These are the things that upset me

Alright here I go, I知 not to good at expressing myself in writing. But I知 in the kind of mood where I think I need to rant about something that really gets to me.

Well at my school I知 not the most popular person there is, infact I believe most people just look right through me and look for my faults. That or they use me for what I can do for them and then they get rid of me until they need me again. I知 looked upon as a freak, a misfit, a weirdo, less than normal, and as an oddball. To this I take great pride to say thank you, for who would want to be like you and your little people that are just like you. Personally I believe that you can be more insulting to someone by calling them normal, no one is really normal. I don稚 have many friends that are actual friends, mostly just people that hang around but don稚 really understand me or what I知 thinking, which of course I知 not always sure of myself. This is basically my status, and where I stand in the microcosm that is my school.

I can completely relate to what Raven was talking about in the video clip last night. You see I went to a private school during my adolesence and delt with trying to play by other peoples rules to fit in with them. I delt with judgemental kids and teachers who couldn't give a crap whether I lived or died everyday. If I wanted to play I was shuned by the kids, if I wanted to sit alone and think I was shuned by the teachers for not being social and for being wierd. Its no wonder I suffered a break down at the ripe age of 13. Finally I taught myself not to care what those stupid people thought. On days that we were alowed to dress out of uniform I wore knee high leather boots, black jeans, and my Harley shirt, believe you me I know what ridicule is. But I used it to my advantage, I hipend my reputation of violence towards stupid people. So I know what rejection is, I know what its like to be hated for no reason other than being different. I can sympathize with whatever you can throw at me.

These are the lyrics to the Offspring song Smash, I like this song because its just like me, almost like they read my mind.

Head over heals I've fit in before
Now I don't want to do it no more
I've held it all in with blood on my face
Built it up man so bad you can taste
I don't slag no one
I don't even judge
Don't give a sh*t cause I'm not gonna budge
I just want to be who I want to be
Guess that's hard for others to see
I'm not a trendy asshole
I do what I want
I do what I feel like
I'm not a trendy asshole
I don't f*ck if it's good enough for you
Cause I'm alive
Smash is the way you feel all alone
Like an outcast you're out on your own
Smash is the way you deal with your life
Like an outcast you're smashing your strife
Head over heals I've fit in before
Now I don't want to do it no more
I just want to be who I want to be
Guess that's hard for others to see

Okay I'm going to get back into writing on this page. Well my first two days of school have gone by and I've had a hard time with it. My first day was hideous, I couldn't get into my locker, I found out that I had summer reading and the test is on monday, I'm the only girl in my drafting class, I have the worst math teacher, and my friends decide to break it to me that they won't go with me to meet Lodi. Not to mention while trying to talk some sense into Jim, my old enemy from my freshman year thinks he should put in by getting in my face and telling me to shut the f*ck up. Of course as hes yelling at me I don't pay attention to him at all which of course pissed him off even more. Scotty forced me to yell at him in front of his girlfriend. Then my mom tells me we won't go at all to meet Lodi since our puppies were sick and we needed to take care of them. But I had a better day today, even though one of our puppies died tonight. But I also got my tickets to Fall Brawl today so I am happy about that. Suprisingly I have had no comments on the flocky issue even though both days I wore a flock related shirt. On another note, Scotty spent two days in Charlotte last week, and was counting the number of shirts he saw. Mostly Wolfpc and Austin shirts is what he saw. I asked about Raven shirts and he said that he saw one, it was the one from Spencers. What I thought was really cool was that he said that the guy that was wearing it was a huge black man, I bet no one harassed him about his shirt like they did me. I wish I had been there to see him, its hard to find other flockies in public places especially when they are an intimidating size and would be great to hang out with.

Well I came to see a harsh piece of reality last night. As much as I like seeing Austin fight and Hunter run his mouth I hate what they are doing to our children. But I can't completely blame them for what I saw last night, I kind of blame tha parents as well. Last night I went to a local indy to see a friend, Karl, manage his friend in the ring. Karland Rick are heels so of course the little kids hate them and the teens love them. There were five little kids in different places around the ring, but they were all the same. Everytime Karl came near them they would either flip him off, do DX crotch chops at him, tell him to suck it, get in his face, or pelt him with ice. And I'm not talking about ten year olds or teens, I'm talking between the ages of 4-7. I saw a kid that had to be 5 stand right in front of one of the heels and do a crotch chop while flipping him off, I was in shock. I've told myself before I wouldn't let my kids watch the WWF because of these kind of things, now I'm certain that I won't. My children will only watch WCW because at least they are trying to be family oriented. I'm not going to blame Austin or Hunter, its the company that makes them like this. I'm putting a lot of blame on the parents that were with these kids. They were proud of their little boys doing these things, and I know that for a fact. I was with Karl outside when the proud fathers came to him and told their kids to tell him they're new words, suck it came out of their innocent mouths while doing a crotch chop. I know Karl was mortified along with the rest of us there. Please if you have any decency, if you're going to let your children watch it explain to them what they're doing and why its unexceptable to do it to people, if you don't expect to get a call from the principal in the near future.

In the years I have been watching wrestling I have seen numerous injuries, mild and serious. And out of all of the injuries there is one thing I have never done, and that is shed a tear for the person that was hurt. I sat there and watched Mark pop his knee back into place, bleed profusely, and have bones in his face broken, but I never cried about it. I watched Buff's injury, but I didn't cry. Tonight something happened and it amazed me that this was the first time I have ever shed my sheild and I actually cried over it. What Hogan did to poor Horace was terrible, Horace was left in a pool of blood. I sat there watching that and I began to feel tears running down my face. I don't know about the rest of the flockys out there, but I was one of the only people I know of that actually liked Horace as a flock member, I was actually rather fond of him. Seeing him treated like that got to me some how, and I've been present when Raven has been injured and this never happened. This was something rare and I'm kind of glad I was by myself when it happened, usually I'm on the phone with a wayward buddy of mine during the last hour of Nitro. Seeing the Giant investigate that blood was an eary sight, you could see the look of concern in his face as he stuck his fingers in it to see if it was real or not. Let us all remember that not everything that happens in that ring is fake, and let no one tell you other wise. These guys are out there giving their all every week and they deserve our respect.

I'd like to say that the special on secrets of prowrestling that they showed on TLC was excellent. TLC definatly has a lot more class than NBC. At least they got people to talk that people could recognize, including Vince McMahon and Bischoff. They seemed all for our sport, even if they don't support it they at least didn't bad mouth it at all. TLC is a very objective station and showed a lot of interesting things and had a lot of information that would help change people's opinion on the sport and it's reality. I praise the TLC people on such a good job. I just wish that everyone could be as supportive and objective to our life. This is the story of my life and what I go through on a daily basis, so do not judge me unless you have spent a day in my shoes. If I do update this page it will most likely be on a tuesday, or anytime I come home in a pissy mood.

<*(___)~~~
SKWEAK

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