The WRW's third PPV event, Brainless in Seattle.
If you missed the event by email, or you joined us after the event, check this stupid shit out.
I hope you love Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, because I do.
I hope you love Space Ghost's Cartoon Planet, because I do.
I hope you love hoes, cuz we don't here at...
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WRW
The World of Retard Wrestling
Brainless In Seattle
March 13, 1999
This shit ain't even rated.
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(Scene opens with Paul Z. and Mike Forti having a beer and talking about the old days of wrestling. Of when the word 'hardcore' wasn't in every sentence. The days before crotchchops and cursing. The days before nudity and "Suck It". And yes, even the days before Retard Wrestling. It was a dark time, but it was simpler. Athletes could make a living for twenty or thirty years. Now, the wrestling life span is probably eight or nine years tops. Paul turns to the camera.)
PZ: Speaking of life spans in wrestling, one man's life span will come to an end tonight as Joe Bob-Bob Joe battles Guy In Wheelchair on top of the Space Needle tonight, and we don't go home until one of those freaks is dead. Stubby has gone on vacation for a while. We talk to Squirts about his belt tonight. And we have the first ever simultaneous cage match, as Crash Test Charlie plays Rock Paper Scissors against Mr. Speck, while at the same time Harlowe Quimby fights the Dwarf in a one pinfall contest. Both matches happen at the same time, and they happen IN THE CAGE!!! Let's go to Tourette's Boy for the ring introductions to our first match..
TB: Ladies and FUCK Gentlemen. Our opening contest is scheduled for one fall, and is for the World of Retard Wrestling Fag Team Championships. Coming to the ring first, the challengers, the team of Fly Girl and Oingo Boingo!!!!
PZ: They are throwing coffee to the crowd again! This is becoming crazy.
TB: Now making their way to the ring area, your WRW Fag team champions of the World...Anna Rexia and the Epileptic Warrior!!!!!
MF: Man, the fans have really taken to these two.
PZ: Yeah, these punk ass fans have tendency to cheer for you when you have a belt around your waist.
(Ding Ding)
PZ: OH SHIT!!!!! Dr. Ben Dover just hit Fly Girl over the head with that stethoscope, and she is down and out. I can't believe this. The ref didn't even see that shit.
RM: Yeah. She's down.
PZ: And now Anna and the Warrior are just pounding on the three armed boy. This shouldn't be happening. This is just wrong. Anna holds Oingo, and Dr. Dover turns on the strobe, and now the Warrior is flailing and beating the shit out of Oingo Boingo.
MF: Come on, man. You're the Commissioner, make this shit stop.
PZ: I don't think I'll have to, cuz here comes the Franchise...FIRE HYDRANT BOY!!!
MF: What the hell does he have in his hand?
PZ: The Loserweight Title Belt.
MF: No, the other hand.
PZ: It looks like a pot of coffee!! HE'S in the ring!!!! He pours the hot coffee on the Warrior, and he rolls out of the ring in pain.
FHB: Anna, you fat hog.
Anna: Oh, it's true it's true. (crying)
PZ: Haha. The old boy told her she was fat, and she just collapsed crying. Now he's whipping her ass with the loserweight strap. This is great.
MF: Now Fly Girl and Oingo Boingo are in the ring, and they all have coffee pots???
PZ: This is what I've heard about on the internet. By the way, your winners by DQ, the champs.
FHB: This is tha noo groop heer in WRW.
OB: We call ourselves the Specially Educated Coffee Squad.
FHB: Yeeaw. Butt yoo can jusst call uss SECS (pronounced 'sex')
Fly Girl: Hi everybody. Varoooom. I'm in a group. Hi mom!
(they leave)
PZ: So there you have it. SECS has been formed. The coffee gimmick has been explained and we can all get on with our lives. Our next match pits The Proctologist, former world champion, against Dead Man Not Walking, who has already fought in a steel cage match tonight. That man, like him or hate him, is a force to be reckoned with. Now, the Proctologist is no doubt attempting to get revenge on DMNW after his appearance from the rafters which cost the buttman the belt. And here we are. Let's get the word on this one.
TB: This match is a grudge match scheduled for one fall.
