Somewhere under the Rainbow...
The WRW's Second Pay Per View Event
Somewhere Under the Rainbow...
Retards Fly
If you missed the PPV by email, or you joined us after the event, check this stupid shit out.
I was valedictorian of my senior class.
I had a full scholarship to college.
I think about the special ed kids, and I laugh.
Who's laughing now?
_______
WRW
The World of Retard Wrestling
"Somewhere Under the Rainbow...Retards Fly"
Our second screwball PPV
February 6, 1999
This Program is rated "H" for Hooked on Phonics, and Hardcore, kind of.
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(The logo of "Somewhere Under the Rainbow..." is shown on the screen, as crowd chanting is heard in the background. The rocking LittleAss Arena in Buffalo, NY is always the home of the World of Retard Wrestling, but tonight, it is the home of 63 of the most rabid Specially Educated wrestling fans the world has ever seen. The logo fades out, and two young children are shown with the latest WRW action figures. They are acting out the matches coming up tonight. The match they are having right now is for the World Heavyweight Title between Squirts, The Proctologist, and Little Pedro Astacio. The one boy pushes the button on Squirts' back, which activates his Shit-Action Robo Ass. What a mess. They now have Pedro Astacio in Stubby's wheelchair and they have given him the World Title Belt. Is this a precursor to the evening's extravaganza of retardation? Only time will tell.)
Paul Z: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the rafter=rocking LittleAss Arena in Downtown Buffalo, New York, where we are about to embark upon wrestling history. Tonight, over a dozen of the WRW's stuporstars will wage war in that ring. Four (we'll see) titles will be on the line tonight as the wackiness ensues beyond your wildest dreams. And finally, there will be a lone World Heavyweight Champion. If there is not a clean-cut winner in that match, I will give the belt to somebody. I'm sick of this shit. Anyway, that match will be no disqualification, just in case something freaky happens and nobody wins. We will have none of that. Also, get ready for the Loserweight title, the Jobber title, and the Little Bus Cardboard Belt matches. Cuz they're all decided here tonight. What about a shit match, you ask? Well we have it for you just like that freak CarpetBurn asked for. aixelsyD had no complaints about it, or if he could I didn't understand them. Let's go down to Tourette's boy, and get the word on our opening match.
TB: FUck wwwhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa *twitch* whoa shit BBEEEEEAAAATTTTCCCCCCHHHHHHH.
PZ: Damn, dude. Take a valium or something.
TB: Our opening ASs match is FuCK a paper towel Up MY AsS roll handcuff match for the BlOW JOb Jobber Title. Paul, I gotta *twitch* *convulse* leave, man. It's real ShitSHItSHIT bad tonight.
PZ: Alright, man, I can handle it, just take off.
TB: Thanks, man FUCKFUCKFUNK.
PZ: I hear the whistling that makes up the beginning of "Patience" by Gums 'n Hoses...It must be GRANDPA MUENSTER!!!! Oh, you can never get sick of the old man with swiss cheese on his tights. That is just plain crazy. He's in the ring breakdancing now. He hands his paper towel roll over to the ref, and he handcuffs it to the corner ringpost. Now, they've started playing "Achy Breaky Limbs", the original tune written and performed by our next combatant, BILLY RAY LEPROUS!!!! The fans that line the runway are whipping prosthetic limbs at him again! This is becoming a ritual now. He's in the ring, and the ref is securing his towel roll in the corner, and these two are Going At it Already!!!!! Now "Firestarter" is playing, and here comes that cute little girl, Smack Daddy the Two Year Old Child Prodigy!!!!! Muenster and Leprous are beating the snot out of one another. Smack Daddy's paper towel roll is in her corner, and there is now only one Jobber left to enter this match...And Here He CoMES!! "Rock you Like A Hurricane" is playing over the loudspeakers...And Here Comes THE KOOSA!!!!! Mark Grinsell of our event staff tosses him into the ring.
