FBSFC Chairman
Signs lucrative endorsement package
February 5, 2001
As reported here first last week, FBSFCs Chairman Sean Rice has signed a record breaking endorsement contract to become the new spokesperson for Weight Loss Centre Jenny Craig.
Speaking from its head office in Fattasz Poland, the renowned centre for weight loss confirmed that it had indeed signed the former "Fat boy" to a multi year contract that would immediately benefit his club with the financial windfall in the neighborhood of "a few dollars".
In a strange twist of irony prior to addressing the media, Mr. Rice had trouble gaining access to the centre, as security personnel could not fathom that the individual standing before them was the hefty Chairman they had met five weeks earlier, as he then tipped the scale at an astonishing 214 pounds!
Speaking at the press conference Mr. Rice spoke emphatically about the miracle cure that saved him from succumbing to his life long desire to become a "shut-in". "It brings a tear to my eye when I comprehend the fact that I was just "baby steps" away from having a wall removed from my bedroom so they paramedics could carry me off".
Mr. Rice took a deep breath and continued. "The miracle diet of protein, protein and more protein has saved myself and my family. I cannot heap enough praise on a diet that has allowed me to consume as much cholesterol as I can without any regard for my health". The Chairman then proceeded to lead a group to McDonaldss for a meal "that was meant to be eaten with at least 50 grams of fat!"
A Vegetarian/Anti meat group was angrily protesting the Chairmans "ignorant stance towards all health issues", but the anemic "tofu people" were beaten senseless by Rices "meat hench men" and chased off when they wandered too close to the Chairman, who mistook them for Chicken McNuggets.
While the Chairman now hovers at 200 lbs., his ultimate goal will be to put it all back on in record time. Attempting to draw a reference to indeed how heavy the Chairman still is, C.H.O.W (the "Centre for Heavy Overweight aWareness"), compiled a list of "Things that weigh as much as Sean Rice" list:
PINT FUND VERY, VERY EMPTY
Following the most famous of victories, FBSFC booked in at trendy "Donnelly's" for a celebratory glass of bubbly. The idea of using a small portion of our team funds to celebrate was approved and everyone was offered a discounted beverage. This morning it was learned that the team coffers were emptied in a drunken frenzy that continued for 12 solid hours. The team, now in financial ruin, will have to fold if a new infusion of cash is not found - most sources fear that any new cash generated by the club will just spark another drinking frenzy and not be used to secure the clubs future. Andrew Corrie was fingered as the leader of the drinking mob and seemed to be loaded within seconds of setting foot into Donnelly's - he soon plateaued and stayed very drunk for a very, very long time. I am too hung over to think straight and I cannot continue this article....... Sean.
Brian Warren Sleeps Soundly Whilst Teammates Get Slaughtered
Brian Warren slept the "sleep of the innocent" on Sunday evening as his teammates were methodically slaughtered by The Bats football club. Brian's absence was evident on the first shift when The Bats scored two unanswered goals in two minutes - both goals were due to The Bats easy penetration of the area Brian usually guards with an iron fist - coincidentally at the very moment of the Bats penetration of FBSFC's left flank, Mr Warren was dreaming of a different type of penetration with Lucy Lawless of Zena, Warrior Princess. During half time FBSFC's defense was in such disarray that Mark Rattray was seen trying to open the door to get out of the rink - only to be hauled back by Ian Richardson - yelling "Twenty more minutes, Mark - I know it's hell - but we can do it!". The rest of the defenders were either faking injury or fighting over the last drop of water at the bench. At the same time Mr. Warren was making his bleary eyed way to the refrigerator and ate the rest of his Arby's Philly.....only to awake in the morning wondering where the rest of his sandwich went.FBSFC Fail In Bid To Remove Sloth, Gluttony From List Of "Seven Deadly Sins"
In a statement released from the vatican, Sloth and Gluttony will remain on the list of Seven Deadly Sins despite a lobbying effort of a group that included FBSFC. " While I am disappointed, I accept the ruling....let's face it, FBSFC's only chance is to scrap all seven anyway - these guys have no self control at all." Sean Rice conceded. " I really feel for the rest of the group involved in the lobbying effort - especially those girls form "The Facts Of Life" - we really are sorry Tootie!""FBSFC Size" Now Available At Wendy's
Forget "Biggy sizing" or even "Great Biggie sizing" your combo at Wendy's - now you can "FBSFC" size your meal! The FBSFC size meal comes with two double burgers, one FBSFC size fries, and an FBSFC size drink for only $8.99! "With the trend in North America towards fatter people we decided we had to expand our menu, if you will, and with FBSFC's success over the last few month we feel that they are great role models for larger people. Hey, the bottom line is they are fat AND they are winning - it's just incredible!" Dave Thomas announced at a rare public appearance.Jimmy's Seven Goal Outburst Leads To Starbucks, Friends
After an incredible display of finishing and "being in the right place at the right time" Jimmy has been offered a position at the "Holy Grail" of coffee houses...Starbucks!
