*The scene opens and we once again find ourselves on the streets. This has got to be without a shadow of a doubt another Jack Daniels promo. Week in and week out he seems to be wondering the streets and cutting up some of his drunken classic promos. This week is no different. Daniels is walking along with ihs bottle of Old No.7. He takes a swig and and then he begins speaking.*
Jack Daniels: Every drunkaholic is sittin' back right now, watchin' and wonderin' just what's in store for this week. They're all wonderin' just how Jack Daniels is gonna make 'em laI ugh. They're wonderin' just how Jack Daniels is gonna find a way to bitch out his opponent for this week. Well what a fuckin' surprise, it's none other than the fetus cuttin' bitch who made of livin' of feedin' off of this drunken ass...The Laze...oops, I mean The Kaze.
How long it's been Kaze? Who the fuck knows. And quite frankly, who the fuck cares. No one cares what went down in the past. No one could give two shits how many times this drunken bastard has beat ya 'fore. No one could give a flyin' fuck how Jack Daniels always seemed to carry your ass. Absolutely no one. So to that, Jack Daniels says, let's start on a clean slate Kaze...let's start from the beginnin', as if the FTW never existed...as iff Jack Daniels never whooped your ass 'fore...as if Jack Daniels never carried the FTW's ass to success 'fore. Let's just clear everythin' from the board.
Ya know, seein' as how ya have been outta the game for such a looooong time now Kaze, and seein' as how ya need to catch up on things so not to be at a disadvantage, this drunken bastard is gonna stop at some store and do some shoppin' for ya Kaze. And Jack Daniels ain't talkin' 'bout no liquor store either. He's talkin' 'bout a store that always manages to bring back memories. He's talkin' 'bout a store that never goes outta style. Kaze...consider it your birthday cuz Jack Daniels is goin' to town with this.
*Daniels turns and walks through a set of doors. Wait a second, what did that say on the window? Did it say...it did...it fucking did. In big, bold letters, it said Antique Store on the front window. Oh no, Jack Daniels didn't it? He sure as hell did, he walked right into the store and he's about to go to town on the Kaze.*
Antique Store Owner: Can I help you sir?
Jack Daniels: Yeah...gimme some Ol' No.7.
Antique Store Owner: Uhh sir, this isn't a liquor store. This is an antique store.
Jack Daniels: What the...I thought the sign out in front said liquore store. Damn that letter "q". But I'm sure I'll beable to find somethin' here for the Kaze. Ya got any suggestions for someone who has been on the shelf for a really long time?
Antique Store Owner: Weeell, something that has been on a shelf for a very long time would normally collect dust, right?
Jack Daniels: Yeeaah...good point. Ya got any of those dustbusters 'round or somethin'. I mean 'fore ya can even get in the ring, ya gotta get the dust off.
Antique Store Owner: Let me check in the back. I might have the very first model of dustbusters that came out *Walking to the back of the store.*
Jack Daniels: Ya know Kaze, it's only common courtesy that ya come down to my drunken ring with all the dust off of your back. How long has it been Kaze? How long has it been since ya been in this type of enviroment...in this type of situation? Seems like ages, doesn't it? A lot has changed Kaze...a lot. Ya got some names ya never even heard of ridin' the to pof this circuit now, takin' their claim to fame. Ya got different types of fans. Ya got different colored ring ropes. I'm tellin' ya Kaze, this shit ain't the same. But there's only one thing that has stayed constant among the years Kaze. There's one thing that hasn't changed one itty little bit. And that's everyone's drunken hero Jack Daniels. Ya see Kaze, this drunken bastard is just as big as he was back when ya were here. Jack Daniels is still at the top of the wrestlin' mountain. People like to think that this drunken bastard is finally declin', but they just can't cope with the fact that Jack Daniels can accomplish more in one day than anyone else can in their entire fuckin' career. But there's only one thing...one thing that may have changed just a tad bit 'bout your drunken hero. Well besides the amount of Ol' No.7 bein' downed has increased, I'm talkin' 'bout the intensity and the severity of the Drunk One's ass whoopens. Ya thought the ones I used to hand out as a member of the FTW were somethin'? Well then ya ain't seen nuttin' yet Kaze...ABSOLUTELY FUCKIN' NUTTIN!
*The store owner coems out from the back with a old dustbuster in his hand and places it down.*
Jack Daniels: Yeah I'm sure Kaze will get all the sunction power outta that dustbuster. But this ain't 'nuff, he needs a few more welcome back gifts. Hmm, I know what he would get a kick outta of. Hey listen, this guy likes weapons...yeah weapons. Now he already has plenty of razors and knives and all. So how 'bout somethin' a bit different? How 'bout some ol' gun or something from World War I? Seein' as how he hasn't had a victory since then...I think that would add to his collection.