(Ding Ding)
PZ: The match for the Jobber Title is officially underway, and what a brawl we have. Leprous and Muenster are tearing each other apart. Smack Daddy is showing the Koosa who the boss is. She picks him up and throws him down to the cement floor. She slides under the bottom rope and goes after him. Smack has Koosa in the Boston Crab!!!! He's hanging in there, though. Muenster has the upper hand now on Leprous. He's got him down on the ground and he is stomping him like crazy.
Running Man: Yeah, that is some crazy stuff in there to say the least.
PZ: Hey!! Dave!! What's up, man? You down?
RM: Guess.
PZ: Yes?
RM: Wrong.
PZ: Holy Crap!! You're up? That is great. You gonna stay here for most of this event?
RM: Yeah, I'll probably be here the whole time, unless that fugly Ratgirl comes looking for me. Then I'm out.
PZ: I understand. So how did you get this far up?
RM: I didn't go to bed last night.
PZ: What the hell? Why don't you just save some stuff to do tomorrow or something.
RM: Did you ever hear the phrase "Never put off till tomorrow what you can do today"?
PZ: Yeah.
RM: Do you know who invented that?
PZ: No.
RM: I did. Years ago, I said that and somebody else took credit. That sucks.
PZ: It certainly does, but we've got a match right now in the ring. And Leprous is back on his feet and he's got one of his legs off. Look out now, Gramps. Where are Koosa and Smack?
RM: I saw Smack Daddy carrying the Koosa to the dressing room. She was kicking his ass.
PZ: Wow! That's great. Swing and a miss by Leprous. Muenster kicks his remaining leg out from under him, and Leprous goes down harder than Monica Lewinsky on Good Friday!!
RM: I don't even know what that means.
PZ: Whatever, kid. We've got a camera in the back, now. We're gonna keep an eye on Smack Daddy and Brownie the Killer Koosa.
RM: Here, I've got it on my monitor now. Smack Daddy has Koosa in his own dressing room beating his ass. She whips him into the mirror and cracks the mirror! She has a dozen roses from Koosa's dresser and she hits him with them!! Roses go flying everywhere!! Wait!!! Who is this coming into Koosa's dressing room??!!? IT'S GUY IN WHEELCHAIR!!! He's probably mad as hell that he didn't get put into this jobber title match. He closes the door behind him and kicks the camera man out. Well, we'll keep you posted with anything we find out. Meanwhile, in the ring there is a melee between these two Jobber stuporstars. Muenster has Leprous' leg now, and he's beating Leprous with his own leg!!!!!
PZ: Can I talk sometime soon? I mean I only own this company.
RM: My fault Paul. Go right ahead.
PZ: You sure, you bastard?
RM: Yes. Please.
PZ: Well, Muenster takes Leprous' leg and throws it into the crowd!! A fan caught it and he is running!!! It's DEMENTED FAN!!!!!!!! He is grabbed by security and the leg is taken from him. They Are READING HIM HIS RIGHTS!!??! He's going to JAIL!!!!
RM: Don't drop the soap!
PZ: Yeah, right. But what about his match later? He's in the match for the World Loserweight Title? Unless he gets bailed out, he's gonna miss his shot!
RM: There will be other opportunities. He is a great athlete. They couldn't get him for stalking, now they got him on an 'illegal possession of other peoples' limbs' charge. That's a couple weeks in the slammer at least. If it were his first offense, maybe he'd be out tonight, but I have a feeling he's been arrested before.
PZ: That may be, but we've got some hard hitting action in the ring. Billy Ray Leprous cannot stand back up!! He's trying to pull himself up in the corner, but he can't. He's up! No, Muenster just knocks him back down again. Grandpa is holding up his handcuff key for the crowd to see!!!!! He's going to a corner...the roll says...Billy RAY LEPROUS!!!!! He takes the roll out!!! Billy Ray is GONE!!!! Three people left. From the back...here comes...GUY IN WHEELCHAIR!!!! Here comes Smack Daddy with Koosa right behind. Smack lobs the Koosa over Guy In Wheelchair and it lands in front of him as he is speeding down to the ring. He hits the Koosa's head, and Guy goes flying into the stairs. Ouch, that's gotta hurt.