"It's a dream - I just can't believe I've been asked to work for Starbucks - I can see it now, cardboard coffee holders, cappuccino, frappacino, latte....it's just mind boggling!" Jimmy beamed Jimmy has also been asked to guest star on the hit TV show Friends as....you guessed it: a server at Central Perk, the upscale coffee house featured on the show. "That's just too cool, that Jennifer Anniston is hot - maybe I can get me some of that..........uuuhhh sorry Don."Jimmy "The Bull" named Tim Horton's Employee Of The Month
In a big upset Jimmy "the bull" has received Tim Horton's biggest monthly honor - Employee of the Month. Jimmy was shocked after the announcement "I was sure Billy Reynolds would have won - he's related to the store manager and works Drive-Thru...I only stack the donuts in the glass case." "Jimmy is a big asset to Tim Horton's store #104" Manager Eddie Reynolds stated "He always stacks the donuts on the right rack - he had a little problem early on differentiating between Boston Cream and Apple Fritters - but we sorted that out and it's been clear sailing since." "I'm very honored - I can't believe I get an award AND a brown polyester suit ---- it doesn't get much better than this!" JimmyJez Fletcher Missing - Feared Dead
All of the remaining FBSFC team members started a search this week for Jez Fletcher. "He hasn't shown up for four weeks so we fear the worst...basically we are just looking for his remains at this point" FBSFC spokesman Steve Sexton announced. "Jet Setting" Jez, as he was once called, has been known to disappear for days at a time in the past - but this time we think he's finally met his end"
Jez was last seen bar hopping downtown - so FBSFC have been going bar to bar asking questions, looking under seat cushions, checking toilet stalls - or just hanging around having pints seeing if anything comes up. These guys are really dedicated - I bet they will keep searching these bars every Friday and Saturday night until something is found." added Sexton.Nejat Goal Sparks Iranian Celebration
Sean Nejat's goal last week was was a first in many ways: it was Sean's first goal in any organized sport ever, he became the first Iranian to score a goal in Canada and the first defender on FBSFC to score on the OPPOSING net this year. The Iranian Association of Canada has awarded Mr. Nejat it highest honor "The Tehran Star" and given him gifts including an array of carpets, brassware and incense. Sean has also just completed deals with Iranian Airways, Kabutshk Carpets and Hertz Camels for sponsorship deals and starts filming commercials in May. Mr. Nejat has immediately asked that his contract be renegotiated with FBSFC."Goal Machine" DeSantis In Steroid Row
John DeSantis, FBSFC's all-time goal scoring leader is in the middle of steroid rumors that are threatening to end his career. Ian Richardson, FBSFC Fine Master and Vice Chairman, came forward with allegations this week and is pushing to have DeSantis removed from the team and all his goals removed from FBSFC's record book. "I have it from a very good source that Mr. DeSantis has been a steroid user for years - just look at his physique - he's all bloated..and I figure that he doesn't smoke or drink so he must do something other than sip iced tea. I will not rest until all of his accomplishments are removed from the FBSFC record book." DeSantis has hired Johnny Cochrane as his council and is claiming discrimination "Richardson has something against Italians - maybe it's because we've won more World Cups than England." DeSantis also claims that this allegation is just a way for Richardson to get more money for the Pint Fund...if all eight of John's goals are removed from the record book the Pint Fund will gain considerably. The case will go before the FBSFC Board on Friday...Profile: Mark Rattray - "Tin Man" Revealed
Mark "Tin Man" Rattray (of no fixed address) was born near Motherwell in Scotland in 1947. His introduction to soccer came through his Auntie May who used to wash all of the local clubs uniforms - Mark has later admitted that he dropped a purple and orange sock into Motherwell F.C.'s white washing - which resulted in the awful colours that the team has kept ever since. At an early age Mark gained local notoriety around Motherwell when he formed the skiffle group "Deep Fry & The Mars Bars". Mark was later kicked out of the band for "interfering" with himself onstage - but made enough money to stowaway on a boat to Canada and follow his dreams. Mark arrived in Canada in 1967 