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last updated May 20
What you are about to read is meant to be shocking, and maybe at some times kinda wierd. If you know me, this will come as no surprise. It is not, however meant to be offensive. It may seem that way to some readers, but I assure you that it is all written in good fun. I do not have the express written permission of anyone to use the names and places involved here, so please do not copy these entries with the intent to just fling it all over the world. I don't need complaints from people in Nairobi telling me that my comment on (whatever) was offensive towards the (whatevers.) So keep in mind that the material here was written in good clean fun. If you cannot accept that, or if you want to return to my links page, click here. Thank you. If you want to e-mail me with any comments, click here
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All News Written by Matt Fornabaio
IN OTHER NEWS!!!!!!!!!!
Eric Lindros Sucks
PHILLY: We promised never to talk about him again, but we also made a vow to inform you of the news. (sort of) As part of a seemingly never ending story (not the movie with the Sea Quest kid, just a story that doesn't end, like Monica Lewinski) "In Other News" has finally verified that The Philadelphia Flyers' self proclaimed "Eric The Great" Eric Lindros "fucking sucks." This news comes after we at "In Other News" learned that "that fool" got hurt after throwing a botched hit into Pittsburgh Penguins' veteran disease Darius "The Virus" Kasparitis. Lindros was out for a length of time that no one cares about.
"It was all my fault; my head was down and it should have been up." stated Lindros at a recent press conference. Gee, Eric, and you wonder why everyone hates you? It's because you "fucking suck." Former Flyer Peter Zezel was asked about Lindros' performance on and off the ice.
"Lindros? That pansy? He 'aint no hockey player! He fucking sucks!" Zezel went on to describe several reasons why he dislikes Lindros, seeming to rue the day Lindros himself came up with the pseudonym "Eric The Great." "I remember we all were making up dumb nicknames for him, like 'dillhole' and 'colon cowboy.' I think my addition was 'ass pirate.' But [Lindros] decided he wanted to be called "The Great One." We told him that was already taken, so he settled for "Eric the Great." He stuck with the nickname, too, even though he was the only one who used it." When asked why he thinks no one likes Lindros, Zezel asked "Who the hell are you people, and threatened to call the police.
Lindros remains on the Flyers, even though he really sucks. The people of Philadelphia hope that they can get on with their lives, and not have to worry too much about "Eric, the Colon Cowboy."
Gilmour in Trouble Again
CHICAGO: In yet another of a seemingly endless series of bizzare turns of events, Doug Gilmour is in trouble again. But you probably already knew that from reading the headline. During a lengthy trial that really went nowhere, Gilmour was unexpectedly traded to the Chicago Blackhawks. "I didn't even know I was still on the [darn] team!" Gilmour stated in a press conference Tuesday. "I had assumed that I was gonna fry, and that would be that, but now I gotta play with Chicago?"
Gilmour was arrested last year after allegedly "roughing up" the mythical Jersey Devil. En route to Chicago, he encountered the legendary Sasquatch, better known as Chewbacca, and got his butt kicked. He is presently incarcerated in a prison cell in Chicago with a cellmate named Crunch. "In Other News" will keep you posted as this bizzare case onfolds.
Sex, Drugs and The ASPCA?
CLEVELAND: The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum, which, apparently for the purposes of spite, is located in Cleveland Ohio, was terrorrized Wednesday after an announcement that Napoleon XIV would be included in the 1999 induction ceremony. Apparently, XIV's only hit, a novelty record entitled "They're Coming to Take Me Away, Ha-Haa!" encouraged cruelty to animals.
"Just because they have no morals doesn't mean I can't be given the respect I deserve." commented XIV at a press conference held late Wednesday night. XIV, whose real name is not really important, recorded "They're Coming to Take Me Away, Ha-Haa!" with one thing in mind. "Making fun of wackos." Some people, such as Sir Paul McCartney, thought the song was about a dog.
"Yeah, the 'Dog Theory.' I've heard that one before." XIV was infuriated Thursday morning when it was announced that certain members of the ASPCA would be pains in the ass. "I tell you," added XIV, "I think ASPCA stands for 'A Stupid Place where Cats (pause) Are."
"In Other News" is sad to report that we must once again speak with Cleveland's chief of police, Bobcat Swaithman. Officer Swaithman offered this advise to any visitors to Cleveland. "The demonstrators are pissed off, and they are crowded around the Hall of Fame, kind of like the way the crowd surrounded the museum in "Ghostbusters 2." That movie really sucked, but the original was pretty good. I don't know why Harold Ramis doesn't act more, he's really a brilliant man, he directed a lot of films, like "Groundhog Day," another Bill Murray Film..." (Editor's note: Officer Swaithman went on like this for three hours.)