RM: Tell me about it. When you're always running around, it happens enough, I'll tell ya. Smack throws Koosa to Grandpa Muenster!! He hits the CHEESE GRATER on Koosa!!!!! Koosa is out!!!!!
PZ: Koosa is out. Shut up that is so stupid.
RM: Just playin' along, massa.
PZ: OK then. Now Smack has her cuff key out!! She pops open the handcuffs and removes the towel roll of...Grandpa Muenster!!!! He's gone. It's just Koosa and Smack Daddy!!
RM: Damn, look at Gramps, he's irate.
PZ: Yeah, and he's pissed off, too. He's going over to Smack Daddy's towel roll!!! Guy Out Of Wheelchair grabs him!!! He drops him, and now Smack Daddy is going to Koosa's roll. She uncuffs it and IT'S ALL OVER!!!!!! SMACK DADDY HAS WON THE JOBBER TITLE!!!!!!!! Hey...Ratgirl in the back, get in there and present her with her title!!! Boy, she deserves it!!
(An earthquake of 6.2 magnitude on the Richter scale hits, which is merely Diane Kronson coming to the ring. She has nothing in her hands.)
Smack Daddy: Did I win?
Diane Kronson: Yeah, you won this...
PZ: Oh my God!!! Diane Kronson with a DDT on the two year old!!! YES!!!! There's your Jobber Title!!! You jobbers want to make ultimatums to me again? We'll see!! There's no Jobber Title!!! Never has been, never will be!!!! Do You Hear ME!!!! There goes Kronson up to the top!! THE KABASH!!!! Somebody get a spatula and get Smack Daddy's carcass out of my ring!
RM: I can't decide whether that was cool or not. The crowd seemed to enjoy it.
PZ: It better be cool, or you'll be fed to the Beast From The Feast just as easily as Smack was.
RM: I got something to say. That was cool as hell. Probably the coolest thing I've ever seen.
PZ: Sweet. As Diane Kronson takes all of the jobbers to the dressing room area, we're going to get ready for our next match. The Little Bus Cardboard Belt is going to be on the line here, when The Dwarf takes on Deaf, Blind...oh you know, Stubby. The crowd is already chanting "Heigh Ho, Heigh Ho", so we'd better kick this thing off.
("Heigh Ho, Heigh Ho" by the Insane Dwarf Posse plays in the background as the Dwarf begins his stroll to the ring.)
PZ: Well, we are about to see the grumpiest, Dopeyist, sleepiest, happ...
RM: We know, we know, just announce his ass.
PZ: OK. Here is the little man from the Seven Hills of Gold, led to the ring by the vivacious SNOW WHITE...
RM: Man would I like to poke her.
PZ: Me too. THE DDDDWWWWWAAAAAAARRRRRRFFFFFFF!!!!!!!
(Low fives all the fans as he goes to the ring. Snow White begins to pick him up, but he turns around)
Dwarf: I'll do it myself, this time. Tonight I become champion.
SW: OK, honey, whatever you want.
PZ: Oh my god!! HE fell off of the apron and hit his head!! HA what a dumbass!
SW: You want my help, yet honey?
D: No. I'll do it. Are you my mommy?
PZ: He looks like he might make it this time. He's up and in the ring...oh no!!! He fell right out of the ring again!! HAHAHAHa!!
SW: OK that's it in you go.
RM: Damn, is he unconscious? She just rolled him into the ring, and he isn't moving. Oh wait, he just twitched. Nevermind.
PZ: And I hear "One" by Metallica, that can only mean one thing.
RM: And here comes...DENNIS RODMAN????
PZ: HE's the personal security guard for the cardboard belt, but where is Stubby. Rodman's got the mike and the belt. Let's listen in.
(Rodman takes the cigar from his mouth and talks into the mike)
DR: Hey party people!! I told you that Stubby wasn't gonna show, and I was right. So let me introduce to you the new Little Bus Cardboard Belt Champion...THE DWARF!!!!!
