One Small Step For Man<br>One Giant Leap For A Retard
The WRW's First Pay Per View Event
One Small Step For Man...
If you missed the PPV by email, or you joined us after the event, check this stupid shit out.
I have a dream.
I have a dream that one day, little boys with hockey helmets and little
girls with hockey helmets will hold hands with normal boys and girls.
I have a dream that the boundaries between the educated and the
specially educated will be torn down, allowing the two to frolic in the
gardens of togetherhood.I have a dream, today! But until then, there's........
WRW
The World of Retard Wrestling
Our First Pay Per View Event
"One Small Step For Man, One Giant Leap For A Retard"
==============================================================================================================================================
Paul Z: Ladies and gentlemen, and whatever else is out there, welcome to the WRW's first ever event. I'm not going to repeat it cause its long. Well, my name is "Cerebral" Paul Z., and I am here with my color man, Dave "The Running Man" Dives. Dave, say hello to the folks.
Running Man: I'm down. Gotta go.
PZ: I guess I have to explain something about the runner. His whole life is in a little notebook. Everything he does he schedules a time where he has to be done by. If he's not done by the allotted time, he goes psycho. He's down right now, so we're just going to let him go. Later, Dave.
RM: I'm down. Bye.
PZ: Let's get to our first match. We are going to go live, via satellite to Chuck E. Cheese's in Amherst, New York, where the newcomer Pillowman is set to take on young Ashley...Smack Daddy the 2 Year Old Child Prodigy. Let's go down to the pimply faced kid manning the ball pit.
Kid: Okay, both of you into the pit.
("Firestarter" by prodigy plays over the intercom at Chuck E. Cheese)
PZ: Now introducing the first competitor in this Chuck E. Cheese Slaughterhouse 5 Ball Pit Match, Smack Daddy the Two Year Old Child Prodigy!!!!!! Her opponent, weighing in at.....
(Kid Interrupts)
Kid: Excuse me sir. Don't you see the big cut out mouse next to the ball pit? He says if you are taller than my hand, you can't go in.
Pillowman: Vut dis is vy vatch at the vubble-u R vubble-u vayverview. I have to vit in vare.
Kid: Rules are rules, sir.
(Pillowman slips the kid a twenty that the tooth fairy left under him last night)
Kid: Alright, as long as you stay on your knees.
(Ding Ding)
PZ: Man, what an unfortunate incident that may have been if Pillowman was not allowed to fight in the opening bout here at that long ass name of this PPV. Well, this match is underway, and they are staking each other out. Ooh, Pillowman whips a ball at Smack, but she ducks and it hits the net wall. She looks angry, almost as if she needs to use potty. She's beginning to climb the rope wall, wait! Here she comes diving off of it! She connects with a huge elbow. Pillowman is dazed. She kicks him below the old belt line, if you know what I mean. She throws a ball at his head, and knocks him silly. She's going for the pin!!
-----1
-----2
Kick out! man that pimply faced kid counts fast! We're back to action, and Smack is covering Pillowman's limp carcass in balls! She's climbing the wall again! She jumps off the wall and connects! No! Pillowman did the underball-swim to the other side of the pit. He's lining her up for the Snuff Out, but he misses. Smack hits the Big Ass Headbutt!! That's her finisher! the cover, the count
-----1
-----2
-----2 and nine tenths
Kickout by pillowman. Wow what an opening match.
RM: I'm down. Got my dry cleaning. Gotta get dinner. I'm down.
PZ: Of course you are. Back to the match. Smack throws a ball at Pillowman but he ducks. It hits the spinning ferris wheel ride and turns it on! What the hell? It's spinning right next to the ball pit. Pillowman watches the wheel, but Smack has a Schoolboy pin from behind!
-----1
-----2
Kickout AGAIN by Pillowman. Smack Daddy has Pillowman lined up in the middle of the pit. She's climbing the wall and...Oh my god! The ferris wheel just hit her and knocked her down into the pit! Pillowman is up. SNUFF OUT!!! He hit it!!! Hooks the leg...
