*The scene opens and we find ourselves in some parking lot. The parking lot is packed, especially with larger pick up trucks and SUVs. As the camera pans around a bit we see the big orange sign that tells us we're set in the parking lot of Home Depot. Why are we here at Home Depot? Who the hell knows. But maybe that man stumbling towards the entrance can shine some light on that...Jack Daniels. Daniels has his trusty bottle of Old No.7 in hand as he's pushing one of those large metal carts into Home Depot. Wait a second...isn't that against the law? Doesn't that constitute as drunk driving? Well there's no cops around to make the charge. Only a cameran that Daniels takes notice too and begins speaking...*
Jack Daniels: Ya know there's a sayin'...ya bring your ass for the whoopen, and this drunken bastard will bring the tables and chairs for an even greater whoopen. That's all it takes. That's all that's needed. Got that Chip? Ya bring your sorry American ass to my drunken ring, Jack Daniels will bring his size thirteen boots...his drunken tables and drunken chairs...and most importantly...Jack Daniels is gonna bring the ass whoopen of a fuckin' lifetime.
But ya know all 'bout that, don't ya Chipper? Sure ya do...ya know you're American history. Ya know all 'bout when Jack Daniels whooped your ass no more than two months 'go. Now whether ya consider that American history or drunken history...that's up to ya Chipper. But in the end, it's all history. Until it repeats itself, just like it will Wednesdaynight when Jack Daniels shows ya just how to properly use tables and chairs with an American jackass like yourself. But first, we need the tables and chairs. And Jack Daniels is here at this Home Depot place to buy America's finest wood and steel.
*Daniels enters the store. Daniels stops and looks to see where he needs to go. He finally spots it and heads off in that direction as he takes a swig from his near empty bottle of Old No.7.*
Jack Daniels: Ya know Chipper, the word "American" bein' in any way associated with your sorry ass makes this drunken bastard wanna puke all over the harwdare aisle. And no, it ain't the Ol' No.7 stirrin' this drunken stomach. Cuz we all know...all the drunkaholics...all the marks...all the doctors acorss the country know that not only does Jack Daniels have a liver of steel...but a stomach of steel. It's just a damn shame that your head is thick yet softer than toilet paper Chipper. At a time when this great country needed someone to look up to...just when this great country needed a role model...a hero...someone to bring 'em outta this depression and state of shock...someone to lead 'em to the promise land of prosperity and happiness...ya go and turn your back on 'em. And ya wanna call yourself the "American Champion"? Ya should consider changin' that the the "Jackass Champion".
That could have been your bread and butter Chipper. Ya could have been shinin' in the spotlight right now Chipper. Ya could have been fulfillin' your so called dreams of becomin' somethin' Chipper...a World Champion. Instead, your curtain jerkin' each and every fuckin' week and havin' your ass handed to ya like it only should be. Now Jack Daniels knows exactly what you're thinkin' Chipper. Don't think for one single solitary second that just cuz this drunken bastard is in this match with ya this week, that it makes Jack Daniels a curtain jerker as well. Oh no siree Bob. What ya don't realize is that everyone fuckin' hates ya. Whether that's what you're aimin' to do or not, no one could give two shits. The fact that ya disgraced the NWW US Title just one short week 'go when ya tried to rename it and officially disunite it with the United States, has people linin' up to hand ya your ass on a silver platter. But no, none of 'em can. Instead, good ol' Eckert gave this drunken legend the nod. So now Chipper, it's become my duty...it's become a fuckin' obligation on behalf of all the drunken bastard in the locker room...on behalf of all the drunkaholics...on behalf of all the Americans in the world to whoop your ass and show ya that the American way...IS THE ONLY WAY!
Actually Jack Daniels lied...the drunken way works just as fine.
But ya obviously didn't see all of that did ya Chipper? Ya didn't see the big picture. Instead ya went the anti root. Ya went for all the heat. Ya went for the controversial role. Ya went the Bin Laden way. Now all ya need is to grow a full beard, a turban, and some bed sheets to wrap 'round ya and whamo...not only do ya become the most hated man in the country, but ya got yourself a kick ass haloween costume.
