*The scene opens and we find ourselves on the streets, of Sacremento most likely seeing as how that's where the next Uncensored is set to emmulate from. But that doesn't matter much now. What does is that everyone's drunken hero, Jack Daniels is present and in front of the camera, walking along the streets. Daniels has a small plastic bag and his trusty bottle of Old No.7 in hand as he takes a swig and begins speaking.*
Jack Daniels: Hey, this drunken bastard has got a joke for ya. Knox Knox...C'mon, say it.
Cameraman: Who's there?
Jack Daniels: Harvey.
Cameraman: Harvey who?
Jack Daniels: Harvey Wallbanger. *Not funny Jack* What, did ya think I was gonna come up with somethin' corny like Harvey Knox Knox.
Cameraman: Cameraman: Who's there?
Jack Daniels: No ya jackass, the joke is over.
Cameraman: No ya jackass, the joke is over who?
Jack Daniels: Obviously the joke is over your head cuz ya don't know when to shut up. Now just keep rollin'. Ah here's a house. Let's see if we get any luck here. *Daniels walks up to the front door and rings the bell. Daniels rings it a second time and a lady comes to the door and like a little kid, Daniels opens up his plastic bag and spits out...* Tirck or Treat?
Lady: What the...what are you supposed to be?
Jack Daniels: I'm a...ummm...a...a drunken legend, can't ya tell? Now Trick or Treat?
Lady: It's not Haloween.
Jack Daniels: What do ya mean? That two headed monster this drunken bastard has got to face this week is always wearin' a mask. Just look at his grotesque face. *Daniels pulls out a picture from that plastic bag of his.*
Lady: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! *Slams door shut running back into the house*
Jack Daniels: *Daniels turns the picture around to look at it himself, revealing a picture of the grotesque Harvey Knox. Daniels shudders and quickly takes a swig from his bottle of Old No.7.* Damn maybe I would have been more believable if I were wearin' a mask or had some kinda costume like that Harvey bastard. Just look at him. How in the hell does he get two completely different wardrobes, cut them directly in half and then put them together and put it on? How does he perfectly style his hair on one side exactly in half, and the other is flyin' at ya every which way? There are a lot of questions concernin' this looney bastard...or should I say looney bastards. Does Jack Daniels have the answers? No. And even if ya asked the madman himself, ya would never come 'bout with any answers. One side of him would give ya an answer, and after a smart humorous remark from one side, the other side will contradict the first answer. In the end, you're right back where ya started from. Whether it's one...THAT'S ONE, question...or two...THAT'S TWO, questions. Or even three...THAT'S THREE, questions. But I'll tell ya this, his one personality makes up for the other's stupidity by provin' he can count.
What ya better start countin' are the days Knox. The days till ya finally suffer your first defeat here in the NWF. The days till you're humiliated by everyone's drunken hero. The days till Jack Daniels hands ya not one but two...
THAT'S TWO...
Ass whoopen courtesy of Jack Daniels. Ya see, if I only hand him one then his other personality will feel left out, and Jack Daniels is all 'bout equal opportunity ass whoopens. Hmm, now that I think 'bout it, this match isn't only a steel cage match. It's a handicap steel cage match. Handicap eh? Well that's alright Knox, ya want a handicap match, then a handicap match is what ya'll get. I'll fix that...
*Daniels takes a swig from his bottle of Old No.7 as he walks into a store. Not just any store though...a costume store. Daniels begins looking around the store for the perfect outfit before a salesman approaches him.*
Salesman: You must be going to a costume party. Well I got just the costume for you. Now check this one out, it has your name written all over it. *Daniels eys the costume up and down with a look of dissaproval*
Jack Daniels: I wasn't really lookin' to become a pimp. Actually I was lookin' for a mask.
Salesman: We have got tons of mask. We have Jason mask's, Freddy Krueger masks, George W. Bush masks, Bin Laden masks...
Jack Daniels: Bin Laden? George W. Bush? Never heard of 'em. Anyway here's my situation, I got this match 'gainst this grotesque sunuva bitch this week and I'm tryin' to go one up on him, here's a picture of him. *Daniels pulls out that picture of Knox again and shows it to the salesman*
Salesman: AHHHHH! *Jumps back from where he's standing with a look of terron on his face.* Holy mother of christ, I don't think I have a mask as grotesque like that.
Jack Daniels: No no, you're missin' the point here. First off, there ain't no one, and Jack Daniels means NO ONE, who is or could be as ugly and grotesque as those two repulsive basatrds. Ya see now if Jack Daniels steps in that cage with that sorry sunuva bitch, it's gonna be a two on one match...and handicap match. Now that ain't fair is it?
Salesman: Doesn't sound too fair. But I still don't see where you're going with this.
