Blasters win fourth in a row, 9-3

That, at least, was the assessment of Patches Captain Chris Spellman as he tried to explain his team's 9-3 loss to the Blasters at the Ol' Dirty JAM, the Patches' fourth consecutive loss and ninth in the 13-year history of the event.

Specifically, Spellman pointed to a series of miscues in the bottom of the eighth inning that allowed the Blasters to score five runs and put the game away.

"I don't know what happened," Spelz lamented. "Maybe his oversized thumbs kept getting in the way."

When reminded that the Ed-Dogg is known for his large cranium, not thumbs, Spelz stormed off, muttering something about having to check his messages to see if Ed had returned his calls.

McDowell is the latest in a long line of Patches that Spellman has openly blamed for his team's failures. Also on this list are Vishal Kapoor, John Annese (on multiple occasions) and Missy Jackson.

However, McDowell is also the most curious person to incur Spelz' wrath. Throughout the years, McDowell has been a loyal Patch, playing for the franchise in seven of the last eight JAMs; many have accused Spelz of having a crush on him.

When informed of Spellman's comments, McDowell was incredulous.

"I can't believe he said that," McDowell said. "When have I ever sold him out? After all I've done for the Patches, I can't stand for this. I'm gonna call [Blasters Captain Chris] Crowley and talk to him about changing sides."

While McDowell may have taken the brunt of Spellman's criticism for the loss, the contest was decided well before the eighth inning.

The Patches jumped out to a 1-0 lead in the top of the first inning on consecutive singles by Joe Licht, Tom Dever and Sean "The Human Highlight Film" Blakely. That was the extent of their offense until the ninth inning.

For the game, the Patches managed a measly 10 hits and struck out five times. The bottom eight hitters in their lineup were a combined 0-14, and they suffered through an awful stretch (between Mike Fornabaio's fielder's choice in the second inning and Dever's single in the fifth) when 10 consecutive batters failed to reach base.

While the Patches floundered, the Blasters capitalized on their opportunities. John Licht's single in the bottom of the first inning plated Keith Emmer (3-for-3, two runs) to tie the game. Then, in the bottom of the third inning, a series of singles by Angel Alsina, Trevor Wiessmann, Matt "Skinny Guy" Fornabaio and Big Pete Chema (the latter two hits coming with two outs) helped the Blasters push the lead to 3-1.

"I didn't break out of jail and travel back east to lose," said Matty, who on April 29 was sentenced to serve three years in a federal penitentiary in Joliet, Ill., for unspecified violations of the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act.

Fornabaio was last seen late Saturday night being shoved into the back seat of an unmarked police car in West Yonkers, with the smell of Tyrone House rum and coke still strong on his breath. His availability for next year's JAM -- when he will attempt to become the first player to win six consecutive JAMs, breaking a record he shares with Crowley and Mike Campoli -- is uncertain.

The Blasters extended the lead to 4-1 in the bottom of the fourth inning when Rookie of the Year Billy Tagliaferri (who has perhaps the best name of any JAMmer since "Outback" Sven) smacked a two-out single to left field to score Andrew Strauss.

McDowell threw out John Licht at third on the play to end the inning, but with their offense sputtering, the lead appeared insurmountable to the Patches.

"I turned to Kelvin [Cabrera, JAM umpire] in the bottom of the fifth and told him we were already running out of time," Patches Alternate Captain Mike Fornabaio said.

Although the Patches may have appeared finished, it was not until the bottom of the eighth inning, when all hell broke loose, that Blasters put the game away. Emmer and Strauss kicked things off with consecutive singles off Spellman, who entered the game to relieve Mr. Spelz, the legendary 100th JAMmer. After a flyout to center by George McShane, John Licht grounded into a fielder's choice to put runners at the corners with two outs.

The remainder of the inning was a disaster for the Patches. McDowell committed a series of errors, including a pop-up that he later claimed to have intentionally dropped due to the obscure "infield-fly rule" (which is not applicable in softball and certainly not in The JAM), allowing two runs to score.

Dave Swarthout then ripped a double to left field that scored Tagliaferri. Joe E. O'Leary followed with a hard liner up the middle, which Rick Biggs charged and relayed to McDowell. McDowell fired the ball to Spellman, who was standing about five feet in front of the plate in a perfect screen on catcher Mike Fornabaio, in an attempt to cut down Swarthout. The throw would have been on time to nail Swarthout. However, Spellman bailed out at the last moment. That allowed the ball to whiz past him and whack Fornabaio squarely in the left knee, sending him to the ground.

"Walk it off!" Dever yelled. "What kind of hockey writer are you?"

To add insult to injury (literally), after Fornabaio was attended to, Mike Campoli and Brian Liss connected on a pair of singles to score O'Leary and give the Blasters a commanding 9-1 bulge.

The Patches plated two runs in the top of the ninth on a single by McDowell, a triple by Joe Licht and a fielder's choice by Dever, but it was too little, too late.

The Ol' Dirty JAM witnessed a number of JAM firsts. For the first time in the event's history, two players shared the Most Valuable JAMmer award. George McShane, a traditional Patch who signed a long-term free agent contract with the Blasters during the off-season, seized half of the award with a dominating pitching performance. He had full command of his one pitch (a slow, underhand lob) all afternoon, and the stymied Patches rarely made solid contact all game.

McShane's achievements were particularly impressive for a man who claims not to be able to lift his arm above his shoulder.

"Painkillers, a lot of painkillers," McShane said when asked how he was able to perform at such a high level despite his numerous physical ailments.

McShane is the first pitcher to win the MVJ Award since Sue Smith in the 1996 Grand Slam JAM, and he became the first MVJ ever to not record a hit in the game. McShane was 0-for-3, flying out to left field in the first inning and to center field in each of the fourth and eighth innings.

The MVJ is McShane's second, and his first since the 1997 Phi Beta JAM.

The Blasters' signing of McShane was the coup of the off-season, and the result of a determined recruiting effort by Crowley.

"I dedicated myself fully to infiltrating the untapped gold mine of softball talent in West Yonkers," Crowley said. "It was a hard winter of drinking, playing darts and intentionally losing at Texas Hold-Um to those guys, but in the end it was well worth it."

First-time JAMmer and lawyer's league softball legend Dave Swarthout seized the other half of the MVJ with his crisp play at shortstop and his clutch double in the critical eighth inning. Swarthout then threw down the gauntlet to Patches first baseman and fellow upstate-New York native Tom Dever by claiming that he is the best upstater ever to play in The JAM, that Genesee Cream Ale is the worst beer on the market, and that nobody in the greater upstate region refers to it as "God's Country." Swarthout's rant left Dever uncharacteristically speechless.

The Ol' Dirty JAM also marked the first time that The JAM utilized an umpire, as Kelvin Alexis Cabrera Castellar, easily the most authoritative JAMmer, donned an ump's mask and got behind the plate. Spellman initially questioned K-Cab's credentials, but he quickly reneged.

"I don't know about strikes, but that man knows a ball when he sees one," Spellman said.

Spellman's attempts at levity, however, could not mask his frustration, as he once again embarks upon an off-season in which he must reassess his strategy, find a way to retain his players and attempt to resurrect the Patch franchise. It won't be easy.

PATCHES     100 000 002--3
BLASTERS    102 100 05x--9