*The scene opens and we find ourselves in a studio of sorts. We see a plain blue background with lettering spelling out "Wrestling Celebrity Jeopardy". We see a couple of podiums all set up. Suddenly a voice is heard over the set...*
Voice Over: Our first contestant, from Cortland New York, he's a Triple Crown Winner and a legend in everyone's book, history book that is, please welcome, GRAAAADYYY SMIIIIITH!
*Suddenly an older, white haired man comes walking out from behind the set with a cane, and takes his spot at the third podium. Are you sure this is ?Grady Smith? Maybe in the next 50 years.*
Voice Over: Our second contestant comes to us from Sunnyside Queens, nobody's better than him...nobody...that's right, here's KAAAANYOOOON!
*This time, no look alike or anything, that appears to be the real Kanyon. Kanyon waves towards the corwd as he takes his position at the middle podium.*
Voice Over: And our final contestant, coming to us from Lynchburg Tennesse, a 6-time World Champion, he's the whole drunken show...The Drunk One...Everyone's drunken hero...heeeere's JAAAACK DAAAAANIIEEELLLLS!
*Daniels comes out from behind the set with his bottle of Old No.7 and takes his place at the podium.*
Voice Over: And your host, he's been involved in more matches than anyone in history. With more losses than wins, he has created a name for himself as perhaps the worst wrestler to ever set foot in a ring...JOOOOEEE LEMOOOOOONNN!
*The almight Joe Lemon comes out from the other side of the set and gets behind the host's podium as he begins speaking.*
Joe Lemon: Hello everyone, and welcome to wrestling celebrity jeopardy. I'm your host, and the worst host at that, Joe Lemon. Let's get right to it. Kanyon, you won the coin toss backstage, you select first.
Kanyon: Give me films for a hundred.
Joe Lemon: He starred in a recent love story involving a World Title, thankfully the film was rated PG-13 and no nudity or sexual situations were involved.
*Kanyon buzzes in first*
Kanyon: Your mother.
Joe Lemon: No, Mrs. Lemon has only done low budget x-rated films.
*Daniels buzzes in*
Jack Daniels: Wait a second, that sounds like that perverted bastard Ray Willmott. Believe this drunken bastard, I think I would rater see Mrs. Lemon in here films than Willmott in any of his.
Joe Lemon: Yes, you are right Jack. You have control of the board.
Jack Daniels: Let me have the number speaks for itself.
Joe Lemon: Also known as the Walking Triple Threat, Crazy Eddie, Mr. Deliant, the Dark Godd...damn could he have any more gimmicks?
*Kanyon buzzes in first*
Kanyon: He could, but he figured yours sucked so bad he returned it before he embarrased himself.
Joe Lemon: Too bad I didn't think of that earlier.
*?Grady? buzzes in*
?Grady Smith?: You have any polygrip? My dentures keep falling out.
Joe Lemon: Someone help me please.
*Daniels buzzes in*
Jack Daniels: Why that sounds like none other than the human walking gimmick machine, the guy, although he ahad more gimmicks than Joe Lemon had losses, never made anythin' of himself. Well, except for the time Jack Daniels won us the tag titles and put his sorry ass on the map. And the time Jack Daniels led myself and him to the finals of the MTT1 until he blew it like he always does.
Joe Lemon: That's nice Jack, but I still need an answer.
Jack Daniels: Oh, Jack Reed.
Joe Lemon: That is correct. Jack, your selection.
Jack Daniels: What does it matter, these two numbnuts can't get anythin' right.
Joe Lemon: Ok then. This "Money Maker" makes all of his money givin' head in the locker rooms.
*?Grady? buzzes in*
?Grady?: Just another mark?
Joe Lemon: No, but you'll probably become one after the head he gives. I mean no, that is absolutely wrong and I wouldn't know how good the head he gives is.
*Kanyon buzzes in*
Kanyon: Brain Eckert!
Joe Lemon: Seems like it would be the right answer but no, this isn't a question about sheep.
*Daniels buzzes in*
Jack Daniels: I shouldn't know this, but unfortunately I do. Only cuz this drunken bastard walked in on him the other day tryin' to position himself on this roster with Eckert himself. Jesus, you're disgustin' Copeland. Ya too Eckert.
Joe Lemon: Tell me about it. Anyway, why don't we just move on to the final round...the Bonus Question. And here it is:
Considering all the previous answers already given, he will kick all their asses this week at Rage and position himself at the very top of the NWW, exactly where he should be. Now although Kanyon and Grady don't have any money to wager, let's hear their answers anyway. We do need some type of comic relief on this show. Let's start with that old geezer Grady.