Doug Gilmour, currently unaccounted for, has nothing to do with this story, but former Flyer Peter Zezel does! That's right, he is.. oh, wait, he has nothing to do with this either. Sorry to get your hopes up. "In Other News" will probably forget about this story tomorrow, so don't expect to ever hear about it again.
Lindros Diagnosed With Inferiority Complex
THE CITY OF BROTHERLY LOVE: Eric Lindros, the self-proclaimed "Eric the Great" has been diagnosed with an irreversible condition known as Liliput-hypertendency syndrome; better known as an inferiority complex. Sources tell "In Other News" that Lindros feels threatened and used by these allegations.
"I do not have an inferiority complex! I'm just not noticed enough and thereby feel the need to over-exemplify my pathetic attributes and skills to the extent that I become a terribly annoying and arrogant pain in the [butt] and am liked even less."
This news comes after a recent hockey game in which a fan in the stands at the Philadelphia Spectrum yelled profanity at Lindros and called him a "pussy willow." For the record, a pussy willow is a slang term for a type of tree that we at "In Other News" do not feel like looking up the actual name for. Do it yourselves, you lazy fools.
"I am not a pussy willow." Lindros told "In Other News", in his own defense, even though he proves to not know what the hell defense is. "I don't even know what a pussy willow is for [God's] sake. I grew up in a cellar with rats and termites. My only friend was a sock named Bobby Orr." (named after a sports figure of yore)
Former Flyer Peter Zezel had this to say: "Eric Lindros is a great player of the game [of hockey] and he is a great man. But to tell you the truth, he's a wuss." "In Other News" has no clue as to what the Hell a wuss is, but we encourage you, our two loyal readers to figure it out. "In Other News" will probably never talk about Eric Lindros again, because nobody likes him.
Gilmour Apprehended!!!
Cleveland: A long and tedious search has finally ended with the apprehencion..apprehention, the capture of the now world famous New Jersey fugitive Doug Gilmour. Cleveland chief of police Bobcat Swaithman told "In Other News" that:
"We are not to associate Mr. Gilmour with that lovable Kimball fellow on television's "The Fugitive," nor are we to associate him with Han Solo or Willie Mays Hayes, who both played Kimball in movies about a fugitive trying to escape from Tommy Lee Jones' character. He was great in "The Client." Ever see that film? It was a classic. Not as good as "Cool Hand Luke" though. I love that line "What we have here...is a failure to communicate." That guy was an Idol to me."
"In Other News" has vowed never to speak to that man again. Gilmour's capture was not easy, as he had last been seen leaving Pennsylvania with the Sun at his back and a song in his heart. That song has yet to be identified, but sources say it might have been "The Night Chicago Died" by Paper Lace. When asked if he had been on his way to Chicago to murder the late Al "Scarface" Capone, Gilmour shut his eyes and chanted in Sanskrit.
"I think he was saying 'The Devil walks among us.'" translated Bill Withersby, an archaeologist for the Cleveland Museum of Natural History. When asked why a man of such intelligence had settled in a pit like Cleveland, Withersby sighed.
Sources believe that Gilmour was searching for the fabled "Champ" that resides in Lake Champlain, and had just taken a wrong turn. "We believe he may have gotten as far as Buffalo, and gotten lost. At that point he probably leapt into the nearest lake, that being Lake Erie, and swam for Cleveland. I just don't know how he was not deterred by the insipid evil emmenating from the city's core." stated Cleveland's police commissioner. "In Other News" will keep you posted on any later developments.
Student Dizzy After Acid Trip
NEW HAVEN: A Yale student, Bill Simpleton, is reportedly dizzy today after taking what he called "a wicked acid trip." It all started in Professor Killroy's Chemistry class, when Wendy Brockenmayer allegedly spilled 300 ml of 70M Hydrochloric acid on the tile floor of the Chemistry lab at Yale New Haven Hospital. Both are pre-med students at Yale, and both feel that the incident could have been avoided.
"She spiled the acid," began Simpleton, "and I stepped in it. That tile can get slippery when it's wet. I slid for a second, and tripped over a chair. I hit my head pretty [damn] hard, and now I'm just kinda dizzy."
Simpleton was arrested for possession of an illegal substance, due to a security mix-up.
"We thought they said he had taken an acid trip," stated a security guard that chose to remain anonymous. "what it was was that he was just tripping on acid. That changes the whole story." Brockenmayer's story is a little different. She claims that the acid was spilled after Simpleton fell, and that his trip was due to an actual pschycadelic experiment.
