*The scene opens and we find none other than then drunken legend himself...Jack Daniels. Daniels is walking along a street like he's done many times before. What does this mean for his opponents this week? We're just going to have to wait and see what antics Daniels has up his sleeve today. Suddenly, Daniels begins speaking.*
Jack Daniels: Somethin' looks wrong with this picture, doesn't it? Jack Daniels knows what's wrong with this picture, but do ya know?
*Upon closer look, everything seems to be fin...wait a damn second. It's the Old No.7. Daniels doesn't have any Old No.7 on him. That's gotta be it.*
Jack Daniels: Now if ya said what's wrong with this drunken bastard is that he's missin' his Ol' No.7 then congradulations, ya have just proved that you're a true drunkaholic. But ya see, that ain't what Jack Daniels is referrin' to cuz as a matter of fact, I'm on my way right now to get some Ol' No.7. But ya are on the right track...somethin' is missin'. And that somethin' is gold 'round this drunken waist. But the time has come...cuz this week, Jack Daniels is gonna fulfill that empty spot on this drunken waist with the NWW US Title. Actually, if ya stop and think 'bout it, Jack Dnaiels held the NWW US Title in the NWW's first run. And as a matter of drunken fact, he never lost that title. So in essence, Jack Daniels is still NWW US Champion, except with no gold. I dunno...ya figure it out. All Jack Daniels knows is that he's got two other asses to whoop to regain his never lost US gold. Ah, finally...the liquor store.
*Daniels turns and heads into a liquor store. Daniels gets in line behind someone and is looking up on a shelf behind the counter. Something sparks Daniel's eye as he steps up to the counter.*
Liquor Store Guy: What can I get for ya?
Jack Daniels: Gimme a bottle of Ol' No.7. But let me ask ya, what the hell is that right next to it?
Liquor Store Guy: Which one?
Jack Daniels: span class="sub2">*Pointing* That one over there. The one with the label that looks just like Ol' No.7.
Liquor Store Guy: Oh, you mean this one. That's Evan Williams.
Liquor Store Guy: What are you talking about?
Jack Daniels: Don't ya get it? Look at this crap. Ya got the original...the best stuff on earth...Jack Daniels. And then ya got some immitation crap, which just so happens has a very identical label and all in Evan Douglas. It's gimmick infrigement damnit.
Liquor Store Guy: Wait a second, it's Evan Williams. You said Evan Douglas.
Jack Daniels: Don't ya get it ol' man? Does this drunken bastard hafta explain everythin'? Evan Douglas is behind this, but is usin' a different last name not to make it all that obvious. I'm on to ya Evan. It's quite obvious actually. I mean when ya stop and think 'bout it, you're prolly this drunken bastard's number one mark. Ya wanna be just like your drunken hero. Ya want all the attention he gets. Ya want all the success he's had. Ya want all his legendary status. Most importantly, ya need an underlyin' gimmick. Ya need that one thing that differentiates yourself from everyone else. And here ya go and think that by bein' just like Jack Daniels, by puttin' your name on a bottle of liquor...by givin' it the same damn label...that ya too can be just like Jack Daniels. Well let this drunken bastard key ya in to a newsflash Evan...I DON'T FUCKIN' THINK SO!
Yeah, ya should be down on your hands and fuckin' knees thankin' Jack Daniels for everythin' he's done for ya Evan. Jack Daniels made your name recognizable. Jack Daniels put ya in the spotlight. Jack Daniels gave ya gold, agve ya ass whoopens, gave ya experince and most importantly...gave ya fame and success. Back in the EWA when ya were a nobody, Jack Daniels beat your ass all summer long. And from the simple task of bein' able to take the ass whoopens that ya did receive and still come back from them and challenge your drunken hero 'gain and 'gain, your stock value went up. Then enter the NWF. Jack Daniels took ya under his drunken wing and made ya the star that ya are now. He gave ya gold...he gave ya his spotlight...he gave ya the ride of your fuckin' life while bein' on top of the wrestlin' world. But that wasn't 'nuff, was it Evan? Ya just had to go out and put out your own liquor that looks just like mine? Then fine. Ya wanna go 'head and try and take away my US Title? Then fine. All ya can do is try Evan, cuz in the end, we all know that ya just choke under pressure. When that big moment comes, ya just can't seem to get over that heap and take full advantage of the situation and opportunity.