-----1
-----2
-----3
Yes!! Your winner of the first ever WRW match, Pillowman!! Well, if Running man were here, I'd be saying "Wow, wasn't that a great match, Running man" and he'd say "I'm Down". Screw him. I need to hire a new color man. Pillowman, come down here and do some colorwork for me.
Pillowman: vokay, vut I don't vpeak vat vell.
PZ: On second thought, get the hell out of here. I can't understand a word you say. Well, it's your commissioner Paul Z. here flying solo for the evening, I guess. We'll go right down to the ring for our next match; the only real wrestling contest tonight decided in a ring. This one should be interesting. It's for Jobber bragging rights throughout the WRW. Let's go to ... me for the introductions.
Making his way to the ring, carried by a member of the WRW stage crew, Bag of Rold Gold Pretzels!!!
(Crowd of seven people is suddenly wishing they had decided to go to Bingo tonight instead of come here)
His opponent, being wheeled to the ring by his manager, Man with Wheelbarrow; Dead Man Not Walking!!!
PZ: Look at all the Dead Man Not Walking signs in the crowd! There's two of them. More than 25% of the crowd has DMNW signs! He is a phenomenon. Man with Wheelbarrow is trying to get his man into the ring as the referee rings the bell
(ding ding)
Man with Wheelbarrow gives one final push to DMNW, and the corpse falls through the ropes... Oh My God!!!!!!! He fell on top of Bag of Rold Gold Pretzels!!! The ref counts...
-----1
-----2
-----3
That's it. It's over. Dead Man Not Walking has won this match. What may be more important is the health of the Bag of Rold Gold Pretzels. The bag popped when DMNW fell on him, and there are pretzels everywhere. Here comes a bunch of wrestlers from the back. Oh no, it's only one. "Ratgirl" Diane Kronson. Damn, she's so big she looked like a bunch of people. She's EATING ROLD GOLD PRETZELS!!!!!!! Oh my god, the humanity!!!!! This is disgusting, I can't watch. Somebody get her out of here.
RM: I'm even. This is great.
PZ: You just missed one WRW athlete eating another!! We have witnessed out first casualty of the World of Retard Wrestling.
RM: Uh oh. I'm down. Gotta go.
PZ: Family of Rold Gold Pretzels, our prayers are with you, and we hope we can be of some help during this painful and trying time. Right now, we are going to go down to the parking ramp next door to the arena for our parking ramp fight for the remote control in Fire Hydrant Boy's house. It is to my understanding that the Koosa slept in the parking ramp all night to get a feel for the environment. I just thought it was odd since he is a STUFFED ANIMAL!! Well, I guess this shit is all my fault. It was my dream to start a wrestling league where the not so fortunate could fulfill their dreams just as the men they see on TV. I have labored over this league for months, and now that I've seen the product, I want to shoot myself in the face with a bazooka. Well, lets start the next match. We'll just intro FHB, since the Koosa is already in the ramp...I'm getting word from the producer that I should intro Koosa anyway...Already in the ramp, Koosa (How's that, butthole).
RM: I'm up. I can't believe it.
PZ: Good, sit the hell down and do your job. This running crap is coming out of your pay, you know. Now coming to the entrance of the ramp, strolling around to the tune of "Shaft", it's the Franchise of WRW, Fire Hydrant Boy!!! Jesus Christ. The Franchise is fighting a stuffed cabbage patch doll at our big pay per view. I need to be put away for a while; again.
RM: The security guy won't let FHB into the ramp. He needs $6.50.
PZ: Here. Take this to him. Tell the rent a cop that his job is as good as gone. Well, I'm out of my mind AND six fifty. What a great Pay per view. Anyway, Fire Hydrant Boy has payed the six fifty and is looking for the Koosa. Nobody has a clue where he is.
RM: Wow. That little run put me way up.