(Rodman picks up the Dwarf and lays the belt on his shoulder as Snow White climbs into the ring to celebrate.)
PZ: This is not cool. We need to see what's going on. HEY REF!! Start a count, but give me a little longer than usual. I'm gonna try and find Stubb Rock.
RM: Well, Paul has gone back to the dressing room area, and we don't have our backstage cam anymore, so we'll just kind of watch the action here. BAM!!! Snow White just took us to the promised land once again!! KickAss!!
Ref: 1
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Aww screw this
(Ding Ding)
RM: The ref has rung the bell!! This one's over.
PZ on remote mike: This one is not over. Look who I found tied up in the back.
RM: OH GOOD LORD IT's STUBBYYYYY!!!!!!
(Paul Z wheels Stubby down to the ring and puts him on the ring apron)
Dwarf: Oh this is going to be fun.
(Ding Ding)
RM: The ref has rung the bell again, and this one is on again! Rodman knocks Stubby out of his chair on the cement. Dwarf, Snow White, and Rodman are all stomping the Stubman. Rodman picks him up for a high vertical suplex, and down on the concrete floor.
PZ: God, that slap against the hard floor was nasty. Who is this coming to the ring???? It's The Heartbreak Kid Mahatma Ghandi!!!! He is from Mentally Challenged Wrestling, and he is in the house!!!! Ghandi is up on the apron, and he's keeping the Dwarf from getting Stubby back into the ring. Holy Hell this is something to watch!! Dwarf has Stubby back in the wheelchair out on the cement. Dwarf and Snow White push Stubby back into the locker room area.
RM: Rodman has a Hamburger!!! He's taunting Ghandi with it!!! That's sacred to him, and now Rodman will pay. Ghandi is chasing Rodman through the crowd. They go out of an entrance way.
PZ: Here comes Stubby again, with Snow White and Dwarf pushing him. They've got him in the ring now!! A whip to the ropes...Dwarf DROP!!!!!!!! Dwarf Covers!!!
-----1
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-----3
(Ding Ding)
PZ: Oh man this one is over, and what a match that was. We have a new champion, and Stubby is just on his back with his legs in the air. The event staff has presented Dwarf with his new Little Bu...
RM: Legs?
PZ: Isn't that what I said?
RM: Legs? Stubby?
PZ: Oh yeah...something ain't right here. Nevertheless Dwarf is celebrating with his woman and his belt in the middle of the ring. Speaking of Snow White and a belt, I wonder if she's into...
RM: That's not STUBBY!!! I'll be right back.
PZ: He's right! Dwarf is pulling up Stubby and taking the shroud off of him...It's GUY IN WHEELCHAIR!!!! He's fooled us all!! The ref is mad as hell. Here comes CarpetBurn!!!! He's got Stubby in his wheelchair!! Running Man is right behind!! He puts him up into the ring, and nobody sees him!! CB gives Stubbs a push, and he goes tearing into the corner, sandwiching Snow White, Dwarf, and Guy In Wheelchair. Snow White and Guy in Wheelchair tumble to the ground!! Dwarf falls backward onto Stubby. The wheelchair flips backwards!! It's like a sunset flip!!! The Ref Spanky McGillicutty is down, also!!! He got sandwiched like the rest of the crew. RODMAN IS BACK IN THE RING!!! NO!!! Wait...He's counting!!??!
-----1
-----2
-----3
(Ding Ding)
PZ: YESSS!! HE GOT HIM!! Well, all wrongs have been righted here. Here is your winner, and still Little Bus Cardboard Belt Champion...Deaf, Blind, Paralyzed, Mouth Sewn Shut Parapalegic Man!!!!!!!!!!!!
RM: Holy Ass what a match!!! That's the best match I've ever seen!!
PZ: Seen? You were in it, man! You should get a raise for what you just did!
RM: Can I get a raise, boss?
