FBSFC 2nd Annual Awards Gala Piss-Up A Success

This years Piss-Up was just exceptional. The Pint Fund was at an all time high with an incredible $520.00 (before tips) being spent on pitchers of beer.

The evening started with cocktails at 6pm and dinner at 7pm. Donnelly's went out of it's way to lay out a  wide selection of deep fried foods carefully prepared by the dwarf "Pat" (not sure of it's sex). Mango Richardson has a little trouble sticking with his "veggie" lifestyle (seen picking deep fried bacon out of his salad and pepperonis off the frozen McCain mini pizzas). Director of Catering Mark Rattray kept mumbling "jus' like 'ome" between every mouthful - one thing about Scottish cuisine is that it makes you thirsty...

Awards kicked off at 8:00 PM and it really was fantastic - here are a few highlights:

Sean Rice: Awarded with a spare fuse - as he keeps blowing them on the pitch

Mark Rattray: Awarded a tiny "trouble" light - used to locate all of this injuries (in all the nooks and crannies)

"Mango" Richardson: Awarded a Scottish Thong - used for his special "performances"

Andrew Corry - Awarded a framed picture of himself (blank with caption "image not available) - ironically he did not show up to claim his award.

Don Clendenning - Awarded a "denture holder" for use on the pitch (clips to his belt).

Dave Lowe - Awarded a FIFA Ashtray (ashtray hangs around his neck during play)

Barney Hill - Awarded a siphon pump (to steal gas to make to games from Guelph).

Kevin Bracken - Awarded a "Texas Fly Swatter" - used to keep teammates in line during a game.

There was many more.....

After the Awards - the serious drinking began with pitcher after pitcher flowing to the table..Mark's accent started sliding into  "Scots Gaelic" or as we know it - "Drunken English"..

At 1:30 am the remaining members of the team (6 left at this point) got up for a rousing version of "You'll Never Walk Alone" - with ManU supporter Ian Richardson leading the choir. Then the cops came in to break up a fight at the other end of the bar - so we stumbled home  - a wonderful evening.

 

Nejat's Father/Agent Plays Hardball Over New Contract

FBSFC Superstar Sean Nejat's father and agent is pushing hard for a lucrative extension to his son's contract. "Look, we have a struggling organization here that really has only one star player. My son puts butts in the seats and puts the ball in the net so we have every reason to believe that FBSFC's Board of Directors will buckle to our demands." Mr. Newman Nejat stated.

Newman Nejat -"hardball"

"Look, I don't know what this flake is telling you but Nejat will have to sit out the entire summer if he does not sign the original extension offered by FBSFC's Board - we won't be bullied - I don't care if Sean's agent is his Father."announced Club Financier Ian Richardson.

Newman Nejat also stated that if an appropriate contract is not signed he will hold out for a trade - and to make things more difficult for FBSFC, demand to be traded ONLY to Global One. "Global One has always been a team I'd like to play for - with their Iranian roots and great play, I think I would fit in perfectly" Sean Nejat added.

"Look - I have no problem trading Nejat if the contract does not get done - but I won't be told who I have to do business with. I had a quick discussion with Global One and they are only offering that big goofy defender that argued with DeSantis - I want more for Nejat. He may only have one career goal for us - but the way he defends his teammates on the pitch - it's priceless. It's hard to find a player with a soft touch on the ball and a mean streak when it comes to nailing the opposition. His cries from the bench really motivate and inspire the team - who can forget the famous "Gooooo Johhhnnnnnyyyy Goooooo" rallying cry from just a couple of games ago. He's Magic. " Chairman Sean Rice explained.

Negotiations are continuing...........

 

Don Clendenning's Testimonial Game This Sunday

Don Clendenning - the original "slim" in Fat Bhoys Slim will be honoured with the first Testimonial match in team history.

