*The scene opens and we find ourselves in some sort of office building. We see a desk with a secretary sitting behind it answering phone calls, writing...typical secretary stuff. She's sitting in front of two large wooden doors. The camera pans out a bit and we see some chairs across from the doors. And wouldn't ya know it, occupying one of those chairs is none other than everyone's drunken hero...Jack Daniels. Daniels takes a swig from his bottle of Old No.7 as he sits and waits. Waiting for what you ask? Why don't we find out.*
Jack Daniels: All the drunkaholics and all the marks are prolly sittin' back, wonderin' exactly what this drunken bastard has got up his sleeve today. Especially one little Johnnie Storm. It's no surprise that Jack Daniels delivers thee most entertainin'...thee most powerful promos in this business today. And today...today's promo is gonna be no different than the others. Yeah ya got that right Storm...it's gonna most definitely suck to be ya.
Now bein' the nice drunken bastard that Jack Daniels is...after he's done verbally assaultin' ya today...after he's done physically assualtin' ya on Tuesday night, don't ya worry Storm. Ya don't have to go and hide from this circuit and re-question your pathetic career and do a complete makeover of your gimmick. No sirree Bob...Jack Daniels is here doin' that for ya right now Johnnie. No no...this drunken bastard is runnin' from store to store this time buyin' ya different outfits to fit suggested gimmicks. Jack Daniels is gonna make ya huuuuuge. Just ya watch.
*Suddenly, the secretary's voice is heard.*
Secretary: Mr. Daniels, Mr. Wentsworth is ready to see you now.
*Daniels gets up and walks through the double doors into some executive office. A man in a black leather swivel chair spins around and stands up to greet Daniels.*
Mr. Wentsworth: *Shaking Daniel's hand*Hello Mr. Daniels. It's nice to meet you. I hear you have some very interesting ideas to help me.
Jack Daniels: Oh does this drunken bastard ever.
Mr. Wentsworth: I must admit while I'm very anxious to hear your ideas, I'm also a bit confused at what a professional wrestler like yourself can do for me...the CEO of the greatest toy company in the world...Toys 'R Us.
Jack Daniels: Hell, I'll be straight with ya. I ain't no a damn thing 'bout toys or little kids or what not. But what this drunken bastard does know is that what ya need...what Toys 'R Us needs is a new mascot. Ya gotta get rid of that giraffe thing ya got and use something a bit more realistic...somethin' that little kids could relate to. Not only that, but somethin' that reminds grown ups they're always still a little kid in 'em.
Mr. Wentsworth: You make some very interesting points Mr. Daniels. But I still don't see how somethin' like this could be accomplished.
Jack Daniels: Very simple...make this man your new Toys 'R Us mascot *Daniels pulls a picture out of his back pocket and hands it to Mr. Wentsworth.*
Mr. Wentsworth: Who's this?
Jack Daniels: That's little Johnnie Storm. Hey even the name is a perfect fit. I'm tellin' ya, after this drunken legend gets done whoopin' his as Tuesday night, he can come to work for ya. What do ya think?
Mr. Wentsworth: HAHA! This is great. Look at this guy. He's a man but yet again, he looks like a little kid. And the name is perfect...Little Johnnie Storm.
Jack Daniels: I can just picture the little sunuva bitch singin' the song now. *Singing* I don't wanna grow up, I'm a Toys 'R Us kid...there's a million games and toys here that I can play with...*End singing*.
Mr. Wentsworth: Ohhh I think this is going to work out great. Thank you Mr. Daniels. When you get done whooping his ass, just send him here and we'll put him to work. He might suck as a wrestler, but this...this is perfect for him.
Jack Daniels: Sounds good. Now if ya don't mind, this drunken bastard has got 'nother appointment, not too mention he needs to finish verbally assaultin' little Johnnie.
*Daniels leaves the room and heads in an elevator. Before you know it, Daniels exits the building and is walking down the street. He takes a swig from his bottle of Old No.7 and continues speaking.*
Jack Daniels: Ya know Johnnie, this drunken bastard thinks that's just the gig for ya. Don't shoot it down just yet cuz we know and ya know that in a couple of weeks, when ya find yourself re-evaluating yourself and changin' your image, you'll see that this is the perfect fit. Not that cowboy, tough yet sensitive guy ya seem to be aimin' for now. Ya don't like anyone fuckin' with ya, yet ya sit 'round in the back, rubbin' your bitches stomach and takin' orders. Face the facts Johnnie, not only do ya stink it up in the ring...but you're whipped. If your bitch told ya to bend over cuz she was gonna rape ya with a strap on, you'd be bent over 'fore she could snap a finger.
