Following the most famous of victories, FBSFC booked in at trendy "Donnelly's" for a celebratory glass of bubbly. The idea of using a small portion of our team funds to celebrate was approved and everyone was offered a discounted beverage.

This morning it was learned that the team coffers were emptied in a drunken frenzy that continued for 12 solid hours. The team, now in financial ruin, will have to fold if a new infusion of cash is not found - most sources fear that any new cash generated by the club will just spark another drinking frenzy and not be used to secure the clubs future.

Andrew Corrie was fingered as the leader of the drinking mob and seemed to be loaded within seconds of setting foot into Donnelly's - he soon plateaued and stayed very drunk for a very, very long time.

Brian Warren slept the "sleep of the innocent" on Sunday evening as his teammates were methodically slaughtered by The Bats football club.

Brian's absence was evident on the first shift when The Bats scored two unanswered goals in two minutes -  both goals were due to The Bats easy penetration of the area Brian usually guards with an iron fist - coincidentally at the very moment of the Bats penetration of FBSFC's left flank, Mr Warren was dreaming of a different type of penetration with Lucy Lawless of Zena, Warrior Princess.

During half time FBSFC's defense was in such disarray that Mark Rattray was seen trying to open the door to get out of the rink - only to be hauled back by Ian Richardson - yelling "Twenty more minutes, Mark - I know it's hell - but we can do it!". The rest of the defenders were either faking injury or fighting over the last drop of water at the bench. At the same time Mr. Warren was making his bleary eyed way to the refrigerator and ate the rest of his Arby's Philly.....only to awake in the morning wondering where the rest of his sandwich went.

In a statement released from the vatican, Sloth and Gluttony will remain on the list of Seven Deadly Sins despite a lobbying effort of a group that included FBSFC.

" While I am disappointed, I accept the ruling....let's face it, FBSFC's only chance is to scrap all seven anyway - these guys have no self control at all." Sean Rice conceded. " I really feel for the rest of the group involved in the lobbying effort - especially those girls form "The Facts Of Life" - we really are sorry Tootie!"

Forget "Biggy sizing" or even "Great Biggie sizing" your combo at Wendy's - now you can "FBSFC" size your meal! The FBSFC size meal comes with two double burgers, one FBSFC size fries, and an FBSFC size drink for only $8.99!

"With the trend in North America towards fatter people we decided we had to expand our menu, if you will, and with FBSFC's success over the last few month we feel that they are great role models for larger people. Hey, the bottom line is they are fat AND they are winning - it's just incredible!" Dave Thomas announced at a rare public appearance.

"It's a dream - I just can't believe I've been asked to work for Starbucks - I can see it now, cardboard coffee holders, cappuccino, frappacino, latte....it's just mind boggling!" Jimmy beamed

Jimmy has also been asked to guest star on the hit TV show Friends as....you guessed it: a server at Central Perk, the upscale coffee house featured on the show.

"That's just too cool, that Jennifer Anniston is hot - maybe I can get me some of that..........uuuhhh sorry Don."

In a big upset Jimmy "the bull" has received Tim Horton's biggest monthly honor - Employee of the Month. Jimmy was shocked after the announcement "I was sure Billy Reynolds would have won - he's related to the store manager and works Drive-Thru...I only stack the donuts in the glass case."

"Jimmy is a big asset to Tim Horton's store #104" Manager Eddie Reynolds stated "He always stacks the donuts on the right rack - he had a little problem early on differentiating between Boston Cream and Apple Fritters - but we sorted that out and it's been clear sailing since."

"I'm very honored - I can't believe I get an award AND a brown polyester suit ---- it doesn't get much better than this!" Jimmy

All of the remaining FBSFC team members started a search this week for Jez Fletcher. "He hasn't shown up for four weeks so we fear the worst...basically we are just looking for his remains at this point" FBSFC spokesman Steve Sexton announced.

"Jet Setting" Jez, as he was once called, has been known to disappear for days at a time in the past - but this time we think he's finally met his end

"Jez was last seen bar hopping downtown - so FBSFC have been going bar to bar asking questions, looking under seat cushions, checking toilet stalls - or just hanging around having pints seeing if anything comes up. These guys are really dedicated - I bet they will keep searching these bars every Friday and Saturday night until something is found." added Sexton.

Sean Nejat's goal last week was was a first in many ways: it was Sean's first goal in any organized sport ever, he became the first Iranian to score a goal in Canada and the first defender on FBSFC to score on the OPPOSING net this year.

The Iranian Association of Canada has awarded Mr. Nejat it highest honor "The Tehran Star" and given him gifts including an array of carpets, brassware and incense.