Ya know Evan, maybe it's your only hope. Maybe it's the only thing ya can do to get over in this business. Maybe puttin' your name on a bottle of liquor that looks just like my good Ol' No.7, maybe that's the only way ya'll ever become anythin' Evan. Ya know, it's funny how everyone seems to think that ya'll be the next big thing 'round here Evan. They obviously don't know the Evan Douglas that only Jack Daniels knows. That may be true Evan, if only ya could get past one little itsy bitsy thing that is eatin' ya up inside. The one thing that has has held ya back 'fore but at times has also allowed ya to excel. And that one little thing is the simple fact known by all the drunkaholics, and most importantly yourself Evan, that Jack Daniels is just simply better than ya. It's the only explanantion possible as to why you're this drunken bastard's biggest mark and as to why you're not leavin' with any gold at Impact. This gold ain't for sharin' Evan...it's gonna be mine...ALL MINE!
*Daniels opens up the bottle of Evan Williams and takes a swig before spitting it right back out.*
Jack Daniels: Aww Jesus, this taste like crap. I guess the product says it all Evan...it says t all.
*Daniels leaves the liquor store and continues walkin' and then speaks.*
Jack Daniels: Ya know, now that this drunken bastard thinks 'bout it, there's more gimmick infrigement goin' 'round. Ya know, when Jack Daniels first came on the scene, he was the only one walkin' to the ring with a bottle of Ol' No.7. He was the only one bein' drunk 24-7 and made it acceptable. Now all of a fuckin' sudden, we got some other Jack Daniels wanna-be that's walkin' 'round drunk, stoned, methed out, trippin' and crankin'...all at the same time. Only that Haynes it takin' one step further with all shit groin' outta the ground. Well isn't that just swell Haynes. Ya found yourself a little niche here in this business. Ya took not an idea...not a concept...but a way of fuckin' life from this drunken legend and you're tryin' to exploit it for your own personal benefits. My way of life is obviously a joke to ya Haynes. Well what do we know, we got ourselves 'nother mark on our hands. We got ourselves 'nother potential star. We got ourselves a hopeles pile of shit is what we got. So seein' as how Jack Daniels is an equal opportunity ass whooper and verbal assaulter, he's gonna do ya a favor as well. Now ya need a product to have by your side 24-7, just like Jack Daniels has his Ol' No.7. And now, just like Evan Douglas has his bottle of Evan Williams...Willie the thrillie Haynes needs his gimmick.
*Daniels turns and walks into a store...a convienence store to be more specific. Daniels walks up to the counter looking for something.*
Employee: How can I help you?
Jack Daniels: Ya got and Philly blunts?
Employee: Yup, got some right here *He grabs a pack of Philly blunts and places them on the counter in front of Daniels.*
Jack Daniels: *Picking up the pack of Philly blunts* Bingo. We've struck gold Willie. Seein' as how ya like to get higher than a kite more than anythin', Jack Daniels has got this for ya. No longer will they be call Philly Blunts. But from here on in, they're known as Thrillie Blunts. They give ya the thrill of a lifetime. It's simple Haynes, all ya gotta do is everytime your ugly mug is shown in front of a camera, ya stick a Thrillie Blunt in your mouth and start smokin'. Put your brain on hold and put yourself in a state of mind that we call dreamin'. Say to yourself that your the best. Say to yourself that ya can beat Jack Daniels for the NWW US Title. Say to yourself that crocodile hunter guy is like totally awesome duuude. But what I say to ya Willie, is get your head outta the clouds of smoke surroundin' ya cuz you're obviously lost in a fog. You're a joke to this circuit Haynes...you're a joke to this industry. You;ve been here just as long as Jack Daniels has, if not longer. And what have ya accomplished? What have ya done that ya can be proud of? ABSOLUTELY-FUCKIN'-NUTTIN'...that's what. But if ya listen to this drunken bastard here, then you're headed in the right direction. You're headin' straight for the top kiddo, ya listen to the man that defines a gimmick.
Now who else would cut a promo and actually give their opponents advice? Huh...who else? No one. Ya can call it my trademark, ya can call it stupid...or ya can simply call it this drunken bastard bein' nice. But if ya ask me...Jack Daniels would call it a lesson in gimmick infrigement 101. And as for your second lesson Evan and Willie...that lesson comes on Wednesday night when Jack Daniels teaches both ya bitches just what exaclty are the terms of punishment for such crimes that ya have committed. Ya can call me old school...ya can call me crazy. Don't just call me Thursday mornin' when ya both wake up with fuckin' hangovers askin' Jack Daniels what happened last night. Cuz i'm gonna tell ya right the fuck now what's gonna happen. Both of ya are gonna receive an ass whoopen that only Jack Daniels is capable of givin'...a trademark Jack Daniels ass whoopen that both of ya just wish ya knew how to handle. Fact of the matter is that ya bastards can't handle it. Why? CUZ JACK DANIELS FUCKIN' SAID SO!
It's as simple as that fellas.
Till then...MOTHERFUCKERS!
*And with that, the scene fades to black.*