*The last time we saw Daniels, he was passed out in his own home from drinking waaaaaayy too much. Now we all know that Daniels has a steel liver, but even that steel liver and the rest of his drunken body couldn't take all that Old No.7 that Daniels subjected himself to. Why? Who knows, and maybe we'll never know. Or maybe we'll find out right now. The scene opens inside a hospital room. The sound of a heart monitor beeping can be heard. That's gotta be a good sign. The camera zooms in and we see Daniels lying in a bed with with IVs running in and out of his body. The heart monitor might be beeping, but Daniels is still unconscious. Great. Now what? Now what are we gonna do? Daniels is supposed to be cutting a promo against his opponent this week in the NWF, Spiral. Wait a second, I got an idea. Maybe we can still find out what's going on inside Daniel's mind. Yeah that's right, we're gonna enter his drunken mind in his unconscious state.*
1...2...3! 1...2...3! 1...2...3! That's all that goes through this drunken mind. The sound of the ref's hand hittin' the canvas for the third consecutive time, while these drunken shoulders were down, preventin' this drunken legend to move on to winnin' the last part of his much deserved triple crown...a tournament win. A big loss calls for big, drastic measures. The drastic measures of takin' it out on the bottle post match...ok maybe it was more than just one bottle. And the drastic measures of takin' it out on the next sorry sunuva bitch to set foot in the ring 'gainst Jack Daniels. If I ever wake out of this state of consciousness that is.
Now that doesn't bode well for that psychotic freak Spiral. As psychotic as he may be...as looney as he may be...as sadistic as he may be...it won't make a difference in the world. Jack Daniels is in a state of mind right now that is dangerous. That's right Spiral...even more dangerous than what you're used to. Ya see, at the MTT3, it was 'bout business. Daniels was all 'bout whoopin' ass and movin' on...and that's exactly what was done. But now, it's not just 'bout whoopin' ass and movin' on Spiral. It's 'bout whoopin' your ass to the point where this drunken bastard is satisfied 'nuff that he has extracted all of his revenge...all of his hate and anger on YOU! Yeah that's right. Ya have absolutely nuttin' to do with Daniels not bein' able to grab his triple crown...and frankly...I don't give a flyin' fuck cuz the fact of the matter is that you're standin' in my way Spiral. Not only does Jack Daniels have to beat Spiral to get back on track with his winnin' ways. But Jack daniels also has to beat his downward -spiral- in life right now. Daniels lost his dreams of a triple crown, and rather than indulgin' in one bottle of Ol' No.7...he indulged in...well a helluva lot. I have been down before, but this is a downward spiral that will put everyone's drunken hero to the test.
Once Jack Daniels gets back on track, he has himself 'nother Spiral to take care of. Now for Spiral, Jack Daniels is like a test. Think 'bout it. His first match outside of...that New York shithole of a federation. He hasn't done jack shit elsewhere. Just take a look at his career statistics. Where are all those titles from? Yeah that's right...that shit hole of a fed that's goin' down quicker than a sinkin' ship. Are ya happy Spiral? Are ya happy ya drowned that fed to it's ultimate demise? It's not there yet, but it will be very soon and all cuz of ya. And do ya know why? Of course ya don't cuz you're a freak...look at ya. Ya see, there was a time when this Smirt, 'Wood, this drunken bastard and his champion tag team partner were in that hell hole. But ya see, back when we were in there...it was the place to be. The ratings were off the charts, and each and every show was sold out...months 'head of time. Now that's the case with the NWF...and is there any wonderin' why? The four greatest talent on this earth are there in the form of Absolute Power. Let your drunken hardcore hero break it down for ya so even your freaky ass understands this.