and became the first Scotsman to claim refugee status. A hearing was immediately called and press coverage was intense. The basis for Mark's claim ended up being dietary in nature - his life span would be shortened greatly if he was sent back to Scotland. After a tearful description of deep fried frozen pizzas and deep fried Mars bars, refugee status was granted. Mark's still famous quote of "No guts - No black pudding" still resonates on the court's steps to this day. Shortly after, Mark became involved with a group of Scottish thugs with an interest in lager and petty crime. The group would snatch purses or break into homes to fund their lager problem...Mark rose through the ranks and eventually made two changes to the groups policies: 1. Instead of stealing money and valuables to buy lager - they would just steal the lager (cutting out the middle man) 2. The group would be called the "Bay City Rollers" and wear tartan. Under Mark's leadership the Bay City Rollers enjoyed great success - but one challenge remained------BREWERS RETAIL! Two years of planning and Mark felt the Rollers were ready to hit Brewers Retail's National Distribution Centre and make the mother of all lager scores. Dressed in their darkest tartan, the Rollers dropped from the LagerCopter to the Brewers Retail roof - Mark cut a hole in the roof with his St. Andrews Cross and the group was in! Two security guards were disabled by Mark's bagpipe play and the Rollers made it to the vault. By-passing the bags of cash the team cut through the back wall into the warehouse and started rolling out kegs to a waiting lorrie. Everything seemed to be going well until The Rollers second in command, Ian "Superman" McLaughlin tripped the alarm with his cape - Mark sacrificed himself by allowing the rest of the Rollers to escape as he held up the police with his bagpipe playing - he then sat down, had a pint of lager and waited to be arrested. Mark and his team of lawyers made many strange requests of the court prior to trial - Mark refused to swear his oath on the Bible - instead he requested a copy of "The Life & Times of Sean Connery" - and if he couldn't have lager he demanded a can of Iron Brew - his defense team had to wear Rangers jerseys and the prosecution Celtic jerseys (the judge would wear a Motherwell jersey). Instead of a gavel the judge had to use a thistle and the movie Braveheart had to be shown during breaks. All request were denied and Mark was sentenced to 8 years. Mark is currently playing with FBSFC as part of his community service and also works for a bank (he is not allowed to drink lager - but can drink ale or stout.)SPECIAL REPORT:
Clendenning Lives (The 100 Year War Continues)!! Don Clendenning has survived his latest brush with death - and continues to defy the experts. "He shouldn't be breathing - he should be decomposing" Dr. Emile Fernandez revealed in a press release. The Clendenning "Death Watch" FBSFC's aging star Don Clendenning in a coma following a finger injury in Sundays 5-2 loss to the E.T. Stingers. The story is quite sketchy at the moment on how a finger injury could result in a coma - - -but here is what we know: Don broke his finger early in the second half of Sundays game - apparently he pinched it between the boards and his dentures (which were stored in a secret compartment inside his false hip) while trying to get the ball. Don hobbled to the bench and asked for a "replacement". His teammates just looked at each other - but Don's daughter started rooting through her purse - to everyone's amazement she found two toes - but no replacement finger - Don had to leave the game. Apparently Mr. Clendenning has had extensive surgery over the last forty years (including four artificial limbs, and some extra "plumbing" added) - although he has kept the extent of his "changes" secret from most - a few close friends have been told. "Yes, I knew about it..Don's favorite trick was going into a bar and drinking for the whole night - he would then disassemble himself in the bathroom and make me carry him out in an Adidas bag." Chairman Sean Rice admitted. It is believed that Don could not drive himself home following the injury - so he fashioned a crude "scooter" out of his body parts and a skateboard and had Jimmy ride him to the Emergency Ward. A second injury occurred as Jimmy insisted on stopping at Tim Horton's on the way - and Don got rear-ended by a Semi. more to follow as this story develops......FBSFC defensive duo keen to stay, despite rampant rumors in the media.