Most of Don's history with FBSFC is shrouded in a mixture of mystery and myth - there are at least three versions on this web site alone (most of the original documentation was destroyed during the fire of '49 - the rest met it's end after Don faked his death for the insurance money in '63)...this is the closest we have to the truth:

Don became a legal ward of FBSFC in 1939 - picked out of an orphanage at a young age after he was caught stealing soccer balls from old Mr. Richardson's sporting goods store. After years on the school boy team Don made his debut during the 1950 season with the senior squad. It was short lived success as Don was dropped midway through the first half and did not fight his way back to the full senior team until 1999. After 49 years of reserve play in the minor leagues Don finally had his big chance and took full advantage leading the team to a 0 wins and 10 losses  that season.

Don's 40 international caps for FBSFC (second only to "tin man" Skipper Mark Rattray) are spread across five decades of dedicated play.

Please join us for Don Clendenning's Testimonial Game - Sunday April 29 at 6:10 pm.

Richardson pledges future to FBSFC

Fat Bhoy Slim Defender Ian B. Richardson is set to pledge his future to Soccer City's last place team with a $70 five year contract estimated what he will pay in fines for own goals over the next 5 years).

The 29-year-old has been in talks at Chairman Sean Rice's Wellness Spa for weeks and is believed to have finally agreed to the deal, which will see part of his salary go to the troubled Club. This will also include a selection of merchandise tie-ins (Balls to appear with his face on it..)

The full details of the deal are due to be announced at the end of the season, and prior to the annual piss up awards banquet. Negotiations with Richardson have progressed smoothly and the English wannabee has never expressed any wish to leave the Club, despite several coup attempts by disgruntled Board members..

His decision to stay at FBSFC will disappoint a number of foreign sides including the club he supported as a boy, Global One who were reportedly keen on signing him last summer. The Canadian international follows in the footsteps of Mark Rattray, Brian Warren and Don Clendenning who have all already agreed new contracts with the Fat Bhoys. Steve Sexton's future is still in doubt after refusing a one year contract with the club.

FBSFC are working their way through their high-profile players to persuade them to commit their long-term futures to the club, including new recruits Dave Lowe and Zaim Jasaraj, who were both rumoured to be ontheir way out after a dismal season.

FBSFC Hack Soccer Team or Cult?

Fabled Sunday soccer team Fat Bhoy Slim’s Board of directors have been left reeling from allegations that they are actually a cult and not just a collection of fat smokers who enjoy a weekly kick about.

A former team member who requested his identity be protected made the charge. His name is Ron Nolet. "Look at those guys…they’re friggin huge. Do you really think they’re footballers?"

The chairman of the club, Sean (Rev. Moon) Rice addressed the allegations at a recent press conference. "I find these charges to be ludicrous. There is absolutely no basis in fact for them. Look at the comparisons; cults are always comprised of ugly losers that can’t find a place to fit in, in society…and cult leaders are usually pallid and fat…totally unattractive"

One of the reporters at the press conference then produced a team photo and a mirror, which was held up to the chairman. Rev. Rice, obviously shaken, called an abrupt halt to the interview and tried to light the room on fire before being subdued.

The team keeps it’s members impoverished by applying ridiculous fines…the players get fined for losing…and they never win. It’s obviously a cult control technique. They try to divide the players from their families by keeping them out late after games and on Fridays. When reached for comment Brian Warren’s wife, Michaela replied "Who? Oh yeah, he’s not around much…he’s not coming back today is he?!?!?"

While it can’t be proven, there is suspicion that the team is also using sleep deprivation techniques on some of it’s members. Player Steve Sexton looks like he hasn’t slept in months…he’s aged 15 years since November.

Ian ‘Mango’ Richardson, the teams financial officer, is currently being investigated by Revenue Canada for tax evasion.

Skipper Mark Rattray was approached for comment but nobody could understand what he was saying.

       

 

FBSFC ANNOUNCEMENT - by Skipper Mark Rattray

• Fan's have also been asked to refrain from using flares at the next game commenting on Soccercity's website.The owners aknowledged our passionate fan's but reminded everyone that the game is played indoor's and therefore smoke doesn't clear easily.

Ian "Mango" Richardson called a "bitch slap" administered by Brain Warren "inappropriate". "There is a time and a place for everything and this was just  not an appropriate situation to be administering "bitch slaps" explained Mr. Richardson.