But for now, ya should be down on your hands and fuckin' knees thankin' Jack Daniels every opportunity ya possibly have. Ya went from mid card status and cuz ya have to take on this drunken bastard...ya just got pushed all the way up to the main event. Savor the flavor jackass cuz ya'll surely never find yourself in main event status 'gain...not as long as this drunken bastard is 'round.
But seriously Johnnie, what makes ya think that ya actually stand a chance of goin' one on one with the Drunk One and then movin' on to the next round of the International tourney? Cuz ya won more matches thus far in the NWW than ya have all together in your career? Or could it be cuz it's only Jack Daniels you're goin' up 'gainst? I mean, that's what ya keep tellin' yourself each and every fuckin' time you're 'bout to step up in that ring and get your ass whooped. Ya go on and on 'bout how Jack Daniles is nuttin' but a drunken lush. Ya go on and on 'bout how Jack Daniels time is up. Is it Johnnie? Shit, sure as hell doesn't seem like it is. If it was in fact, than I wouldn't be the number one ranked bastard in this fed. If it was in fact, than i wouldn't be headlinin' main event after main event...now would I Johnnie? There's just a few things ya don't seem to understand Johnnie...like just how much ya ABSOLUTELY SUCK!
Tell me somethin' Johnnie...what are ya tryin' to accomplish by just poppin' your ugly mug up on the tub every single chance ya get, talkin' 'bout your bitch and your burrito? What, are ya tryin' to be like a commercial? The more someone sees it whether they like it or not, they'll be singin' the jingle without even realizin' it? Is that what ya have sunk too Johnnie? Well seein' as it is, this drunken bastard has got somethin' for ya that might be just perfect...even better than the Toys 'R Us gig. If it's commercial's ya want...then it's commercial's you're gonna get Johnnie.
*Daniels walks into another large building. He walks past a desk and into an elevator. The elevator goes up to the seventh floor. Daniels walks out of the elevatro and approaches a lady behind a desk.*
Jack Daniels: Hey there, are ya the lady I need to see 'bout the spot in the commercial.
Lady behind desk: Uhh yes I am. However I don't think you'd fit the spot.
Jack Daniels: Oh I know. But ya see, it ain't for me...it's for little Johnnie.
Lady behind desk: Oh little Johnnie. Well do you have a picture of little old Johnnie?
Jack Daniels: Sure do...*pulling out a picture from his back pocket and handing it to the lady*...here ya go. Look at him...just look at him. Can't ya just picture him as the poster boy for pull up Huggies Diapers?
Lady behind desk: You know, you do have a point. He would be perfect. We can take a new angle with this. Pull up Huggies are socially acceptable for adults as well. And with Little Johnnie here...he's an adult yet he looks like a little kid...it's perfect.
Jack Daniels: I knew it would be. *Loking into the camera* Don't ya see Johnnie...no one in the wrestlin' world gives two shits 'bout ya. Maybe they would if ya could sit down and figure out just exactly who you're gonna be today. Ya wanna be the Toys 'R Us mascot, runnin' 'round and singin' the song, then that's fine. Ya wanna be the poster child for pull up Huggies...hell that's great. But ya see, as long as you're someone or somethin', then maybe you'll actually get somewhere. Till then...just sit back and watch how it's done by your drunken hero. *Lookg back down at the lady* I'll tell ya what lady, how 'bout ya throw some of those pull up Huggies my drunken way, I'll take 'em over to little Johnnie so he can test 'em out and see how they work out.
Lady behind desk: Sounds good. You can pick up some pull up Huggies on your way out.
*Daniels turns and heads out. As he does he stops and someone hands him a package of pull up Huggies. Daniels looks at them and begins speaking*
Jack Daniels: Ya know Storm, ya might wanna consider tryin' one of these on when ya step in that squared circle Tuesday night. Why? Cuz you're gonna shit yourself realizin' what everyone else in this business has...that...
Till then...MOTHERFUCKER!
*And with that, the scene fades to black.*