*defeated*

no, it's no good trying to cover yourself now, it was a snub of massive proportions. don't try to use the fact I wasn't at home at the time as an excuse.

i was in the car park of Sainsbury's for twenty mins, fitting a snub in would be impressive even by my standards.

you snubbed me in Haywards Heath once, and you had to go out of your way to do that

just gently.

i'll try and perfect my yerkshire drawl aswell, that last effort was rubbish.

i'm not going to the pub!! everyone keeps accusing me of snubbing them and i've not even been out anywhere! hehe.

have you heard of him, tree? legend, absolute legend.

lips - you going to the pab?

you're deliberately avoiding me :O(

god i miss bongo kenco :O(

dr mongo looks a lot like bongo kenco...

ello jimble, flower. i shall expect you to slap me round the face as a greeting when we meet then, mmkay? hehe.

that's my hand in the pic. that's how he likes it, uh huh yeah.

hahahaha.

it would be much easier if we showed our bums and bits more to each other in general social interccourse. then they wouldn`t be so tabboo and have such sway on us.

*pulls pants down*

eyup lips petal.

*slaps*

it was good. but it was just sex. i'm having a much more satisfying relationship now with this guy

dr. mongo

that's fantastic all-in-one beard/hair

right, you give me her nuttyhole, and I'll try to get you someone spiritual. deal?

that said, the last really satisfactory sex i had was with this chap

but this is against everything i really need ! :-O she may as well wear her knickers on the outside of her pants.
i need a spiritual connection, not a slippy ride to heaven up a nuttyhole!
:-O

that's exactly why.

because deep down...far beyond our understanding and societal conditioning...

we all want to shag a bottyplop

but hang on until I get there

hahaha...i know ther`e aware of it, she`s leaning right forwards, god it`s a cruel world when it`s so easy to titillate a man into action. why are bums so sexy anyway :-O when theyr`e full of poo? :-O

you have to get the intensity of the smack just right so it's in pain / pleasure threshold, like spicy food or a cold coke on your tongue.

slap her cheekily on the bottie ped and then wink in the direction of the nearest broom cupboard. that's the kind of the response she's looking for i tell you.

try and levitate her. i used to spend months and months sternly staring at people, trying to will them into the air.

it's really difficult but i managed it a few times during the early 90s, most notably on maggie philbin who was in the middle of a link on tomorrows world at the time.

ther`es a young Asian girl here in the library bending forwards with her G-string riding right up her crack and her nutty hole very nearly visible. i may ask her if i can give her a wiggle.

i've had some of my best shags in the middle of very intense arguments. whats that mean?

hehe, Ara's 15:22. Alan Smith is definitely one of the strangest thing's that's ever aroused me. See also: being accidentally slapped hard in the face, Leeds accents, and lotsofotherstuffidontthinkillmention. ;O)

nuttyhole sounds really dirty. like when you pull your chipolata out it's going to be smothered in a paste that looks like mashed up snickers bars.

"turbo-ports", hehe

that`s my new name for it now. though i do like nuttyhole too.

when i used to live in the future, i've got to confess, i used to shag robots in their 'turbo-ports'

haha

I remember when i was 28, i was sprawled on my grandma`s couch, and realised that my cock was hanging out of my shorts but instead of putting it back in i kind of just left it hanging there, then i noticed my Nan sneaking long looks at it, and she started sucking her teeth in a kind of weird way which turned me on, then i started to get hard, and just lay there on the couch watching Stars in their Eyes with this Big fat stonker throbbing away :O)

a hugely fat one, yes

hahaha! that took me a minute to realise it was a dream too. i honestly thought fnord was telling us he'd been born a woman

16:04 tree

ohmygoshi'vejustrememberedped's

whats fnords? and why did jesus and his mates laugh at him?

haven't read fnord's yet. *scrolls*

eeeeurrrgggghhh Mockers :-O

the stories appearing in this thread make me think ive led a pure blameless life.

yours was spectacular though, fnordle.

jesus, and people laughed at me

that's worse than putting your head in the lion's mouth, mockers

gnnnggg

Dan, I`m not going to even rise to the bait :-) Like Bucky, i was a poor curious little child tempted by the sins of the flesh.