Current FBSFC ace defender, and former skipper Steve Sexton says he wants to finish his career at Soccer City with the club he joined as a youngster - and fellow defensive partner Sir Ian B Richardson also believes his long-term future lies with future Division 7 champions. The duos future has been in doubt after a series of blunders and general defensive ineptitude within the last few weeks. Club Chairman Rice refused to discuss the future of either player, leading many to believe they were to be off loaded during the current campaign.
Sexton has struggled to break into the first team this season as Chairman Sean Rice believes a rotational system is better suited for his club. Newbie Brian Warren, an off season requisition from the footballing netherworld has turned in a solid mid-season performance, maintaining he was only signed to aid the consumption of ale and lager.
But Sexton said: 'If FBSFC want me to stay here for the rest of my career, I'm prepared to commit myself for the rest of my career.
'I would like to go to Spain, but only if Fat Boy Slim FC don't want me. I wouldn't leave the Club for any other team.'
And Richardson, who has established himself as a massive FBSFC favourite since arriving from nowhere, added: 'Going abroad is not a burning ambition. I'm very happy in Etobicoke and I'd like to stay at the club for the rest of my career if I can. Even if it means warming the bench and changing the nappies of the Chairmans newborn.
'But in football you never know - you could sign a new contract tomorrow for so many years
and then be sold for a sack of potatoes.'
Richardson Fumes As England Hire Foreign Manager
Ian Richardson blamed "certain factions within FBSFC" for starting the scandal that cost him the post as England's latest manager. "The hiring of Sven Goran Eriksson is a direct result of the ugly rumors and innuendo sprouted by some camps within FBSFC....their own agenda has cost me my dream job and I won't forget it." Richardson claimed. Richardson claimed that the English FA contacted him in a downtown Mens room where an "intimate meeting took place in a stall". Richardson was looking forward to a second meeting in an uptown bathhouse and figured he had "shown well" during the first interview and was looking forward to the second. The English FA have denied "approaching" Mr. Richardson and claimed they had "no idea who he was". Mr. Richardson is currently under investigation for game fixing to support his "lifestyle".Scandal Rocks FBSFC - Ex-Captain takes Cash for "Own Goal" (or did he?)!!!
*********** Reuter's newsflash*********** Subject:
A Tearful Chairman Reflect on FBSFC Past and Present
It's been a long time in coming...a victory at last. Let's look back at FBSFC's history, it's been a long road.......Game 1 in October 1999 ended in a score of 10-1 to Direct Protect..here is an except form the game summary:
"In a hard fought
game FBSFC claimed a "moral" victory over Direct Protect by not allowing the
back breaking
eleventh goal. "Eleven would have been embarrassing" quipped Stu Graham as he
tried for the third time to get
over the boards to shake hands with the "losers"."
Remember Stu Graham? He has three FBSFC caps to his credit - but had to retire under doctors orders (too fat).
The highlight of our first season (other than the skin tight uniforms) was the 2-1 loss to Architez Athletic (I'm sure they used the term "athletic" loosely)...here's a quote form that game summary:
"FBSFC lost 2-1 last
night in a "titanic"struggle between two well oiled soccer machines. The
highlights included
Kieron Hoare's second half strike and subsequent "superman" celebration, and our
first three penalties of the
season. "Watching this game was a treat" one fan claimed, "now I know why
they call it "The Beautiful Game""another
praised. "
The lowlight of season #1 was Sean Rice's leg break (I was tripped) on December 30 1999 - Sean missed all of season two with the injury but has since returned and is an inspiration to all of FBSFCs fans.
Here are a couple of excerpts from our articles section of that year:
Vivisectionist May
Combine Ron and Roy to Create "Ultimate Soccer Machine":
Dr. Vincent Delgado has offered to combine the best attributes of Ron Nolet
and Roy (Bebeto) Rodrigues to create
a soccer force so powerful it may change the game forever. The idea occurred when both
players went down with
knee injuries - and lucky for us they injured opposite legs. This opened the door for the
breakthrough surgery. "At
first I was just going to switch legs - but then after a few pops I came up with this
"Ultimate Soccer Machine" idea"
stated Dr. Delgado.
