"Hi Paul is Adrian feeling any better today?"

hehehehe

"Oh hi Paul someone has entered you in the Ragga Radio we phone you quiz you're live on air"

"He keeps repeating the Mantra - sorrywrongnumbersorrywrongnumbersorrywrongnumber - has anything unusual happened at work recently"

"Adrian is showing signs of forcible penetration and repeated muttered 'Paul, stop it' whilst under aneasthetic

hehehehe.
Explains his low sperm count....

"Hi Paul - this is Doctor White, Adrian's doctor - can you tell me does he get lots of free coffee with his job"

thats true Sharon -

we all pretended to be football hooligans invading a cricket match

Adrian aint in today - just asked for him - dunno if Paul is bluffing or if maybe Adrian's got stress or summink

Hehe, this thread is still good.

Actually the first messageboard to get 'B&Qed' was the Grauniad's cricket board.

Hi Paul this is Adrian - milk two sugars please

HAHAHAHA

"Hi can i speak to Adrian"

"I'm sorry we cant transfer calls to specific people"

"Ok, well how do you take yours then?"

"Take my what? "

"Tea"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA

we had quite a good duo with 'Rod Hull' and 'Emu' - where Emu started beating up Rod for doing crap DIY when he put his arial on his roof

then of, course, it went downhill when Emu fell on Rod Hull, killing him outright under a pile of bricks and chimney and arial.

two days later, the phone rang in my office.....

I can't remember the specifics - tree - give Paul a bell

i've only just really read this thread. hehehe. good work everyone!

tel is genius here...hahahaha. i'm laughing out loud at this...

17/5/02 14:11
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Steph007
I just spoke to a guy called Kevin,

I just copied everything he said, he didnt hang up for at least 3 minutes, haha!!!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Steph007
"Hi can i speak to Adrian"

"I'm sorry we cant transfer calls to specific people"

"Ok, well how do you take yours then?"

"Take my what? "

"Tea"

Hung up!!!!!!!!

i can't remember anything i posted on th b&q board actually. refresh me? it was expletiveing funny though. they were all such drynecks!

"So someone from our work is suggesting that you can lag pipes with dead cats on your DIY forum - dear oh dear - he's in big trouble"

B&Q was a hurter

later I got a call from a bloke at B&Q who has tracked the posts - wanted to speak to the bloke who ran the internet - at the time, it was me, so I blagged my way out of it.

I have to disagree - I think the B&Q one was better - tree was on fire with his DIY solutions

is it like the best thread ever or do you mean it is the best thread ever though jack?

Hehehe. This is like the best thread ever! Put it on Best Of!

erm . . . . actually . . erm . . . I wrote to Kimberley Clarke once

You're right Pins, and I regret doing it now. Apologise on my behalf, would you?

worse than a shitty bit of bark? Jeeezzzzz. She had dirty nappies sent in the post too

Could be much worse pins,

I have found your tissue to be insufficiently absorbent..blah blah blah...whilst having a tug the other day....enclosed is the tissue for your inspection.....

WHAT KIND OF expletiveED UP FREAK DOES THAT????

oh, and my absolute favourite story.

*Picture my mate sitting at her desk opening post and holding the top right hand corner of the letter as she reads it*

Dear Sir/Madam

I'm writing to complain about your deluxe toilet tissue....blah blah blah....I used your product the other day and whilst wiping it caused me to cut myself and bleed. The tissue contained a small piece of bark in it that cut my skin...blah blah blah....I have attached the piece of bark to the top right of the letter for your examination"

*picture my friend throwing letter across the room*

hehe, you could

Could phone them up and pretend to be headhunting them for the Kimberley Clarke line

oh and some man wanting to know how absorbant the tissues were for soaking up spunk

why don't you phone them up and ask them?

Christ - wonder what Adrian and Paul would make of that

like men asking if they did adult sized nappies, some old woman that had put a mask on and called the police because she was convinced the dusk in her tissues was cocaine and she'd breathe it in

what like pinhead?