PZ: Great. Has Fire Hydrant Boy found him yet? Boy this is exciting. Who thought of these dumb ass gimmick matches? Dammit. Wake me up when he finds him.
RM: If Fire Hydrant Boy wanted to make good time, he'd put a little spring in his step. He's just not trying. Wait! He sees something...It's a fire hydrant...He's yelling at it. He wants the hydrant to stop following him. He walks backwards and trips over KOOSA!!!!! He found him!!
PZ: It's about time. Pin the little bastard. Fire Hydrant Boy hits the DDT and goes for the pin...
-----1
Kick out by Koosa. How does a cabbage patch doll kick out? Well, another little caption to put on my tombstone tomorrow.
RM: Uh oh. Down again. Gotta go wash the cat. Bye bye.
PZ: Get the hell out of here, you stupid son of a whore. Fire Hydrant Boy whips Koosa into that volvo over there, cracking the window. He comes back with a headbutt. Fire Hydrant Boy is reeling. Cross body splash by Koosa!! Pin attempt...
-----1
-----2
-----3
He won...Nooooooooooooooooo!!! How the hell does this happen??? Stuffed animals winning matches. This sucks. Wait, there's some commotion down on the ramp. That was Running Man's car that got the window cracked. Don't slow that boy down, let me tell you. Running Man pulls out of his spot and bolts to the exit. In the process, he runs over Koosa's arm, spinning him around on the asphalt. The remote control falls out of his little cabbage patch overalls. Fire Hydrant Boy quickly grabs it and says "This iz howw he wun. He hitt me with thiss." The referee is looking at the Koosa with great disdain on his face. He's overturning the decision!!! Your winner, as the result of a disqualification, Fire Hydrant Boy!!!!! Man, at least I can hold off on suicide for another few minutes. I'll have to talk to Running Man next time I see him. That was crazy. We're just moments away from our big title match, but we have a guest with us tonight. A man that seems to pop up whenever pudding is involved. Ladies and Gentlemen, a great honor; Mr. Bill Cosby.
(All Seven fans give a standing ovation)
PZ: What brings you to the WRW payperview, Mr. Cosby?
BC: Well it's not all the puddin' like everybody thinks, although you all should be eatin' your jello puddin' pops fortified with 22 nutritious vitamins and herbs and spices. I have a surprise for the retard wrestling world coming up in the title match. This is a huge surprise.
PZ: Can you shed any light on this, Mr. Cosby?
BC: All I can say is that the surprise is a FAT one.
PZ: Well, thank you for joining us, mr. Cosby.
BC: Yes, Paul, the pleasure was all yours. Hey Hey Hey.
PZ: Well, let's get down to the floor of the warehouse for our main event for the World Title and the Little Bus Cardboard Belt. Let's go to our guest ring announcer...Billy Bob Thornton as hi character from "Sling Blade!" We've got some star power now.
BBT: Reckon you wanted me to announce this match, so reckon I'm gonna do it, MMMMHHHMMMM. Reckon they're playin' that 'Shaft' song. Here comes that there Fire Hydrant Boy, MMMHHHMMMM. Alright then. I took that kaiser blade, some folks call it a sling blade but I call it a kaiser blade, n' hit ol' Jesse Dixon upside the head wit it. I reckon that didn't satisfy me, so I hit him again with the sharp side and plum near cut his head off, MMMHHHMMMM.
PZ: OK that's enough. The man at the nuthouse said you can go live there again, Carl.
BBT: Alright then. I sure do like them french fried potaters.
PZ: Later. Big round of applause for Billy Bob Thornton!!!! (One fan claps). I'll do the rest of the announcements cuz we were paying that guy by the hour. He seemed to be stretching it out just a little. Coming to the middle of the warehouse to the tune of The Fat Boys' classic "All you can Eat", "Ratgirl" Diane Kronson!!!
"Fly Like an Eagle" plays over the warehouse speaker system as Fly Girl comes to the show.