PZ: NO. OK, I was gonna save this match for last so there wasn't shit everywhere, but we've arranged it so that it is in the boiler room of the arena. So get ready for the World's First Boiler Room SHIT MATCH!!! We've got three mobile cameras in the boiler room to broadcast this one over the TV screens in the main part of the arena. We have filled the entire boiler room with shit, and I can only imagine the smell down there. That intense heat mixed with all that fecal matter can only equal bad news for those two brave athletes. aixelsyD is already in the boiler room, so let's watch the entrance of CarpetBurn.
("Another One Bites the Dust" By Queen plays loudly in the arena as good 'ol CarpetBurn proceeds into the boiler room. The referee for this match, Jimmy "Diss" Lexia, follows close behind.)
PZ: I can't help but notice that Jimmy Lexia is refereeing this contest. His ailment is shared by aixelsyD. Do you think this will influence this fight?
RM: I don't know, it might. But will he help CB or aixelsyD?
PZ: That remains to be seen.
(Ding Ding)
PZ: This match has begun, and they're grappling in the shit, now. I'm gonna gag just watching this.
RM: For those of you at home who think this is utterly disgusting, all complaint letters can be directed at CarpetBurn, c/o the World of Retard Wrestling, 28 Hart...
PZ: Shut up, man, what are you giving away our address?
RM: Yeah, but it's for CB. Fans complained about this match being too gross.
PZ: I don't ever want to see you giving out the address.
RM: Yes'm.
PZ: Back to the action, CB has aixelsyD up for a body slam, and down into a pile of feces.
RM: I'm down I gotta go.
PZ: I know for a fact that you are not down. If I have to stay through this, so do you.
RM: Damn.
PZ: Diamond cutter!!! Into a big pile of shit!!! He tries a pin, but there is no pinfalls here. CB with a high vertical suplex...oh yuck...shit just splattered everywhere. These two men are covered in turds. This is the nastiest thing I've ever seen.
RM: He's rooting around in it like a pig or something.
PZ: You got that right. Hold on here...
Ref: Mouth check.
(Both men smile, showing their teeth)
Ref: You're clean. Carry on.
PZ: Well, no one has eaten anything yet, so we're back to the fightin'. aixelsyD with a slap to the face of CB. CB's angry and he takes a run at aixelsyD. aixelsyD gets out of the way, and CB hits the boiler!! He's down!
RM: Somebody else, for a change. That's great.
PZ: Something just moved behind the boiler!?! I swear I saw something!
RM: Maybe it's Freddy Krueger!
PZ: Dickhead. No, I saw something moving back there. No matter, as CB is down in the shit. This one should be over quickly. aixelsyD is stomping away at the head of CarpetBurn now. He pushes CB's head down into the feces. These men are starting to look like Manson in the "Sweet Dreams" video.
RM: How do you mean?
PZ: When he was covered in that blackish-brown substance. Then he smiled and his teeth were all white.
RM: Ha ha. yeah.
PZ: aixelsyD with a clothesline! He's rocked CarpetBurn! CB is down!!! aixelsyD is shoving shit in his face!!! CB is not giving in!
RM: This is a real barnburner! Both men unrelenting!
PZ: CB with a kick to the gut of aixelsyD!! Bulldog into a big pile of brown stuff!! Ref breaks it up.
Ref: Mouth check.
(they smile again. both clean)
Ref: Continue.
PZ: Wow, I thought for sure that would be the end. There's something moving around back there again. I knew it.
RM: Yeah, I saw that razorblade glove that time.
PZ: (Bitchslaps running man) Cut it out, man this is serious.
RM: I know, it's Freddy Krueger.
PZ: In any event, aixelsyD is slapping CB in his carpet burn spots! CB is dancing around and he is hurting. CB is getting mad. He's hulking up now, and a big slap to the face of aixelsyD. SyD is rocked. CB climbs to the top of the boiler and jumps off! He connects!! Cross body splash, and they both tumble into turds!! CB gets up and delivers a neckbreaker! He's got a handful of shit and...he puts it down. He's getting up on aixelsyD's back and...camel clutch?...NO!! Earyanky!!!!! He's trying to take SyD out!!