Sean has also just completed deals with Iranian Airways, Kabutshk Carpets and Hertz Camels for sponsorship deals and starts filming commercials in May.

Mr. Nejat has immediately asked that his contract be renegotiated with FBSFC.

John DeSantis, FBSFC's all-time goal scoring leader is in the middle of steroid rumors that are threatening to end his career.

Ian Richardson, FBSFC Fine Master and Vice Chairman, came forward with allegations this week and is pushing to have DeSantis removed from the team and all his goals removed from FBSFC's record book. "I have it from a very good source that Mr. DeSantis has been a steroid user for years - just look at his physique - he's all bloated..and I figure that he doesn't smoke or drink so he must do something other than sip iced tea. I will not rest until all of his accomplishments are removed from the FBSFC record book."

DeSantis has hired Johnny Cochrane as his council and is claiming discrimination "Richardson has something against Italians - maybe it's because we've won more World Cups than England." 

DeSantis also claims that this allegation is just a way for Richardson to get more money for the Pint Fund...if all eight of John's goals are removed from the record book the Pint Fund will gain considerably.

The case will go before the FBSFC Board on Friday...

Mark "Tin Man" Rattray (of no fixed address) was born near Motherwell in Scotland in 1947. His introduction to soccer came through his Auntie May who used to wash all of the local clubs uniforms - Mark has later admitted that he dropped a purple and orange sock into Motherwell F.C.'s white washing - which resulted in the awful colours that the team has kept ever since. At an early age Mark gained local notoriety around Motherwell when he formed the skiffle group "Deep Fry & The Mars Bars". Mark was later kicked out of the band for "interfering" with himself onstage - but made enough money to stowaway on a boat to Canada and follow his dreams.

Mark arrived in Canada in 1967 and became the first Scotsman to claim refugee status. A hearing was immediately called and press coverage was intense. The basis for Mark's claim ended up being dietary in nature - his life span would be shortened greatly if he was sent back to Scotland. After a tearful description of deep fried frozen pizzas and deep fried Mars bars, refugee status was granted. Mark's still famous quote of "No guts - No black pudding" still resonates on the court's steps to this day.

Shortly after, Mark became involved with a group of Scottish thugs with an interest in lager and petty crime. The group would snatch purses or break into homes to fund their lager problem...Mark rose through the ranks and eventually made two changes to the groups policies:

1. Instead of stealing money and valuables to buy lager - they would just steal the lager (cutting out the middle man)

2. The group would be called the "Bay City Rollers" and wear tartan.

Under Mark's leadership the Bay City Rollers enjoyed great success - but one challenge remained------BREWERS RETAIL! Two years of planning and Mark felt the Rollers were ready to hit Brewers Retail's National Distribution Centre and  make the mother of all lager scores.

Dressed in their darkest tartan, the Rollers dropped from the LagerCopter to the Brewers Retail roof - Mark cut a hole in the roof with his St. Andrews Cross and the group was in! Two security guards were disabled by Mark's bagpipe play and the Rollers made it to the vault. By-passing the bags of cash the team cut through the back wall into the warehouse and started rolling out kegs to a waiting lorrie. Everything seemed to be going well until The Rollers second in command, Ian "Superman" McLaughlin tripped the alarm with his cape - Mark sacrificed himself by allowing the rest of the Rollers to escape as he held up the police with his bagpipe playing - he then sat down, had a pint of lager and waited to be arrested.

Mark and his team of lawyers made many strange requests of the court prior to trial - Mark refused to swear his oath on the Bible - instead he requested a copy of "The Life & Times of Sean Connery" - and if he couldn't have lager he demanded a can of Iron Brew - his defense team had to wear Rangers jerseys and the prosecution Celtic jerseys (the judge would wear a Motherwell jersey). Instead of a gavel the judge had to use a thistle and the movie Braveheart had to be shown during breaks. All request were denied and Mark was sentenced to 8 years.

Mark is currently playing with FBSFC as part of his community service and also works for a bank (he is not allowed to drink lager - but can drink ale or stout.)

Clendenning Lives (The 100 Year War Continues)!!

Don Clendenning has survived his latest brush with death - and continues to defy the experts.

"He shouldn't be breathing - he should be decomposing" Dr. Emile Fernandez revealed in a press release.