?Grady?: YOU'RE DEAD WRONG!
Joe Lemon: No, actually you're wrong, and I wish you were dead. Kanyon, what was your answer.
Kanyon: Chris Kanyon!
Joe Lemon: No, you're retired.
Kanyon: I am? Well why the hell didn't anyone tell me? God dammit.
Joe Lemon: I don't know what I was thinking. Jack, please tell me you know this answer. If you don't, then that is really pathetic.
Jack Daniels: Is there any doubts 'bout this answer? Is there any doubt in any of your minds that Jack Daniels ain't walkin' away the winner of this four corners match? Cuz if there is, the just let your drunken hero answer these doubts.
Joe Lemon: That's right Jack. Johnny, tell him what he's won.
Voice Over: Jack, along with your match Tuesday night, you have won yourself a six month supply of your favorite and everyone's favorite...Old No.7.
Jack Daniels: *Walking away from his podium and off the set" That's gonna cost ya bastards a helluva lot of money cuz that's a whole lotta Ol' No.7 for this drunken bastard. But ya know, for a change, Jack Daniels ain't gonna drink it all. What he's gonna do with some of it instead is hand it over to all of his three opponents, Jack Reed, Ray Willmott and Shawn Copeland. Why ya ask? Two simple reasons. One, they have themselves an excuse as why they looked so bad in that ring and Jack Daniels was runnin' circles 'round 'em. And two, hopefully if they drink 'nuff of it prior to the match, they'll pass out and black out. Ya see, it's a given rule, if ya can't remember it, then it never really happened. And if it never really happened, then that loss on each and every one of their records doesn't really belong there. Ya motherfuckers might wanna think twice 'fore ya turn down a bottle of Ol' No.7 'fore a match.
Jack Reed, ya never turned down Jack Daniels, did ya? In fact, ya stayed as close as possible with Daniels. Why is that? Is it cuz ya wanted all the success no one else could ever have except for Jack Daniels? Was it cuz ya wanted opportunities and tag titles ya would never see unless teamed with Jack Daniels? Or was it simply cuz ya never wanted to be on the other end gettin' your ass whooped by the absolute best in the business...Jack Daniels? If ya guessed all three answers, then ya are correct cuz ya see, each personality of Reed's tend to have a different answer. Sorry Reed, can't have an answer for every one of your personalities...this six month supply of Ol' No.7 wouldn't last me. And fact is, ya prolly wouldn't even last till then.
It's funny Reed how ya come back outta nowhere and suddenly, everyone gets scared and intimidated. They all think the Jack Reed of ol' is back to wreak havoc wherever he is goin'. They all think the World Chmapion calibur Jack Reed is back. But not Jack Daniels. Ya see, this drunken bastard knows that ya have lost it. Your so damn confused up in here *Daniels points to the head*, ya have no idea what you're doin' in that ring anymore. But Jack Daniels is beginnin' to think that ya never knew what ya were doin' in that ring to begin with. Jack Reed and Jack Daniels, NWW Tag Team Champs. Remember those days Reed. Remember the days when Daniels used to carry your ass in the ring to beat one of the best ever tag teams this circuit has ever seen? Or were ya to busy listenin' for that proctologist to ring that bell so ya could change your mindset? Maybe this will get your attention. *Daniels picks up a wrench and walks over to a metal pole holding up the set. He bangs the wrench on the metal pole producing a bell sound* Are ya in reality mode now Reed? Good, cuz ya need to realize one thing...one simple little thing that ya haven't been able to grasp 'fore cuz ya were too damn busy tryin' to figure out who ya are...and that thing is that ya ABSOLUTELY SUCK!
Speaking of absolutely sucking, this drunken bastard is reminded of Willmott. Now don't get Jack Daniels wrong, Raymott may have some skill in that ring. But ya see what has been stinkin' up this business as of late is the most pathetic, perverted, sickest title reign known to this circuit. And that belongs to the perverted one Ray Willmott. What's wrong with ya son? There was a time when the only way ya were headin' in this business was straight up. But just as ya got there, ya made your infatuation for the title known to the world. Ya carressed it, talked to it, called it honey or sweetheart. Damn son, I'm afraid to think what happenend the night ya won the title, or as ya like to say, married it. *Daniels grabs his head and shakes it* Ahhh the images in this drunken head. *Daniels grabs his bottle of Old No.7 and takes a long swig* Ah, that's better.
