*The scene opens to a wall clock. The clock indicates it is 8:30. Of course we're left to wonder whether it's am or pm. But take it from me, it's 8:30am. The second hand ticks by to the sound of a voice calling...*
First Voice: Carter...
Second Voice: Here.
First Voice: Connelly...
Third Voice: Here.
First Voice: Daniels...
*No response.*
First Voice: Daniels...
*The scene begins panning out to big white walls. We suddenly begin seeing a group of young people sitting down in what looks to be like a small auditorium. Wait a second, that guy stands out like a sore thumb. And it's no wonder, it's none other than everyone's drunken hero...Jack Daniels. Everyone seems to have a notebook out with a pen in their hand. But not Daniels, he's sitting there with his bottle of what else? You got it, his trusty bottle of Old No.7. Daniels snaps out of his little spell and finally responds to the voice.*
Jack Daniels: Uh yeah...this drunken bastard is here.
*The voice continues yelling out names, and one by one, each person responds with here. Well if you haven't figured it out yet, then put down the bong and start paying attention cuz we're in school. Looks like college by the varying ages of the students. And that voice, yeah you guessed it, it's the professor at the front of the room standing behind his podium in front of a huge chalkboard. The professor finally finishes and begins his lecture.*
Professor: Now, last time we talked about intergrating and deriving equations. Today, we will take a look at how all of this comes into play with real life scenarios and situations. So let me propose a situation to you and you tell me how we can set it up and figure it out, using what we focused on the other day. A man has 340 yards of fencing for inclosing two seperate lots, one of which is square and the other a rectangle twice as long as it is wide. Find the dimensions of each lot so the total area inclosed shall be a minimum. So now, can anyone tell me how to set this up? What's the equation we need to use here to derive the answer? You, in the back there, with that bottle of liquor. Jack Daniels was it? How do we go about this?
Jack Daniels: How the hell should this drunken bastard know? Do ya see a Home Depot logo on me? I don't know the first thing 'bout fences.
Professor: Well weren't you here last week? Didn't you do any of the assigned reading? Because if you did, then you should be able to set up this problem even if you don't know the first thing about fencing.
Jack Daniels: Come 'gain. Listen here pops...this drunken bastard is here for one reason and one reason only...to get his masters degree.
Professor: Well how do you expect to get your masters degree if you can't even set up this problem? And out of curiosity, what do youplan on getting your masters degree in?
Jack Daniels: How the hell is this drunken student supposed to know? All he knows is that he's got some jackass named Chip Masters tellin' him that this week he's gonna get his masters degree when I step in that ring. So Jack Daniels figured he would beat the sorry bastard to the punch and get his masters degree for his drunken self.
Professor: Just what exactly are you talking about and who is this Chip Masters?
Jack Daniels: Well...well...oh fuckin' well...it looks like all of ya need a schoolin' now. *Daniels gets up from his seat and heads down towards where the professor is standing* Ya see, the Chipper, well he's kinda like ya teach. He struts 'round the locker room, actin' all smug like he's better than everyone else, he preaches all that good tooshoo shit, drinks his milk, takes his vitamins....and tell every last one that he's gonna give 'em a masters degree. Now this drunken professor will admit, he was fooled at first thinkin' that the Chipper was lookin' to give a masters degree in some borin' shit like American history or...or...what the hell kinda class is this anyway?
Professor: Calculus.