When I was about 6 an "associate" (he was always too grubby to be a mate) delighted in showing how he'd taught the family collie to suck him off. There wasn't much curiousity about it, he was re-enacting the porno he'd found in his dad's kitbag, with the dog playing the female lead obviously.

i'm sorry bucky.

bucky,
the fact you were just a curious little kid makes it charming not abusive...but there again...how old was the rabbit?

:-O

i remember ped coming out with some corkers

OK, well, I'm sorry. I can assure you no cruelty was involved, and with that I shall take my leave and hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

"i nursed the rabbit gently to his pleasure"

hehe.

hahahahaah.

HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!! :O)

(im not even going to join in this thread. i kind of feel it was set up as a trap anyway).

Did you actually bring him off fully Buck? I can see Hugh Fairly-Wittering advising us all to wank rabbits off into our cassoulets.

seriously though, i think that's an awful story. not comical at all

It explains why I'm an overweight father of two from Kingston? How?

Hoprah

How was he consenting? He was a tiny little bunny rabbit, and you were some filthy clod-hopping ten year old. Would have been better if you did eat him.

I bet he went on the rabbit "Oprah" with his story.

How did you pull him, buckland? Did you buy him some carrots and stroke his ears a bit?

you're one step from being john wayne gacey

i don't think it's true buckland. and if it is, it explains why you are the way you are.

He was consenting. I was 10. What can I tell you? I feel terrible. It's not like I ATE him or anything.

I swear to god, if your mothers were reading this.........

You're all going to hell on the day of reckoning anyway. Wanking off rabbits, I don't know..mutter....youth of today...etc etc

I woke up one hot summer morning next to the ex, thinking "hello, game on again", then saw her head next to mine on the pillow. Quietly removing the nutsweat-licking kitten from attending to my scrotum I placed her between the ex's thighs and went to make a cuppa. Was a good minute before I heard the scream.

I love my life a little more every time I relate that story.

so i'm not talking to you ever again. that's rape.

Yes. So?

buckland. i want a straight answer without ANY funnies.

did anyone else force worms to shit when they were younger?

Jaysus, I was only 10, and I'd just read 'Where Do I Come From?' by Claire Rayner and I wanted to try it out, and my banger wasn't going to provide much evidential material. I'm not a sicko, just species-curious.

I have never wonked off a rodent of any kind. No sir. Not me.

I prefer ungulates.

I had a lezza Aussie flatmate years back, we went out clubbing together, off our faces throwing shapes when this stunning girl sidles between us and starts dancing very provocatively, backing into first one then the other, winking, "accidentally" brushing against us, very Grange Hill disco. About an hour of this, me doing nowt, flatmate doing nowt. As we walk out I ask her why the hell she didn't take home the fit lass who was moving on her? "On me? I was about to ask if you're not gay as well?".

I hate my life a little bit more every time I relate that story.

rabbits, mink, weasels, stoats, they are all for his pleasure and his alone.

wait there buckland.

did you REALLY wank off a rabbit? or is this some sort of internet urban you're trying to construct around yourself? like a fishy moat around a chipshop

"wasn;t it buckie that fingered his rabbit though?"

I profoundly resent being written off as a perv. He was a boy rabbit, and I nursed him gently to his pleasure. I didn't' 'finger' him. That's disgusting.

that's what I did. Involuntarily.

um, er...

*sprints off*

I was at the reading festival in about '91 or '92 when some perv tried to rub me up from behind.

when i was at the reading festival in...91 or 92...i was in the tent to see...i think it was five thirty (remember them?) and i was really pushed hard at the front against someone who had a soft rounded bum...and who i was convinced from the back was a girl.

i erm, started to swell a bit and couldn't move at all. hehe. that's terrible isn't it?

especially when i realised they was a boy.

:-O

It's never been the same since they added the non-slip strips long the corridor.

grinding up against that 52 year old in the Fab the other month

The Nuttyhole's still open? Used to end every night in there, I'd come out in the early hours looking like shit.

i'll try and finish it now.

one time when i was taking my mom up the.heheh...haha nuttyhole! hahaha i ca'nt do it. hahaaaa

200

i'm hung like a donkey with a tiny 1 inch needle dick

your mum's nuttyhole is ruined tree, you must be hung like a donkey

chocolate love token

once when i was taking my mom up the nuttyhole, i hahahahaha. i just typed the word nuttyhole. hahahai can't finish this post now. hahaahehehe

*pissed on matt*

i have now!

topic - me too :O) but with someone totally else who none of you have met so don't get picturing anything alright?

hehe. yeah i have once tree, with a g/f in taipei. not drinking it or anything but pissing on each other in the bath / shower. it was sort of funny but not very erotic. acres is your man for this kind of thing.