Ya see, Edwards is no fool. He hires all the the talent to fill in certain spots in the show...to fulfill all the demographics out there. Jack Daniels was hired...actually begged and pleaded is more acurate, for my drunken services. Cuz ya see, Jack Daniels fulfills the 18-34 age group among the marks demographic...the female demographic...the drunken demographic...too make a long story short here, this drunken bastard fulfills 'bout 90% of the NWF's demographics. Now as for ya Spiral, all ya are is a freak show. And that's exactly why Edwards signed your ass here int he NWF. Maybe in that New York based fed, there was a huge demand for psychotic freaks. Hell, that made up about 96.4532% of their viewer demogrpahics. But here in the NWF...it's more like 1.83256% of the viewer demographic. Now don't ya feel special Spiral? Ya actually attract 1.83256% of the viewers on tv each week, while everyone's drunken hero attracts 'bout 90%. That's why Jack Daniels is a legend. That's why Jack Daniels is at the very top of the rasslin' ladder. And that's why you're at the very bottom of the ladder. That's why you're a nobody...a nuttin'...a FUCKIN' PSYCHOTIC PEON! What...who said these drunken thoughts couldn't be swear words and couldn't have emotion?
Right 'bout now...right 'bout now Spiral, ya should be down on your knees, no not blowin' Crippler although we all know that's your circus feat. What ya should be doin' is payin' respects to none other than this drunken bastard. Must ya ask why? Must your drunken hardcore hero tell ya 'gain? I paved the way for jackasses for ya. Way back when ya were still sittin' in the principal's office after school, Jack Daniels was out in New York doin' what he does best...whoopin' ass. Not only did he whoop ass...but a hardcore side came outta this drunken bastard that no one had even seen 'fore, not even myself. I revolutionized what hardcore is there and everywhere else. Jack Daniels was the foundin' father of the hardcore title. That paved the way for all the hardcore freaks there after. They all heard of the hardcore legend Jack Daniels and everyone tried to upstage him...even ya did Spiral. But the truth is no one could...and no one ever will. Yeah that's right Spiral, a couple more of you're not worthy chants and ya'll be done for the time bein'.
Ya should also give thanks to whatever higher up decided to put your looney ass up 'gainst a legend in Jack Daniels in your very first match here in the NWF. There's no reason for ya to be in my spotlight. So make the most of this opportunity while ya can Spiral. Cuz once your drunken hardcore hero whoops your ass and starts your NWF career on a sour note, there ain't no turnin' back. And while you're down there...NO, don't even think it...my name ain't Crippler. While you're down there, ya might wanna throw your two hands together, look up and pray to your God. Pray to him that Jack Daniels doesn't come outta this coma. No not just for your match...but forever. That's it...pray for a FUCKIN' MIRACLE!
But there ain't no use in prayin' to kick this drunken ass once he gets outta this bed and into the squared circle. Your psychotic freak of a partner couldn't beat me at March of Death or any other time 'fore for that matter, and both of your collective Psycho Circus asses couldn't beat Jack Daniels and Evan Douglas in the MTT3. Jack Daniels is goin' 2-0 this week. First he's beatin' his own downward spiral. Then he beats the other Spiral...the one that actually thinks he stands a chance at goin' one on one with The Drunk One and come out successful. Don't underestimate a round of Jack Daniels bitch. Cuz look at what 'bout 734 rounds did to your drunken hardcore hero. Once 'gain provin' that...
Voice: Jack Daniels ain't to be fucked with.
*What the...who said that? The scene starts fading in back to the hospital room. Wait a second, it must have been that doctore checking up on Daniels. He nods his head as he checks over Daniels and his progress. The doctor leaves the room and the camera stays on Daniels for a moment. Well I guess that's a wrap. A bit different promo from Jack Daniels this time as we got into his mind and heard what he was thinking. Scene fades to....nothing yet. Cuz look, Daniel's eyes just opened. I don't believe it. Daniels is awake and out of his coma. Daniels sits up in the bed and rips out the IVs from his body. Holy shit, he did it. Daniels beat the downward spiral he reffered to in his thoughts. Daniels turns his legs so they are hanging off the side of the bed, ready to get up from the bed. Daniels notices the camera in the room.*
Jack Daniels: One spiral down...one more to go.
Till then...MOTHERCUKER!
*Daniels gets out of the bed and leaves the room with that hospital gown on. Daniels is checking himself out of the hospital and gonna check himself in to the squared circle where's he's ready to take on more Spiral downward to defeat. Scene fades...*