*Daniels spots an employee and stops to ask him something.*
Jack Daniels: 'Scuse me, can ya tell me where ya have wooden tables?
Employee: Yeah, all the way down, at the end of this aisle to your right.
Jack Daniels: *Daniels cups his hand over his eyes and looks down what looks to be an endless aisle* Ya got some binoculars?
Employee: No we don't sell those here.
Jack Daniels: What 'bout a taxi service or shuttle bus? Got any of those 'round here to take me all the way down there?
Employee: Lay off the liquor there pal. Kills brain cells just in case you didn't know.
Jack Daniels: All that knowledge and look at ya...still a shelf stock boy. Go figure. *Daniels walks away and starts heading for the tables.* I got myself a drunken idea.
*Daniels grabs a hold of his large Home Depot cart from the handle and starts...RUNNING?! No not running, sprinting. Daniels keeps on sprinting and sprinting down the aisle for a moment and...Daniels jumps up onto the cart...and DANIELS IS DRIVING THE CART DOWN THE AISLE! Wait a second, he's intoxicated. That's DRUNK DRIVING! Who cares. Look at Daniels steer that thing down the aisle. Damn he should be driving for Nascar. Listen to him...*
Jack Daniels: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAWWWWWW!
*Daniels avoids a few people and objects, but finally, he comes crashing straight into a large display of WD-40. Daniels goes flying off the large cart, through the cans and onto the floor. Daniels slowly gets up and shakes his head.*
Jack Daniels: Now let that be a lesson to all ya lil' drunkaholics out there, drinkin' and drivin' large Home Depot carts is dangerous...but fun as shit. Ah, and here we are...wooden tables.
*An other employee comes running over to the scene after hearing all the racket Daniel's collision caused.*
Employee2: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE?!
Jack Daniels: Some lil' menace came runnin' through here lookin' for his old man and knocked these over. I tried to stop the lil' bastard, but he bit me in my arm. LOOK! *Daniels extends his arm as if to show his wound* Anyhow, seein' as how you're already here, why don't ya go 'head and stack up 'bout six or seven of those tables on this cart here. *The employee begins loading up Daniel's cart with tables.*
Ya see these tables Chipper? Take a gooood look at 'em now, cuz after ya walk your unamerican ass down to the squared circle, ya won't see 'em in tact 'gain. No, instead, they're gonna be broken in half...in thirds...in a million fuckin' pieces after Jack Daniels keeps puttin' ya through some good ol' American made wood. These ain't like those cheap made tables they got over in Japan or Mexico Chipper. They don't break when a fly lands on 'em. Oh no...they take some power to crack 'em down the middle. But don't ya worry Chipper, this drunken bastard has got plenty of experience with puttin' people through tables.
Ya see Chipper, what it all comes down to is two simple words...YOU'RE FUCKED! Ya couldn't beat Jack Daniels then...and ya can't now. Now throw in some good ol' tables and chairs to the mix...and ya got yourself a situation that ya just can't fanagle you're way out of. Drink all the fuckin' milk ya can get your hands on Chipper, build those strong bones cuz they're gonna be taken to the limit Wednesday night. Come out and talk all the shit ya can on this drunken legend...not like anyone else out there wants to hear ya or anyone else for that matter, run their worthless lips on how Jack Daniels is over the hill. On how Jack Daniels is a drunk and can't function. Spare us the 4208496th time we've had to sit through one of those promos Chipper.
Instead Chipper, use that time to prepare yourself for an ass whoopen of monumental proportions. You're pissed ya lost your oh so precious title. This drunken bastard is pissed he lost his tag title. Throw some tables and chairs into the mix and what do ya get? One -really- drunken bastard and one fucked up American jackass beggin' for mercy and eventually surrendin' to the greater power. To the All American Drunken Legend.
Till then...MOTHERFUCKER!
*Turning to the employee* Now can ya tell Jack Daniels where he could find some steel folding chairs?
*The employee begins pointing and telling Daniels where as the scene fades to black.*