RM: Guess who's back.
PZ: Dude, what an awesome finish to the Koosa match. You get a raise.
RM: Hell yes.
PZ: Just Kidding. (Here I Come To Save the DAY! is blasted over the speakers, followed by the Mighty Mouse theme) Here comes Little Pedro Astacio. Hey man want a smoke? Whoa, settle down boy. Everybody's covering their asses. You know what that means. Here comes The Proctologist with BUTTer Girl. Her body looks kind of like Princess BUTTercup from the Princess Bride, don't you think.
RM: I was thinking more like Assastasia from that Disney cartoon. I'm up so much I can stay here for the whole match if it doesn't go too long. "Don't Drink the Water" comes rolling in on the intercom system. You know what that means. Ladies and Gentlemen...Squirts!!!!
PZ: Oh boy, here comes that Pillowman. The first match=winner in WRW history. He defeated Smack Daddy in a great Chuck E. Cheese ball pit match up. I can't help to think how that match would've ended had they been at 'Showbiz Pizza Place' instead of Chuck E. Cheese. Speaking of Smack Daddy the two year old Child Prodigy, there's "Firestarter" over the loudspeaker. And there she is. She's got a red mark on her head from where she got the "Snuff out", but she's a trooper, and she's here to go for the belt tonight. Hope Pillowman didn't hit her soft spot. Now "The Loser in the End" by Queen is playing, and you know what that means, also. The specially-educated phenomenon Harlowe T. Quimby!!! If you'd like to contribute to the "Get Harlowe a New Jacket Fund", just send money to us here at the WRW, care of Commissioner Paul Z. We might not get him a new jacket, but hopefully I'll get back my six fifty I had to spend during the Parking Ramp match. Awwwww screw this. Everybody else that's in this god damn match get down here right now. Here comes the man that they refer to as 'Stumpy' in the locker room, being pushed to the ring by "Guy in Wheelchair", Deaf, Blind, Paralyzed, Mouth Sewn Shut, Parapalegic Man!!!!!!!!! What a great show of leadership by Guy in Wheelchair to help him out like that.
RM: Yeah, but you gotta think about yourself. He's probably down.
PZ: Nevertheless, here come Billy Ray Leprous and Grandpa Muenster, and they've started fighting each other in the hallway!!! The ref has rung the bell, and this match is underway. This is for the World Heavyweight title and the Little Bus Cardboard Belt. The fans here at the LittleAss Arena are going bananas watching this match on their closed circuit television. The two Dead Man Not Walking fans are disappointed that he isn't in this contest, but he's probably mourning.
RM: Is that X-Pac from WCWF over there?
PZ: I believe so. X-pac, would you like to join us for a minute?
XP: Hey guys, how's it going.
PZ: So X-pac, we understand that you are like the last guy left over in WCWF. There are seven titles over there. Would you like to address this?
XP: First of all, I'd like to start off by saying whatever I said on Raw last week. That's always a good place to start. Then I go to what I said on Heat. Then, if I really want to put a twist on it, I'll say whatever was on Shotgun last week. There's a science in it, almost.
PZ: Right. What about the titles, X=pac?
XP: Well, it is my goal to hold all seven titles, and now it appears my dream will become a reality.
PZ: We understand that your controller also controls a man named Bad Ass Billy Gunn, does this man pose a threat to you...Wait a minute, all the retards are in a pile. They're all covered in PUDDING???!!!!!! Yes!!! That's why we had this match. Has one of them found a belt.
RM: No. They're playing 'King of the Mountain' on top of Diane Kronson.
PZ: Jesus Christ. Oh well, thank you for joining us X-pac, and we hope to hear more of you in the future. Come back when you win all seven titles.
XP: Thanks, Paul.