Do you think they are all sat in one room, pooling their coffee know-how?

did i ever tell you the stories about my friend who worked on the Kimberley Clarke helpline? She had some frightening calls.

Probably from a load of 40%ers

this is like an exercse in keynesian economic theory

how do you take yours! hahahahaha

There clones!!!!!!!!!!

THERE'S THOUSANDS OF THEM

THEY'RE BREEDING

THATS FOUR!

Kevin! See they've taken on extra staff due to a surge in demand.

I just spoke to a guy called Kevin,

I just copied everything he said, he didnt hang up for at least 3 minutes, haha!!!!!

hehehehe

hehehe, 007!

Excellent!

"Hi can i speak to Adrian"

"I'm sorry we cant transfer calls to specific people"

"Ok, well how do you take yours then?"

"Take my what? "

"Tea"

Hung up!!!!!!!!

"I've just spilled boiling coffee on my hand and I think my skin has reacted to it. Should I switch to another brand?"

hehehehe

Well done!!

Now try Adrian

i just rang and had a chat with the nice Paul - i asked him what they give advice on! - he said Kenkco Coffee.

He said he has been getting lots of prank calls, and it's not nice as sometimes these calls are important.

I asked why important , and he said reactions to it and ingrediants.

so there i had a nice conversation!

oops wrong thread

I cannot die

go on then gladney

someone

can't some engage them in a conversation? There are mere ciphers

If so get a vocoder and phone them up

Do they have helplines

hehe shaun

ive often considered phoning one of the tobacco companies and asking them how I can use their product without killing myself

I think the "again" may have blown my cover a bit

ask him if you can inject kenco as a quick caffeine boost

I was going to ask if they sell Kenco Toothkind, but degenerated into a sniggered sheepish "Wrong number again"

ask him about the old fella they torched in a pub

what did you say to him?

hehe. you still going?

Just got Paul again - he sounds positively jaded

hooligan.net

hehehehe which sites you been looking at shaun?

Just had a look for hoolie sites - there are f**kin loads

There are some hilarious posts where it's obviously a copper trying to catch them out.

"Yeah I is a Forest fan an I is really gettin into bein a hoolie - who is your top boy and where do you meet?"

was the gist of one post

Don't give him the pleasure. He's a disgrace to CUFC

I read his book

it was www.pauldodd.com, but I don't think it;s there any more

what's the address

the footy hoolie type who had his own message board full of meatheads

who?

is Paul Dodd still around? There's a twat that needs b&qing again, or maybe the Millwall site

is there a chat forum at the Daily Mail?

heheh tree

hehehe

and numerous American football sites
and a cheese site!

Can't we have a crack at the Daily Mail?

i remember that. there were lots of characters called things like 'white pride' - so i went on as Mr. Homepride and kept posting pics of the little homepride guy and talking about how the real problem facing the aryan race was the lack of quality cook-in sauces available nowadays

We did a white supremacists site at about the same time

pz - less of the student - i'm a proper worker now! - for a few more months anyhow!

It was a DIY forum - some 40%ers asked about increasingly ridiculous problems whilst others gave increasingly ridiculous solutions to genuine problems.

They eventually cottonned on and the forum was shut down

those were the days...

There was also a thread about it in the last couple of days, I think.

It's here. Student.

dunno, was before my time. The legend is a bit lacking in detail. I think it was when the "original" 40%ers were on a recruitment drive, and posted up the link to the site on loads of message boards. The B&Q site got hit a lot, with daft messages as well - the posts were traced back and legal action was threatened

Of course I could be totally wrong

Whoj - can you give me a breif synopsis on what occured then?

'twas a long time ago, lost in the mist of time, now a legend amongst 40%

This B&Q thread - were is it?

"I've spilled all my coffee granules reading your phone number on the jar."

Heh heh

Nice one Cyril, nice one son.

This is the funniest thing i have ever thread!

HAHAHAHA

"Yeah I'm running away - I gave her a false name and number - thanks for your help"

"Shit it's split - what do I do now"

"Yep, I'm rubbing her tits now"

"OK I've got the johnny on, what do I do next"

hehehehe durex?