Jack Daniels: Damn, I gotta explain everythin'. Now if I could just find a mask with three heads on it...then the odds have changed in my favor. It's still a handicap match but now in this drunken bastard's favor. So don't ya have a mask of some three headed monster or somethin'?
Salesman: Let me check in the back.
Jack Daniels: And while you're back there, check to see if ya got 3 different personaliteis to go with the mask.
Ya know Harvey, your records and your reign of terror throughout your short career may be somewhat impressive on paper. But when ya look deeper into it, all it turns out to be is a manipulation. Ya like manipulatin' situations, don't ya Harvey? Ya like bringin' to everyone's attention of your 19-1 record, don't ya? Well what people don't seem to realize is that 97% of your wins come from such talent like Marc Weinstein, Dredd, the very so inconsistent Sean Boden, not once but three...
THAT'S THREE...
times. Sure ya beat Hailey on his very first match back, but what does that say Knox? Ya beat a man who was outta action for over a year and has only had a handful of matches. Yeah, be real proud of that. Oh yeah, let's not forget 'bout the "fightin' " champion Karma...the bitch who didn't even have 'nuff respect to acknowledge the match 'gainst ya. Was it a matter of respect or was it the fact that she just couldn't give two shits 'bout ya? I think the latter applies to that one. God forbid we forget 'bout your career endin' accomplishment over Arch Kincaid...WHO?! Exactly. Did the motherfucker even exist? Unfortunately he did, but only for 'bout a month until ya took him outta his misery and then tried to play it out like it was some big fuckin' deal. Well here's a newsflash for ya Knox...just like Karma, no one gave two shits 'bout the sorry bitch. Ultimately meanin' that no one gave a flyin' fuck 'bout ya Knox. Ya see, the fans are just like ya Knox, they got a split personality. They're confused. They're deranged. They have no fuckin' clue what they are doin'. What it all comes down to is that they don't know what to do when they see ya. They don't know whether to cheer ya or boo ya or throw things at ya. Just like ya don't know whether to kill this cameraman or the other cameraman. They're split down the middle. How ironic, don't ya think?
Ya don't mean jack shit to these fans nor to this circuit Knox. When people are asked what they most remember 'bout this circuit and the good ol' days of wrestlin', they'll flat out tell ya they remember this drunken bastard sharin' his alcohol with 'em. They'll tell ya they remember Jack Daniels winnin' title after title after fuckin' title, totalin' 25. They'll tell ya they remember Jack Daniels and his classic promos. Did ya hear Knox in any of those answers? Does Knox mean anythin' to this circuit or to the fans? In a word...NO! That's the difference between ya and me Knox. Ya don't mean a damn thing. Ya have won two titles in your career while this drunken legend has won 25. Hell, prolly more seein' as how I easily lose count for obvious reasons.
Now Knox is gonna look back and see a bit of a downslide for this drunken bastard as of late. He's gonna try and use that to his advantage. Good for ya Knox, cuz you're gonna need all the advantage ya can fuckin' get. Just cuz I've lost a couple of the last matches, ya think these fans have forgotten 'bout me? Ya think they have forgotten all the drunken moments in this circuit's history? Ya think my legendary status has dwindled down to nuttin'? I don't fuckin' think so Knox. Could it be that ya just wish ya were in the position that I am. That ya could be at the top of the ladder and be labeled as one of wrestling's elite...as a fuckin' legend? Well too fuckin' bad Knox. Ya and your other loony personality need to realize that there's only one...
THAT'S ONE...
Jack Daniels. And the reality is that there's only one Harvey Knox. Not two. When ya win a match, ya win one match, and not two. When ya lose a match, ya lose two matches and not one...wait I meant...ah hell ya know what this drunken hero means.
*Finally, the salesman comes back into the picture with a mask in hand. He hands it to Daniels.*
Salesman: Here, I found a three headed mask, just like you wanted. But I couldn't find three different personalities.
Jack Daniels: Damn. Ya got Jack Reed's phone number? Maybe he can give me a pointer on carryin' three personalities. And ya might as well hand that number to Knox himself so Knox can learn from one of this drunken bastard's victims just how bad an ass whoopin' really is. Ya know that feelin' ya get Knox when ya kill a cameraman at the end of one of your promos? Well take that feelin', add a shot of Jack Daniels...shake it up, don't stir...and put it over ice and ya'll get an idea of what it's like. Unlike ya KNox, I won't be sayin' Goodnight Motherfucker. Oh no, that ain't my style son. Instead, I'll be right by your side the next mornin' when ya wake up with a fuckin' hangover of monumental proportions and say...GOOD MORNIN' BITCH!
But don't ya worry 'bout Monday mornin' just yet Knox. Instead, ya should be focused on Sunday night when Jack Daniels makes ya realize that...
Oh yeah, and that Harvey Knox, both of 'em...ABSOLUTELY SUCK!
Till then...MOTHERFUCKERS!
*And with that, the scene fades to black.*