"He really was dropping!" She replied. The investigation is still pending. At time of printing, both students were being held in prison. One for ingesting acid, the other for dealing.
Gilmour Missing!!!!
TRENTON: WE THINK: The entire New Jersey Devils hockey club is up in arms, even though we at "In Other News" do not know what it means to be up in arms. This after a recent press release that "In Other News" ignored due to the fact that it did not have bright colors and blatant references to the "Superfriends." This press release, reportedly from the A.P. reportedly stated that the previously detained Devils' center Doug Gilmour had escaped from "some prison in Jersey." Gilmour is to be considered mentally insane and should not be approached by anyone in black and white striped clothing.
"He has a deep seated hate for all referees, and now he wants to take it out on all humanity." said Gary Bettman, some NHL guy. "Gilmour will stop at nothing to get what it is he wants." When asked what it was that Gilmour wanted, Bettman shrugged and replied: "I dunno, girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes?"
"In Other News" tracked down Julie Andrews, the original lead in "The Sound of Music," She had not seen Doug Gilmour. We at "In Other News" are stumped. If you, our one or two regular readers should spot him, do NOT approach him. Call the police at 1-800-I-SAW-HIM. They'll take care of the rest. "In Other News" will continue to keep you posted in this terrible ordeal.
Doug Gilmour Found Guilty
TRENTON: In yet another bizzare turn of events, Devils' center Doug Gilmour was found guilty of assualt and battery against a minion of evil. That minion is the infamous Jersey Devil. The attack occurred some time ago, and resulted in Gilmour's arrest and the Jersey Devil's eventual capture. Gilmour's lawyer told "In Other News" that he is "really [darned] pissed that [stupid] Gilmour was dumb enough to actually attack that[Jersey Devil.]
Judge Koch, Gilmour's judge, jury and executioner has told "In Other News" that he "cannot wait to see that Jersey boy fry."
Gilmour spoke to us in an exclusive interview that you will only see here at "In Other News" because we are great and we carry stories that others do not. This story cannot be found in other news sources, because it can only be found here, at "In Other News."
Oh, yeah, that guy said something about killing you all, but you can only find it here at "In Other News."
We will keep you, the public posted on future developments in the Gilmour case.
Beast Defenseman Filip Kuba Admits "Its Not My Real Name."
NEW HAVEN: The Beast of New Haven hockey club, elated after the news that there were two other hockey teams with worse names than theirs received shocking news Thursday when the team's star defenseman and (now) sole liar, Filip Kuba admitted that that is in fact not his real name.
"My mother named me John Schwartz, but I figured that if I wanted to play hockey, I would have to change it." Kuba declared in a thick Eastern European accent.
Schwartz wears the number 29 on the Beast, and swears that that is his real number. He assumes that no one really gets a number at birth, its just assigned to you when you join a team. Head Coach Kevin McCarthy, (his real name) has mixed feelings about this new information.
"We just don't know what the hell to do with him. I mean Kuba was a great player, this Schwartz guy is just terrible.
When asked why he changed his name in the first place, Schwartz told In Other News that his people, the Schwartzes were considered witches in his hometown of Ostrava Czechoslovakia. His family was forced to flee the country and found shelter in the United States, where his father found work as a professional "slot jockey" in towns such as Ledyard and Uncasville. His mother was a tailor. They lived well for a while until it was discovered that their son, John wanted to play professional hockey. They changed their name to Kuba, a hockey name, and sent him to Carolina to play on the Monarchs. In an ironic turn of events, the Carolina Monarchs moved to New Haven the next winter, and have been there since.
"Actually," Schwartz added, "Filip isn't even a name. I used it to try to let people know that it was not my real name. But nobody seemed to notice." We noticed John.
New Technology to Hit the Streets.
Less than three months ago, automobile accidents were as frequent as haircuts for some people. But not anymore. Flabco Inc. has released a new device that allows drivers to avoid hitting other cars. It is called the Bio-Luminescent Infrared Night Driving ASsistAnt BATtery, or BLIND AS A BAT for short. It combines the luxory of battery powered headlights with the unlimited light given off by thousands of bioluminescent insects, commonly called fire-flies or lightning bugs.
"We are very excited about this new technology." said Stuart Pididiut, President and CEO of Flabco, and head designer of the company's new buffet-style cafeteria. "Basically, what it does is it uses light sensors to detect time of day. When the Sun is out, the system sleeps. But once the Sun goes down, the BLIND AS A BAT jumps to life." Pididiut then went on to explain the wonders of buffet-style lunches, but we had already stopped listening.