("99 ways to die" by Megadeth plays over the sound system)
TB: Introducing first...from Sarasota, Florida, the man, the myth, the corpse...Dead Man Not Walking!!!!!!!!
(fans boo and throw shit at him)
TB: And his opponent....from Butte, Montana...being led to the ring by the BUTTer Girl, former heavyweight champion of the world...THE PROCTOLOGIST!!!!
(Ding Ding)
PZ: The Proctologist is already licking his fingers! He must think something is gonna happen.
MF: There it is!!!! The Rectal Exam!!!!
PZ: Man, this one was over before it started. Dead Man is out cold.
MF: Why isn't the ref checking him. The man is out.
PZ: There he goes he's trying his arm.
Ref: Lifts the arm, and it drops
Lifts it again, and it drops again.
Lifts it the third time, and it drops.
(Ding Ding)
TB: Here is your winner, THE PROCTOLOGIST!!!
PZ: Damn, what a shitty ass match. Dead Man just isn't putting into his fights what he used to. Well, we might as well move right along. Hold this, runner.
RM: OK.
(Paul Z. grabs a remote mike and heads to the ring.)
PZ: Ladies and gentlemen, it is my honor to bring out right now...The reigning WRW Heavyweight Champion of the World...SQUIRTS!!!!
(Dave Matthews' "Don't Drink the Water" plays. Out comes the diuretic world champion. He slides into the ring. He stands near Paul Z. with his legs kind of crossed.)
PZ: So, Squirts, you haven't defended that title belt. Ever. How do you feel about that?
Sq: I feel like I have to potty real bad.
PZ: Ahhh. I see. Do you have any excuses why you haven't defended your belt yet?
Sq: Ummmm. I've been busy.
PZ: Doing what, may I ask?
Sq: Shitting, mostly. A little bit of roof repair, but mostly shitting.
PZ: Do you actually want this belt?
Sq: Yeah, it's just nothing I can control.
PZ: Well before I strip you of this belt, I'm gonna give you one last chance to control yourself. If you can stand here without shitting for thirty seconds, I'll let you keep that belt, OK?
Sq: Yeah.
PZ: But if you slip up, it's back to the rest of the pile with you, comprende? So let's start the clock now. What? There's nobody to start the clock? Well then why don't we bring out our special guest time keeper for this little deal.
Sq: Please no Please no Please no
PZ: Sarah Michelle Gellar
Sq: DamnDamnDamn
PZ: Might want to cross those legs a little tighter, Squirty old boy. Start the clock.
SMG: One
---Two
---Three
---Four
Sq: Aww hell with this (throws belt down) I have to shit like crazy.
PZ: Well, fans. There you have it. The world title has been vacated here tonight. Shit, now I have to come up with some way for this to be decided. I should have just kept my big mouth shut. Thanks Sarah, honey. I'll be back in the dressing room in a little while to take care of what we talked about.
(He goes back to the broadcast location)
PZ: What's our next match gonna be?
MF: I don't know. You own this god damned company.
PZ: Oh yeah. Why don't we save the death match for later. Right now, we'll have the Simultaneous Cage match.
TB: Introducing the competitors in our Rock, Paper, Scissors Steel Cage match...best two out of three.
("I Touch Myself" by the Divinyls plays...the theme for the Nation of Fornication)
TB: Coming to the ring...the insane...the human clone...CRASH TEST CHARLIE!!!!!
PZ: I can't believe I agreed to this Rock Paper Scissors match. This is so stupid.
TB: His opponent...
(The Theme from "Star Trek" plays in the background)
TB: MISTER SPECK!!!!!!!!!!!!
PZ: I hope this match is overwith in a hurry. The wrestling ring is no place for Rock Paper Scissors.
TB: And now, the second match. Introducing first, from Sanderlund, Ontario, the donut man himself...HARLOWE QUIMBY!!!!!!!!
PZ: Maybe he'll beat the ass out of the guys playing rock paper scissors.
TB: And his opponent, from the Seven Hills of Gold, led to the ring by the lovely and marvelous stupendous vivacious effervescent Snow White, the former holder of no titles...THE DWARF!!!!!!!