One dissenting voice on the team was Hal Huff who claimed that "extensive use of bitch slaps will gradually, over time, minimize their effectiveness and that careful thought must be used when deciding that a bitch slap is warranted." However, Huff also went on to say that he admired Warren's "technique" during delivery.

Soccer City officials have warned FBSFC for the third time about excessive "Plumber's Butt" on the pitch.

"We try to run a clean show here at Soccer City..but it's tough to sell this as a family sport when you have 15 guys out there with their butt cracks showing every time they bend over. I mean when Sean was goalie that game I nearly threw up." Chris Seward of Soccer City explained.

Mark Rattray, team skipper, defended FBSFC's "free range butt crack policy" claiming that wearing suspenders was "uncomfortable" and that butt crack exposure lowered his players core temperature by 5 degrees -drastically minimizing heart attack or stroke probability. Mark calls it a "health issue".

Barney Hill admitted that he fully endorses FBSFC's "free range butt crack policy"noting that "tackles from behind are now virtually nonexistent" and that the smell on the bench keeps him "alert" during the course of a game.

John DeSantis, the originator of the policy, claims that the idea just evolved over time. "It wasn't something that just happened overnight..it gradually evolved - and I must admit that at first I was a little embarrassed. But now it's just part of my "look".

Ian Richardson is still upset that the team drew the line at wearing thongs.

19. You show your friends that you're not the shortest one on the team

by standing on everyone's toes.\

FBSFC Summer Update

FBSFC is now registered for the Summer Outdoor Soccer League at Soccer City. The league starts the last week of May and the majority of the games will be played on Sundays (the odd Saturday game).

Cost is $100.00 per player and this includes 14 league games + playoffs and we have guaranteed "league Cup Competition" games (knock out tournament)- all player and team registration is included.

The team cost is over $1800.00 - so we need commitment of a minimum 20 FULL TIME players (rest of cash goes to pint fund).

If you do not want to play (or pay) for the full season we will replace you with a full time player from outside and let you play if we are short players only.

We would like to carry 20 to 22 players because players will be missing all summer due to holidays, etc (injury?)..and games are full 90 minutes so we need lots of subs.

Please email Sean if you are interested....

Warren's Comedy Relief Breaks Ice - Again

Brian Warren  broke the ice for the fifteenth time this season with a hilarious pratt fall off the top of the FBSFC bench during Sunday's game.

"Barbarians had just scored and I was kind of feeling down and lets just say things weren't all that friendly at that moment with us and the other team. Then Brian "fell" off the bench and it just instantly broke the ice - we were all laughing - and I felt a lot better inside." defender Sean Nejat admitted.

"The ref was really bugging me - but after we had a laugh at Brian we were patting each other on the back - it really broke the ice.....when the ref joked about calling us for "too many men" I just about pissed myself"   Ian "Mango" Richardson admitted.

"I still remember him throwing his body around in last year's semifinal just to ease the tension....he's a real team player - and will sacrifice his body to give us that extra little edge." added Steve Sexton

"If the team got down by more than two goals I was going to take my pants off and run around the pitch - that would have really knocked them off their game and may have given us the inspiration we needed..I'll save that one for next week."Warren explained.

"That's just good comedy" added a Barbarians player......

Eight Injured In Fourteen Hour Soccer City Stand-off

FBSFC star Kevin Bracken has been identified as the lone gunman in a hostage taking incident at Soccer City last night. Mr. Bracken returned to the scene of his team's 11-1 slaughtering on Sunday  with rifle in hand yelling "YOU BASTARDS - DON'T YOU DARE LAUGH AT US!!!"

"That bastard Bracken came in and started shooting ...he was high on something..he just kept yelling something about people from his own team laughing at a poor result and that we would all pay...pay with our lives" offered Chris Seward of Soccer City.

The tense standoff came to an end after fourteen hours of negotiations....a SWAT team rushed dressing room #4 during the twelfth beer and taco demand was being delivered. The eight injuries occurred when the drunken assailant fell over and crush the legs of several SWAT team members.

Mango Mania @ FBSFC

FBSFC defender Ian "Mango" Richardson displayed his "talents" after Sunday's game...Ian has been looking for an opportunity to come clean with his alter ego....."MANGO".