Antique Store Owner: Hmmm, guns. I think I can help you. As a matter of fact, I just got my hands on a few the other day *Walks to the back once again*.
Jack Daniels: What's the matter Kaze? Startin' to feel like you're waaaaay outta your league here? Startin' to realize that maybe ya should have just stayed where ever the fuck ya were all these years instead of tryin' to make a comeback? You're too damn predictable Kaze. You're this sick...that's sick and not sicc...sorry sunuva bitch that could never...eeevvver get it done on his own. That's why he always has some ass kissin' motherfuckers taggin' 'long like Rip Radah. And there have even been times when ya have been on the opositte end of things...ya bein' the one givin' the head and takin' the orders from that bitch Venom. Oops, did Jack Daniels just ruin the big surprise Kaze? Did Jack Daniels just give away your major plans for the NWW by mentionin' Venom's name? Ya know, it wouldn't surprise me one bit if this is all it was...one big setup for the three hundredth reunion of the FTW. Don't even bother sendin' this drunken bastard an invitation Kaze cuz quite frankly, Jack Daniels doesn't want to be associated with a couple of overrated sunuva bitches who get off at slicin' up fetuses and killin' hookers by throwin' 'em off balconies.
Don't ya get it Kaze? You're over with. Hell, ya never even begun for it to be over. Ya have one claim to fame and it's not that ya sucked Venom's dick. No, it isn't the fact that ya sliced up fetuses in your promos. It's actually the fact that ya teamed with the greatest this industry has ever seen...ya teamed with a livin' legend in the mkain'...ya teamed with Jack Fuckin' Daniels. No one could or ever did give two shits 'bout ya Kaze...and if they did, it was only 'bout 25% of the time when ya actually decided to show up for your matches. Ya would be better off dead Kaze, that's why Jack Daniels thinks that this antique gun would be just perfect for you. Ya could add it to your "sicc" collection and then use it to do the entire world of drunkaholics the biggest favor of their drunken lives and blow your fuckin' brains out. *Sudenly, the antique store owner makes his way out from the back with an old antique gun.*
Antique Store Owner: Here it is...an antique gun from World War I.
Jack Daniels: How did ya manage to get your hands on this?
Antique Store Owner: I bought it off someone from ebay.
Jack Daniels: Wait a second, this drunken bastard has just got an idea. Ya got a computer in here?
Antique Store Owner: Yeah.
Jack Daniels: Where is it? This drunken bastard has got some surfin' to do.
*The antique store owner directs Daniels to where his computer is. Daniels sits down and begins clicking the mouse. The camera works its way around to catch a glimpse of the screen. Daniels is sitting at the Ebay homepage.*
Jack Daniels: Here we are...the worlds largest online marketplace. Alright, sports memorabilia sounds about right *clicks it*. Ok...memorabilia...*cliks again and then types a bit*. We search for let's see, the NWW. Wow, who would have thought there would be so many memorabilia items from the ol' NWW? Here's an auction for a tape filled with ol' Snake interviews. 'Nother tape filled with tons of classic matches. Nah that's not what we're lookin' for. Some ol' T-shirts and crap. Wait a second...take a look at this auction here. The siccest promos ever *Daniels clicks on it*
Ya wanna see the siccest promos ever to be cut in this industry? Then look no further cuz this tape is loaded with some of the classic interviews from the siccest motherfucker ya have ever seen...The Kaze. In this set includes the infamous promo of the Kaze slicin' up a fetus...the promo that put him on the map.
Who in their right mind would be sellin' this shit? Wait a second...that seller name looks a bit familiar...Sadiztikk. Hmm, wonder how much he's sellin' it for? Does that say what this drunken bastard think it says? "Will sell for one anal raping?" Wait a second, look at this next auction...the official FTW metal prod used to brand all the greats. And how do ya like this, he wants three fetuses as a payment for this one.
Hey Kaze, I'll tell ya what, this drunken bastard is gonna sit here and keep lookin' for an auction just for ya. He's gonna look to buy ya a fuckin' miracle, cuz Tuesday...thie Tuesday night, that's exactly what you're gonna need bitch. If this drunken bastard were ya Kaze, I wouldn't even bother thinkin' 'bout the win, cuz that's a forgone conclusion. There is no way...or no chance of ya even comin' close to beatin' Jack Daniels in this day and age. Just pray...pray to the God of fetuses that ya walk outta this match with all your body parts still intact.
Till then...MOTHERFUCKER!
*And with that, the scene fades to black.*