RM: There is that person behind the boiler!
PZ: IT's The DWARF!!!! He's got a mammoth piece of CRAP!!!! He hits CB in the head with it!!! He ate it it's over!!!!!
(Ding Ding)
PZ: The winner of this first and last ever Shit Match, AIXELSYD!!!!!!
RM: Holy Crap, what a match! I have a feeling without any interference that match would have never ended.
PZ: But now it's over, and we shall all rejoice. We've got two matches left tonight, and they are for the singles World Titles. First we have some noise in the back, nevermind, they're coming to the ring now. It's Fire Hydrant Boy and Oingo Boingo the Three Armed Boy! I've been told that they may make an announcement today. This must be it. FHB's got a mike, so let's go to the ring.
FHB: It seeems thaat thare iz a lack of tagg teems heer in WRW. The tagg teem titels reemane vakent aftur weeks of akshun.
OB: Yes, so we are here to say that we are the first tag team here in WRW. If nobody else wants to form a team, then we will be happy taking those belts and wearing them around town.
FHB: We doo not hav a name fore our teem yet, butt wee will get won soon.
OB: And when we do, it's time for the two circus freaks known as us to come and clock some fools. So tag teams, step on up. I got a extra arm to whip your ass with.
FHB: Lets blow thiss joynt.
(Lays down the mike in the ring and both men leave)
PZ: Wow, they have made their opinions abundantly clear. Well, FHB didn't even make it halfway back to the dressing room before they have begun playing "Shaft" over the loudspeakers. He has to go back to the ring for the big dodgeball match for the Loserweight title.
RM: Ladies and gentlemen, the following dodge ball match is for the vacant World Loserweight Title. Now coming to the ring from this town of Buffalo, New York...Fire Hydrant BOYYYYY!!!!!!!
Crowd: yay
PZ: Wow, the crowd really loves their hometown boy made retarded.
RM: Here comes the next competitor, Crash Test Charlie!!!!!!!
PZ: Damn, I hate this song. Oh well, the kids seem to like it.
RM: Not appearing in this match because of his earlier arrest, DEMENTED FANNNNNN!!!!!!!
PZ: I can't believe he announced him. He ain't here.
RM: Taking his place....GRANDPA MUENSTER!!!
PZ: No not again. Get that old coot out of the ring. He's already fought tonight.
RM: And the surprise entrant...FLY GGGIIIIIIRRRRRLLLLLL!!!!!!
PZ: No. I refuse to allow her in there, she's too heavy. The weight limit is one hundred fifteen pounds. She is one sixteen.
RM: She says she lost the pound.
PZ: Yeah, we'll see. The Ref has the ball, and gives it to Muenster. He throws it at Fly Girl, who is arguing with me, and she's out. Ha ha. Stupid bitch. FHB has it and throws it at Crash Test Charlie's plastic side. OH...there's nothing he could do about that one. We're down to two, now. Muenster has the ball and whips it at FHB...He missed!! FHB gets the ball, and he throws it at Muenster...MISSED!!! Damn, we got some wirey little bastards in there now. Muenster whips it at FHB, and he missed again!! Wow this gets good.
RM: Yeah, this is something else.
PZ: Now FHB whips it at Muenster...He CAUGHT IT!!!!
RM: What do we do here?
PZ: What do you mean?
RM: FHB goes out...
PZ: yeah
RM: But everybody else is back in.
PZ: Oh shit, you're right. So it's Muenster, Fly Girl, and Charlie are all in there. Muenster's got it and whips it at Fly Girl. He missed.
RM: Damn. She is kind of fly.
PZ: No, her name means she looks like a fly.
RM: I don't see it.
PZ: Anyway, Fly Girl has the ball. She sends it flying toward Muenster, and he's gone!!!! Charlie has the ball!!! He chucks it at Fly Girl and she catches it easily.
RM: Bye bye, gimp.