Do all products have helplines - Tampax?

Bet they were expletiveing dreading going into work this morning.
So, I reckon every thursday, choose a product, give the helpline loads of grief.
Weetabix next?

congratulations to everyone who took part.

wicked shaun

Oh shit

"Morning Adrian, yeah it's the wrong number again"

excellent - a 40percent top thread

excellent stuff - I love this sort of thing.

If you get tied up in this sort of thread as it happens you laugh so much it hurts.

this is great

I love - `I just got adrian, theres thousands of them!!!'

HAHAHA

hehehehe, I've got tears running down my cheeks (no,not all four of them) and everyone is the office is looking at me strangely...

my sides really hurt now..this has excellent mischief potential..

just tried to call, but remembered i am on the 'net. is it a 24hr line?

heheheh that'll brighten his night up

D'you think he'll rub it in for me?

best call Ian and see if some Kenco will soothe it, then.

Hehehe, my stomach hurts from laughing.

this thread is fantastic, I've just been rolling around in tears reading it... especially the PG Tips line.

A long, long while ago, in another place, I challenged someone to tell me when Baileys was invented. They only went off and rang the Baileys careline (it was about 11pm!) and came back with the answer....

It was 1974.

*Awars Shaun the Order of the Golden Ferret*

Absolute fooking genius. *Salutes Shaun*

"I've got a new coffee whitener Kenco might be interested in - I should be able to supply a gallon a week"

"Hi, I think I've come up with a new coffee drink idea. It's called 'Cuppatea?No!' and I was wondering if Kenco would be interested?"

Can I speak to Mr Kenco please

one on top of the other to form a kind of ladder to god.

Ian! what's the best way to stack Kenco coffee jars on a shelf?

please stop phoning me, i'm quite busy.

hahahahah! I'd ring this but I'm a coward and have the odd feeling they'd trace the call back to the office a la the original B&Q debacle

Mellow Burds ye mean

hehehe

"Hi, is that the Mellow Birds customer service line? Hello? Hello? Ah, fook ya then"

what are you saying to them, Azul?

Paul was really gritting his teeth just now. I think his boss must be in the room.

oh lord, I've jsut rung orm to tell him about this thread and I couldn't talk because I was giggling so much.

I cannot speak when they pick it up

has anyone atually said anything to these people yet?

Hello, erm, this is embarasing, but I've got something stuck in one of your 25g jars

hahahaha

"Hi Adrian I'm turtleheading"

Azul, you could send some absolute filth to that one.

http://www.kraftfoods.co.uk/kenco/careline.htm

"Want to share your Wheat Crunchies experience? E-mail us at:

crunch@golden-wonder.co.uk"

shite where is the site

Why is Kenco better than supermarket own brands?

ask them where your nearest stockist is of their Espresso Bean Grinder...(really, it's on their website which features a picture of one of their call centre coffee consultants!!!)

even he must see the funny side of this

I've got me bloody boss sitting in a meeting on the other side of the frigging filing cabinets and he can here everything.

I am a real customer tankie - I have two jars of Kenco in me desk

try not to giggle andy

Bastard - he just rung me up - he aint that pissed

yeah, that'll do, andy. Go for it

sort of start off asking how much coffee is reasonable to have in an irish coffee etc.etc.?

good idea tankie, someone better ask them a sensible (??) question

"your coffee, is it really strong, you know really really strong, like it'll clear your head, make you see clearly etc. etc. cos yer missus looks really good at the moment and I don't want to spoil it by sobering up, I just need some energy cos she's like an eel plugged into the mains."

Hehe... he's just picked up the phone and isn't saying anything... nothing... I can hear him swinging round on his chair...

next time one of them answers like that pretend to be a real customer and make them squirm..

That's hardly 'care' is it Shaun. Moody bastards.

hehehhe

excellent - a proper B&Q thread

hehehehe Really Hlas?
Least they realise we're taking the piss.