PZ: And down comes the cage. Whoops, look out Snow White. Wouldn't want the cage to get caught on your clothing and pull it off.
MF: Yeah we do.
PZ: Shut the hell up.
(Ding Ding)
PZ: This one is underway, and Speck and CTC are getting prepared to throw for the first time. Now Dwarf and Harlowe are turning the ring into a big mosh pit. They're slamming around into CTC and Speck. Now everyone's joined in.
MF: God, when you put this many mentally handicapped athletes in the ring at the same time you have to expect shit like this to happen. Do they even know there's a match going on?
PZ: They must, because Dwarf and CTC are teaming up on Harlowe, now. They are beating his ass, and Speck is just watching. All he's doing is playing Rock Paper Scissors, so it really does no good to take out your opponent. He's found himself a seat in the corner.
MF: He could be helping out the donut boy, though. Oh well, Harlowe won't last long like this. It's two on one, and the crowd seems to love it. Now they double whip Harlowe into the buckle into SPECK!!!!
PZ: Now I have a feeling this is going to be a fair fight. Speck spears CTC!!!!!! Charlie is down. That doesn't hurry along the RPS match, though. Dwarf hits a DDT on Harlowe Quimby!! A pin!!
-----1
-----Not even a 2
PZ: Quick kick out by Harlowe. He's hanging in there. Dwarf picks him up and kicks him in the groin. Snow White cheers.
MF: They look like they're getting ready to shoot over here.
PZ: Who Charlie and Speck?
MF: No the fans standing behind Snow White.
PZ: Haha. Oh yeah. Harlowe is retaliating on the Dwarf, now. He's dropping some huge fists on his head. Dwarf is backed into the corner. He's laying the boots to him now.
MF: Here they go. CTC is counting: One Two Three Shoot!
PZ: Fuck. Two rocks. Sounds like every e-fed on the internet.
MF: Yeah, I know. "The Rock is gonna lay the smack down on your rootie poo candy ass when he fights you this weekend, other Rock."
PZ: Yeah, usually two Stone Colds, too. And six Goldbergs and five Mankinds.
MF: Welcome to the tournament to decide the Goldberg Champion.
PZ: Haha. Well, we should get back on task. Harlowe is still on top of the Dwarf. He's pounding him in the corner still.
MF: Wait. They're ready again. One Two Three SHOOT
PZ: Son of a bitch! Somebody take something other than 'rock'!!
MF: I smell what the scissors are cooking.
PZ: Too late. I already said that.
MF: Well, I bet I make the quote board with it.
PZ: Whore.
MF: Yep, but you gotta love the money.
PZ: Anyway, you goofy fuck. A Stunner by Harlowe!! He's got a pin!!
-----1
-----2
-----Kick out
PZ: Good move by Harlowe Quimby.
MF: Wait, check this out. One Two Three SHOOT
PZ: Oh damn. Two papers, what a surprise. Each man thinking the other was going to use 'rock' again. Actually thinking. How about that. Now Harlowe has the Dwarf up over his head!! A HUGE SLAM to the canvas. Another cover....
-----1
-----2
-----No.
PZ: Wow, the Dwarf is sliding out of those pin attempts. He's taken a lot of punishment thus far.
MF: Can't be more punishment than he's taken from Snow White bouncing all over his ass.
("heigh ho heigh ho" by Marilyn Manson plays)
PZ: NOW WHAT THE HELL?????
MF: It's another dwarf. He's just standing in the entrance way. He's in a long black trenchcoat...actually, it's not all that long. He's about the height of the Dwarf, and looks kind of like him, actually. He's just watching the match.
PZ: Wait...in the ring. One Two Three SHOOT
MF: Finally. Speck counters CTC's paper with a big ass set of scissors, and Speck is up one to nothing.
PZ: That took long enough. What the hell is going on with that dwarf lookalike? SECURITY!!
(Security escorts the dwarven freak out of the arena)
PZ: That Manson version of that song just gave me the creeps. Who was that guy? HEY DWARF do you have a long lost twin brother?
MF: Haha. Yeah, he's in my pants.