PZ: Ha. Fly Girl has it now, and she whips it at FHB, and he moves. He hits Muenster in the back, and then there were two. FHB has it again. He sends it at Fly Girl, and she moves out of the way. What is FHB doing? He just said he won't get out of the way of this next one? What the hell? Fly Girl whips it at him and...It hits him in the arms...It goes flying into the air...he's under it to catch it...FLY GIRL JUST TOOK HIM OUT!!!!! The ball hits the ground, and it's all over!!!
(Ding Ding)
RM: Here is your winner, and NEW LOSERWEIGHT CHAMPION....FLY GIIIIRRRRRLLLLL!!!!!
PZ: I've never met a woman that is honest about her weight.
(Paul grabs a scale and goes to the ring)
PZ: Here Fly Bitch, stand on this.
FG: No.
PZ: If you don't, you might as well hand me that belt right now.
FG: Alright, I'll get on it.
(Steps on the scale, and it reads "122")
PZ: Ha. I knew it...
FG: What if I put the belt down?
PZ: Oh shit. OK
(Puts the belt down and steps up on the scale)
(Scale reads One Hundred Fifteen
and a half)
PZ: Yeah, that's what I thought. Here is your new LOSERWEIGHT CHAMPION!!!!! THE RUNNER UP IN THIS MATCH........FIRE HYDRANT BOY!!!!!
FHB: Thanx fore cumming out, evree buddy. I did it fore all of yoo.
Crowd: Yay.
FHB: Hi Mom!! I did it!!!!
(Fly Girl walks back to the dressing room in disgust)
PZ: Well, that was entertaining, and we've still got the World Heavyweight Title match. Why don't we get this one started. Here comes the Running Man from the back with the cleaned off World Title Belt. Wow that thing is beautiful when it's not up somebody's ass.
RM: (In the ring with a mike) This next match is a no disqualification elimination match for the WRW World Heavyweight Championship.
("Here I Come To Save The Day" plays over the loudspeaker")
RM: First entry in this match, from Mexico, LITTLE PEDRO ASTACIO!!!!!
(He comes to the ring with his big tobacco stick, and he holds it high for the crowd to see.)
RM: Next up...
("don't drink the water" plays...)
RM: One Half of the World Heavyweight Champion...SQUIRRRTTTTSSSS!!!!
(He gets in the ring. He already looks as if there is problems.)
RM: Finally, here comes the other half of the Heavyweight Champion...Led to the ring by that ugly-ass ButtER Girl, THE PRROOCTOOLOOGISSSSTTTTT!!!!
PZ: This should be a phenomenal title match, unless Squirts loses control of himself.
(Ding Ding)
PZ: They all lock up in the middle of the ring. Pedro kicks Squirts below the belt and tries a quick cover...
-----1
--Kick out
PZ: Nothing doing on that attempt. It's gonna take more than that to keep the heavyweight champ down. Pedro has his tobacco stick and he's beating the Proctologist with it. He's got him down on the ground and...OH Squirts returns the earlier favor with a low blow of his own. He's got him is some sort of Octopus submission hold!!
RM: No, you know what he's doing? He got massive shits, and he's clogging it with Pedro's head!
PZ: What is everybody's obsession with shit? Today has not been a good day. I think I'll have to use my AK.
RM: Hahahahha.
PZ: On myself.
RM: Anyway, the action in the ring has once again heated up. Procto is heimliching Pedro Astacio. These two shitmen know what they have to do. It looks as though Squirts and the Proctologist are working on Pedro so they can decide this on their own. Squirts spins Pedro around to face him, and Procto has the RECTAL EXAM locked on!!!!! Pedro collapses, and he gets hit by Squirts with the CONSTIPATION!!!!!!
PZ: Count 'em out, ref...
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PZ: Yes, Pedro is gone, and now we have the two world champions in the ring. They look at each other for a minute. Procto looks at his hand and taunts Squirts with it. Squirts knows that hand well. It was up his ass for about two weeks. Now they hook it up, and Squirts is pushed back into the corner. There's some noise up in the rafters. What now?
