Jokes
Blonde Jokes
1.How does a blonde turn on the light after sex?
Opens the car door
2.What did the blonde ask the Doctor when she found out she was pregnant?
Is it mine?
3.What is the mating call of a blond?
I am sooooo drunk
4.What do you do when a blonde throws a gernade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
5.What do you call a blonde with a half of a brain?
Gifted
6.What do you call a blonde that dyes her hair?
Artificial Intellegience
7.How do blonde brain cells die?
Alone
8.What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
Pregnant
9.Why is it good to have a blonde passenger when driving?
So you can park in the handicap zones
10.What does a blonde and a turtle have in common?
If they're on their back they're both fucked.
11.What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpme Dumpme
12.How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?
Shine a flashlight in her ear
13.How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?
If the joystick is all sticky
14.Why did the blonde fail her driver's test?
She couldn't get used to the front seat
15.Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
They're to hard to peel
16.What does a smart blonde and UFOs have in common?
You keep hearing about them but never see them.
17.Why don't blondes talk while having sex?
They're parents told them not to talk to strangers
18.Why do blondes like to wear green lipstick?
Because red means stop
19.Why don't blondes use vibrators?
If they do they chip their teeth
20.Why do blondes bother to wear underwear?
They make good ankle warmers
21.Why do most blondes have square boobs?
They forget to take the tissues out of the box
22.Why don't blondes like to make Kool-Aid?
They can't fit 2 quarts in that little package
23.How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?
Tell her a joke a week before
24.What is the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
Introduces herself
25.What does Bones McCoy say before operating on blondes?
Space. The final frontier
26.how do you drive a bonde crazy?
Give her a bag of Skittles and tell her to aphabatize them
27.Why did the blonde get fried from her job at the M&M factory?
Because she would throw out all the Ws
28.How do you drown a blonde?
Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool
29.What did the blonde say after milking the cows?
It took me awhile to get it warmed up but once it started boy did it go
30.How can you tell if a blonde has been eating with a fork again?
If she has holes all over her face
31.What do you call an eternity?
Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
32.What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
Oh look, doughnut seeds.
33.How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it
34.What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
When you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around.
35.What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
When you slap a mosquito it stops sucking.
36.How do you confuse a blonde?
Put her in a curricular room and tell her to pee in the corner.
37.What do you call a blonde with a dollar on her head?
All you can eat under a buck.
38.Why did the blonde climb on the roof?
She heard that drinks were on the house.
39.How do you tell when a blonde is having a bad day?
There is a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
40.How do you tell if a blonde is sexually satisfied?
Who cares.
41.How is a blonde different than a 747?
Not everyone has been in a 747.
42.Why is a blondes brain pea sized in the morning?
It swelled.
43.How is a blonde like a doorknob?
Everybody gets a turn.
44.What do blondes say in the morning?
Who are you guys anyways?
45.Why don't blondes like vibrators?
They're hard on their teeth.
46.What's the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal?
One's a busy ditch.
47.What do you call a blonde behind a steering wheel?
An airbag.
48.A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette said, "Oh look at the dead bird." The Blonde looked skyward and said, "Where, where?"
49.What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"
50.A young ventroliquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a beautiful blonde woman in the forth row stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you that keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person ... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general ... all in the name of humor. Flustered the ventroliquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this, mister. I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
51.A young man finally won a date with the blonde female that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool of the trade". But, the young man was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze. The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his johnson immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those things!"
52. There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The DJ was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was mad enough she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, "You dumb fuck, it's blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and kick your ass!"
53. 22: What did the blonde's mom say to her before the blonde's date?
If you're not in bed by 12, come home.
Three blondes are sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is
sucking hers, one is biting hers, one is licking hers. Which one is married?
The one with the wedding ring, YOU SICK-O!
Bad Pick-up Lines
I've got a deep thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gatorade.
If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
That's a nice smile you've got, shame that's not all you're wearing.
I may not be Fred Flinstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock.
What nice legs you've got. I wouldn't mind wearing them as a belt, or neck tie if you prefer.
Do you like scrambled eggs? Good, because that's what you'll be cooking tomorrow morning.
I have F, C, and a K, but what I really need is you.
Ever played leap frog naked?
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
So you wanna come over and shave my back?
Hi, do you know why you should masturbate with "these" two fingers?
[holding up two fingers]
Obvious reply: No, why?
Because they're mine.
Wanna be my love buffet? I'll lay you out on the table and take what I want.
I want to put my face between your breasts and make motorcycle noises.
Hi, I make more money than you can spend.
I love you. I want to marry you. Now fuck my brains out.
[Use index finger to call someone over then say] I made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole hand.