PZ: Well, Little Pedro Astacio won king of the mountain or King of the Kronson, I don't know. Ratgirl looks too happy coming out of that pile. Where the hell is that Quimby guy? Both wheelchair guys are over in the corner flipped on their sides. Who could have done something like this? Running man, go pick them up. Oh My GODD!!! Billy Ray Leprous is beating the ass out of Grandpa Muenster with his detached left arm!!! That is one tough Leper. Did you hear something, RM? It's like a loud as hell "Hey Hey Hey." Oh well, Smack Daddy is trying to take out revenge on Pillowman for their earlier match up. Big Ass Headbutt!! She laid him out. Now she's going through the pudding. I hope that cute little girl doesn't find one of the two explosive charges that are put in the pudding. Two of the bowls of pudding contain a timed explosive that will go off in coming up on seven minutes now. She's got the LITTLE BUS CARDBOARD BELT!!! All she has to do is get into the phone booth and close the door and she's the new champ. WHo's this??? It's Dennis Rodman!! Protector of the Little Bus Belt. He's running with the belt he took from Smack Daddy. He's running down the hallway.
RM: I heard it that time.
PZ: What?
RM: HEy Hey Hey
PZ: Is that who I think it is? It's Bill Cosby with Fat Albert. Holy shit is he huge. Oh no. Look at him. They came here with a plan, boys. I think I know what he's doing. He's EATING ALL THE PUDDING!!! He's going to swallow the belt and go into the phone booth to win the title. This sucks. He's not under contract, and I'm not goin to let this happen. (Paul Z. goes down to the floor)
RM: I'm up. Well, Fat Albert has eaten all of the pudding. This sucks. 500 big ass bowls of pudding just wasted on that fat bastard. He's making his way to the phone booth now, He's got Fire Hydrant Boy and Pedro Astacio hanging off of him. The Wheelchair guys are down again!! Who keeps doing that? Bill Cosby has a crowbar, and he's trying to squeeze all of Fat Albert into the phone booth. Now Squirts and The Proctologist are going at it!! That was inevitable. Fat Albert is in the phone booth, and the door is shut!! He is the new world champion. No!! The referee, after consulting with Paul Z., has said that no man not under contract with WRW can win the match. Fat Albert shoots out of the phone booth in anger. A computer voice is heard: "This package will explode in ten seconds". It's coming from Fat Albert's stomach???!!!! He ate the explosives, and now he'll pay.
PZ: I'm back. The crowd of seven people are counting down with the computer voice. Fat Albert is jamming his finger down his throat to try to throw up.
(Three,
Two,
One,
Zero)
PZ: That must be the biggest mess I have ever seen in my life. Was that a volkswagen? Yes. That volkswagen that came from Fat Alberts
stomach landed on Bill Cosby and just broke him apart. It wasn't the real Bill Cosby. It was Bill Gates' CosBot. I heard about that on the news. That was how he was going to take over the world. But that story is for another day. Right now, all the retards are sifting through Fat Albert's remains for the World Title. Well, all except Squirts and The Proctologist, who are going at it. Squirts is down and holding his head. Wait!! Ratgirl has the belt!! That is just gross. If this was an NC-17 broadcast, I would tell you what is hanging off of the belt. It's all too graphic. ratgirl is running for the phone booth. She didn't even get close before almost every WRW personality dove on her to try to get the belt. The belt is loose!! Little Pedro Astacio has it and he's running for the Phone Booth!!! I'm going to throw him this to celebrate, watch out RM. (Throws Pedro a cigarette) Yes!! He's putting it up his nose and snorting it in celebration!!! What's he doing. He just went into convulsions and threw the belt in the air. Oh no, I didn't even notice. I must have grabbed my girlfriend's cigarettes by accidents and she has mine. She's a menthol smoker. Sorry, Pedro!!! The Proctologist is set to go for the Rectal Exam...here it is!!!!!! What in god's name??? This match is over? What the hell happened???!!?? Let's go down to the ref for an explanation.