"Hello this is f**kin Ian - what do you want"

conco expletiveee

"I just spilled hot coffee on my crotch and now my crotch is hot can you help you with my hot crotch Ian oh Ian my hot crotch GUH! never mind bye thank you bye"

they've stopped giving out their real name now, just answered as Zarg, Destroyer of Mugs

A weetabix helpline - nos please

I'll piss meself if it's Adrian and Paul manning those too

and cornflakes

Walkers crisps have got one, so has weetabix.

Am pissed - how much do I have to drink before I can go back on to the bridge and steer this fooking tanker?

good work

Mate's just texted me to say he's taken the afternoon off and he's pised in Camden - I've just texted him back with the Kenco helpline number.

Hopefully he's pissed enough to ring it and have a chat with them

"Hi, is that Ian? Tell Paul that Adrian fancies him"

Kenco Cares!

heheheh PG Tips - hehehe

definately clovis

there must be loads of products with phone info lines

methinks a new summer sport hath been discovered to keep 40% busy in the closed season

Oh dear god - I am sitting here sniggering

If you look on the website, it's not just an information line, it's a 'careline'
Wankers.

100

coffe drinking poofs

hehehehe

In the absence of water do you advise eating instant or filter?

"Tell them you work for the PG Tips hotline and you'll be
waiting for them after work to give them a kicking. "

HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

I CANNE GET THE LID OFF THE NEXT JAR COS AM SHAKING

suspicious if they've any sense.

hahahaha getts

he he he he

I'm gonna ask em if they get a lot of crank calls

could have been aidrian

They must be really confused as to the sudden workload

ask them if they need to take five and have a coffee.

they ignored me at first - listening for a snigger Iexpeck

I just got Adrian too!!!! You could tell by the tone of his voice they were getting anoyed

whatcha mean, stopped talking?

I'm on the phone to them now - they've stopped talking!

Bet they've started a f**kin recruitment drive after today

Maybe Bobbins didn't hear properly

Bobbs - was it defo Ian - if so we have 3 of em

they must be rolling up their shirt sleeves at the other end.

HAHAHAHA THERE'S THOUSANDS OF THEM!!

Just got Adrian. hahahaha

I've had Paul twice - no Ian

he he he he he he he

Phone up Ian and tell him Paul said he was a c**t

was it paul that answered again? Have we established there's only two of them?

Shit - just had to hang up - was gonna ask Paul if Ian was there but began sniggering

is that when you fashion a string of anal beads from medium roast Quaquacha Beans?

Ask them what a Kenco 69 is?

posters?

we could be helping them achieve their monthly targets and helping them to get a bonus

hehe shaun

like that tv station switchboard on the simpsons.

Someone please speak to them

or the bint in the advert

Ask them why that Kenco bird isn't really the MD

have you posted up the posters?

c'mon getty man, be strong

Bet Ian and Paul are shagged - they've had 2 calls today which is more than all of April

I think you should do that Ara

hehehe getty I'm almost sorry I've got to go home to miss the rest of this.

IT WAS FECKING ENGAGED!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Ask them how much the people picking the beans get paid a week.

I tried and failed again. Everyone in the office keeps looking at me and asking what's so funny.

*tries again*

Ian and Paul sound more like they were dot.com millionaires on paper 2 years ago

go getty

ask them why they don't do them really really expensive coffee beans that are eaten and passed by a jungle cat prior to use

do you reckon they have to do a 'part my chaps and oil my bumcrack' routine if calls come in on a differnt line?

yeah - the stage after is attacking good mates for no apparent reason

I keep picking up the phone to ask them which of their coffees I should use for a Tiramisu and keep pissing myself halfway through dialling and then have to give up.

Three times I've tried now.

do you reckon they would know what happens after the sweating / shaking / headache stage of taking too much coffee. there must be a higher point than that

hehehe MM

Years ago Ian and Paul would have been miners or steel workers - and now look at them. Reduced to answering inane questions about coffee and cheese.

Have pity!

hehehe MM, that's the first thing that's made me laugh all afternoon

or Nescafe

They sound very posh - it may well be satch who's used all his chances in life to scale the dizzy heights at Kenco

Tell them you work for the PG Tips hotline and you'll be waiting for them after work to give them a kicking.

