*The scene opens and there's no schmoozing around this week. There's no beating around the bush either. No long, detailed opening describing the surroundings. Why? Cuz all see is a closeup of the face of the drunken legend himself...Jack Daniels. Daniels has a dumbfounded, yet angry look on his face. And with that...this promo is on.*
Jack Daniels: ARE YA FUCKIN' KIDDIN' JACK DANIELS?! This is pathetic. Absolutely...utterly...completely fuckin' pathetic.
*Whoa. Daniels seems to be in rare form here. Could it be because of the number Haynes did on Daniels last week for childish reasons? Could it be cuz of his match this week against Napalm? The camera begins to zoom out a bit and suddenly, we see bottles all along shelves on the wall. Wait a second, we're in...yup, a liquor store. And Daniels is talking to some man behind the register.*
Jack Daniels: How could a damn liquor store not carry God's given liquor? How could a liquor store not carry this drunken legend's liquor? No Ol' No.7? Absolutely absurd. *Daniels turns and looks straight into the camera as he's leaving the store and heads down the road.* What...ya thought Jack Daniels was referrin' to his match this week 'gainst the so-called Hardcore champion, little Johnnie Napalm? Hell, this drunken bastard couldn't blame ya one damn bit for thinkin' so. Cuz ya see, just like the fact that a liquor store doesn't carry any Ol' No.7, the fact that Jack Daniels has to take on little Johnnie is just absolutely absurd. It's illogical. It's unreasonable. It's irrational. Holy whiskies...this drunken bastard needs some Ol' No.7 cuz he's startin' to spew out some big words that he never thought he was capable of spewin' out.
Not only that of course, but we wouldn't want to lose little Johnnie here seein' as how his vocubulary is at the level of 'bout a second grader. Yeah, ya bastards didn't hear the good news? Johnnie Napalm did it...he graduated the first grade and moved on up. Makes ya wonder just what else will happen...doesn't it?
Now Jack Daniels can tell ya what won't happen. And that's little Johnnie won't stand a fuckin' chance of survivin' this match here Wednesday night, let 'lone winnin'. Stop and smell the roses from time to time Johnnie. Did ya ever think just exaclty what ya are here for? Did ya ever think just what exactly the NWW needs from ya on a weekly basis? Look at the gold ya got 'round your waist Johnnie. The NWW Hardcore Title. Congradu-fuckin'-lations Johnnie. Ya just earned yourself a lifetime of beatings and unfulfilled promises. For years now Johnnie, ya have been bustin' your hardcore ass, tryin' to make a name for yourself, tryin' to fulfill your dreams of one day becomin' somethin'. Enter the NWW. Enter empty promises of bein' at the top one day and competin' for the coveted NWW World Title. Enter mid-card status...and never leave. What does Jack Daniels have to explain everythin' to your uneducated ass? Damn, it ain't easy bein' a drunken legend.
Ya see Johnnie, right now you're where ya always were and always will be. Smack dab in the middle of the card, fightin' for your life each and every week. They throw the Hardcore Title your way. No not cuz you're that hardcore. No, not cuz ya earned it either. They threw it to ya cuz they feel sorry...and they're fuckin' with your mind. They're danglin' that hardcore title in front of ya like a dirt farmer dangles a carrot in front of a jackass to get it to move 'long. They have no intentions of ever makin' ya anythin' Johnnie. They have no intentions of jump startin' your career. They have no intentions of helpin' ya what so ever. But they throw the Hardcore Title to ya to make ya believe they are. And if ya actually do...then ya are nuttin' but a JACKASS!
Holy whiskies...finally, a liquor store.
*Daniels walks in, goes about his busines, buys his Old No.7 and walks back out. Daniels opens the bottle and takes one long, hard swig.*
Jack Daniels: Ahhhh...that's priceless. Now that Jack Daniels is thinkin' a little more straight here, he knows just exactly what Napalm needs to hepl him, not only for Wednesday night, but for the rest of his career *Daniels continues walking*. Now Johnnie, don't jump the gun here. Don't think just cuz Jack Daniels thinks that this match is absurd, and illogical and all those other things I said, means that Jack Daniels don't give a flyin' fuck. Cuz ya see, the fact of the matter is that Jack Daniels does. Everyone's drunken hero cares'bout each and every match...and 'bout each and every opponent. He cares 'bout how he's gonna whoop his opponent's ass this week. He cares just how will his opponent wake up the next mornin' with a fuckin' hangover and 'nother notch racked up in the loss column. He cares just how much of a sweat he needs to win, so he knows just how much Ol' No.7 he needs later on that night. Ya see Johnnie, and ya thought no one gave two shits 'bout ya.
And if that's not convincin' 'nuff for ya Napalm, then Jack Daniels is gonna buy ya somethin' that no one else out there has ever thought of buyin' for ya. Jack Daniels is gonna show ya just how much he cares.
*Daniels walks into a store...you can only guess what this means.*
Jack Daniels: Hey, can ya help out a drunken bastard.
Employee: *Reaching into his pocket and pulling out some money, handing it to Daniels.* Here, this is all I got.
Jack Daniels: What? No ya buffoon. Jack Daniels ain't homeless...he ain't askin' for handouts. What I need from ya is to tell me the name of this gift I'm tryin' to buy someone. It's this program that helps people read, write, use proper grammer and all that useless crap. I think it's called somethin' like, Hook Up Da Ebonics?
Employee: *Thinking for a moment* Oh, you mean Hooked On Phonics.
Jack Daniels: Yeah, something like that. Fetch me up one of those. *The employee runs off to get one as Daniels looks down at his hand with the money the employee handed him, shrugs his shoulders and puts it in his pocket.* Fact is Johnnie, no one can stand to hear ya rattle on in your second grade nature. But hey, don't make Jack Daniels out to be the bad guy. He's just tellin' ya how it is...and hell, he's even buyin' ya the damn thing to help ya out. Who knows, with the help of this thing, which works wonders I hear...in three years, ya might be able to graduate and move on to a third grade level. Hey, anythin' is possible Johnnie.
But the one thing that isn't possible, the one thing that is absolutely...positively...6238975% not possible...is ya beatin' Jack Daniels on Wednesday night. It's as simple as that Johnnie. Not even a fuckin' miracle will save ya at this point Johnnie. All ya can do is go through withthis Hooked on Phonics program, and when you're all done, ya can say:
"Hooked on Phonics worked for me it's fucking amazing and i recommend you try it because it helped me immensely with my major problem of running on wihtout putting one of those period thingies anywhere and if it could help me Johnnie Napalm then it can help anyone in the entire world so go buy it now they make great gifts just like the one Jack Daniels bought me"
Damn, I'm even givin' ya a head start on becomin' their number one sponsor and promotin' this thing. What else could ya ask for from your drunken hero? What's that? Handin' Johnnie and ass whoopen Wednesday night? Ya got it.
Till then...MOTHERFUCKER!
*The employee comes back into the picture withthe Hooked on Phonics program in his hands as the scene fades to black.*