The Clendenning "Death Watch"

FBSFC's aging star Don Clendenning in a coma following a finger injury in Sundays 5-2 loss to the E.T. Stingers. The story is quite sketchy at the moment on how a finger injury could result in a coma - - -but here is what we know:

Don broke his finger early in the second half of Sundays game - apparently he pinched it between the boards and his dentures (which were stored in a secret compartment inside his false hip) while trying to get the ball. Don hobbled to the bench and asked for a "replacement". His teammates just looked at each other - but Don's daughter started rooting through her purse - to everyone's amazement she found two toes - but no replacement finger - Don had to leave the game.

Apparently Mr. Clendenning has had extensive surgery over the last forty years (including four artificial limbs, and some extra "plumbing" added)  - although he has kept the extent of his "changes" secret from most - a few close friends have been told. "Yes, I knew about it..Don's favorite trick was going into a bar and drinking for the whole night - he would then disassemble himself in the bathroom and make me carry him out in an Adidas bag." Chairman Sean Rice admitted.

It is believed that Don could not drive himself home following the injury - so he fashioned a crude "scooter" out of his body parts and a skateboard and had Jimmy ride him to the Emergency Ward. A second injury occurred as Jimmy insisted on stopping at Tim Horton's on the way - and Don got rear-ended by a Semi.

more to follow as this story develops......

and then be sold for a sack of potatoes.'

Ian Richardson blamed "certain factions within FBSFC" for starting the scandal that cost him the post as England's latest manager.

"The hiring of Sven Goran Eriksson is a direct result of the ugly rumors and innuendo sprouted by some camps within FBSFC....their own agenda has cost me my dream job and I won't forget it." Richardson claimed.

Richardson claimed that the English FA contacted him in a downtown Mens room where an "intimate meeting took place in a stall". Richardson was looking forward to a second meeting in an uptown bathhouse and figured he had "shown well" during the first interview and was looking forward to the second.

The English FA have denied "approaching" Mr. Richardson and claimed they had "no idea who he was".

Mr. Richardson is currently under investigation for game fixing to support his "lifestyle".

*********** Reuter's newsflash***********  Subject:
Acting captain Mr Ian Richardson was at the centre of more controversy. It has been leaked to the Toronto Star,and other news service's  The following story.

"BAT'S chairman reported to have payed wannabee #7 an undisclosed amount of money to score an OG."

At press time neither the chairman or the staff of FBSFC could be reached for comment. The star will however be following up with this story.  Goal keeper Ron Nolet was reached but declined to comment.  Late last night former captain and current "skipper" was reached by phone.  Mr Mark Rattray gave these comments on the story.
He did mention" that some feuding had been ongoing but was in good faith  over the number 7."
He said'The lad's were deeply disappointed by the result but look forward,  to our next game,we can't dwell on what has happened."
"For example look earlier in the day Motherwell tied Celtic it kind of inspired us to go out and beat the league leader's."  Soccercity has reportedly started it's own investigation into the matter.  When the referee was questioned about how he saw it.  "It was if someone gave him a signal(wannabee #7 Mr Richardson),I didn't hear a
thing."
"I actually couldn't believe my eye's FBSFC were one up at the time and in control of the game."
"But give them credit they battled thru it and erased the goal disadvantage playing
short handed for a good part of the game."  With characters like Steve "Collymore" Sexton","Gravity defying" Desantis
and other experienced player's like former Canadian keeper Don Clendenning, it seem's bad luck or a payoff may have been in the card's.
The BAT'S looked tired after the encounter and are dreading the next time they play
FBSFC.
BAT's chairman Peter Kenyon(also of Man Utd) did look on from the upstairs lounge patron's heard him several time's swear at the only Man Utd supporter on the field. It is public knowledge that Mr Richardson has been a long time admirer of Mr  Kenyon,. and has been know to spend several hundred quid in duty just obtaining Man Utd gear.
Mr Richardson has scored on his own net in the past most recently at the "Kick's for Cancer"tournament.However the goal this time coming during a 7-1 drubbing at the hand's of Hurley Celtic.
Was it just practice for last night's game?  FBSFC are having an emergency board meeting friday at the Irish centre. > > It is obviously a topic that will be given a great deal of attention. Will Football be harmed by another scandal? Its believed Mr Richardson will make comment later in the week but was currently seen watching Man utd vs Southampton last night.  Until then he wonder's his fate.

> > Source:
James Lawton
James column can be seen every sunday in the sport's section.

A couple of article highlights:

Remember Ian "Superman" McLaughlin? He's out of commission this year - but he may be back after a year of working on his coordination (trouble walking).

Wins:     0        Losses:     10    Goals for:    5         Goals Against:    67    (I think we did worse the second season).

So ...to end up winning 6-2 and already have tied our season goal output record...you just have to wipe a tear away!

VIVA FBSFC...VIVA