Jack Daniels: 'Scuse me...did this drunken professor call on ya to speak? Even more so, did ya raise your hand to speak? I didn't think so. Have a seat son and start takin' some notes. Same goes for everyone else. Now, after Jack Daniels put two and two together, he realized that the Chipper wasn't tlakin' 'bout any of that...instead he was referrin' to a masters degree in the ring.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Now ya see, if the Chipper actually had any sense and if he did his homework, then he would know that who ya are all lookin' at standin' behind this podium...the man that is lecturin' all ya drunkaholics in this room today is none other than the drunken legend himself...Jack Fuckin' Daniels. There's no need to run down my accomplishment and accolades...although it does make for some good notes and good test questions. Ah what the fuck. A 6-time world champion...25 titles in all...nearin' 200 career wins...grand slam winner...interviewer of the year...matches of the year...drunkest of a fuckin' lifetime...the list just goes on and on and on. Jack Daniels has gone toe to toe with some of the greatest that have ever set foot in a squared circle. Haywood Jublome...Smirt...Prodigy...Grady...Thorne Richards. And every last one of 'em has realized just why Jack Daniels ain't to be fucked with. And the best part is...this Tuesday night, it becomes the Chipper's turn to realize the exact same as some of the other greats have.
Now this drunken professor knows exaclty what all ya drunkaholics are thinkin' and what that milk drinkin' sorry sunuva bitch is thinkin'. All those accolades...all those memories and recolections...it just makes Jack Daniels a has been. Jack Daniels is over the hill and out of his league. His legacy in this business is rapidly declinin'. That's where the Chipper is wrong. That's what they said 'bout this drunken bastard two years ago. And look where I am now? Still very much so at the top pf the wrestlin' mountain, whoopin' ass like there ain't no tomorrow. So Jack Daniels lost a match that put him outta a tournament he should have won. He lost to little Johnnie Storm? So what? So fuckin' what? Like the bastard said, all he had to do was be better than Jack Daniels on that day...and that he was. And the fact that my drunken head was put through a car window and damn near run down by a car half hour 'fore my match didn't help matters any. But hey...who's complainin'?
*A student raises his hand and Daniels notions to him to speak.*
Student: I think I know the answer to that question. The Chipper, right?
Jack Daniels: There ya go, now you're gettin' the hand of this. You're absolutely one hundred and fifty fuckin' percent right. After Tuesday night when the Chipper is handed his ass all rolled up like a diploma and wakes up the next mornin' with a fuckin' hangover and drinkin' milk through a tube, all you're gonna hear is his bitchin' and whinin'. Hell, we've already heard it. We've already heard him come out and rant on 'bout what everyone else in this world just loves to pick at 'bout this drunken professor. And that's his love...his passion for a good ol' bottle of Ol' No.7. So what Chipper? Jack Daniels sits back and takes down bottle after bottle after fuckin' bottle. Yeah, we all know that and we all thank ya for pointin' it out for the 375234758th time. I don't know what we would have done without ya Chipper.
But I do know one thing Chipper. Ya better figure out what you're gonna do without that US Title cuz the fact of the matter is, ya won't come 3 miles within the title. You're lookin' at the former NWW United States champion. As a matter of fact, this drunken professor still is the NWW United States champ seein' as how no one ever beat him for the title. So in essence Chipper, you've already got yourserlf into a US Title match with Jack Daniels. Hope you're happy bitch, cuz now...now you're in the worst position ya could possibly be in. Jack Daniels comin' off the rebound of a tough loss and now in position to regain his never lost his NWW US Title.
So with all that said, why don't we give this a go at a problem. Ok, this drunken professor has two tools for whoopin' ass, one of which is...*Daniels clenches his fist and looks at it* round and the other which is...*Daniels sticks out his foot and looks at it* let's say rectangular. Now this drunken professor wants to whoop Chipper's ass with these two tools. Chipper stands 6'4". So find the minimum amount of times this drunken professor must use his tools of whoopin' ass to ultimately whoop the Chipper's ass. Why don't ya drunkaholics take that brain buster of a problem home and get it back to me next time. So I'll see ya bastards on Tuesday then. And ya too Chipper...this drunken professor will be waitin' for ya in that squared circle to give ya a hands on lesson in ass whoopin' 101.
Till then...MOTHERFCUKERS!
Oh yeah...CLASS DISMISSED!
*And with that, Daniels grans his bottle of Old No.7, takes a swig and walks out of the room leaving the professor and students behind.*