*pisses on tree*

your turn

anyone ever had real proper piss action with a partner?

you go first

hahaha

i've had those sort of dreams in the past actually. not for a while though.

I keep having smutty dreams set on the tube these days. In one the other day i follwed a girl onto the platform who was wearing nothing but a pair of kinky knickers. I grabbed her arse and it went on from there.

lips was shockingly bad

i'm keeping quiet on this, then. :o)

actually, fancy getting together and sucking each other off? i'm out at wrestling practise tonight but i can meet you in the bogs after?

mockernee. last night i was convinced i'd done it too. i only remembered when i saw your post.

thankyou my friend.

Hotel Sinless, Rio - "Where Love is Not a Crime"

ouch, I had to take paracetamol last night for my knees, I couldn't sleep with the pain. must buy some new trainers.

Thank you Tree, I'm not alone. I half expect to wake up sucking my thumb 'cos there's sensations in the dream as well. And it makes a welcome change from the one where my knees won't straighten and I'm in crippling agony, 'cos when I wake up from them my knees won't straighten and I'm in crippling agony.

mockers-let that be a lesson to you

whoa! that's crazy. i swear i had a dream about sucking my own banger last night. weird

hmmm, I've got to go too now, bugger it.

To be fair, my sister's pretty fit. Anyway, this was supposed to be your most perverted and involuntary arousal triggers, I fessed up.

hehe, as luck would have it I have to run off to work now. Sorry!

look, this isn't on! everyone knows it all anyway!

the crayola express is bang on time!

lips was shockingly bad

bio remembers it all :-)

i spoke to fishinabox late last night. he's really gone doolally. all smiles and bible quotes and nudity

even if I get you very drunk?

fat chance of that happening anyway :o(

i think so satch, wasn;t it buckie that fingered his rabbit though? haha

hehe, i won't be repeating it I don't think!

Surely best of isn't dead for ever? We can;t lose the cliff thorburn and fishinabox threads!

I remember that lins

bing did bad things to a cat didn't he?

i once, erm..i um...i cant tell you

choo!-choo!

...you'll have to tell me one day though, best of is dead I think.

at least you were in good company lins

ara, it was a shocker. Me, lips and bing TOTALLY disgraced ourselves. As did buckie i think. Was about to give you a link, but as luck would have it best of doesn't seem to be working! It is on there though

yeah, but dreams don't mean anything, they're just messed up thoughts.

if I really wanted to shag the people I dreamed about shagging I'd be seriously concerned.

I had one dream like that and it was horrible - I woke up almost screaming...

well i sure as hell don't dream about my sisters

lins, spill the beans? I missed all that!

no ara, no they're not.

do you only dream about sex with people you want to shag BB?

Strange.

incest dreams/fantasies are fairly common aren't they?

maybe I think so because I'm an only child.

why why why would you want to give your sister one? i know your a scouser but this ain't brookside

i wish mockers had been around in the days of the worst things you did as a kid thread. Might have made me, bing and lips look slightly better.

Although that's tricky

now you're pushing it

*backs away slowly*

hehehe

eeeeeeeeeeeew

giving your sister one?

Phew, no need to mention how Nana Moon makes me frisky then.

your not fine mokkers, judging by that post your not fine at all

funny, i had the exactly same dream about your sister

nah, after fnords confession you're fine mockers.

Am I the only fella who dreams, genuinely dreams not idle fantasising, about blowing himself? And every time I think "yes! this one's definitely not a dream, result" only to wake up. I've explained it to my girlfriend and a possible resolution to my problem, but no dice.

And I've given my sister a shamefully good seeing-to several times, christ do I feel grim when I wake up after that dream.

I've said too much haven't I, damn.

Pity - Gonzo and Animal would be fantastic pornstars...

neither. was just a crap attempt at a jokey comment to lins previous post

Matt - as in Hunter or Henson (or both)?