When questioned about his alter ego a mini-skirt clad Richardson answered:

Who is Mango?:"Mango is like a drug. You must have more and more and more of the Mango until there is no Mango left. Not even for Mango! "

Mango - are you gay? "Can you take the blue from the sky? Can you put the wind in your pocket? Can you
catch a rainbow? No! Such is Mango!"

Don't you feel stupid dancing around like that?"No Mango for you! Why must I be Mango? Why I ask? Why God, why? Why can't
I be someone normal like John Ritter?"

There will be more from Mango I am sure.......

Jez Fletcher Sidelined Due to Depression

FBSFC standout Jez Fletcher has withdrawn for Sunday's game due to a bout with depression. "I just don't feel like getting out of the bed in the morning...it's all snow boarding or golf trips or new high paying jobs or women....I just feel there must be something more to life".

Warren Named FBSFC Employee Of The Month

Defender Brian Warren has been named FBSFC's Employee Of The Month it was announced yesterday by club Skipper Mark Rattray. "Over the last month Brian has improved in his play tremendously. I never saw him out of position on the field and his quiet, calm  demeanor on the bench has been an inspiration to our team. Although he did not actually score any goals his plus/minus rating stayed at a constant zero - excellent work for a defender. Last season he was making quite a few mistakes on the pitch - but this year he's really been invisible out there".

"I certainly don't remember him making any mistakes - I don't think I've had to yell at him all year" added Jez Fletcher.

Runner up for the prize was midfielder Hal Huff.

Sexton Buys British GQ Magazine

In an uncharacteristic slip of the tongue Stevvie Sexton let it out  that he subscribes to British GQ magazine. Apparently Canadian GQ magazine is not "swanky"enough for our debonair young bachelor - who apparently thinks that buying men's fashion magazines is "cool" and "modern" as opposed to "gay" and "sad".

"I think it's bad enough that he buys GQ at all - but then to pay extra for the "British" version..what is that? Is it the same magazine - except they add umbrellas and bowler hats to all of the gay models?" asks a flabbergasted Chairman..

Finemaster Ian Richardson - a subscriber to "British Male-Maxim", defended Sexton and called it natural for a bachelor of his age to go through a period of "bi-curious investigation and growth, moving closer to reaching his spiritual potential". Richardson also called called British GQ "shaggadelic" and pointing out that the male and female models used are "tasty".

Mr. Sexton defended his subscription calling it "brave" for being true to himself. 

In an unrelated matter Steve Sexton also announced a name change - he has legally changed his name to the "@" symbol and can also be referred to as "The Artist Formerly Known As Steeeeviie".

Euthanasia? - FBSFC Must Make A Decision On Dave Lowe's Future

"Sometimes - you just have to put a thing out of it's misery - and with watching Dave during last Sunday's game I almost took out my pistol" Ian Richardson admitted at a solemn press conference this afternoon. "We've talked about it as a group - and we are leaning towards euthanasia".

"I'm against it. I think Dave may be better off in some sort of bubble. Like the "bubble boy" on Seinfeld....he seemed happy - and in a pure oxygen environment Dave may actually flourish and be able to breathe on his own with some success" the Chairman added.

"Dave Lowe warned us that his lack of fitness may be a problem....but I must say that I expected someone to show up who could actually inhale and exhale with some regularity. This is just ridiculous. The final straw was watching him lying on the ground while the other team got off ten consecutive shots on our goal - he just couldn't move - never mind pick himself up and actually try to tackle a player." Skipper Rattray added.

Team Ombudsman Stevvvie Sexton has offered to bring up the subject with Mr. Lowe and if successful in his negotiations to administer the needle.

Jez Fletcher Enjoys Playing With "His Wankers"

Tier II ace Jez Fletcher once again stated his love for "playing football with a bunch of wankers" after last night's game.

"It really is a breath of fresh air - I'm used to playing football with, you know, real players - but playing with this load of wankers on FBSFC really makes me look good - and as long as they don't give me any lip I'll keep playing."

Jez just happened to fit this game in between a golfing expedition in Cancun, a safari in South Africa and high tea with the Queen - "it's been a slow month so I thought I'd drop by and see how my wankers are doing".