Ref: Well, Paul. The little cigarette guy threw the belt in the air. Then Buttman here went to shove his hand up the Diarrhea guy's ass. The belt came down between his hand and the other guys ass. Up it went. They fell into the booth, and I have to get home to see Saturday Night Live tonight, so I shut the door.
PZ: So what is the decision?
REF: They both had possession of the belt. It was in Proctologist's hand, and Squirts' you know, Woohoo.
PZ: So what are you trying to say?
Ref: There were two winners.
PZ: Alright, I'll fix this soon, but right now, Fire Hydrant Boy found Dennis Rodman hiding in the bathroom
FHB: LEt's GEtt himm.
PZ: All the rumps are chasing Dennis Rodman out of the building. He has gone out of a door that leads to a foggy, dark back alleyway. He's looking around for a way out. He begins walking down the alley when he hears "Darkness falls across the land...The midnight hour is close at hand...And grizzly ghouls from every tomb...Are closing in to seal your doom"
RM: This can't be right
PZ: Yes it is. Fire Hydrant Boy has the mike, and he is creating some sort of Mentally Challenged 'Thriller' video. Pedro Astacio is creeping out of a back door of the warehouse. Guy in Wheelchair is coming out of a manhole!!! What is that creeping through the fog? What the hell is that? Oh, it looked like some sort of four legged monster, but it's just Squirts with the Proctologist still stuck up his ass. Harlowe T. QUimby is here!!! He had a plan the whole time. He knew that this would come outside. He drops from a tree and snatches the belt. Rodman is in pursuit, but he is being engulfed by about ten retards. Quimby is going to win the belt!! Hold on, there's a car coming down the alley at high speed! Who could this be? It has something on the front of the car. I can't make out what it is through the fog. Don't stop and look, Quimby, get to the phone booth! I'll get you a new pair of pants!! Dammit. The car has Stumpy on the front of it!!! The car slams on the breaks and Stumpy goes tearing through the alleyway at about forty miles an hour. Dennis Rodman grabs the belt in the confusion. He's running with it. No he tripped. What did he trip over? DEAD MAN NOT WALKING!!!!!! He is in the house!!! The crowd is going bananas again!!! He trips and flings the belt into...a phone booth outside!! QUimby is running for the phone booth. Stumpy is tearing down the alley. He hits the curb. That's gotta hurt, wait, the curb and the high speed have ejected him from the wheelchair. He is flying through the air!! He lands in the phone booth with such High velocity, the door closes!!!! Here is your winner, and NEW Little Bus Cardboard Belt Champion, Deaf, Blind, Paralyzed, Mouth Sewn Shut, Parapalegic Man!!!!!!!!!!!!! Look at the crowd. I know it's only seven people, but it's like they're watching the superbowl. They have gone absolutely bonkers. How rewarding is that? I had felt earlier that this may be the last WRW event, but the few fans we have love this product, and I think I'm going to stick with it. CUz I'm all about the people. That, and there may be some money in this.
RM: I'm down. Gotta go.
PZ: Alright man. All the rumps are carrying Stumpy back to the LittleAss Arena where the celebration can commence. The World Title is still up in the air. I'll come up with some kind of solution to this, but right now, both Squirts and The Proctologist are the WRW World Heavyweight Champion. I hope you've all enjoyed our first ever PayPerView, and we'll see you next week at "Somebody get a SHOTGUN and Shoot These Retards on SATURDAY NIGHT." For Dave "Running Man" Dives, I'm the Cerebral one...there's something going on behind the arena, so we'll end this show from there. Goodnight everybody.
(There is a lone figure outside behind the warehouse still in the alley. His back is facing the camera, but it appears to be the Franchise, Fire Hydrant Boy. The camera closes in on him, and he slowly turns around. He has a big smile on his face, and yellow cat-eye contacts in. The camera freezes on that as the deafening evil laugh of Vincent Price is heard in the background. The scene fades to black, which then fades into the WRW...get on the little bus like everybody else logo, which itself fades out to nothing).
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