PZ: God dammit. Well, Dwarf is now taking the upper hand once again on Harlowe. He's kicked him in the shins and has him almost down to Dwarf level. Dwarf is climbing the turnbuckle!! He dives and connects with a double axehandle. A pin...
-----1
-----2
-----Nope
PZ: Harlowe just snuck out of that. I thought it was all over.
MF: We've got the other two getting ready again. One Two Three SHOOT
PZ: Aaaahhh. A Rock for Speck's scissors, and Charlie makes it one to one. Next person to win a head to head wins the whole match. Dwarf whips Harlowe into the steel cage!! Harlowe is down in the corner of the ring, holding his head. Dwarf picks Harlowe up and he's signaling for the Dwarf Drop. He whips him to the ropes and Dwarf Drop...noooo it's reversed into FAMILY VALUES!!!!! Both men are down!!
MF: This could be it between Charlie and Speck. One Two Three SHOOT
PZ: Nope, two rocks again. Those bastards. I wish they'd just end this so I could watch the other match. Dwarf and Harlowe are still down. Harlowe is moving, and he rolls on top of the Dwarf...
-----1
-----2
-----3
PZ: No, last second kick out. Dwarf still has some life left in him.
MF: Here go the other guys again. One Two Three SHOOT
PZ: Two scissors'. Hmmm looks like they each guessed the other's actions a little bit off. Either that or they just kind of picked scissors. Aww hell. Somebody shoot both of those rumps. Harlowe and Dwarf are back up and exchanging blows, even though they look to both be on empty. Harlowe swings and hits Charlie in the head. Charlie is down, and now Speck sits back down in the corner.
MF: Harlowe hits a cross body splash on Dwarf, who falls back over Charlie's body. A pin...
-----1
-----2
-----NOOOOO
PZ: Damn, that was close. Charlie is trying to get up now. Speck is just watching the situation. Harlowe is picking up the Dwarf. Charlie uses the old Three Stooges double poke in the eyes trick on Harlowe, which leaves him blind. He's turning around.
Speck: One Two Three SHOOT
PZ: Speck wins. What a move on his part. He saw that Charlie had his fingers in the 'scissors' form from poking Harlowe in his eyes. He rushed out with a quick count, and a ROCK, and this one is all over.
MF: Sweet.
PZ: But now Harlowe is feeling his way around. He can't see. He trips and stumbles into the DWARF DROP!!!!!
-----1
-----2
-----3
(Ding Ding)
PZ: This match is history, thank god. Mr. Speck has defeated Crash Test Charlie in the Rock Paper Scissors match, and Dwarf puts out Harlowe Quimby following a Dwarf Drop.
MF: I still want to know who that other Dwarf was. That was messed up.
PZ: They're raising the cage here in the Space Needle, and we're going to get set for our last match of the evening. It is the On Top of the World Flying Whirlwind of Death Match.
MF: What the hell?
PZ: Come on, Mike. You know we over dramaticize everything. But tonight, ladies, just for you we put some chlorine in the dating pool, as one of the freakiest men in WRW will lose his life. Either Joe Bob-Bob Joe or Guy In Wheelchair will be dropped off of the top of the Seattle Space Needle, and plummet to their death. We are just about ready, so lets...Hold on I feel a rumbling. That can only mean one thing.
("All You Can Eat" by the Fat Boys plays)
PZ: Here comes Diane Kronson. They call her ratgirl, but they should call her the behemoth. Rats are small and she ain't.
(Ratgirl slaps up some fans. Then rolls into the ring. She has a microphone.)
DK: I know my man is in the billding. Dominick honey come out here.
(The theme from "Shaft" plays)
PZ: Here he comes. The most electrifying pimp in sports entertainment today. The Franchise of WRW...Fire Hydrant Boy.
(He is standing outside the ring staring at ratgirl. He is wearing a purple overcoat, his purple fedora with the green feather in it, and his shoes with the miniature fish tanks in the heels. In his right hand, he holds the WRW World Loserweight Title belt.)
DK: What is going on with you? You come and go as you please. You talk about how you have women around you all the time. Now you join a new group without me? What are you trying to do? Don't I mean anything to you anymore?