Jez is doubtful for next game as he will be climbing Mount Everest and snorkeling on the Barrier Reef and because "he can only take so much of those wankers".

Skipper Mark Rattray NOT Andy Capp!

FBSFC Skipper Mark Rattray has stated that he is NOT and is not even a relation of, comic strip character Andy Capp.

"I may be Scottish, a drinker and my favorite pastime may be lying on the couch - but I am NOT Andy Capp!!!

We are still waiting on the DNA tests.....

Hal Huff Member of NATURAL PATH-ological Liars Club?

At a hastily arranged press conference FBSFC team member Hal Huff flatly denied that he is a member of the "Natural Path-alogical Liars Club"..

"I am not a member, ya, that's it , not a member". a shifty eyed Huff stated.

"I was not at their convention last weekend and anyone who says differently is lying - ya, lying. I was at a Natural Path "healing" weekend - concentrating our combined empathy to cure the world of it's pain. "

Dr. Huff also denied that he is a Druid and had spent the weekend creating 40 ft tall "wicker men" to house his burning human sacrifices.

Ian Richardson ..Or Was That Keanu Reeves?

FBSFC defender Ian Richardson surprised everyone in attendance at Sunday's FBSFC VS Barbarians clash with one memorable play - ducking from a ball that was going for his head!!

"It really was an incredible show of dexterity and cowardice" stated 'keeper Don Clendenning (who had the best vantage point).

Chairman Sean Rice was seen after the game showing a rulebook to Mr. Richardson to point out the fact that your head IS allowed to come in contact with the ball... "Here we go again - by the end of last year he finally started to understand which net he was supposed to shoot on - now this!"an exasperated Chairman explained.

"I'm still impressed with the speed and agility it required to get out of the way of that ball - he moved like Keanu Reeves in "The Matrix"" Mark Rattray pointed out "The last time I saw him move like that was when I tossed him a burger off the barbie last summer - forgetting he's a vegetarian..."

Richardson tried to cover the situation saying that he slipped on his PALM Pilot which somehow came out of his sock.

Huff Uses Healing Powers for "Evil" -Asks for Transfer to DIABLOS

FBSFC midfielder and Natural Path Healer, Hal Huff has announced his intention to use his considerable power to support "The Prince of Darkness"  in his ongoing battle with "The Forces of Light".

"The first step in my journey is to ask for a transfer to Soccer City Tier 7 rivals "Diablos" - a team that personifies my new found beliefs and I have been assured by the Diablos management that I have free reign to practice my evil arts at any time I choose. That guarantee along with the chance to openly attack my former teammates was an offer I could not refuse.

In the past I had to sneak around and use my powers very sparingly within FBSFC - a giveaway here, a knee ligament there - just wasn't cutting it anymore. The team is starting to win despite my subtle attacks - but now I can pummel FBSFC with every bit of evil power I can muster...and there is nothing they can do about it....hahahahahah!"

When notified of Huff's decision Chairman Sean Rice added that "I told you someone clipped me from behind when I broke my leg!!!!"

Nolet Injury Horrorshow!!! - MVP Lost For Season???

FBSFC MVP Ron Nolet may undergo surgery as a result of a knee injury that knocked him out of last season's final. Doctors will give their final decision soon - but it does not look good.

It looks as if Don Clendenning will suit up again for FBSFC - this will be Don's 50th Diamond Jubillee in goal (a new FIFA record). Don's broken finger will not cause him a problem as he doesn't like catching the ball anyway.....

In an even scarier move Don may be with the rest of the "Snow Birds" in Florida for our first game - Chairman Sean Rice may suit up - to keep "goal machine" John DeSantis up front.  The Chairman has not been between the pipes since 1985...

Warren Offers Nolet "Extra" Ligaments

Brian Warren has offered to donate his Anterior Cruciate Ligaments (ACLs) to Ron Nolet - if it will speed up recovery. "Heck, I don't use them anyway.." the lanky defender offered. "I've stopped running entirely now. It's quite easy just to speed walk across the pitch - it only takes me three strides anyway - no bending required."