Ya see Ray, fact of the matter is that ya have gotten involved now. Ya have your feelings all mixed up in this now. Big mistake Ray Ray...very big mistake. Ya see, you're like a rookie on the job. Remember back when Ray Ray, you're very first job at Mickey D's? Ya started of like everyone else, up at the register taking orders. And then ya met her...ya met the love of your life, or so ya thought. the way she sold those fries and convinced people to supersize. Those Sunday afternoons ya spent together, cheering her on in the Special Olympics. And then it happened Ray Ray. Ya got promoted to assitant manager. And then what happened? Ya just couldn't go on with it anymore, could ya? Ya couldn't seperate business from pleasure. And now, that's exactly the scenario ya have gotten yourself into now Raymott. It gets ya off so fuckin' much to win that title, that ya just can't seperate the business part of it from the pleasure. And just like your job at Mickey D's, ya got your heart broken...your feeling's hurt. And it's gonna be the same result here Ray. I know ya want this match sooooo fuckin' bad ya can taste it. Ya want to go into this tourney as the favorite. Newsflash Ray Ray, you're not. And here's 'nother newsflash, by the time this tourney is over, and someone else other than ya has that title, as in Jack Daniels of course, you're feelings will be crushed once 'gain. You're heart will be broken once 'gain. Ya will just have to learn the hard way...once 'gain.
And then there was one. The one most pathetic piece of shit to ever set foot in a squared circle...Shawn Copeland. What is it 'bout ya Copeland that Jack Daniels hates so much? I just can't seem to figure it out. Is it the fact that ya cheesed out a win 'gainst this drunken bastard the only time we met? Nah, that ain't it. Is it the fact that ya think you're better than everyone else includin' Jack Daniels? Nah that ain't it either. Everyone thinks they are, until Jack Daniels tells 'em otherwise. Or could it be the fact that no matter how mnay time your ass is whooped, not only do ya think you're better than everyone else, but ya even believe it? Nah that doesn't seem to be it. Damn then what could it be? Hell, does everyone's drunken hero need a reason to hate the sorry sunuva bitch? I didn't think so. Just by lookin' at him, at the stupid snub look on his face. Just by listenin' to him...just by knowin' that he's alive is reason 'nuff to hate the sorry bastard.
Where did ya come fromanyway Cope? For the longest time, this circuit was a better place to be in since ya weren't. It was more low key and relaxed. No one had to worry 'bout ya comin' in and cheesin' out victories like ya sooo like to do. But hey, that's your style, as pathetic as it may be, that's ya. But now it doesn't matter what your style is cuz it ain't gonna matter in this match. Ya got three other people here that are easily qualified of whoopin' your ass on any given day. How does it make ya feel that the odds aren't in your favor anymore? Makes ya wanna pack up your bags and head back home, doesn't it? Makes ya wanna pull out that big fat wallet of yours and sart payin' people off...doesn't it? Alright tell the truth Cope, it really makes ya wanna go in a corner, hid and cry your eyes out. Oh, you're gonna be cryin' Cope, you're gonna cry like the little bitch ya are. Cuz the second ya finish watchin' what The Drunk One does best and that's cut a promo, you're gonna realize that there's no way...no fuckin' way that you're gonna be able to beat, let 'lone compete with Jack Fuckin' Daniels.
The weepin' might start now, but it ain't gonna be till Tuesday night when all of ya bastards start cryin' yourselves rivers. But, bein' the good drunken samaritan that Jack Daniels is, I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna give ya all a bottle of Ol' No.7. No no, not to take away the pain from the ass whoopen ya receive from these drunken hands. Rather, it's to be used 'fore the match. One, it will give ya all the excuse of not only why ya couldn't keep up with this drunken bastard, but just why JAck Daniels was runnin' circles 'round all of ya in the ring. And number two, and ya'll are gonna like this one...it never really happened. If you're drunk 'nuff, wake up the next mornin' with a fuckin' hangover, which ya will regardless if ya drink or not, and can't remember a damn thing that happened the night 'fore, then it never really happened. That loss that all of ya are gonna have on your record, it never really happened. Ya can say whatever the fuck ya want, but that win that will show up on this drunken bastard's record, it will happen...and it's for real. And this Tuesday night, Reed, Ray Ray and Cope...ya bastards will not only realize just how real Jack Daniels is...but that...
Till then...MOTHERFUCKERS!
*And with that, the scene fades to black.*