We then went to Mr. Phil Onee, the designer of the BLIND AS A BAT unit, and asked him what the hell the thing was supposed to do.
"Well," said Onee, "That [Stu] already told you what the BLIND AS A BAT does in the daytime, it sleeps. But the [CEO] forgot to tell you what the...thing does at night." Onee then produced a large blueprint for the Statue of Liberty. After having laughed at the French words such as "Guy Herbert" he pulled out the blueprint for the BLIND AS A BAT. "Here you see the battery console. It houses seventy C cell batteries." When asked if he realized that nobody has used C cell batteries for eight years, he looked at us puzzledly and went on. "In here" he said, pointing to another compartment, "we put three thousand fire flies." When asked if he knew that the ASPCA would have a field day with this idea, he replied, "Yeah, but its cool."
In Other News still did not have a solid explanation of what the hell the BLIND AS A BAT was supposed to do, so we put it on our Ford Pinto and hit the road.
The BLIND AS A BAT unit is designed to keep your car away from other dangerous motorists. It does this by detecting the glare of oncoming headlights and sending a pulse of infrared light into the driver's seat of the oncoming car. The driver immediately goes into shock, but not before being blinded by the ultra-bright lights and the fire flies. The oncoming motorist, assuming he is right handed, will swerve off the road, keeping you, the driver out of harm's way. In Other News had a field day with the BLIND AS A BAT. We took out a Cadillac, and three Sables before going onto the highway. In Other News will be covering the traffic reports, bvecause we just love to say "rubbernecking."
Note: It has come to the attention of In Other News that the BLIND AS A BAT was not, in fact invented by Phil Onee, but rather his eight year old son, P. Rog. Onee. We regret the error.
Gilmour to Stand Trial
TRENTON: The New Jersey Devils, still upset over the fact that they still are a pretty crappy team, have more to worry about than crappitude. The entire hockey club will have its fingers crossed on Sunday while Star Center Doug Gilmour stands trial for assault and two counts of cross checking. This after a strange and bizarre story that "In Other News" brought to your attention when it broke.
Gilmour was arrested last month after he allegedly "beat the snot" out of the legendary Jersey Devil. The Devil was not available for quote at time of printing.
"This will certainly be a difficult case" said Hon. Judge Edward Koch, "since the existence of the Jersey Devil has never really been proven." Koch, a former New York official of some kind turned judge has told "In Other News" that although he is a judge, and must remain impartial, that Gilmour "sucks, and deserves the chair."
Jaques Lemaire, when asked about the trial, had this to say: "Who the Hell is Ed Koch? What the hell does he have to do with me?" Former Flyer Peter Zezel, who has absolutely nothing to do with this case, had these kind words for Gilmour: "I hate the guy, I hope they give him the tazer, yah, the tazer!! That'd be cool."
"In Other News" will keep you posted on this bizarre case.
New Jersey Devils Find Enemies Around Every Corner
TRENTON: In a bizzare turn of events, Devils center Doug Gilmour has been suspended indefinitely pending an equally bizzare lawsuit. Gilmour will go on trial next month for two charges of assault and possibly one charge of blatent cruelty to an animal-like demon-child.
A spokesperson for the "New Jersey hockey club tells us that Gilmour had been walking down a deserted road, late at night, when a creature that Gilmour has described as "evil incarnate with sharp teeth" leaped out of the foliage and attacked him. Gilmour allegedly dropped his gloves in the scuffle and engaged in a fistfight with the creature, which has since been identified as none other than the mythical Jersey Devil.
"That thing had a hell of a right hook, but I laid into him and got the helmet off and just finished the job." replied Gilmour when asked for his version of the story. When asked why he thought the Jersey Devil was wearing a helmet, he seemed perplexed and crawled into a corner of his prison cell. After that he refused to answer any more questions.
Jaques Lemaire, Gilmour's coach and self proclaimed mentor reported that even though he was not there, and has no idea what a Jersey Devil is, or even which of his players is in prison, he is sure that the "other guy hit him first."
Officials in Trenton were reluctant to respond to "In Other News'" prodding questions, only to say that the biggest problem will be deciding whether or not to charge the Jersey Devil, or to send it to a zoo.
Three hours after his arrest, Gilmour's prison guard, an avid Ranger fan, allowed several lead pipe wielding representatives of the ASPCA, (an ackronym that we at "In Other News" are not familliar with) into his cell, and proceeded to take bets from the other guards as to how many hits Gilmour could take. Gilmour didn't take any, as he grabbed the weapon of the nearest assailant and is now serving five consecutive double minors.