RM: Damn, you're seeing mad shit tonight. First some guy in the boiler room, and now this.
PZ: Remember, I was right about somebody in the boiler room.
RM: Yeah, I remember.
PZ: Proctologist whips Squirts across the ring and hits a big avalanche. Squirts collapses to the mat. Procto hits a Hulk Hogan Legdrop, and he pins..
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PZ: Just kidding, just a one count.
RM: Butthole, don't take advantage of our viewers. I thought you were all about the people.
PZ: Yeah. Just a joke, man. Lighten up, you're not even down.
RM: OK
PZ: Now there is an asswhooping being laid down by Procto, but Squirts is up to his feet. He swings, and misses. But he connects with a second shot. A third fist knocks Procto to the canvas.
(Butter girl is up on the apron)
BG: Hi, Squirty...You're cute Honey!
Squirts: Hi...I'm not shitting!! I always shit around women! Thank you ugly!
(Walks over and hugs ugly butter girl)
PZ: He'd better turn around!! Oh NO!!! RECTAL EXAM!!!!! Squirts is foaming at the mouth, but he's in the ropes!!
REF: Break the hold, Doctor.
PZ: What luck for Squirts that he had been near the ropes. Procto stands up, and Squirts is trying to regain his composure.
RM: He's giving the signal again!!
PZ: Procto goes for the Rectal Exam again, but misses his ass. He hits his fingers on the turnbuckle. He grabs his hand, and Squirts dropkicks him in the corner. SWINGING DDT out of the corner!!! A pin...
-----1
-----2
-----Kick out
PZ: Oh man that was close. The ref is seeing if Procto wants to give it up, and BUTTer Girl hits Squirts with a BRICK like Reginald Denne!!!!!!! HE is out!!!! Procto rolls him over...The Pin...
-----1
-----2
-----He pulled him up???
PZ: He picked Squirts up? WHY???
RM: He's signalling for the RECTAL EXAM AGAIN!!!! Squirts is in a bad way, right now.
PZ: Something's going on in the rafters again.
RM: You and your imagination.
PZ: NO!!! HERE HE COMES!!! IT's DEAD MAN NOT WALKING!!! He drops from the ceiling!!!
RM: Dammit, I'm out of here.
(Leaves)
PZ: This is incredible. Procto is saying something to DMNW. Let's listen in.
TP: So, deadman, you want some of this, too? Here you go!
PZ: He's got the Rectal Exam ON DMNW!!!!!!!! DMNW IS OUT!!!!Squirts is just barely moving in the corner. Something's happening! OH MY GOD!!! RIGOR MORTIS!!!!! DMNW JUST SNAPPED PROCTOLOGIST"S HAND WHEN RIGOR MORTIS SET IN!!!!! His entire body went stiff, and now Procto's hand is being squeeze off by DMNW's ass!!!!!! This is crazy. Squirts is up top...CONSTIPATION!!!!!!
-----1
-----2
-----3
(Ding Ding)
PZ: YESSS IT"S ALL OVER!!!!!!! HERE IS YOUR WINNER AND NEW WRW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION, SQUIRTSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!! DMNW just got pulled to the ceiling with Procto attached to him. Squirts has the belt in the center of the ring as the crowd goes bananas. He looks like he's in trouble. He takes off to the dressing room with the belt. I know what he's in store for. A celebratory bowel movement. Well, we'd like to thank all of you for joining us tonight for our second PPV event. It has been the wackiest I've ever seen. We've got a new heavyweight champ, new Loserweight champ, and No Jobber Champ!! hahahahahah. This is the Cerebral one, telling you to join us next weekend on Shotgun, where the wackiness continues all night long. For Dave Dives, I'm Paul Zylinski, saying goodnight.
(Scene fades out from the arena to a picture of the "Somewhere Under..." Logo. It is on the screen for about ten seconds, after which a deafening BANG is heard, as if somebody's ass has just exploded, and the logo is blown into a million pieces. The pieces of the logo fall until there is nothing on the screen but black.)
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