I've seen pornos shot in those hotels. real gonzo stuff.

we also thought we could see a red light on behind one of the mirrors, but that may have been paranoia

She's quite nice, actually, but some of the things I've imagined doing to the redhead off That 70's Show...

they could be using all that genetic material to produce a race of super wankers, or summat.

nice! I suppose it beats flushing them down the loo.

you know those little shutes they have in super markets that the put the notes in at the till? Then the shoot off? They had those in all the rooms to for you to put your used condoms in

If I can hold it straight, I aim to please.

sounds like a great place for a honeymoon

hahaha bio - you're making me giggle like a nutter today

it's a mental place, ara. We were driving around looking for a hotel after the argentina game and the only paces we could find were love hotels. Tony went in to check if they had rooms and came back going "right, don't laugh when you go in there but the reception desk is basically a cabinet full of vibrators"

just your hand will do...

From my totally naive perspective, Japan is an enigma. So much social politeness and stuff, but so blatant about sex. I can't get my head around it.

Quite, they tend to burst into flames 'round the back' on Park Lane.

na, just a normal hotel room sooz, except they had mirrored ceilings and walls and stuff

hehehe, bio - I should have known better than to post on a thread like this. All I'm willing to say on the didlo/dildo front is "Don't trust the bendy ones"...

the great thing about love hotels is there's no discretion involved - they all have big pink neon signs all over them that scream "LOVE HOTEL" hehe

was it like those pods that you just climbed into?

hehehe

are they bigger? More girth? What is it about them you like Dougs, tell us, please!

it didn't with the company i had sooz, much as he was trying.

"so fancy a shag then?"
"nope"
"could you give me a blow job?"
"no"
"I could go down on you?"
"no, really it's ok"

hehe

hehe, I like "didlos" better than "dildos"...

oh..well that'll have to do then.

*shakes ara's hand, firmly*

yeah, pay by the hour. You go in and they have outfits and didlos and stuff on display. You can just stick your credit card in and they give you a key - don't even have to speak to anyone.

We stayed in a couple - they're really cheap over night, only about a tenner, cos most people use them during the day

no terry, just a friendly pat on the back type of hug

*proud*
*not in THAT way*

tent. garden. back inside for the telly.

is that like, horny touchy feely hugs?

doesn't it smell of sex though Lins?

love hotels?

I like the sound of that, no nonsense.

I made that up.

shame they don't have love hotels, like in Japan, they;re the best

aw tel

*hugs*

£36 an hour?

Go for the deals, Premier Lodge £25 for the night.

Ara - just make sure before you book it that Shrew won't phone up and break your heart.

this thread needs to go on best of. now

hehehehe

"I could feel them up inside me"

HAHAHAHA!

and it doesn't matter how many 'sleep' int he room either..

oh my good god, not in all my dreams did i imagine such a post from fnord.

hahaahahahaahah! it is so twisted. midget children - my f-ing god!!

travelodge on the M1 - £36/hr

yeah ara - you should. nice hotel for a few hours. some marvellous norty action - you'll feel loads better

hehe lins, I want to hear about him getting all soapy with his FIL again.

Bru, not really until Shrew has written up, then we're off.

Anyway, its his birthday this weekend and I've booked a babysitter. Maybe we should forget the film and meal and just book a hotel for a few hours.

where's chris - I want to hear about him and his mum in her wedding dress. It's not real perversion unless he's around

have mad pash lurving while the spuds are on the boil

100

it's easy to get up, too.

that is one sexy chair

hahahaha. i'm still giggling about fnord

bless ara. can you not book a norty weekend away?

PHWOAR!

its not so bad, the evenings are ours (when Shrew gets home before 10 that is)

aaarrrgh

*runs away screaming with fingers in ears*

get noj round to hold the baby while you have a quick expletive

soooz, I think if I scheduled a few quick 2 minute bonks here and there I'd have less of the dreams.

don't you love it when you go too far and everyone backs away?

hehehe, poor Shrew, he'd have sex 3 times a day if he had his way. as it is he's lucky if its once a week :o(

either that or you've left a tampon in

*gets strangely aroused*

not even 2 mins for a quick shuffle Ara?

i expect so ara, that or shrew isn't man enough for you. Let's get him on here and talk about your sex life. hehe. Just kidding.

Probably just the frustration of not having time to do stuff you want to, including sex

were you on the pill, fnord, or were they using condoms?

do you think its because I never have time for sex?

think that's the first time I've told that one and I'm very proud of the result

*off to do some work*

its horrid lins

hhahahahahahaha!

Christ ara, that sounds a nightmare.