You're all horrible. They're probably some poor sods who live in some deprived part of the UK and can't get any other jobs.

You mean Newcastle?

Can you imagine getting chatted up by one of them stan

hehehe, stanley. bless.

Just ask them if they want a coffee

You're all horrible. They're probably some poor sods who live in some deprived part of the UK and can't get any other jobs. And they probably have to answer loads of shitty questions on a range of Kraft products. Blue light comes on = kenco, red light = kraft slices, etc

You mean sods!

ask 'em if they know about Kofi Lembak from Indonesia - shat out by nocturnal civet cats, the world's most expensive and exclusive coffee (with a dictinctive strong chocolate taste, I'm told ...)

ask if the manageress was any good.

Right, so there's going to be 18 elementary Thai students phoning them up tomorrow morning,
lets hope Ian and Paul have some help.

ask him what qualifications you need to do a job like that.

I don't think I can ask anything - I was struggling to say I think I have the wrong number

two things

1) There is more than one person working there

2) Wonder what number the guy thought I could have been after - Everything you wanted to know about shoes but were too afraid to ask line

come on, ask them a question! They sit there all day just WAITING to show off their deep knowledge of coffee as taught at Kenco Advanced Coffee College...

ian and paul?? they have multiple operators???

paul AND ian? how manymore man this 24hr support line then?

hehehehe,
I'm doing a lesson on telephone language tomorrow morning,
Might get all the class to phone up, as part of their homework.

"good afternoon, welcome to the kenco coffee line, my names Paul how can I help you"

"Sorry I've got the wrong number"

"OK thank you"

hahahaha, well done bobbins

Kraft Jacobs Suchard is indeed part of Philip 'Kill 'em Young' Morris.

I'm proud of you Ian

daddy when I grow up I want to man the kenco coffee line

hehehe - "good afternoon, welcome to the kenco coffee line, my names ian how can I help you"

*hangs up pissing self laughing*

has anyone called it yet?

"it makes the coffee taste flat."

as opposed to the fizzy coffee that we all know and love.

sh2?

what is artificial water?

Kenco® - Interesting Facts


Kenco® decaffeinated coffee is made by spraying steam over green coffee beans. Carbon dioxide helps remove the caffeine from the beans, which are then gently dried in warm air. The beans are then roasted to produce the appropriate strength and flavour.

Ground coffee can be stored in a freezer for up to one year in an air-tight container. But do not freeze in glass containers.

Brazil is the world's largest coffee exporter. Vietnam is second followed by Colombia and Indonesia.

Never use artificial, distilled or chemically softened water for coffee - it makes the coffee taste flat.

Beethoven was a keen coffee drinker. He counted 60 beans for every cup he consumed.

i can't remember anything else about the manageress (like even whether i watched it). was it any good?

MM gets the coffee spitting on the screen award for his 15.46

"Actually I've just spat coffee all over my computer screen can you put me through to your IT department"

kraft is part of teh philip morris group isn't it?

that's her - been replaced by her off Ballykissangel

cherie lunghi

excalibur & the manageress

I'm arranging a coffee morning for the WI.

What sort of biscuits should I get and how many?

Also, Mrs Brown is not here yet; is it ok to gossip about what she gets up to with the milkman when her husband is away on business trips?

email: kenco.coffeline@krafteurope.com

Kraft?? thought they made cheese?

in the advert - they've replaced that burd who was the managing director with some other tart

crap ads used to star wossface, now they've got a younger clone in

I've spilled all my coffee granules reading your phone number on the jar.

hehehe, go on, make their day!

"How many sugars do I take?"

sorry whoj you need to explain that

"I cannot get the lid off the jar - what should I do?"

ask them what they've done to the old managing director

Your instant coffee has a horrible after taste. what should I do?

"I've got uncontrollable shakes and I can't sit still - what should I do?"

Coffee advice?

0808 100 8787 - Call free for coffee advice (UK)

B&Q it?