FHB: Ya. I luv all my bigg ass hose. Akshully, I dont luv hose. Ime a strate pimp, and yoo aint nuthin butt a hooka. If yoo wanna git with tha strate pimp Silkee, yoo can stepp on upp. Elss yoo mite as well go hitt tha streets. No wut Ime sayin?
DK: So you don't love me anymore? I'm just going to leave, then.
FHB: Naw, bitch. Yoo dont needs to stepp off. Ime alwaze lookin fo' hose. Doo yoo hav my munny, beeeatch?
DK: I AM NOT YOUR HO!! I'M YOUR WOMAN AND YOU LOVE ME.
FHB: Hahaha. Aint that sumthin. Tha strate pimp Silkee luvvin a ho. I thingk yoo dunn smoked too much crak there, Ratty.
DK: YOUR NAME IS NOT SILKY. YOUR NAME IS DOMINICK INGRAO, AND YOUR WRESTLING NAME IS FIRE HYDRANT BOY.
FHB: OK, ho. Cum home wif mee, and weel see wuts up wit yoo. If I can gits me sum of this, maybee yoo gots a fyoocher in tha bizzniss.
DK: God dammit, Dom. You just don't get it.
FHB: I git it evree nite. Wy dont yoo tern around and weel see wat yoo gots fo' mee.
(Ratgirl turns around. As she faces the other way, FHB aka Silky busts her hard with the belt, knocking her half stupid, if she wasn't already.)
FHB: Now wut, ho? Yoo juss like all tha resst. Now yoo on yo' neez. Peeess out, ho. Yoo had yo' chanss, now yoo on tha streets.
(FHB leaves, and Ratgirl Diane Kronson is down in the ring. Event staff comes down and helps her to the dressing room area. She is crying.)
PZ: Damn, that was unexpected. Well, our sacrificial freaks are out on the top of the tower here in Seattle, so why don't we get some cameras out there.
TB: This match is scheduled for one fall off of the tower, and has a one hour time limit. Introducing first...
("Dueling Banjos" plays out of speakers at the top of the tower.)
TB: JOE BOB-BOB JOE!!!!!!!!
PZ: Well, even though both these guys suck, at least we get to see death today.
TB: His opponent,
("Proud Mary" plays over the loudspeakers)
TB: From Lansing, Michigan...GUY IN WHEELCHAIR!!!!!!!!
(Ding Ding)
PZ: Guy in Wheelchair is chasing Joe Bob, and Joe Bob is running for his life.
MF: Is his name Guy like "hi guys" or like "Gee" like hockey players?
PZ: I think it's Guy like 'hi guys'. Pretty good question.
MF: I'm gonna call him Guy like french folks.
PZ: They've lapped the tower once now, and Guy hasn't caught him yet. He's gaining though. He's about caught up now. He fell out of the chair!!! The two men are grappling on the top of the tower. They are rolling around on the ground near the edge. They need to get away from the edge. They roll toward the center now, away from the edge.
MF: What the hell is that rumbling?
PZ: Earthquake!!!!!!!!!!
MF: No it's not. Look!
PZ: It's Kronson!!!!!!!!!!!
MF: Damn, she's as big as the top of the tower almost.
PZ: Come on, now. She's grabbing BOTH MEN!!!!!!! SHE throws them off of the top of the tower to the ground!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Splat*
PZ: She's pounding her chest now. She seems to have gotten over FHB.
MF: I think she couldn't stand not being the one in WRW to kill somebody else. She's increased her kill total to five now. She can't be stopped.
PZ: Well, that was the last match of the evening. As they scrape up the two former WRW athletes below, we wish you all a good weekend, and we'll see you next week. For the runner and the Hoosier Daddy, this is the Cerebral one saying help control the pet population. Have your dog or cat spayed or neutered today. Good night.
(The scene cuts to a helicopter circling the Space Needle. It is filming Diane Kronson running like crazy all over the top of the tower. The Space Needle shifts with her immense weight. The copter finally gets around to the far side. Scrawled in what looks to be fudge, is the phrase "FIRE HYDRANT BOY LOVES D.K. OR ELSE". Kronson beats her chest like King Kong as she stands over the chocolate words. She hops up and down as the scene fades to black.)
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