I don't want to be alone when I go to bed tonight, but I do when I wake up.
That dress is very becoming on you. Of course if I was on you, I'd be cumming too.
You can be on top.
Excuse me, Miss, would you give head to perfect stranger? Then allow me to introduce myself.
Hi, I'm conducting a feel test of how many women have pierced nipples.
I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away.
I can suck you so hard that you'll have to pick the sheets out of your butt when I'm finished.
Pick-up Lines...Rejected!
Man:Havn't we met before?
Woman:Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.
Man:Havn't I seen you somewhere before?
Woman:Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man:So, Do you want to go back to my place?
Woman:Well, I don't know, will two people fit under a rock?
Man:My place or yours?
Woman:Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.
Man:I'd like to call you, what's your phone number?
Woman:That's in the phone book.
Man:But I don't know your name.
Woman:That's in the phone book, too.
Man:So what do you do for a living?
Woman:I'm a female impersonator.
Man:Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?
Woman:I'd love to, but I don't have anything to wear.
Man:What sign were you born under?
Woman:No Parking
Man:Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Woman:No Parking
Man:How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman:Unfertilized.
Man:Hey, come on, we're both at this bar for the same reason.
Woman:Yeah, let's pick up some chics!
Man:I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.
Woman:You man you have a donkey and a Great Dane?
Man:I know how to please a woman.
Woman:Then please leave me alone.
Man:I want to give myself to you.
Woman:Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
Man:I can tell you want me.
Woman:Ohhhhhh. You're so right. I want you...to leave.
Man:If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman:Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd die laughing.
Man:Hey cutie, how about you and I hitting the hot spots?
Woman:Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Man:Your body is like a temple.
Woman:Sorry, there's no services today.
Man:I'd go through anything for you.
Woman:Good, let's start with your bank account and then we'll try the door.
Man:I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman:That's nice, but would you stay there?
Things That Make You Go Hmm...
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!
If FEDEX and UPS were to merge, would they call it FED UP?
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?
If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what is a fog horn made of?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, why do they say,"Quit while you're ahead"?!
If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be removed?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, but instead succeed, which have you done?
Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of asteroids?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If most car accidents occur within 5 miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made of the stuff?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds" on money they already know you don't have?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
In a country of free speech, why is there phone bills?
How come there isn't size B batteries?
How do "Do not walk on grass" signs get there?
How do I set my laser printer to stun?
If I melt dry ice, could I take a bath without getting wet?
How does a Thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?
How does the guy that drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If a word in the dictionary was misspelled, how would we know?
If Superman is so smart, why does he wear his underwear on the outside of his trousers?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens if you turn on the headlights?
Why didn't Noah swat those 2 misquitoes?
Why do tourists go to the top of buildings and put money into telescopes so they can see things on the groud close up?
Why do we kill people that kill people to show that killing is wrong?
Why is it that bullets ricochet of Superman, but he ducks when they throw the gun at him?
If your bird sees you reading the newspaper, does it wonder why you're just sitting there staring at carpeting?
Kennedy - Lincoln Similarities
Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846
Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946
Lincoln was elected President in 1860
Kennedy was elected President in 1960
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain 7 letters.
Both were concered with civil rights
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on Friday.
Both were shot in the head.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln
Both were assissinated by Southerners
Both were succeeded by Southerners
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908
John Wilkes Booth, who assinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their 3 names.
Both names have 15 letters.
Booth ran from a theatre and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre.
The famous poem "O Captain, My Captain", was written for Lincoln, but was read at Kennedy's funeral.
And here's the real kicker
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.
Things Girls can say
1.Don't hate me because I'm beautiful, hate me because your boyfriend thinks so!
2.East to the sea, West to the land, death to the Bitch, who touches my man!
3.If you need a nickel, I'll give you a dime, If you need a man, girl, don't mess with mine!
4.Roses are red, Violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you?!
5.God created men first because you always need a rough draft before the masterpiece!
6.Only good girls go to heaven, I wasn't invited!
7.Children in the dark causes accidents, accidents in the dark cause children!
8.I Have P.M.S and a Gun, now what were you saying?!?!
Things for men to say
1.It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean!
2.Do you believe in love at first sight or do you have to walk past me again?
3.Love's a sensation caused by temptation, a guy sticks his location in a girls destination, to increase the population, of the next generation, do you understand my explanation?, or do you need a demonstration?
4.Don't drink and Drive, you might go over a bump and spill your beer!
5.God gave me brains and a penis and only a lil bit of blood, I can only work one at a time!
6.If guys got a period, they would brag about the size of there tampons!
7.Roses are red, Apples are sour, open your legs, i'll show you some power!
8.God loves stupid people, that's why there's so many blondes!
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