWF US Champ and tag champ waitin'. I just forgot how important your time is...more important than everyone elses' as a matter of fact.
Why is that Harmston? Why is it that ya seem to believe that everythin' is ten times more important for ya than anyone else? Is it cuz your lips are wrapped 'round the fed head's dick? Or could it be the fact that while your cuttin' your promo, everyone watchin' is asleep 'fore the first three syllables come outta your mouth? Or could it be the fact that ya have a piece of gold 'round your waist? But it's just not any gold...it's THEE gold. Well congradu-fuckin'-lations Harmston. Ya have finally etched your name in stone at the top of the NWF mountain. Ya have finally been recognized as one of the greatest 'round here. Or have ya Harmston. What little do ya know that ya have yet to learn the ways of this business Harmston.
Let me ask ya a question Harmston. Do ya think now since ya by luck tripped up on the NWF World Title that you're an instant legend or somethin'? Do ya think now that ya deserve respect cuz ya beat Raymott for the title? Well let this drunken bsatard tell ya somethin'.
Fact one...one in two marriages end in divorce, so in turn, Raymott never stood a chance of stayin' together with that thing forever.
Fact two, You're now touchin' th same exact thing that Willmott touched with his...well use your imagination.
Fact three...YA ABSOLUTELY SUCK!
Ya see Harmston, let Jack Daniels fill ya in onthe word goin' 'round the locker room. Although many people are happy to see the gold off of Willmott's perverted waist, they couldn't care less that it's 'round your waist now. Ya see, everyone but everyone is callin' this title run of yours here a fluke. Why ya ask? I mean ya won the US title already and have an impressive record, I'm supposed to be World champ, right? Wrong bitch. Ya may be World Champ, but that doesn't mean you're the best. That doesn't mean you're unbeatable. All that means is that ya were at the right place at the right time. Shit, Willmott was prolly still in a comatose condition in the ring after watchin' your promo...who wouldn't be? But ya will find out just why this title run of yours is just a fluke cuz the very first chance ya get to defend your oh so precious title...the pressure is gonna build and all eyes are gonna be on ya. Ya think ya got over that hump, but the reality is that ya haven't. Reality will sink in when ya can't even defend the honor and prestige of the title once.
The truth hurts...don't it bitch?
Evan Douglas: OOOHHHHH YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHH!
*Daniels turns around to see Douglas enjoying his massage and spongebath from that hot ass nurse. Daniels turns back around and continues speaking.*
Jack Daniels: And then there was the loonman. Ya know Crip, this drunken bastard could write a book of all our encounters in the past...more like a novel. But ya know, if this drunken author were to, there would be one common theme in the book Crip, aside from the main theme of Jack Daniels whoopin' your ass in just 'bout every chapter. But it stems from that Crippler, cuz ya see, each and every time your ass is handed to ya in a paper fuckin' bag, ya tend to run and hide behind someone, and whamo, instant success. Just take the current situation for example. After Crippler failed once 'gain to beat his drunken hero at March of Death and in the MTT3, he went and got himself a bunch of other freaks to hide behind. Now, now the lucky bastard has himself the US Title 'long with Absolute Power's Tag Titles. Well congradu-fuckin'-lations to ya too Crip, cuz you're plan is comin' together like no other.
But not this week Crippler. Ya see, Jack Daniels knows that ya like to be the one who is forgotten, take advantage of it and come out and surprise everyone. Just like your very first World title win in the IWF. With five other superstars in the match, ya were the one who was forgotten and left out of everyone's promos. And in the end, a miracle happened. That's what you're prayin' for this time as well Crip. With the NWF World Champ in the match and a livin', drunken legend like Jack Daniels in the match takin' up all the spotlight, you're just sittin' pretty in the corner hopin' that our two massive egos take each other other leavin' ya standin'. Well think 'gain Crippler. Ya may be able to hide behind Spiral or Knox now, but Sunday night ya'll be exposed for the overrated, pathetic piece of shit ya really are.
But I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do here, for the both of ya. Since I'm already here in a hospital and seein' as how Jack Daniels is a kind drunken bastard, I'm gonna go right 'head and book ya two a room. Cuz don't forget, after Sunday night...after ya both have a round of Jack Daniels, you're both gonna find yourselves wakin' up the next mornin' with a FUCKIN' HANGOVER!
But fortunately for the both of ya, you'll also be wakin' up with the gold still by your side. Not cuz Jack Daniels ain't good 'nuff to tkae either, cuz he would in a fuckin' second. But 'cuz I don't want to humiliate the both of ya dry to the bone right away. this drunken bastard finds it that draggin' it out through time is a much more satisfying experience for me, and a much more painful one for the both of ya.
Oh and 'fore I bid ya bastards farewell, let Jack Daniels give ya a little bit of advice. You're both gonna look back into the past of this drunken bastard and your personal experiences with him. Go 'head Harmston and tell the world yet 'gain how ya beat Jack Daniels twice for the the US Title. Go 'head and say how ya beat him two weeks ago 'long with Raymott. No one really cares. Go 'head and disect the past couple of weeks and all that has unraveled with Absolute Power. But don't go 'head and assume that the Jack Daniels you're gonna see is the on that has been among us for the last month or so with one mishap...one loss after the fuckin' other. Jack Daniels has left all that he needs to leave behind and is already back on the wagon. Don't believe me now? Just wait till Sunday to answer any doubts ya may have. Just wait till Sunday...
Till then...MOTHERFUCKERS!
*And with that, the scene fades to black*