>>>> I could just feel their tiny little cocks as if I was a woman

!!!!!

phew, that's a no then bru!

hehehehe, am I the only person laughing at fnord?

or rice crispies.

oh dear god - i'm practically hyperventilating i'm laughing so much

oh, and I think you have cysts on your ovaries, fnord.

it wasn't like they were crawling up my gruff ort anything, I could just feel their tiny little cocks as if I was a woman - that was the really odd part about it

please stop asking fnord these questions.

*leaves*

I woke up covered in a strange ooze.

when you say 'right up inside me' - where do you mean exactly?

no lins, more that I can't get anyone to sort me out, and I try loads of people and none of them are up for it, so I end up trying to sort myself out but that doesn't work.

I wake up really horny and frustrated but I've got other stuff to do so it just gets forgotten about.

this was last week yeah?

oops - he did.

seriously. I woke up and could remember every thrust.

hahahahaha bio!

hahaha patty

hahahaha

fnord - seriously?

ARGH! I had a dream where me and my twin dwarf brother were feeding grapes to a big fat woman before we had sex with her! ARGH!

oh jesus christ

*calls an exorcist*

i heard about a bloke who used to have a wank in his car because he couldnt get any privacy anywhere else. And then he found he couldnt get it up at all unless he was in his car.

*waits for fnord to strike*

*gag*

sorry, I was on the phone

right

this was a good few years ago but it was very vivid. I was an immensely fat woman in a big velvet lined opulent bedroom, being attended to by 2 midget children, feeding me grapes and pampering me and that. then they started to have sex with me, and I could feel them right up inside me. it can only have been a past life coming back in my dreams.

you're shagging and you can't reach the peak, ara?

filth, muhuhu Ill give them fiiiiilth
*wheeze*

or the documentary about people into animals and the bloke driving along in his landrover going "Coooorrr, look at the legs on her"

*camera pans to shot of horse in the field*

hahaha. great viewing. sick fuckers

hahahaha matt!

you know those anxiety dreams where you can't make a phonecall, or you're late for a job interview and can't get there? well cross that with a horny dream and that comes close to what mine are like at the moment.

he will be...rocking back and forth and speaking in tongues with scented candle burning, the curtains shut and wham playing backwards on a black hifi with 667 - the neighbour of the beast scratched on it in red ink, all the while mashing the keyboard with his fists.

hehe milburn!

hahahahaha

brilliant thread

hehehe, you've set me off too, milbs

"cork" ers, you see?

i've got this awful feeling fnord is typing a huge essay now

no but lins' cross posst has given me the giggles.

i've had some ones about corking recently

hehe, did you ever see that documentary about that, z? The woman that stole the herse?

"don't come a knockin' when the herse is a rockin'"

and that turned you on milbs?

hehehehe

i've had some corkers recently

I read an article about a necrophili@c once, and she used to break into crypts, find recently deceased bodies then hump them, or as best she could. Evidently her best organisms occurred when she could get enough of a motion going to cause them to wheeze a bit and blood to come out of their mouths.

*claims prize.leaves thread*

I always wake up just as the dreams get interesting.

I could never share my naughty dreams, they are far too strange.

still dead?

*holds gun to head*

go on then - but if it gets too weird i'll end it all

you sure? it's a corker

NO

I had a really strange erotic dream once, anyone want to hear it?

your wasted here tel, you should have your own comic strip

hehehe

finally

satch! what's strange about that?

haha maka!

I once dated a Geordie Goth called Lynnette...i think we split up cos i made her brush her teeth after giving me head (i'm a bad man!)

I once fancied a mackem, sorry, i know, that is going too far

I once dreamt about a girl with great tits but hairy nipples.

I'm not liking this thread and where it is going

The death of Bertie Mee.

michelle deatrice and lorraine kelly. I've come over all funny.

I've been known to hanker after less-than-foxy girls, purely because of the fmb factor.

freak

what ara said

me too az, but she's getting better all the time

I liked Lorraine Kelly many moons ago.
Also had a thing for Jayne Irving.

Anne Diamond does nothing for me, though.

Ara

lorraine kelly has a lovely accent

LORRAINE KELLY!!!

sue
or
michelle
jim

Lorraine Kelly.

(michele deatrice, not sue lawley)

this will all end in tears

you've a thing for gavin strang babble?

deny, thank god its not only me.

sue
lawley

alan smith

bugger! I thought this was a Terry thread

michelle
dotrice
in
some
mothers
do
ave
em

use of the word strang

come on be honest now you strang lot.