Remember Roy "Bebeto" Rodrigues? He blew his knee out and has never even jogged since (too fat)
Rice's Leg
Featured In This Month's "New England Journal of Medicine"
The remnants of Sean Rice's leg were displayed in a prominent medical
journal following his "accident" of 12 days
ago. "It's fucking destroyed" explained Dr. J. Crosier of M.I.T. 's Orthopedic
Department. "It's like his leg was run over by a train - and then beat with a sledge
hammer".
"When he dies I hope he donates the leg to science- I would use it for research or as
a base for an end table." he
added.
Tight Shirts Lead
to "Nipple Chaffing"
Fourteen out of the fifteen FBSFC players have reported an incidence of
"nipple chaffing" after playing games in
their tight soccer uniforms. The jury is still out as to what is to blame: tight shirts or
overweight players.
The season ended with a 4-0 loss to Architez - our stats for season #1:
Wins: 0 Losses: 10 Goals for: 7 Goals Against: 49
Season two didn't change much, Rice took over behind the bench and our jerseys looked tighter than ever. A few newbie's joined the squad - but the results stayed the same..here are a couple of highlights:
The main highlight of the year was a 1-0 loss:
Mike Johnston
handled the ball for the second straight game (this time he didn't get called). He did
play a strong game winning most of his arguments with the opposition. Don Clendenning
showed his incredible healing powers by pulling a groin muscle and playing after a five
minute rest.
It was the best game by far this year and hopefully the trend will continue leading to a
win someday!!!
The lowlight was our destruction by the "guys with turbans": 12-0
It would have been
tough to catch up to this team - we didn't even have 12 shots (I counted three) so I
begrudgingly will admit their superiority - although we stayed at the pub much longer than
they did - the pussys.
Lowlights included Ian Richardson who "fanned" on a clear shot at goal missing
the ball completely. He generated a substantial wind gust as his leg flew by the ball. He
later blamed it on the ball being "too round".
A couple of article highlights:
FBSFC Will Try
"Kicking" The Ball Next Time.
After 19 games FBSFC has decided to try "kicking" the soccer ball next
game.
"The idea started forming in my head at around game thirteen, but I thought maybe we
should take thinks slow and not try anything "radical" at that point in the
season. But with next week's game being the last - I thought what the hell: let's try
"kicking" the soccer ball" explained coach Sean Rice.
"I then brought the whole concept to the players, and in a close vote the team
decided that we should try this new "strategy". After a few tries they seemed to
get the hang of it. It was difficult at first with the bending and motion and all - but I
think they will be OK. I then sent the players home and told them to decide which leg they
may want to favor when "kicking".
Ian McLaughlin's New
"Exoskeleton" To Be Unveiled Next Week
Ian Mclaughlin's new "exoskeleton" will be unveiled at next weeks FBSFC
soccer game. The "exoskeleton" is a titanium based skeletal body that will be
attached to his current limbs giving vastly increased dexterity and range of motion.
"I am am very excited. This is a pet project that I have been working on for almost
10 years" McLaughlin revealed. "With the titanium additive I will be able to
jump over ten feet high and run at nearly 60 miles an hour."
Remember Ian "Superman" McLaughlin? He's out of commission this year - but he may be back after a year of working on his coordination (trouble walking).
Here's how the season ended up:
Wins: 0 Losses: 10 Goals for: 5 Goals Against: 67 (I think we did worse the second season).
So ...to end up winning 6-2 and already have tied our season goal output record...you just have to wipe a tear away!
VIVA FBSFC...VIVA
Nelson Mandela Salutes FBSFC
Nelson Mandela has called for an "International Day of Peace" following FBSFC incredible victory yesterday. The call to peace was warmly received by the worlds leaders as the Middle East had it's quietest day in hundreds of years.
"What FBSFC has accomplished will go down in history as the turning point in world relations and stands as an example of what can be accomplished through hard work and determination" Mandela praised.
"This rivals Man's landing on the Moon....it's just incredible" he added.
-reuters